- I can't stop looking at myself in the mirror to see if I'm any different than I was yesterday. It's like, an addiction to me right now. I don't know....I don't think it really shows on my face that I've had sex, but it kinda feels like people can tell anyway when they look at me. It's so weird.
You know...sometimes, if I think about it hard enough....it's like I can still feel his mouth on me. I can still feel the suction of his super wet lips around my shaft...and I nearly fall over in a fit of wiggles from it. I was blushing all through dinner last night around my parents, and tonight was TWICE as bad! Plus, I keep popping fully hard boners every five minutes just thinking about it. I had to pretty much lock myself in my room to keep my parents from noticing that anything was weird about me. (Not that locking myself in a room all night isn't weird enough as it is) My whole 'body' feels loose, and weightless. Like I just got a full body massage and have been laying out in the summer sun all afternoon. Everything tingled and tickled, and I couldn't even touch my own arm without having it arouse me to the point where I wanted to jack off again. I just...FEEL different, you know? But I HOPE it doesn't show! It probably doesn't. Nah...probably not at all. Shit. That's too bad...because I kinda want it to show. But ONLY to certain people! Not everybody.
well...hmmm...I take that back.
Because I had this really creepy urge to suddenly talk to everybody I know today. Just to let some of this excess joy burn off a little bit before I floated away and couldn't come back down. I called Sam first, and for the first time in forever, we had a comfortable conversation. It was like..we were laughing again. Just hearing him smile over the phone, getting that genuine feeling of friendship sweeping over us like it used to when we were kids, it felt really good inside. I almost wanted to tell him I was sorry. Just...to say that I didn't mean to blame him for what Jimmy tried to do to himself. And....to sorta let him know that I was happy that we were friends again. But...I didn't. Once again, I just didn't wanna jinx this awesome conversation for the sake of bringing up a bad vibe somewhere in the middle of it. So I let it go. And Sam even told me that I sounded super happy, and said he was busy with his mom today but we should go to the Hill again sometime. We hadn't been together at the Hill in over a month. That would be great. I totally missed him.
I tried to call Brandon, but unfortunately his dad told me that he was out doing stuff. So I missed my chance to drool over my sweetie today. But that's ok, it's always much better to drool over him in person anyway.
I called Joanna up on the phone next, and felt that I owed her a nice long conversation. To kinda make up for being a jerk yesterday and not hanging out with everybody. That's the thing with 'activities', you know? Whenever you miss one, there's like this 'hole' left behind, and you're kinda forced to fill it in with even more free time than you had planned to put into it anyway. By not hanging out once, you create this social 'debt' with people, and they always come to collect it when you're really busy or just want to relax. So it's better I get it over with now. Besides, despite it all, Joanna was a really sweet girl, and I really DID enjoy her company. I know it sounds like I'm always complaining, but it's never been an issue of her 'bothering' me or anything. I've just been doing stuff just for me, and that's different than....being there so someone else can benefit from my company. Wait...that doesn't sound right. Actually...it sounds kinda mean for me to say. But I'm gonna leave it here anyway. I'll figure out what I mean later. The point is, we talked.
I also got an email back from Lee today. And you know something? Even his fucking EMAILS are cute! Is that crazy or what? It's hard to explain how an 'email' can be really cute...but that's exactly how I see it. Whenever I read what he says, I can, like, hear his sexy voice and see his gestures and facial expressions in every word. I can feel the tone of his personality so clearly, and it's just adorable! I just wanted to hug and cuddle him beside me so we could read his email together, you know? Weird! I smiled the whole time I was reading it. Nobody can do that for me except for Lee. Nobody. He wants to hang out sometime, just the two of us. And I said "Sure!" Because I'd love to be alone with him for a while, if for no other reason than to watch his sweet lips move when he talks to me, and me alone. Hehehe, he's so damn cute, I can't stand it!
