- Well...I saw Sam today at school, when it was just the two of us. I can't believe that it had been over a week since we have really 'connected' one on one. Or even TALKED for that matter. And...you know...that's mostly my fault. I'm sure of that. So, I made a weak attempt to make things seem 'normal' between us again. The truth is...nothing destroys normality more efficiently than 'trying to act normal'. But at least he didn't back away from me or shut me out. In fact, he seemed just as weird about the whole thing, and that was comforting somehow. It didn't make me feel like an idiot for sitting there fidgeting around the concept of us being lesser friends than we were a while ago.
I kinda asked him about the 'friends' he was hanging out with this past weekend, but I was also trying to be a bit 'stealthy' about it, you know? I didn't wanna come off like I was just randomly 'getting all UP in his business' or anything. I just wanted to know. Like I said before, it's not that I was JEALOUS really, I just felt I needed to know what was up with him having other...'friends' besides me. He didn't mention anything special about the whole thing, nor did he go into any kind of detail about it. But I don't think it was because he was hiding some big secret. It just didn't seem to register high on his list of big adventures, I guess. Things got kinda strange after a few attempts at a normal conversation, and I found myself being unable to really have anything interesting to say to him. Sighhh....when exactly did things stop being so easy? I can remember when all we had to do was LOOK at one another, and we'd crack up laughing. Subjects of conversation would seem to rain down on us from out of nowhere, and we could keep each other involved for hours on end without even blinking. I don't know what I want from him...I mean...we're still friends and all, I suppose. But something has changed. And I mean, like....RECENTLY...and it sucks because I can't seem to push it out of the way. I just want things to go back to the way they were before. I miss that.
Speaking of 'weirdness', my dad dropped me off at the hospital to go see Jimmy. But, I swear, it was one of the most awkward drives in father/son history. Honestly...he is definitely getting to be a total 'stranger' to me these days. Can't understand why. He kept trying to talk to me about all of these...'oddball' topics, and bringing up old memories about little league baseball and the time he took us to see the wax museums in Canada Every stoplight, he'd look at me, reach over, and do something weird like...rub my shoulder or something, or smile at me, or just....whatever creepy action he could conjure up out of his wacky mood at the moment. It was just plain uncomfortable, you know? And when he dropped me off, he leaned over to give me a long hug, told me 'he loved me', and reminded me to be safe. Okaaaaay, so Dad has lost a few marbles lately. I certainly hope that he doesn't think that me visiting Jimmy in the hospital has gotten me thinking about trying to commit suicide myself. My parents have been a bit overprotective and overly concerned about me ever since that happened, and I just want them to realize that I'm FINE. I've got a best friend, I get decent grades, kids like me at school, I've got both a steady girlfriend AND a boyfriend....I'm on top of the world right now. I don't think life is all that terrible. I only wish I had a way to show them that without saying, "Dad, stop being a freakin' MARTIAN and just chill out, for God sakes!!!"
Anyway, I got to go straight in and see Jimmy this time around. No hassle at all. I'm guessing Jimmy's mom made it perfectly 'clear' to them that it was ok if I visit anytime I wanted to. 'Mrs. Gorilla Face' didn't seem too happy to see that I had won against her guard dog tyranny...but fuck her. She should've been minding her own business anyway.
Jimmy was really happy to see me today. I almost wasn't prepared for his smile when it blinded me at the door. He said that he thought I'd never come back after I missed Sunday. I knew I should have come by instead of laying back on my mattress in some lovey dovey trance. I should seriously get my priorities straight. (Geez! I sounded a bit like Coach Franklin there! Ugh!) Anyway, they evidently keep an extremely close eye on you here in the...um...'suicide' part of the hospital. If that's what they call it. Probably not. Jimmy said, "They keep me pretty heavily medicated with Lithium. So...I'm pretty mellow most of the time and don't really have anything to keep me busy here." I asked him if he wanted me to bring him some stuff. But evidently they are pretty strict about what he can and can't have too. In fact, he told me he probably wouldn't even be able to keep the cds that I had brought him today. "They took everything out of the room that has a sharp edge." He said, "I'm not supposed to have 'anything' I might actually enjoy. You know...because of my condition It's a total drag." He rolled his eyes a bit, but he smiled. It was kinda cute.
So I said, "But why can't you have any cds?"
