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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And Boo Boo Stewart will personally let you come over and suck the 'cute' right off of his FACE...and his ABS...and his...UGH!!!! :)*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- Five messages were hurled my way today. All with the force of a brick during a downtown riot.
After Jimmy's breakdown at my house yesterday, I half expected him to totally shut down and simply push me out of his life forever. I didn't think he'd ever want to speak to me again. Which hurt...but I guess I could understand it.
Instead...I seem to be getting the exact opposite reaction. And, if I have to be honest...I think that hurts even worse.
Lee? And Bobby? They hated me when we stopped dating (If I can call it that). At least for a while, they did. Even Brandon turned on me and refused to look back once we broke up. It sucked, but at least it gave me an excuse to run away from the situation. To pretend that none of this was happening and that I could simply go back and fix things once the dust settled. But Jimmy? Jimmy keeps sending me message after message, trying desperately to repair whatever damage it is that he think he's done to cause this problem. It breaks my heart, but I don't know what to do. I don't have a clue.
"Billy? Billy, please...just talk to me. Please?" His message said.
"I love you! I NEED you! Can't you see that? Can you please just call me when you get this???" He said.
"Fine! Fuck you, then! I don't understand what the hell is wrong with you, but you get back to me when you stop being such a fucking COWARD and want to talk things out!" He said.
Followed by, "I'm sorry, Billy. That last email...I just...I just want to know why you don't love me anymore. Just tell me, k? I don't mean to be so nasty to you. I'm just really really hurting right now, and you won't even bother to tell me why you're breaking my heart like this! Can we talk? I just want to talk. Promise."
Then...Jimmy sent me a frowny face icon and asked, "How can you be so cruel to me, Billy? You can't even talk to me now? Is that it? I don't understand. What did I do to deserve to be treated like this? What did I do to make you suddenly think I wasn't worth your time anymore?"
It's not that I wanted to be mean to Jimmy. I simply had no idea what to say to him. Every time I apologized or tried to make him understand that things were over between us, it only seemed to cause him more pain and heartache. It was ripping him to shreds inside. And yet, just by writing back at all or possibly trying to be nice enough to comfort him...? It only gave him false hope in the idea that this nightmare was all just some great big mistake, and he'd be able to convince me to patch things between us again. No matter which one I chose...Jimmy was going to be heartbroken.
I found myself stuck in the middle...either raising Jimmy's spirits into the Stratosphere...or slamming them back down into the mud.
I tried to find a middle ground. Or at least a way where I could look at his messages and answer them to let him know that I wasn't pissed at him and it wasn't his fault. But...I couldn't. Not without ripping his heart out all over again. And that was the last thing that I wanted to do while he was in so much pain.
So...I maintained my silence. Hoping that he would get mad enough to walk away from me, once and for all. Hoping that his utter hatred for what I did to him would just...help him to get over me that much quicker.
Even though...truth be told...I kinda missed Jimmy already.
Is that crazy? I mean, the audacity, right?
Sure, there's a part of me that loved the sex...that really loved the sex, actually...
But Jimmy and I had more than that. It wasn't necessarily 'love' or anything close to it. But, just seeing him smile made me happy. Having him to talk to, and laugh with, and hang out with at the mall...I cherished those moments with all my heart. But...I guess that's gone now. All of it.
I lost more than a boy I just wasn't in love with. I lost a dear friend. My first kiss. My shoulder to lean on. And my conscience during my time of need. I just...I wish I knew what to do. It's not like this situation has an upside to it.
I really didn't want to go in to work today. I just kept feeling worse and worse about yesterday, but that's not exactly a valid reason to take time off. Not only do I have to go to work, but I have to be able to function. And, like...'talk' to people and stuff. I don't think I could handle having everybody ask me what was wrong all day. It's not like I could tell them the truth about it anyway. So that would be more of a bother than a blessing.
A couple of Jimmy's messages came in while I was around Robin...and it just felt awkward. Mostly due to Robin's excitement over it all. He kept asking me, "Omigod, it's him, isn't it? It's Brandon? Let me see what he sent you. No wait! Nevermind. I'm sorry, I'll bet it's private. It's cute though, isn't it? I just imagine you two being soooo sickeningly sweet on each other whenever you're together. Gawd, I need that kind of love in my life..."