I also made sure to call Jimmy and tell him that I was coming to see him again on Tuesday. After missing last Sunday, I didn't want him thinking that I didn't wanna see him or anything. So we talked briefly, only for like 15 minutes or so this time. He told me that there's a cute doctor there that's totally like...30 years old or something...but Jimmy thinks he's hot. He's married though, so he's straight, but Jimmy likes him anyway. I swear, hearing him talk openly about another guy...it was like the most natural and normal conversation I'd ever had with him. It must be so cool to just say what's on your mind and not worry about slipping up somewhere. Revealing any secrets that you don't want in the open. I hope I get to see what that's like someday.
Anyway, I've gotta cram for my history test tomorrow. I was supposed to be studying all weekend, but fuck that! I had SEX!!!! (Sort of) Hahaha! And I'd GLADLY take an "F" in History....as long as I get an "A" in fellatio! Get it? That's what they call a blowjob! I looked it up online! :)
Gotta go, later!
- Oh my dear God....I DID it!!! I can't believe that I had the guts to actually say the words, but I DID it!!! I wasn't going to call AJ for a couple of days, but I couldn't wait any longer. I was dreaming about him every second of the day, and I just couldn't take any more. So I called him this afternoon before my mom got home, and he picked up the phone! He actually started talking to me by saying, "Hey Tasty Boy!" Oh wow...he thinks I'm TASTY!!! And he would know better than anybody! I was sooooo 'squirmy' after he said that!
We talked for a while. Actually, HE talked about his day at school, and I just kinda nervously giggled and blushed, hoping that he wouldn't think that I was being a total dork on the phone. But the whole time, I was thinking about him sucking me, and me wanting to suck him, and how awesome it was to feel his tongue in my mouth...I was, like, OBSESSED with the idea of it! And I kinda started thinking about how much he meant to me, and how much I wanted to be with him, and how badly I wish we were in each other's arms right then and there....and I couldn't stop fidgeting. So finally he asked me to say something constructive, and I laughed a little bit. Then I told him, "Nah. I'm just thinking...but it's stupid."
And he's all like, "What?"
And I'm all, "Nothing!"
And he goes, "WHAT???" again.
So, I take a deep breath, and I can't believe I'm actually feeling ready to do this. I'm literally shaking from head to toe, and my heart is beating so hard that I can physically see my shirt moving. But I said it! I said his full name first, almost like I was proposing or something, and I paused for a second...and then I said, "I....love you." I was SO scared!!! I was terrified that he'd laugh at me or tell me to get lost once the words left my mouth.
But here's the KILLER!!! He said..."I love you too, Billy." SIGHHHHHHHHHH.......omigod......wow oh wow oh wow oh wow OH WOW!!!! I don't even know what to DO with myself right now!!! He loves me, and I love him, and every time I said it out loud, he'd giggle, and I'd get like this full body orgasm in the middle of my heart! It was amazing! I'm never gonna forget this feeling as long as I live! Not EVER!!!
I can barely remember if anything else even happened today that was of any relevance. Everything seems so trivial in comparison. Even that History test, which I'm sure I did poorly on, but I should have at least slid by with a "D". At least...I HOPE I did. I'll just have to keep my fingers crossed on that one. Oh, and Joanna wasn't nearly as touchy feely today as she usually is. I found it a bit odd. Because I liked having her touch me sometimes, and I liked touching her too. In fact, I was kinda getting used to it. She didn't seem really angry or anything. Just....less interested. I thought that maybe my mistreatment of her over the past two Saturdays wasn't the best move to make. I admit...I felt bad. She didn't deserve that. So I offered to take her to a movie on Friday, hoping that we could be close again. And she said that'd be cool. So we made a date, she picks the movie, and it'll be a good time. And if I can get more kissing out of it, then awesome! Hehehe!
I'm going to write Lee a long email before I go to bed tonight. So I guess I should end this here. You know, the thought occasionally crosses my mind that maybe I can tell Lee about me being gay. It's strange, and I don't know why it seems to just 'pop' into my head out of nowhere at all, but he's such a sweetheart that I'm sure he'd understand. More importantly, I think he'd be able to keep it a secret. I doubt I'm going to put it in the email I'm writing tonight, but I'm kinda wondering if he'll be the first person I 'come out' to. Or...is AJ the first? I think that's different though. Ah, who knows? Either way, chances are I'll chicken out in the end. But the idea is in the back of my mind for further review. That's for sure. So you never know.
