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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And that three hour cuddling session with Gavin Cassalegno is all but guaranteed!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I think that I was dreaming about Brandon last night. I can't be sure, because, no matter how hard I try to remember...I just grasp any of the details concerning what I was thinking about before I opened my eyes this morning. That's the sucky part of having to wake up to an alarm clock. I spend more energy and brain power in shutting off that annoying racket than I do focusing on the lingering thoughts on what must have been an amazing unconscious fantasy.
I don't know...he was just the first thing on my mind this morning. Is that weird? Brandon and I haven't really been together for ages now, but something about this...this 'feeling' that I had when I woke up this morning, really made me miss him something awful. Like...more than usual. I found myself staying in bed for an extra five to ten minutes just...hug my pillow tight. Maybe that sounds like a little kid thing to do...but I did it. I hugged my pillow close to me...touching it and rubbing it...even kissed it a few times...picturing myself laying at Brandon's side. Wishing it was him. Aching and sad that it wasn't.
There's something about true love that makes psychos out of all of us, I guess.
I swear...in those few moments, I could almost taste him. I was craving his contact. His smile. His kiss. Nobody else could take the place of my one and only. My angel. My number one boy. And the one thing that made me smile was the possibility that he was out there somewhere...right now...holding his pillow and thinking of me too.
It made me wish that I had talked to him more last night. Maybe tonight. Yeah...I need to hear his voice. I need to hear the way words sound when he smiles. They sound different. Only slightly, but I can always tell when he's happy. Sighhhh...I've got to go see him. Or have him come see me. I'm getting extremely restless not hearing from him. Not knowing what he's doing. Not being able to get a peek at how amazing he is, even when I'm not around. I'm a little old to be making out with my pillow. But when it came to Brandon...I didn't feel silly at all.
Out of all the boys I've fallen for...he was my first love. Just thinking about him makes me remember how long I've been salivating over the very idea of us being together. Hehehe....God, he's always been so CUTE! I can barely stand it! If he were here right now, he'd be saying something cute right now. I just know it. I started giggling this morning just thinking about it. How crazy is that?
I got to work today just in time to clock in. I guess the bus was running a little slow. But as usual, nobody was really concerned about it. As long as I was there and ready to work. We had to do a lot of rearrangements to do in all of our sections, and there was a sale coming up this weekend, so they were re-pricing a lot of merchandise too. It didn't leave me a lot of time to be as social with my friends. I could tell that our manager, Scott, didn't want to be a dick about it...but he did keep a close eye on us all to make sure that we got our work done today. I didn't want to upset him by not doing my share. This is 'work' after all. A different dynamic than what I'm used to at school.
I did notice that Ollie's boyfriend, Greg, came by in the middle of my shift though. Just to bring his sweetheart some lunch. I guess it was a total surprise from the way that Ollie reacted to him being there, and I got a warm feeling in my chest as I saw them share a tender kiss up at the counter. That's something that I really liked about their love. It wasn't 'overdone', you know? No frenzied groping or heavy petting. Their displays of affection were public, but they were really subtle. Calm. Natural. They had nobody to impress. Nothing to brag about. They just had this deep understanding and appreciation for one another. It hardly felt like anybody else was in the room at all. You could just tell that they had been together for a long time. I don't know...I thought it was cute. It kinda reminded me of my parents when...well...before...you know...
As always, little things like that got Robin all gooey in the middle, and he starts grinning to himself whenever he sees it. His longing was so obvious. It was cute. I don't think he knew he was doing it, but it was still super cute. Even when I didn't know anything about him at all, I kinda figured that there was more to Robin than what I was seeing on the surface. But I never thought he was this sappy at heart. It was a glowing part of his charm.
It wasn't until our lunch break that I realized how much that charm was going to waste...
I get a half hour lunch and a fifteen minute break every day that I work. But since a fifteen minute break isn't enough time to do much more than clock out, use the bathroom, get a drink of water from the fountain, and clock back in...I just kinda mash the two breaks together into a 45 minute lunch. A trick that I learned from Terrell last week. Lunch was a much more relaxing experience that way.
Anyway, the store was really slow today, and Scott let Robin go on break at the same time. Robin was like, "You wanna go eat together?" Which was better than eating alone. So I figured, why not? We went to the food court and grabbed something to munch on, taking an empty table over by this big bright window on the edge of the mall. The sun was pouring into the place where we were sitting, and you know...Robin is actually REALLY gorgeous when you get a chance to look at him up close like that. Sunlight in his hair. Hehehe, I think he's a lot more stunning than he gives himself credit for. And he's actually fun to talk to, once you get him going. We shared a few laughs together today, and something about us being able to talk like this endeared him to me on a deeper level than before. I don't know...he Robin's just cool like that, I suppose.
