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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...I'm not going to put my penis away until you finish this chapter! Look at it! I said LOOK!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I kept my room locked all night long. Scared that my mom was going to come in and, like...I don't know...spike me through the heart like some kinda super gay vampire or something!
I can hear her moving around the house. Every creak in the floorboards, every closed cupboard door...it gives me a frightening chill. I was SO scared of having to face her again after yesterday! I haven't spoken more than a few words to her since...well...you know.
I didn't think that I could talk to her! Not at all! I couldn't look her in the eye! Why did she have to come home early??? This whole problem wouldn't even exist if she had just stayed at work for a full day!
Then again...I might have been able to avoid it if Brandon and I were in my bedroom instead of rolling around naked like a couple of animals in the living room.
I heard my mom cleaning up. Just...vacuuming and dusting and polishing furniture. She probably thinks I'm so dirty. Dammit...this is SO embarrassing!
I waited in my room past 9 o'clock. Then past 10 o'clock. Then it got to be almost 11, and I knew that I couldn't just keep quiet and fake sleep for much longer. I had to get out of the house. That was the first thing that came to mind. I had to go! I had to run away! And I had to do it fast before she came knocking on that bedroom door. I know that I've got a lock on the door, but she's my mom. It's not like I could keep her out. And it's not all that strong a lock anyway. You could pick it open in three seconds with any household screwdriver. So locking it was merely a symbolic gesture on my part.
Don't think that I didn't consider climbing out of my window...because I did. Unfortunately, I'm not quite 'athletic' enough to get away with something like that. Just my luck, I'd fall and break my leg! Then I'd have to spend the rest of my Summer in a cast. That would SUCK!
The clock was ticking, so I went into one of my dresser drawers to grab the extra travel toothbrush that I usually take with me to Grandma's. Then I grabbed some deodorant and got dressed.
I was going to have to be REALLY quick about this. I should have escaped while she was vacuuming. I wasn't thinking. Too scared. Dammit, why did I have to trade work days with Dizzy? I could have a decent excuse if I ran out of the house and told my mom that I was late for work.
I took a deep breath. Ok...here we go. I was totally ready to sprint through this house and dive through the living room window if I had to.
I started to open my door slowly, but it creaked. Everything in this fucking house CREAKS, you know that??? Hearing that made me just fling it all the way open and hurry towards the front door.
Naturally, I got caught, and my mom was like, "Billy? Billy, come here for a moment please..."
No no no! ALREADY??? She didn't even build up to it! I kept my head down, and kept walking. I'm like, "Uhhh...I can't. Can it wait, Mom? I gotta go out."
She said, "Billy, we need to talk..."
I couldn't stop now. My heart was racing, and I was shaking myself to pieces. The adrenaline alone kept me heading straight for that door. I opened it up and I'm like, "Can't talk now! See ya later!" And then freedom! Glorious freedom!
Well, I made sure to get to the sidewalk and a few houses away before I felt truly safe. I was too scared to look back to she if she was watching me from the window. Or even worse, coming out the front door. I don't know if she was above running outside and tackling me in the street at this point.
All I knew was that I had to stay as far away from her and that particular 'conversation' as humanly possible until I had some time to think. I had to have some sort of a game plan before I even attempted to make contact. And since Brandon's probably even more freaked out about this than I am, and Jimmy wants to drop in a deep hole and die right now...there was only one other person that I could go to.
I went to Sam's house.
I'm so used to him answering the door in nothing but boxer shorts and a glaring white t-shirt, that it didn't even phase me today. He was happy to see me, but when I rushed in with my head down, almost ready to cry, he's like, "Dude, are OK? What's the matter?"
I'm like, "Are we alone?" He assured me that we were, so we went up to his room and I felt the tears beginning to fall as that same adrenaline rush tossed all of my emotions into a blender at once and turned it to sludge. I'm like, "I fucked up, Sam! I seriously fucked up! And everything is out now! Everything."
He sat me down on his bed, like, "Whoah, wait...slow down. What are you talking about? What happened?"
The shame of it all caused me to hesitate, and tears ran out of my eyes in a steady stream of humiliation. Then, I sniffled, "She knows. My mom knows, Sam. She knows everything."