Gotta run! Later!
- It doesn't make sense. None of it does. I don't get it. As happy as I have been lately, I feel more scared right now than I ever have before in my LIFE! Scared, and hurt.....and just...ANGRY!
I went to see Jimmy in the hospital today, smiling all the way. I went to just have a good time. I never thought I'd leave with this feeling in the pit of my stomach. If I had known, I wouldn't have gone at all. I'd rather not have known.
Now the question is...what do I do about it? Do you know what Jimmy told me today? I come in to see him, we're sitting on his bed and just talking. He's been getting some reading done, and he's even been doing some creative writing of his own. Hehehe, he had to sneak a nurse's pencil into his room while she wasn't looking. It was kinda funny, because he made it sound like such a clandestine mission. Anyway...we were talking, and giggling, and everything was FINE. He was happy, you know? Happier than I've ever seen him, anyway. I had read up on some stuff about suicide from one of my Health class books, and we kinda went through it. Not to be 'morbid' or anything...just to know the odds. And I told him how only 11 out of 100,000 boys our age try to commit suicide. And how only one is successful out of 300. Which I thought was kinda comforting, because it seems like such a small number, and I didn't want to believe that Jimmy would be that 'one' sad case. It just didn't seem like something real to me, you know? Did you know that abuse during childhood makes you 3 to 4 times more likely to become suicidal as a teen or an adult? Especially if that abuse is sexual? And 30% of all suicides are homosexuals? Yeah...so I kinda told him that too. I had all of these stupid notes and factoids written down in my notebook, and I took them over there to maybe make him feel....I dunno...different, I guess. Not BETTER, so much....just different, about the whole suicide thing. I suppose....that was all just a waste of my time, though, wasn't it?
While we were talking, Jimmy told me that he found out that it costs THOUSANDS of dollars to have a funeral. Which seems kinda silly, considering that you're just putting a box in the ground. That's just plain robbery, if you ask me. So, Jimmy tells me, "I can't believe that shit! You know, if my mom sells everything in my room, she'll barely be able to afford to have me cremated."
And I was like, "You wanna be cremated?"
And HE says, "Not really...but it's cheaper, don't you think? I mean, I just wanna make it easy on her when I'm gone." And the more he talked about it, the less this became a 'hypothetical' situation. He kept saying things like 'WHEN I'm gone', and 'AFTER it's finished', and it got to me, so I asked him why he was talking to me about this stuff...and he just kinda looked at me as though I was supposed to understand. Like I was some blind idiot for not knowing all of this ahead of time. And he tells me, "For when I...'do it'. You know?" But I DIDN'T know, and I didn't understand! What the fuck is THIS?!?!?! Did he NOT learn his fucking LESSON, or do I just have this all backwards? I ask him to make sure I'm not just being paranoid here, but he just says, "Billy...I'm sorry. I thought you knew. I thought you understood."
And I'm like, "Understood WHAT???" And I didn't wanna panic or anything, but I could feel this ice cold chill fill up inside my chest, and I was horrified at what he seemed to be telling me.
"Billy..." He says to me, almost whispering, "...I'm still gonna kill myself. Maybe not in here...but as soon as I get out...I mean..nothing's changed, dude. I thought you knew that."
I'm about to fall out of my fucking chair, and I almost scream at him! "What are you TALKING about?!?!?! WHY???" And he tells me how life still sucks, and he's just waiting to be released from the hospital so he can do it again at home. So I say, "But what's wrong? I thought you were HAPPY! You're smiling and laughing...things are good!"