If he had actually seen what Jimmy was saying to me, I doubt Robin would have had much to gush over...
Still, my phantom messages from Brandon seemed to really get him charged up. I didn't say anything to 'ruin his moment'.
Taylor came into work today, and he was surprisingly back to 'normal'. Grumpy, sure. But for Taylor, that was normal. After seeing a whole different side of him on stage this past Sunday, I would have expected him to be riding high on a wave of pride and celebrity status for the rest of the week. But...nope. Taylor went right back to being Taylor, and that was that. I guess band members are people too. I just never knew one personally before. It's kinda cool, if you ask me.
However, one person that wasn't so easy to get to know was Garrett, who worked in the aisle behind mine today. I swear...you would think that he was under Witness Protection and afraid for his life the way that he avoids all human contact at work. I can't figure out why. I mean, he's hardly got anything to be frightened of. At least, not from any of the other people working there. They're some of the friendliest, most welcoming, people that I've ever met. I couldn't even begin to imagine what Garrett was so scared of.
I can't really say that it bothered me. Because it didn't. At least, I don't think it did. Not much. But Garrett closed himself off sooooo much from the rest of us that it was hard to not take a bit of offense to it. Well...maybe 'offense' is the wrong word. Maybe I mean...more like...hmmm...
I don't know. It felt like a rejection. And something about him made it feel like it was my fault. Or...all of our faults, really. Is that strange? I think that's strange.
I honestly made a conscious effort to talk to him today. First out of curiosity. Then, from the determination to get an actual response from him that exceeded his usual one or two word answers. Garrett was quiet. I could respect that. Painfully shy. I could understand that too. But I kept trying to engage him in some level of conversation, and he kept running away from me. It was so frustrating sometimes. If I said, hello to him, he'd be like, "Hey..." And that would be it.
If I asked him, "What kinda music do you like in this place?"
He'd say, "You know...stuff."
If I talked about the great time we had on Sunday watching Taylor's band, and say, "It was awesome, dude. You should've been there."
He'd say, "Cool...."
And that was it. Nothing else. I could poke and prod and use every conversational method known to man to try to yank Garrett into talking to me...but nothing worked. I mean nothing. And I liked Garrett a lot. I don't know why, he just seemed like he was much cooler than he was letting on, you know? But he'd never let anybody else know that. I mean, seriously...I've had more in depth conversations with strangers on the city BUS than I've had with Garrett since I've been there. I could see if he was being teased or bullied or harassed in some way. But he wasn't. I was actually making an attempt to make a genuine connection and say hello. I guess...he's not really ready for that yet.
Garrett hasn't been working there for much longer than I have, but the rest of the people I work with...I think they've already given up on trying to force the poor kid to talk to us. Maybe they're waiting for him to warm up to the rest of the environment or something. But at this rate...it could be years before he finds the gusto to hang out with the rest of us.
I don't know. He intrigues me. I don't want to be a pest. And I don't want to make him feel uncomfortable if he's scared of talking to people. So...if he backs away...I'll back away too. I just wish I knew a little more about him. Maybe I'll just have to make up my own story in my head until then. Hehehe, maybe he's gay! Robin would love that! Garrett is cute in that really bashful, boy next door, kind of way. Wouldn't that be awesome? If maybe Robin could find his big sweeping romance in the most horribly 'mute' boy in the store? I'd love to see that.
There was a moment...not long before I left the store for the day...that kinda pissed me off.
Ollie worked the register this morning, and even though Dizzy usually works the floor with me and the others...they put him on register today too. I didn't really think anything of it. He was an employee. He knew how to ring up customers. What's the difference, you know?
But there were two customers that came in today, looked like college kids or something, and they were sort of pointing and whispering to one another about it all. And when I got close enough to hear what they were saying, it was pretty offensive. Actually...STUPID and IGNORANT was what it was! I haven't felt that kind of fire within me since Sam's so-called girlfriend made those remarks about Jimmy being gay at my dad's barbecue....
Oh God, Jimmy. :( Ugh...I suck!
Anyway, I know that I'm at work, you know? I have to be professional and stuff. So I try to just lower my head and ignore it. What was I going to do? Beat them up? I felt bad about it, but one of the guys actually came up to me, like, "Can you answer a question for me?"
Just from the tone of his voice, I knew that it would be insulting. But I asked, "Yeah, what is it?"