I think he was a bit confused at first. Then it began to sink in, and his eyes got really wide. "DUDE! You told your mom you were GAY??? What are you crying for? That's awesome!"
I wailed, "NO! It's not awesome! Nothing about this is awesome!" Sam didn't understand, so I had to just come out and tell him, "She...she walked in on me and Brandon yesterday. You know....while we were...well, while we were together. Like...'naked' together."
Sam covered his mouth with both hands, and he's like, "Ohhhhh shit! That's not good." Then he asks, "What did she do?"
I'm like, "She didn't do anything! She just sorta stood therein total shock!"
He asked, "Well, what did YOU do???"
I'm like, "I couldn't do anything either! I was trying to cover up, Brandon was completely exposed, so HE ran out of the room and left as soon as he got his clothes back on...oh God, Sam! This is bad! This is really really bad!"
Sam said, "Well, she had to have said something to you...!"
But I told him, "NO! I couldn't talk to her about...THAT! I locked myself in my room and I didn't come out again until this morning! She practically demanded that I come talk to her and I freaked out. I just...I don't know what to do." My sobs got worse and Sam got me a box of tissues. I'm like, "I don't know what I'm gonna do. I have no idea what I'm gonna say. Everything is gonna be different now!"
Sam allowed me to cry for a moment, then he said, "So was the sex hot? Were you pulling a hot move on him when she walked in? Porno style? Hehehe!"
This was one of the few times when Sam couldn't get me to smile. Not even a little bit. I'm like, "C'mon, Sam, this is serious."
With a sigh, he put an arm on my shoulder and pulled me to the side for a hug. He's like, "Listen...I know that had to suck. I know that you never planned to do it this way and you wish you could have had more control over the situation at hand. But...you know, this might turn out to be a good thing, right? I mean, you're mom is one of the sweetest people on the planet. At the most she might scold you for not telling her sooner. I highly doubt that she's going to have much problem with it. You know that, right?"
I blew my nose, and I said, "It doesn't matter, Sam. She's never going to look at me the same way ever again. Ever. And what am I gonna do about Brandon? He's never going to want to come over again, much less do anything more intimate than hold hands. Omigod...and what if she tells my DAD??? I guess I'll never be able to look HIM in the eye ever again either." Another massive wave of sadness swept through me, body and soul, and I fell back on Sam's bed in despair. I'm like, "My life is over. It's really over."
Sam said, "It's NOT over. Please, dude...parents have walked in on their kids having sex before. You're not the first gay teen in history to be caught in the act of deep throating a footlong man sausage. Things will be weird for a while, sure...but you can't just spend the rest of your natural life hiding from your mom. Your best bet is to just go back and get it over with. Do it, quick and painless, while the shock and terror is still fresh. I'm pretty sure your mom's gotta be pretty freaked out herself."
I wanted so badly to believe that it would be better to do just that. You know...get it over with. I asked, "You think so?"
He's like, "Psh! HELL yeah! Are you kidding me?" He laid back on his bed too, so we were shoulder to shoulder. He's like, "Speaking as someone who's gotten away with his fair share of trouble, I can tell you that when you get caught...you're just caught. Take your blows, deal with whatever punishment they gave, and be done with it. You can't stop life, dude. You can't hide under a rock and pretend that life isn't happening. So get rid of the bullshit and get back to moving forward."
I told him, "Somehow I don't think it's going to be quite that simple."
Sam said, "It doesn't have to be simple. It just has to be. That's all there is to it. Once you realize that...you kinda stop running. Know what I mean?"
With a deep sigh, a few more tears rolled from my tired eyes. And I said, "I really love you, Sam. No joke. You're my best friend."
Then he says, "Damn right. It's the only way that I've been able to stand being this close to you right now. All the tears and snot and morning breath...what the hell, man? Hehehe!"
I said, "Hehehe, asshole!"
We laughed about it for a minute or two, then he asked me what my plan was. I said, "Can I just...stay here for a while? Maybe a long while? I get what you're saying and all, it's just...I don't have the balls to go home yet. I know what's waiting for me the second I open that front door...and I don't think I'm quite ready to deal with that yet."
He nodded. He's like, "I get it. Stay as long as you want. Just know that you're cutting into my masturbation time."