But Jimmy tells me that things are ALWAYS good when you don't have to get out of bed in the morning. And then he tells me, "Me having some fun in my last days doesn't mean that anything has improved from what it was before. They HATE me, Billy. Everyone hates me. I'm gay, I have NO love in my life whatsoever and probably never will, every friend I've ever had is just waiting to move on to bigger and better things, my mother thinks I'm a total freak now for putting her through this...and to top it all off, the whole school knows I tried to kill myself already. The only thing I have to look forward to is an extremely WORSE version of the cycle of pain that I've been living with for the past year and a half. What's the point?" THEN he has the nerve to tell me, "I wasn't meant to be one of the happy people, Billy. I can't help it. I see everybody else around me being all happy and great, and it never happens to me. Never. And even when I get a glimpse of it, it's only so it can give me a small sense of hope so that it can be snatched away and make it hurt more later."
I wanted to shake him, and hit him, and shout at him until he got a fucking CLUE! But he was taking this so lightly. It was like his mind had been made up a long time ago, and he was giving up his life just as easy as he gave up those cds a few weeks ago. "This doesn't make ANY sense to me at all!" I tell him.
And he says, "I know that you came to see me, Billy...and things were all grins and giggles between us while it lasted...but I never intended to change the plan. Never. I have been working this out in my head for a long time, and I WANT to die, Billy. I'm tired of this shit. I'm soooo tired. And I just can't do it anymore. You have no IDEA how much I've been hurting. How much suffering I've been through in my life I tried, Billy....I really tried my HARDEST, you have to believe me. But....people suck. They hurt you, they spit on you, they abandon you...they're selfish, and lazy, and cruel...they'd stab a knife in your back and twist it without even losing the smile YOU worked so hard to put on their face. Everybody just thinks about themselves and their own happiness and don't care who they hurt in the process. Don't you understand? I'm not like that. I'm not like everybody else...and I don't belong here. My heart gets run over every single day by people who only care about how THEY feel. And I can't be a part of that anymore. So I'm leaving. For good."
I think I must have spent an hour or more trying to talk some sense into him, but he had a fucking stupid answer for everything! If I suggested he move to another school, he told me he'd have the same problems wherever he went. If I told him he'd fall in love, he told me that he'd just get his heart broken in the end. If I told him that things would get better, he said that by the time they did he'd be so dead and destroyed inside he probably wouldn't care. I couldn't believe that I actually had to CONVINCE somebody to care about their own survival. But nothing I said worked. Nothing. In fact, he got annoyed at me even talking about it after a while and wanted me to go because I wouldn't leave it alone. He just...he can't DO this! He says nobody gives a shit, but *I* give a shit! DON'T *I* MATTER??? I tried to tell him that, but of course...he had another answer. He said that I only want him to live because of how his suicide would affect ME. Because I only care about being freaked out about it, and not about his well being at all. Well what the FUCK kinda sense does THAT make?!?!? HUH??? I'm SO lost right now!!!
I had to leave the hospital eventually, but I'm so MAD at Jimmy right now that I don't know what to do! How could he do this? WHY? Why can't he just believe that things will get better? Why does he want to DIE so fucking bad? My life isn't perfect, but I don't wanna DIE! It's not fair! Not to anybody! If anything, HE'S the one that's being fucking selfish! Now that I look at it...things are happening just like they did last time. He's getting all happy and giggly again, his eyes are sparkling like he's got the answers to every question he ever had...and soon...he'll be gone. And I can't do anything to stop it! I have to talk to him some more! I HAVE to!!! I'm gonna go right back up there tomorrow and make it my mission to be there. Whether Jimmy likes it or not! Fuck his precious little 'plan', I'm not going to lose a friend. Not like that.
And if he doesn't listen...then I'm just gonna have to TELL somebody! Maybe even his MOM! He's NOT going to throw his life away over high school popularity BULLSHIT!!! I won't let him!
I'm going to bed. I've already been angry enough to almost put my fist through a goddamn window! And I've already sat in a corner and cried over how helpless this all feels to me. But hopefully, I'll be able to do something. I just...I wanna 'save' him, you know? Jimmy's a good guy, he really is. It's just....hard to defend the world when it's such a shitty place to sensitive people with a soft heart. That's all.
I hope I can sleep tonight. I'm still shaking.