And he told me, "Because they think I'll break them. And then I have a sharp edge to hurt myself with....um...again." Which sounded pretty damn ridiculous to me. "Yeah, it seems pretty silly to me too. I can't have any knives, scissors, shoelaces, extension chords, mirrors, pens, pencils, matches, potentially poisonous liquids...I can't even have a pillowcase. What the hell am I supposed to do with a pillowcase? Just how creative do these people think I am?" He was kinda taking his temporary imprisonment well. At least it looked like he was to me. But I, personally, would have been bored out of my fucking MIND! So I told him that I'd be sure to bring comic books or something 'non-lethal' for him to have fun with next time. Something soft. He said he'd like that. I asked him if there was anything else I could bring him to play with and he started giggling. Then he said, "I have an idea of something you could bring me, Billy. Hehehe, but it better not be 'soft' when you give it to me." Hahaha, bastard! I guess I set myself up for that one.
Anyway, all in all, I had a good time, and he seems to be feeling better than he did before. We talked for a while, and I caught him up on some of the stuff that happened while he was away from school. Just sitting on that hospital bed, he seemed so 'average'. Just a normal kid who wanted a friend. A real friend, so he could have someone to talk with and relate to. Deep down...isn't that what we all really want in this world? I'm just glad that I got a chance to be that person for him today. And I'm REALLY glad that he didn't succeed in killing himself. I don't think I could have ever recovered from it if he had. Not ever. I'd miss him something awful...and I never realized it until he allowed me to get to know him better. I hope he gets back on his feet soon. I was really worried about him in here, you know? When he comes back to school, I swear...I SWEAR...on my LIFE...I'm gonna make it my fucking mission to make things better for Jimmy in that place. I'm gonna be a friend and I'm gonna listen to what he has to say, and I'm just...I'm just gonna BE there, you know? He needs that. We ALL need that. And it costs me absolutely nothing to stop being so fucking SELFISH and give someone in need a little bit of attention. So that's my vow. I'm going to prove to him that his life is worth something. I'm gonna make him believe it.
And then I'm gonna see if AJ has a hot gay friend to screw Jimmy's brains out on a daily basis! Hehehe! Hopefully, it'll be the same way that AJ will be doing to ME soon!
Okay, that's enough 'honesty' for one day. I'm going to bed. G'night.
- Only a few days left! I'm SERIOUSLY counting the hours here until I get to spend some more time with AJ! Just two little itty bitty days away! I tried to call him tonight, but his line was busy. Just as well though. I don't want to come off as too much of a dork, or sound too anxious about the whole thing. Besides, if I talk him up tonight, I won't have anything to chat about on Saturday. I was wondering, should I, like...greet him with a kiss or something? Well, I guess I'd have to meet him in private to do that, wouldn't I? But like....what if I met him at his house, and gave him a kiss, and THEN we went out? That would be cool. I should ask if I can just come over to his house and meet him there. Wow..I can't believe I'm even HAVING these thoughts right now! I'm so excited!
Actually, some of this giddy goofiness might have come from the fact that I talked to Brandon on the phone tonight. As soon as I found out that AJ wasn't home, Brandon was the first person that popped into my mind. God, we had fun! Hehehe, I don't know how he manages to be so damn cute over the phone, but he pulls it off every time without even trying. I'll never be able to understand how Brandon can make me so weak inside with the simplest of conversations. Or how he can crack a smile and have it cause me to blush so badly that I have to look away. Whatever kind of lovely sensation that Brandon radiates whenever he's around you, it's awfully 'sneaky' when it wants to be. By the time you notice how utterly wonderful it makes you feel, it's already invaded your very soul and dug its claws in deep. I kinda like that. And I'll be honest...I thought about kissing him tonight. Like...a LOT! I know, I know...I have a boyfriend. But it's JUST a thought! That's all. Still...I wonder if I'd still be able to stand on my feet if it had been Brandon kissing me in that park bathroom. I think I would have died right there with a big smile on my face. Gay or straight, Brandon is still THE 'prettiest' boy in the whole damn school.
Anyway, we talked for about an hour, and at one point we started talking about him getting married. It's a long story, but somehow that's the way our conversation playfully headed. Anyway, I asked him, "You should marry one of our teachers. That way we can BOTH get straight A's, and you can steal the answers to any test they give us." And he giggled...his giggle is SO sexy! It really is!...and told me that all the teachers we had together with either too ugly, too ancient, or an unpleasant combination of both. To which I replied, "This isn't about 'love' here! We're just talking about benefits!"