He was joking, but I knew he'd do anything for me. I just knew it. I'm like, "Thanks, Sam."
He said, "Whatever. It's nothing. Just mellow out for a while. K?"
I think I stayed there for the next three or four hours, waiting for the inevitable moment when I'd have to get up and go back home. Every time the thought crossed my mind...it was like my legs went numb. This endless flow of liquid panic was coursing through my veins, and my mind couldn't even approach the idea without my eyes watering up again, ready to spill over with emotions that I just wasn't ready to decode yet. What will she think of me? What will she say? What will she do? It's obvious that things can't ever go back to the way they were before. So...what's gonna change? And will it be for the better, or the worse?
Sam never once complained about me hanging around. In fact, I think he enjoyed the company. But the time came when I had to face what was coming to me. Putting it off was only making it worse. Sam even convinced me that it would be better to talk to my mom while she was just as dazed and confused as I was so we could be on a level battleground. It made sense. Or...at least I desperately needed it to make sense to give me the ability to walk again.
He walked me to the door, and our eyes met. He grinned and said, "Come on, dude. You look like you're going to the freakin' gas chamber, right now! Hehehe! It'll be alright. You'll see."
I said, "Yeah. I hope so."
He's like, "A week or two from now, you'll be looking back on this moment and wonder what all the fuss was. What's the worst thing she could say?"
Finally giving him a little smirk, I said, "She could say, 'Ewwwwww! WHY?' Like somebody else I know."
Sam giggled and said, "Why you bringin' up OLD shit? Hehehe!" Then he leaned in, and he gave me the sweetest hug around the neck. He said, "I'd wish you good luck, bro...but I don't think you're going to need it. Man up."
When you find a true friend in this life...a TRUE friend...there's no longer a need to be popular. Who needs all of that high school hoopla? All I need is Sam. Me and Sam...against the world.
So I walked back to my house. The trip never seemed so short. I knew she was there. I knew she'd be waiting. This is gonna be hard. Really hard.
I could feel the burning lump growing in the back of my throat as I approached the door. My vision blurred from the tears rushing to the surface. And then...I walked into the house.
A part of me wanted to run. Run back into my room and lock the door again so I could avoid this for ONE more day. But...as my mom told me...being a good man isn't about solving problems. It's about facing them. And I couldn't put this awkward discussion off forever.
Yeah...I had to do it. My mom was watching TV, and she looked at me as I sheepishly entered the room.
Maybe Sam was right. Maybe she was just as embarrassed and ashamed as I was. I didn't see that as much of an advantage though.
Her forehead wrinkled up, and she looked so sad. So very sad. But she sat up straight and patted the seat next to her. She's like, "Sit down, honey." I still couldn't look her in the eye. The minute details of our living room carpet had never been more fascinating. My mom placed a hand on my leg as my blush turned my face a deep shade of red, and with a sniffle she said, "The first thing that I want you to understand...is that I'm not mad. Ok?" I didn't say anything, but felt even more humiliated by allowing the building tears fall from my eyes. She rubbed my leg and then leaned in to give me a kiss on the forehead. She said, "Aww, baby...don't think that I'm angry with you. I'm not."
I told her, "That wasn't supposed to happen. You weren't supposed to see that."
She said, "I know you're embarrassed, and so am I. But we can get past this. Ok?" Then as she was hugging me close and placing small, motherly, kisses on my forehead she said something that...well...something that I could have let go of, but I didn't. She said, "I understand that you're growing up, Billy. And I know that you're at a...'curious' age now. You're going through changes..."
I raised my head from her shoulder, and looked at her for the first time since yesterday afternoon. She was crying too. I was like, "Going through changes? No, Mom, I was..."
She cut me off, and she said, "You don't have to explain, hon. It's perfectly normal for boys your age to experiment..."
I cut her off this time, like, "Experiment? That wasn't..."
She's like, "...And I know, with your friend Jimmy and all, it's possible that you've gotten a bit...confused. And I'm ok with that. If you would just talk to me about these things..."
I was now leaning away from her embrace completely. Not from insult, I just...sighhhh...I figured that if I was ever going to do this...
