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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And YOU get to be next to play a flaming guitar on FURY ROAD!!! What a day!!! What a LOVELY day!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- Hehehe, you know...I think I may have made some major points with Brandon last night! Seriously, it's like...we connected again. We got back a piece of what we lost when we broke up oh so long ago. Just being able to talk to him...spend time with him...seeing him smile...hearing his voice on the phone...it's like all the 'magic' has come back to my life. I feel reborn. And the best part is...I'm wise enough to actually appreciate it this time around.
I'm never taking my baby for granted ever again.
He called me twice tonight! Hehehe...yeah. Well, the first time, I wasn't at home. But he called again later so we could talk for a while. It was just really cool to have him, I don't know...'need' me like that. I know that sounds really narcissistic and all, but it's the best feeling in the world. Because he means everything to me...and when you love someone with your whole heart like that...so completely, so unconditionally...it's a HUGE relief to know that the feeling is somewhat mutual. I don't know, it's just safer that way.
I'd hate to think I was alone.
Did I mention that he went out of his way to call me tonight? Hehehe! TWICE!
We were talking about getting together tomorrow and making plans and stuff, and the whole time I had this violent spasm in the pit of my stomach. Because I knew he was coming over. And I knew my mom wouldn't be here. And I...ummm...I knew what we were both thinking. So...I don't know. Maybe I was nervous. Or perhaps just super anxious. I don't know, but...GAH!!! I cant wait to be with my sweetheart again!!! Hahaha, I really can't!
You wanna know what he told me? He was giggling like crazy at one point, after telling me how awesome last night was, and how he took the signed 'Liquor On Sunday' booklet from his CD and put it in a sealed plastic sleeve elsewhere for safe keeping. He even has stuff by Taylor's band that *I* didn't know about! And when I asked him, "Dude...what's with you tonight?"
Brandon was like, "I'm sorry. I just...I still can't believe you kissed me in front of all those people last night."
I said, "God, I'm sorry. I think I was sort of wrapped up in the moment." Feeling a little awkward about exposing my boyfriend like that without asking, I said, "If you're worried about them telling anybody...they won't. K? Promise. I mean, I know that it was sudden..."
But he's like, "No! No, the kiss was...that part was great. Hehehe, in fact, it was perfect."
I heard him giggle again, and I was like, "Are you sure? I mean..."
Brandon was all like, "I'm SURE! It's just not how I expected to...well...'share the secret', so to speak. I think I liked it. Actually...I take that back, I KNOW I liked it." There was a pause where I heard him sigh over the phone, and he said, "You really love me, don't you? I mean...more than being...'undercover', or whatever?"
With a sigh of my own, I was like, "Yeah. I do."
We shared a moment. A short, but miraculous, moment. And he said, "You know...there are times when I think about you constantly. And it gets me so hot and bothered that I find it hard to function. Hehehe! But...there's one thing that...like...it just gives me this really warm and fuzzy feeling all over. It makes it hard for me to concentrate on much of anything at all."
I'm like, "Ooooh...sounds kinky! Spill the beans!"
Brandon giggled bashfully again, and he says, "Billy...hehehe, it's...it's silly."
I'm like, "No, it's not! I don't even know what it IS, and I know it's not silly! So tell me. C'mon!"
It took a little coaxing and prodding, but finally, Brandon sighed out loud, and he said, "...Grocery shopping."
I didn't know if he was joking or what. So, at first, I held back a few snickers. Then...when I heard a shy silence from his end of the line, I was like, "Wait...are you serious? Grocery shopping? Hehehe, what does that even mean?"
He's like, "I TOLD you it was silly."
I said, "It's not silly, I just...I'm a little confused. Why? You think about me grocery shopping? I don't even know if that qualifies as a legitimate fetish, to be honest."
Brandon laughed out loud, and he says, "Not just YOU! I think about US shopping! Like together!" Then he adds, "I don't know! There's just...there's something 'intimate' about the whole thing. I think about you and me sometimes...and we're in a grocery store together. We're both pushing the same cart, and we're picking up stuff that we both like. We put it in the cart, and it's almost like...like we live together. You know? As a couple. Like...'don't forget to get some milk, honey!' Hehehe! Something about that just always made me feel really close to you."
With a smirk, I say, "Do we pick up an economy box of condoms while we're there..."
But he cackles and says, "Don't make FUN of me! See? Why do I tell you these things?"
And, out of nowhere, I say, "Because you're the cutest boy EVER, and you know I love to hear it. That's why?" Which is something that he agrees to. And we spend the rest of our conversation talking about how much fun we'll have together once tomorrow rolls around. Nothing sexual is mentioned, but I think we both knew that it was heavily implied, if only through the tone of our voices.
It's been soooo long. I mean, it's been a while since had sex in general...but with Brandon? MY Brandon??? It wouldn't be anything short of a religious experience once we get together again. Twenty Four hours from now...I'm going to be so relaxed that I might just be too loose and relaxed to even add another entry to this book! Hehehe, let's hope that doesn't happen! Because I wanna remember everything!