A message came through on my phone.
It said, "I'm missing you, Billy. I can't stop thinking about you. Please talk to me. Please. I won't go all wild on you again. I promise. Just...don't shut me out, ok?"
Reading it, my heart sank, but I just deleted the message and put my phone back in my pocket. I'll give him some time to think. Let some of the heartbreak die down a bit before trying to approach that whole situation again. I'm still picking up stuff in my room from his last tantrum.
Still, only noticing that I got a message and not knowing what it was about, it made Robin smile as he dipped a few French fries in a dollop of ketchup.
There was a quiet pause between us, and then he says, "You know...I was kinda thinking about...you know...giving AJ a call."
I'm like, "Hopefully, just to get his location so you know where to send the tactical death squad you hired to take him out."
But Robin was like, "Hehehe, no, silly. I mean...I wanted to see what he was up to this weekend. I thought, maybe he'd want to hang out."
I gave him a look, wondering if he was joking or not. But I don't think he was. In fact, he blushed and giggled a little bit as he looked back down to his lunch tray. What was that about? I was like, "I thought you were done with AJ?"
He's like, "I never said that. I just...I was thinking that maybe I'd give him a ring. I mean, he's cool, right? He can be really sweet sometimes. I think I miss that."
Feeling all sorts of alarms going off in my head, I was like, "No no no no...dude. Seriously?"
He's all like, "What?"
I said, "AJ? Robin, what are you doing? Don't tell me that you're actually going to go back to getting all tangled up in the chaos again? AJ is no good. And you know that. All he does is use people and toss them aside when he's finished with them. I mean...I can understand being horny and all, but...dude, if you think you're going to suddenly share some sweeping romance with a guy like that, you're wrong. Please trust me on this."
I don't know if Robin was offended or not, but I notice that his posture changed a bit. He avoided my eyes by looking back down at the table. He shrugged his shoulders and said, "You know, I think he's just...he's misunderstood. I know what he does. I do. And I know that he's played me plenty of times. Buttering me up with compliments just so he could come over and get off. I know that. But nobody every really gave AJ a real chance before, you know? Nobody just gave him the benefit of the doubt and tried to show him something more than random sex visits. He's a human being, Billy. He's not a monster."
I stopped him and said, "Yes. Robin...he is. Listen to me...I know that AJ is cute and he's easy to make contact with and he's got a smile that could charm Satan himself...but he is bad news, Robin. He doesn't care about you. He doesn't care about anybody but himself. All he cares about is what he can get from you. He'll hurt you like it was nothing and never think twice about it. Robin, listen to me, I know what I'm talking about."
Robin pouted slightly, saying, "Whatever. It was just a thought."
I'm like, "No. Not whatever. Robin, please. I know we haven't really known each other all that long, but...if it's one thing that I know, it's AJ. Not only is he totally heartless, but he's proud of it. I know what it's like to be where you are. I fell for it too. Just...you can do better, Robin. Don't let him screw you up the way he's done so many other boys before you." And it was at that moment that I got another message on my phone.
Jimmy said, "God, Billy...this hurts sooooo much! I can't breathe! Why are you doing this to me??? :("
Seeing me check the message, Robin finished his soda and started cleaning up his tray. He's like, "I guess it's just so easy for you, isn't it?"
I'm like, "Easy? No...dude, that's not what you think it is. I'm..."
But Robin just stood up from the table and said, "Whatever. It's cool. You're lucky and I'm alone. Way it goes, I suppose. See you back at work." And he left. He just...walked away without saying another word. And didn't say much more to me for the rest of our work day either. Any conversation that we had with one another was merely...'functional'. Nothing more. There were even a few times that I was walking closer to his section, and he'd make a point of walking away from me.
I don't know, I mean...was I being a jerk? Maybe I was a little bit harsh when talking about AJ, but I'm seriously trying to protect him from getting really really hurt. AJ did it to me. He did it Jimmy. He did it to a lot of people. Didn't AJ try to recruit me to come to this very mall and pick up hot boys to screw for the entire SUMMER? What is Robin thinking? A million cute boys would dive headfirst off of a jagged cliff for a chance to love someone like Robin! And he's going to waste all that beauty on an opportunistic narcissist like AJ? That's just blasphemous on so many levels.
