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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)


- When I met up with Sam this morning, things started off being carefree enough. Certainly nothing out of the ordinary. But somewhere along the line, things began to get weird.

We were hanging out in my room, joking around, and my mom made us a couple of grilled cheese sandwiches for lunch. I don't know how my mom can take bread, butter, and cheese, and turn it into a gourmet dish...but she's a virtual master of the grilled cheese sandwich. I swear. I'd love to see Chef Gordon Ramsey find ONE thing wrong with it. They're crazy good!

So Sam and I were playing a few games and all, and thinking back to yesterday, I sort of figured that this would be a good time to maybe ask how Jimmy was doing. It feels like it's been forever since I've seen him, you know? Which...makes perfect sense, considering what happened the last time he was here. I was like, "So...have you talked to Jimmy lately?"

Sam paused. It was only for a second, but I detected it right away. He's like, "I went over to his house yesterday. Just for a little bit. I'm on top of it. No worries." Then he gets his focus back on the game, as if to tune me out or something.

I say, "Is he ok? I mean...with everything...?"

Sam's like, "Yeah. He's fine." Then he's like, "Do you want to play something else? What else have you got?"

I can always tell when Sam is trying to avoid me. So I'm like, "Did he say anything? Should I talk to him, or...?"

Sam's like, "No! Dude, seriously, I'm taking care of it." Then there was a quiet moment between us, and Sam mumbled, "Jimmy's doing...ok. Alright?"

I almost didn't want to know, but I eventually asked him, "Sam...why are you lying to me?"

I heard a loud sigh escape his lips, and he finally said, "Look, there's really nothing that you can do, alright? Jimmy is...well...he's taking things pretty hard. It's too soon to expect anything less. He was really crazy about you. Like in a big way."

God, I'm such a horrible person. Ugh! I said, "Why didn't you tell me?"

He's like, "Because I know you, Billy. You've got the biggest bleeding heart in the world. And I know that you would be suffer TWICE as much just knowing that Jimmy was suffering too over what happened. And I can't handle you both being that miserable at the same time." I think he could see the pain and worry in my eyes, and Sam put his hand on my knee. He's like, "Jimmy's going through a bad time right now, ok? He's really hurting. It's just gonna take some time."

I'm like, "I really didn't mean to hurt him so bad, Sam..."

And he says, "I know you didn't. But heartbreak doesn't always understand that. I think he just needs some time. That's all." I asked him what they talked about, and Sam said, "I go over...Jimmy cries for a while. Then he gets angry for a while. Then he goes back to crying again. He curls up on the bed and I do what I can to just keep him from feeling so alone. Sometimes I try to talk about normal stuff, so I can keep his mind off of it. And sometimes it's better just to let him vent for a while. Sometimes we illegally download a movie to watch. That way he can cry or pout or whatever he needs to do, and we don't have to say anything at all. I just put an arm over his shoulder and watch it with him. I think he just needs to know that he hasn't been completely abandoned. That he's still worth caring about."

I'm like, "But I DO care about him, Sam. God, I didn't know he thought I was so heartless to not still care about him..."

Sam can hear the tremble in my voice and see my eyes misting up, and he's like, "See? This is why I'd rather you just let me handle this. You can't go throwing yourself under the bus every time you think about this.'ve got more love to share than anyone I've ever known, and I know you want Jimmy to feel better...but this is one of those times that you've just got to let the heartache run its course." Then he's like, "Jimmy wants you two to be together. Like...forever. Unless you're willing to give him that...there's nothing you can say to him that's going to make him feel any better. Just...let his heart rest for a little while. K? Jimmy will be fine. We talked about it, and he's not going to try to hurt himself again. I'm pretty sure that's out of the question, because I make it a point to tell him so. So chill. Alright?" I nodded sadly, but he saw me still worrying myself silly. So he gives me a little shove, and he says, "Come on, you know I'm super charming and utterly adorable. Jimmy's heartache doesn't stand a chance. Hehehe!"

With a slight chuckle, I felt a few tears drip from my eyes, and I wiped them away as quickly as I could. I'm like, "Whatever.."

I thought Sam was going to just go back to his game and not say anything further about it. But after a few minutes, he sorta giggled to himself. And he winks at me. Then he's like, "I will tell you one thing that we talked about. Hehehe..."

I'm like, "What? What, you and Jimmy?"

Sam nodded. And he tells me, "Apparently...he's never ever had better. Um...sexually speaking." Sam snickered to himself as he saw the look on my face change to one of total shock. Sam started to blush and teased me by saying, "I don't know what you did, but you practically screwed that boy into a state of total obsession. It's actually kinda hot the way he talks about you. I have to say that I'm proud of you, Billy boy."

I was like, "Omigod....he told you that???"

He said, "Oh boy, did he. Yes. And a lot more. Hehehe! I don't know if there's an actual 'art' to being gay, but if there is, you have certainly mastered it in a very short amount of time. You rocked his world on more than one occasion playboy. Apparently, I'm missing out on the full 'Billy Experience'..." Sam batted his eyes at me, and puckered his lips.