So he says, "No WAY! I need the full package, so it better be somebody special." And THAT'S when I plain out asked him if he had ever been in love I haven't seen him with any of the girls in our classes, but at age 14 that doesn't really mean a whole lot. I know a lot of shy guys who just haven't figured out how to talk to girls yet. Like Sam, for instance. Sam's my best friend, but he's also a hottie, and I'm sure half the girls in our grade would faint if he asked them out on a date. He just hasn't found anybody yet that he loves so much that it overpowers that paralyzing fear that keeps you quiet around the object of your affections. I always figured that since Brandon was usually so quiet, that he'd fit into that category. I listened to him giggle a bit on the phone and he said...in the fucking CUTEST way..."Um...hehehe....I dunno." Awww, you had to be there to listen to it. I wish I could put sound clips in this book so I could remember how awesomely gorgeous he sounded.
Anyway, I said, "C'mon! Tell me. I know you have." And he kept snickering I bet you he was blushing. It sounded like he was actually blushing. He's so dam adorable.
He got so nervous and giggly that it became even more fun teasing him about it. So, after a few more questions, he says, "I've only got eyes for you, Billy babe." Now THAT would be cool! Hehehe! Anyway, I guess that was his way of avoiding the question. You know, it's weird, but I kinda hope he does find somebody cool to hook up with someday. It's weird to think that way about somebody I'd rather be cuddled up naked with under the covers. But the truth is, in Brandon's case, it would be such an unforgivable waste to have someone that incredibly cute not be with someone special. You know? He's too sweet for that to be his fate.
I never wanna hang up when it comes to talking to Brandon. There always comes a time when you try to find that break in the conversation that lets you just say, "You know what? I've gotta take off." But with Brandon, that break never comes. No matter what he says to me, I'm always completely captivated by it. And every topic is a total refreshment of our entire conversation. And, God forbid....if I hear him laugh, I'm jelly. COMPLETE jelly! I melt just hearing him speak certain words with a smile. It's like they...'sound different' or something. Hard to explain. Anyway, I should have gotten off the phone around 9 o'clock so that I could finish my homework. I ended up talking until almost 11:30! And even THEN, I only hung up because Brandon's mom was already on her third warning, and he got off first. So we ended the conversation. But here's what got to me...right before he leaves, he says, "I really like talking to you, Billy." Remember, the emphasis is on 'REALLY'! And the he says, "Sweet dreams, k?" Did you hear that? 'Sweet dreams'! Straight boys don't say, 'sweet dreams' to another boy. It just doesn't happen. Hehehe! I think I literally slid out of my chair and onto my bedroom floor when those words left his lips. That was almost...romantic! Shit! I got really worked up over that one.
Don't worry though. I'm just keeping this in the back of my mind. I'm not gonna make another mistake like I did with Simon. I'd NEVER wanna lose Brandon. He's like my anchor to sanity in this world. I'd hate to scare him off over a stupid hunch. But he IS high on my list of guys I HAVE to at LEAST suck hungrily on one day!!! Hehehe! JUST once! I don't care if he's asleep, falling down drunk, or tied to the bed against his will...I HAVE to get my lips around that shaft one time before I die! He's soooo delicious!
Anyway, that's it for tonight. I'm gonna use the last fifteen minutes before midnight to scribble through the rest of my homework. It wasn't important anyway. Later!
- I don't have any plans for tonight, which kinda sucks. And I'm SERIOUSLY bored right now. I've been playing video games until I got tired of them, and I searched through all of the DVDs in the living room to see if there was some movie I might wanna see again just for something to do. But none of them really stood out for me, and I wasn't necessarily in the mood for anything in particular. So I'm stuck in this endless 'limbo', you know? Boredom is such a strange emotion. It literally takes over every bit of your interests and passions....and it numbs them all at once. You sit back, thinking of all the things that you would want to do, things that would excite you and make you happy...and then you counter that thought with a reason why you can't do it right at that moment. Why you're too tired, or why you don't want to travel that far, or why you don't wanna deal with the bad weather, or how you don't have enough money. Action, counteraction, action, counteraction...an eternal standstill that, in itself, becomes a mental 'game' for you to play. A game I could probably play all day...if it wasn't so fucking BORING!