I don't know. I mean...Jimmy didn't listen to me either. In fact, much like Robin did today, Jimmy ended up hating me for getting in the way. I should just...I should back out of this before I end up making things worse for everybody involved. I just wish this wasn't something that Robin would have to learn the hard way.
When I came home tonight, my mom was already in bed. It was super early for her to be going to sleep. But she was in her room, door mostly closed, in the dark with the TV on. I didn't bother to ask if she was feeling alright. Maybe she was sick. Or just...tired from yesterday? Who knows? She didn't cook anything for dinner. Instead, she just used a kitty kitchen magnet to attach a 20 dollar bill to the fridge, along with a note that said "Order out."
I have to admit, I was kinda looking forward to eating something as soon as I walked in the door tonight, but...you know, whatever. Besides, I know a place just a few blocks away that makes a mean Philly Cheesesteak sandwich. I could go for some of that. I'm still waiting for it right now. I hope it gets here soon.
I wrote a short note to Brandon tonight...
I missed him. I can't put into words how much I missed him. Hehehe, I've totally fallen off the 'I can easily live without Brandon' wagon. It took one lunch, and now I'm all goofy over him again. I wish I knew how he did that. I really should find a way to strengthen that weakness in me, lest he take advantage of it someday.
I basically just let him know that I was thinking about him. I'm always thinking about him. And it always has the same giddy effect on me. One where I have to fight the urge to smile...just because I knew that what I was feeling was so...so...ugh! It was just 'real', you know? It was this neverending sensation of 'wow' that tickled me from head to toe every moment of the day. One thought of that boy's smile, and I was tripping all over myself to get back to him again. His presence in my life was that addictive.
Brandon sent me a message back almost immediately, and my heart began to pump pure nitro into my bloodstream! I looked at it, and unfortunately, it said, "Hey, Billy! I'm so sorry, but I'm kinda busy at the moment. I'll try to talk to you some other time, k?"
I was a bit disappointed, sure. But I can't fault the guy for being busy. I just wanted to feel 'close' to him again. When we don't talk...it's like he's on another planet.
But THEN...just a few minutes ago...
My phone rings!
And it's BRANDON! My stomach suddenly filled up with jitters and nervous spasms, but I found the courage to pick up and say hello. He was like, "Hey. I got your message."
I'm like, "I'm sorry. I thought you were busy..."
He says, "Yeah. I am. I've got some family over right now. So I can't stay long. I just wanted to sneak away for a few minutes and let you know that....that I...well...you know..."
Did I know? Was I supposed to know? What does that mean?
I told him, "I really didn't want anything special. You can spend time with your family and stuff. I just wanted to...say hi." I wanted to say so much more than that, but I didn't want to make him feel guilty or anything about having to go so soon.
Brandon giggled to himself, and he's like, "Cool...." He kinda sighed when he said it. This really bashful, boyish, sigh, that made me weak in the knees when I heard it. I've known Brandon long enough to know what he's feeling when he does that. Hehehe, and yeah, like....wow...
I said, "I hope you have fun..."
And he was quiet for a moment. Then he's like, "I think this is the most fun I've had all night." He grinned sweetly to himself, and told me, "I can't stay long. But...I had a few split seconds to spare. Just a few. And...I'm kinda glad that I got to spend them with you."
Awwwww....Jesus! Is it possible that he's gotten even MORE amazing since we've been broken up???
With a trembling voice, I said, "Me too...." What? I didn't know what else to say? Brandon has a way of surprising me and totally catching me off guard when he says things like that.
His voice softened considerably, and he got a bit nervous as the time neared for him to say goodbye. It was like we could both feel the tension of having to be apart again once we heard the click of that phone. But we shared that tension. We cherished it. And we knew that it would pull us back together again some time soon.
Brandon said, "I'll see you soon, k? Um...yeah. Hehehe..." And then, almost in a whisper, he said, "....Bye."
GOD...that boy can get me sooooo flustered sometimes! I almost wanted to call him right back, just to see if I could get another few seconds of his time. I know I'm being greedy, but a few seconds was better than nothing. His voice does naughty things to me. I swear it does.
Geez, am I hard right now? I'm totally HARD right now!
Ok, I've got to stop. I'm going to try to take care of this boner before the delivery guy shows up at my front door and I end up accidentally poking him in the eye with this damn thing! More later! :)
(Sighhhhh....Brandon. My Brandon....)