Grinning to myself, I said, " we can stop talking about this now."

He's like, "Are you an artist Billy? Do you have a little Michaelangelo in you? A nice little Da Vinci brush in your pants?"

I'm like, "OKAY! We can stop talking about this now!"

He said, "I'm just saying...I didn't know that you could bang boy booty with such efficiency..."

I said, "You can stop any time now, Sam! Hehehe..."

He's snickered again, like, "If I knew you could fuck like THAT, I might have kept you all for myself..." Ok, so that comment got him tackled on my bed, with both of us laughing and me covering his mouth with both hands. It actually took us a few minutes of wrestling a few more minutes of laughing before Sam looked up at the smile on my face, and said, "See? I got you to smile again. I told you I was adorable."

I sighed to myself and gave him a friendly kiss on the cheek. "Yes. Yes, you are. Thank you know...making me feel like less of an asshole."

He said, "We're best friends. That's what we do for each other." Then he's like, "Now get off of me before you give me a boner."

I rolled off of him and said, "Ugh! Tease!"

He's like, "Slut!" I gasped and my mouth dropped open. He put up his hands and said, "JUST KIDDING! I'm kidding! Don't, like...hit me or anything! Hehehe!" Then he calmed down a bit and told me, "Listen...Jimmy loves you. Like, really really loves you. And you may be in the number one spot on his shit list right now...and probably for the rest of the Summer at least...but I'm willing to bet that boy would still run out and take a bullet for you, regardless. You're the boy of his dreams. A love like that, returned or not, never goes away." He reassured me, patting me on the shoulder, like, "Jimmy is going to be fine. Ok? Promise."

I said, "I hope so. I really messed things up there. That whole stupid situation never should have happened."

Sam just told me, "Well, shouldn't have. But that's what 'horny' does to people sometimes. Listen, just you concentrate on Brandon for now. You want to talk about major screw ups, never should have thought for one second that you could find better. I don't know Brandon all that well, myself...because that was back when you were keeping everything a secret from the rest of us. But I do know that ANY boy that could make you this crazy, this emotional, this hurt, and this happy...he must be one hell of a guy. So go for it, dude. Brandon's the one who will make you the happiest in the long run." Then...after a slight hesitation...he's like, "Just fuck him REALLY good like you did Jimmy and he'll just melt all over the..." He got another tackle before he was able to finish that sentence. Hehehe, but, whatever. He deserved it.

Sam never has any trouble at all when it comes to making me feel better. If he can work half the magic on Jimmy that he does on me, I'm sure that he can really do a lot of good. There are times when the thought of Jimmy hating me sooooo much for what I did to him makes me sick to my stomach. It aches. My conscience twists and turns and I feel as the whole world is looking at me and shaking its head in disappointment. could I do such a terrible thing? How? I just want Jimmy to reach a point where I can maybe talk to him and just let him know that I'm sorry. And that I wanted to make things right between us again. I don't know, maybe Sam's right. I should give him time. It's only been a couple of weeks, after all.

I did call work for my schedule, and they told me that I was going to be working Tuesday through Friday this week. Which means I have tomorrow off. My first thought was to call Brandon and make plans for tomorrow, but my dad actually asked me to come by and help him pack up some more of his stuff for the big move. I mean, the less I think about him leaving on Saturday, the better. I have to admit that the idea still freaks me out. I mean, it's just a big thing that I don't think my mind has truly processed the idea of him being gone. Not fully. Then again, it took a while to process the idea of my parents splitting up in the first place.

Anyway, I'll be spending my time with him tomorrow. Not to mention that it'll be good to see if Trace is still ok. He's been acing weird lately. Maybe I need to spontaneously take HIM out on a late night field trip some time soon. Hehehe!

When I talked to Brandon tonight, it still felt like we were holding back a little bit. It's like trying to start up a cold engine in the dead of Winter. We're trying, but it still feels like we're trapped in a bit of an awkward stage. At least for now. I guess we're both a little scared to just jump back into this without being smart about it. When you feel this way about somebody, it can be really hard to not lose control and just go overboard with everything you say and do. It seemed so much easier the last time. There were no rules set, no boundaries as to how far we could go. It was just me going 'gimmee gimmee gimme' and lucking out BIG time! Hehehe!

But this time? This time we'll be smarter. I really want this to work. And if that means taking a bit more time to get re-introduced to one another, then so be it. I can wait. Brandon's love is worth waiting for.

We made plans to get together after I get out of work on Wednesday. So wish me luck. I think a few more dates like this, and we might just let go and get comfortable again. Then....hehehe we get back to the sexy stuff!

Which, apparently...I'm REALLY good at! Hehehe, I didn't know. Honestly. Well, that's Brandon's blessing now!

Alright, I'm gonna go. Stuff to do. I'll write more soon.


- Billy

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