He's like, "Is that a guy? Or is that a girl, up there at the register? Because she looks a little bit confused, if you ask me."
Again, I felt the urge to really step in and say something. Dizzy was one of the coolest people ever. And who CARES, anyways? You know? It's not like he had a shot at dating her anyway. Or...um...him. sorry...I slipped there.
This was my very first Summer job...I'm not sure if I'm allowed to kick a customer in the fucking teeth. I'm pretty sure management frowns on that sort of thing.
All I said to him was, "Can't you just shop for music, or something?" I guess that was my hint at being bold enough to stand up for Dizzy's right to just be who he is, who he wants to be, without being judged for it.
But it was Terrell that took over once he heard the conversation and came over to show me what standing up for someone really was.
He actually stood between us, close enough where he was practically in the guy's face. And Terrell was like, "Do you need help finding something in the store? Or would you rather make your purchases elsewhere? Because that's what we do here. We sell tunes, dude. We can do that without having to hear your little backwards comments, right? I mean, am I right?" I sort of peeked over Terrell's shoulder as the other guys took a step back. He was like, "You want to buy something? Then you buy it up at the front. And you buy it from whoever's running the register. If you've got a problem with that, I suggest you go find yourself some place else to share you giggles. You and your little friend over there. You get me?"
I mean...I think I actually got chills, seeing Terrell back that little asshole down the way he did! Hehehe, I wish I was tall enough to do that to people. That'd be awesome.
I don't know what the guy mumbled as him and his friend traded nods and decided to leave the store...but they didn't say it loud enough where Terrell could hear it and find a reason to knock them on their asses! That's for sure! God...I think my little employee crush on him went up a few notches after watching him do that. Because...you know...especially, after this weekend at the café...we really were a family. The rag tag bunch of misfits that we were...this was the one place where everybody was welcome. No matter what. This was a place where we all fit in. Felt comfortable. And in here...it's the supposedly 'normal' people who are the outsiders. Fuck with us if you want to! It won't end well for you.
Terrell couldn't help but to laugh at my infatuated smile once they left. He just rubbed my shoulder and said, "They were over here talking reckless, right? You got it. I knew you'd be cool from day one." Did you hear that? Terrell thinks I'm cool. Hehehe! I could easily giggle over that for the rest of the day!
You know what's even more amazing than that? A little bit later, we were at the front counter, just chit chatting, and Terrell told Dizzy, "Yeah, we had a couple of bitches in here trying to start something, and your boy, Billy, here handled them for you."
I DIDN'T! I didn't do much of anything, really. I almost felt guilty about my lack of a response. But that's what Terrell told him.
Dizzy actually gave me a tight hug. He was like, "Thanks, Billy. I mean that."
I'm only average. I'm not really that big, or that strong. Hell, I think the biggest fight I've ever been in was with Bobby Jinette in the gym locker room! Hehehe! But I think I get it now. And the next time somebody has something stupid to say about Dizzy, or Ollie, or Terrell, or any friend of mine, for that matter....I'm going to confront them the exact same way. Because they don't deserve that. No one does. And if anything would ever motivate me to be even remotely 'tough'...it's hurting the people I truly care about.
I'm ready. SO ready!
Anyway...I've gotta run. It's late. And I have to go back to work again tomorrow. Getting just a few hours of sleep is no big deal when you have absolutely nothing to do the following day. But when work is involved...it's good to have a little biological 'fuel' to burn.
I didn't write much back to Brandon tonight. I opened his message to me. I read it, like, 100 times. I do that sometimes. He's thinking of me. He wants to get together. He wants us to be 'reacquainted' with one another. As guilty as I felt for breaking Jimmy's heart...I couldn't help but to feel totally re-energized by the idea of Brandon and I getting back together. I don't know if I'd be able to handle it...kissing those sweet lips of his again. the thought of it drove me crazy!
I know I messed up the first time. I know that I was impatient and horny and that Bobby was just an excuse to hesitate on Brandon's love for me. And my love for him. But...I've been through soooooo much since then. I've got so much more experience in such a short period of time. And...I know what I want. I think I actually know what's good for me this time around. I can do it right this time. I can give 'being happy' a much more mature shot than I did before.
Brandon? If I EVER....EVER get a second chance to make you mine...I'm never going to let you go again! Not ever! I know better now. :)