So I went to work today, and the most awesome thing EVER happened at lunch!!!
Omigod! Let me just skip over everything else! I mean...work was work! Everybody was joking around and having a good time and blah blah blah! Even Garrett came to work with a bit more confidence than usual. and instead of punching in on the time clock and just saying hello to me...he said hello to everybody. like...one at a time! Hehehe! I just thought that was really cute for some reason. His voice was still a little weak and 'trembly'...but he actually felt comfortable enough to say hi to everybody and be a participating member of our little family there.
Naturally, Terrell and Ollie gave me a little teasing about being gay, and even our manager Scott gave me a knowing smirk. So I guess he heard about the big smooch last night as well. But nobody really made any judgements about it. In fact, it came off as being no big deal at all. The whole crew took my massive revelation with a grain of salt, and that was it. Not a single person treated me ANY differently than they had the night before! And while, deep down, I didn't really expect them to...it was a soothing experience to know that I was still 'ok' in their eyes. That I was still 'Billy Chase'...and that the big 'G' label hadn't ruined everything and overshadowed my personality with a bunch of stereotypes that don't fit me.
I didn't have to change. I wasn't expected to. I was 'Billy'...and I could keep on being 'Billy' without them looking at me weird.
God! How many people am I even out to now? Brandon, Sam, Bobby, Jimmy, Simon...MAYBE Jamie Cross...ahhhh! I can't even COUNT at this point!
Anyway, that's not the BEST part!
So...Robin and I were both sent on break at the same time, because business was slow and we could spare the man-power. I wasn't sure that Robin would want to go to lunch with me, considering his feelings last night at the venue. In fact, I half expected him to be jealous and angry of what Brandon and I had as boyfriends. I don't know if he saw us kissing in public or not, but considering that everyone at work seemed to acknowledge my sexuality with a wink and a smile when I came in today...I'm sure that Robin had heard about the incident in detail.
Still, I guess he just wanted us to eat lunch together. No problems there.
However, we had just gotten our mall boy vittles and were heading over to one of the food court tables to sit down and eat...when...
AJ actually comes walking through the food court! And you wanna know what else? Rodney was with him! Again!
I'll be honest, I almost wanted to just take Robin and run in the other direction to avoid another confrontation. But he didn't run. And he didn't hide. He sat down at the table with me, and he was dead silent for a good two or three minutes. I wasn't sure what to say to him. I noticed that he kept looking over my shoulder though. Spying on AJ and his...'friend', as they giggled and spent time together. So involved with one another that they didn't even notice Robin and I sitting there.
The food court in the mall is a big place...but it's not THAT big.
I pretended to eat my burger and I kept my head down. Not saying a word. Even as I could see the tears welling up in Robin's eyes.
Then...he tightened his lips, and he wiped his hands off on his napkin...and I watched as he got up from his seat, pushing his chair back from the table with his legs.
Was this it? Was this the moment?
I saw him angrily walking towards AJ's table, and I instinctively got up with him. We co-workers stand up for one another, after all.
Before I could even really catch up to him, Robin stood right at the front of AJ's table and asked, "What the fuck is this???" Ohhhh shit...I wasn't really expecting that, but...ok!
AJ smiled as he wrinkled his brow. "What the fuck is what? And what are you even doing here? I thought you said you had the day off today..."
Robin's like, "You thought I had the day off, so you chose to come to the mall with somebody ELSE??? Is that it?" I felt awkward standing there, but I kept my mouth shut and let him handle the whole thing. He looked over at Rodney and asked, "Did he even bother to TELL you that he had a boyfriend? Or that he was at least fucking somebody else?" WHOAH! Ok...that was loud!
So AJ is like, "Robin...geez, dude. Calm down."
I saw Rodney's face change instantly. And he was like, "Wait...you have a...a boyfriend?" You know, there was a time when I thought Rodney was just happy to steal a cutie like AJ away from someone else, and just get all the loving he could from him. But from the look on his face today, I can truly say that I don't think Rodney had a clue. "Alex? What is he talking about?"
I stayed out of the way. COMPLETELY out of the way!
AJ was like, "Heh...it's alright. I think Robin just...made a few hasty assumptions here. That's all." I know it hurt Robin to the core. I could see it on his face. It was the same look that Jimmy LaPlane gave me in my room when I told him we should split up. When AJ said, "Robin? Dude...why don't we just catch up with each other after you get off from work, and we can talk about this later? Ok?"
I lowered my eyes, expecting Robin to take that as an easy way out. To not embarrass himself and keep burrowing into the illusion that anything about that fucked up relationship was still working. I mean, if he wants to toss himself into the masquerade, it's his right to do so. Right?
But, much to my surprise...Robin scoffed at him.
I peeked over a Robin who was giving AJ a look that nearly cut him in half with it's intensity. He said, "How about we NOT talk about this later? In fact, why don't we just stop talking period? Enough is enough. I'm sick of your shit."