For a tiny bit of action earlier tonight, my mom and dad had another one of their little spats as usual. This time it was about the car payment being a month behind. A decent argument, I suppose. As though it took much of anything for them to argue about anymore. But the weird thing is that they couldn't 'keep it in' this time like they usually do. They usually shut down and stop having conflicts for my sake when I'm in the house. But this time was a bit more serious, I guess, and they went in the bedroom. They closed the door and argued it out. No actual shouting really...just some rather heated words and an eventual resolution that came with a silent agreement to stop while they were ahead. Despite their attempts to be quiet about it, I could clearly hear them fighting, and it only made me wish even harder that I had gone out tonight with friends.
My dad went out shortly afterwards. And my mom was in her room on the phone most of the night. So, with my mom chatting it up, I couldn't even reach out and talk to anybody. Ah well...no big loss. One thing about boredom, when you get trapped in the quagmire, you're more likely to drag somebody else in with you than you are to have them pull you out and rescue you from it. Way it goes, I suppose.
You're probably wondering why I couldn't just have made plans with Joanna tonight. Well, I'll tell you why. Something strange happened today, and while I'm sorta 'over' it now, it really bothered me earlier. You see...I was coming to the lunch table like I always do, and sat down next to Joanna, and Sam was sitting across from us, and everything seemed just as normal as it always is. But at one point, Sam and Joanna were looking at each other and started laughing about something that evidently happened before I got to the table. Just...out of nowhere. And I asked what was going on, but they wouldn't tell me. They were acting like it was some stupid inside joke or something that I wasn't really a part of, and kept telling me not to worry about it. I think the more I asked what was going on, the more important it became for them NOT to tell me. Naturally, I started to wonder if it was about me. I mean...what the hell could be so funny that they couldn't tell me about it? You know? It's just rude. So I'm trying to forget about it, and eat my lunch, but they KEEP snickering like a bunch of fucking hyenas! So I asked again what was so funny! I mean, Sam is my best friend, right? Why wouldn't he tell me? Then Joanna sees that I'm not smiling at all about this, and she holds my hand and kisses me on the cheek, telling me not to sweat over it. She says, "It's just stupid." But she's still on the verge of giggling again. I don't WANT a KISS ON THE CHEEK!!! I want to know what you guys are fucking laughing about!
Well, after a few more minutes of this, I decided that I'd had enough. I don't know what it was, but I got angry. Like really angry. Maybe it was the fact that Sam and I weren't as tightly knit lately, and this was further proof of our separation. Or maybe it was some stupid jealous reaction to someone sharing a joke with my girlfriend and not telling me about it. I'll even go so far as to assume that it was the suspicion that they were laughing at ME that got me so angry. But whatever it was, I was almost ready to storm out of the lunchroom and leave them to their little secret jokes for good. Arrgh! Like I said...I'm kinda 'over' it now, and I guess it was pretty silly of me. But once lunch was over this afternoon, I didn't wanna talk to either one of them. And I didn't feel like making any plans with them at all. Thus...my homebound activities for the evening.
ONE good thing came out of tonight though. I got online, and I found Lee's email on one of those 'friend finder' things. So, I wrote him a silly little email just to say hi. He's such a cutie, after all! I still think about kissing him from time to time. He'd make an awesome boyfriend too, you know that? Anyway, I liked writing to him. It gave me a bit of a thrill, hehehe! I hope he answers back. Since he goes to a private school across town, we don't get to talk all that much, except when we're all in a group at the mall or something. I wonder what it would be like, to have him all to myself. Well...you know what I mean.
I also just 'happened' to run across Bobby Jinette's email on there, and found myself with an evil little urge to write to him too. Hehehe! I know it sounds wacky, but I kinda wondered if it would totally freak him out to get a surprise email from me. I shouldn't do that though. That's like...'flirting' or something. But I bet it would make his night though. I considered going through with it, but then I chickened out. Maybe another time.
So..that's my entry for tonight. I've officially wasted an entire day of my life. I might look back on this day sometime in the future, and regret being so lazy in my youth. Hehehe! But that's ok, I'll get plenty of beauty sleep for AJ tomorrow. Wow...tomorrow. I can't believe I'm ACTUALLY going somewhere to be alone with him for a while. Well....'hopefully' we'll be somewhat alone. Don't know for sure, but I'll keep my fingers crossed. That's going to be amazing.
Gotta run. I've got a whole lot of 'nothing' to do for the rest of the night. Later.
- (With a yawn...) Billy