I should do it today. I'm never going to get a clearer shot at getting this off of my chest. Going back to the lie isn't an option for me anymore. I've got friends like Sam who love me for everything that I am. I've got a father who cares about me, a cool job where people accept me, and I've got a boyfriend now. A soulmate. This game used to be a necessity, but....no more. I'm done.
I said, "That's not what happened, Mom." I was sobbing, but I forced myself to say the words. I had to. It was the only way to face this, head on. I'm like, "I'm not confused, Mom. I'm..." Say it, Billy. Just say it.
"...I'm gay, Mom. I'm gay..."
A lot of what happened after that is a bit of a blur. There was a lot of crying. Even more hugging. But ultimately, Sam was right. I had nothing to worry about. I still wish I hadn't been caught with my boyfriend's DICK in my mouth in the same room that we set up our Christmas tree every year...but I guess I came out of it ok. We both danced around the 'sex' issue, and I'm super thankful for that. I don't know if it'll come up again, but I hope not. She'll be thinking about it, but I just don't, like, want her to say anything. Mom's and sex don't mix. In ANY capacity!
I'm not on punishment. I don't know why I expected to be, but...whatever. I'm not. I'll count my blessings and keep my mouth shut on that one.
Speaking of blessings...
I sent Brandon a text message to tell him that I was sorry. SO sorry! And I hoped that he'd forgive me one day. I thought it was over. I thought that I had finally put the last nail in the coffin where our relationship was concerned. And that hurt me to my very core.
But he wrote back!!!! Brandon wrote back!
He seemed nervous. Maybe even sad. He said, "Your mother's never going to let me come over to your house ever again...is she?"
I immediately told him, "No! Dude, really...it's ok. At least, I think it is." There was a two minute gap after my last message. So I said, "I told her I was gay. I mean...big shocker after yesterday, but...I think she's cool with it. I think we're gonna be ok."
Brandon replied, "I'm sorry I didn't answer you yesterday. I flipped out. I thought I had ruined everything."
I heard myself gasp at first...then this warm and fuzzy feeling flooded into my heart. I grinned and texted back, "Really? I thought you were MAD at me! I thought I was the one who ruined it all, and that you'd never want to talk to me again?"
I was about worried to hear what he might say about that. But I was relieved when he sent back a smiley face. He says, "We certainly do deserve each other, don't we?" Then he's like, "You know...I'm going to spend the rest of my life loving you, right? Come hell or high water. I don't have the strength to let you go."
With a misty eyed smile, I answered, "I don't have the strength either. But if I was going to be weak...I'd much rather do it in the safety of your arms." Yeah, I sent that. Sounds cool, right? I'm gonna look back on this someday and think, 'Yeah, Billy! You were a total pimp, dude!' Hehehe!
So...there you have it. Me, writing on the very last flimsy page of this book. I should have bought another journal before I reached this point, but the last two days have been a lot more eventful than I anticipated. I guess I'll have to go get another one tomorrow while I'm at work. Don't want to miss a day. I've come too far to start slacking off now!
My mom knows I'm a homosexual! She KNOWS! And she's ok with it. Hehehe, it hasn't really settled in yet, but something about setting down that heavy burden on my shoulder makes me wanna scream. Like, literally SCREAM! AHHHHHHH!!!!
My mom knows I'm gay. My friends know I'm gay. My co-workers, the ragtag misfits that they are, know I'm gay. My best friend in existence knows I'm gay. And now? The icing on the cake? A boyfriend. Someone who's heart beats in time with mine. Someone that I truly adore, inside and out, and who loves me with the same craving that I have for him.
I never thought I'd be here. I never thought I'd reach this level of happiness. But here we are. Hehehe!
I guess my life isn't so 'secret' anymore, is it? I made it. I found what I was looking for. Whatever life has to throw my way from here on...I'll face it head on. I won't be perfect. I never was. But after everything I've been through...I believe I have what it takes to one day be a good man. Flaws and all. All because the people in my life showed me love. Forgiveness. Patience. I'm going to live my life for the people who believed in me. And I'm gonna make them proud. They'll see.
So this is what it's like, huh? To grow up?
I'm always going to appreciate the experience.
Take care, Future Billy! And remember...we may be years apart, but our hearts will always be the same.
Give our future husband, Brandon, a kiss for me, will ya? Hehehe!
- Billy Chase (Here, and still evolving)