I think AJ was just as surprised as I was. He tried to play it off by moving forward and touching Robin on the arm, but he violently pulled away from him. AJ was like, "Hehehe, come on. You're making a big deal out of nothing. It's not like I wasn't gonna call you later on tonight. I just figured you were busy, so I made other plans."
Rodney was now the one giving AJ a dirty look. He's like, "Other plans? Did you just call me your 'other plans'?"
AJ turned back to Rodney to rub his shoulder, but Rodney suddenly began to back away from him too. I stayed quiet, but...holy shit! Was this really happening??? Omigod, it was hard to keep from grinning ear to ear when I saw AJ finally caught up in his own web of bullshit!
AJ said, "You two are taking things WAY out of context! We're just hanging out. That's all it is. Sometimes I hang out with Rodney, sometimes I hang out with Robin. What's the big deal. It's not like we're married or anything." YES! He's totally digging himself in deeper! I actually snickered when he said, "If you two had any brains at all, you'd stop making a scene and figure out a way where maybe all of us could go somewhere and have a little fun. Instead, you guys are whining like a couple of babies. It's stupid." I think AJ could see the same look on Robin's face that I could. A moment of enlightenment. And of total detachment.
Robin slowly shook his head, and he said...very quietly, "You know what? I was good to you." All four of us kinda froze when he said that. I mean, I could really hear the pain in his voice. I could see it in his expression. Feel it radiating in waves off of him as he stood his ground and looked AJ in the eyes. For once, at long last...I think he actually got it. I think he actually wiped away all the glitter and the charm and the hot afternoons full of passionate, but utterly meaningless, sex...and he saw the selfish asshole serpent for what it really was. Robin was like, "I was ready and willing to make a real commitment to you. Despite all of your flaws, and all of your insecurities...all of the times you cheated on me to be with someone who probably cared even less about you than you did about them...I actually thought that I could 'feel' something for you."
AJ reached out again, like, "Robin....dude..."
But Robin stepped back and pulled away from him again. He said, "I was GOOD to you, AJ! I was willing to treat you like pure gold. Worship the ground that you walked on. All you had to do was love me. That's it. And you were too selfish to even do that. Too self centered to care about anything other than getting your rocks off with the closest boy available...whether he loved and cared about you or not. I'm just another 15 minute ragdoll to you. Aren't I?" He asked. For the first time ever, I think I almost saw a hint of remorse in AJ's eyes. But it was too little, too late. And I was GLAD he was hurt! He's gotten away with TOO much to walk out of that food court with another demonic smile on his face! Robin sighed out loud to himself, and he said, "That's it, AJ. Alex. Whatever you want to call yourself today. We're done, you and me. Don't call me. Don't come by. Forget you even knew my name. You're total trash. You USE people and you toss them aside when you're done. You don't care about anybody but yourself. But ONE day? One day...this game of yours is going to stop being so 'cute' to the other boys that you sucker into it. One day, your whole appeal is going to grow old, and tired, and even more LAME, than it is right now! And when that happens...you're going to find yourself all alone. No one to love you. No one to care. No one to fall for your bullshit lines about getting together on the weekends to 'work things out'. No more excuses. No more lies."
AJ said, "Fine. Whatever. You know, you were getting way too clingy anyway. There are plenty of boys out there who would be willing to take your place."
That's when Rodney looked at him and said, "I certainly hope you don't expect me to be one of them." which frustrated AJ even more. Rodney was like, "I didn't know ANY of this was going on, Robin. I swear. I'm not going to lower my standards and be anybody's play thing on the side."
AJ had NOTHING to say! Hahaha! Seriously! He was dumbfounded!
That's when Robin said, "You broke my heart, AJ. You really did. And ne day...when you've run out of ammo for your little bag of tricks for getting boys in the mall to come home with you...I want you to remember this. I want you to remember my voice, and the look in my eyes...and know that you had a chance to be loved. REALLY loved. And you blew it."
Rodney was like, "TWICE!"
Even though I didn't say anything, inside I was screaming my head off! Like "YES! YES! YES! YES! YES!!!!" Hehehe, sorry! Can't help it! That was a long time coming! And the only thing better than walking away with Robin beside me...his head never once turning to look back....was hearing Rodney in the background, telling AJ to stay away from him! Like...for GOOD! That's a total double cock block for the jerk without a heart!
So YES!!! Robin gave AJ the finger, and I have been smiling about it allllll day! I originally thought that Robin would be angry and jealous of me and Brandon being so happy together...but I think last night had the exact opposite effect. I think he finally got a glimpse of what he really wanted out of a relationship with another boy...and he realized that he was never going to get that from AJ. Not ever.
So AJ lost! For the first time since I was duped myself by his pretty face and sexual temptations....AJ was left falling flat on his face! And I've been breathing a sigh of relief ever since.
I hope ALL the boys he took advantage of from the very beginning...got to breathe a sigh of relief as well.
Yeah...I can say that today was a good day! A VERY good day! And tomorrow is gonna be even better!
I can feel it!
Take care, little book of mine! And I'll write more soon!