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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I'll add your name to the petition to keep Levi Miller from ever being able to wear PANTS again!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- You want to know what's more awkward than awkward? Trying desperately NOT to be awkward! That's what!
That's kinda where my mom and I are right now as far as our 'parent/child' relationship is going. I don't know if I was expecting anything less. I mean, she DID catch me sucking another boy's dick the other day. I would imagine that she'd find something like that hard to brush aside and gloss over whenever she looked at me.
Was it shame that I felt? Is THAT what that sensation was? I don't know. It was scary though. Soooooo scary!
I kept my head down around the house. God...I was SO embarrassed in front of her! What the hell could I say to explain what happened? How am I supposed to shake the feeling that she's picturing me at my most vulnerable moment EVER every time she looks into my eyes? I can't pretend not to see it in her misty eyed gaze. I can't pretend that she's not avoiding the urge to look at me even more than I'm avoiding the urge to look at her. ought we knew about one another seems to be totally fractured right now. I can't help but to worry that things may stay this way for a while. Maybe for a long while. Hell...maybe even forever. I just remember feeling like I might have recklessly obliterated the bond my mom and I shared all these years...replacing the image of a sweet an innocent little boy with some kind of slutty faggot that she can't trust to leave alone for one minute without me giving into some wild temptation and using her house as some sort of a makeshift brothel while she worked hard to put food on the table. It just...it got to me, you know?
She's never going to look at me the same way ever again, is she?
I guess that part of my childhood is over.
Still, despite the discomfort that we shared through our severely limited conversation today, I never once got the feeling that she disapproved of my decision to...well...be openly gay with her from now on. Not like I had much choice anyway, but...she didn't come down on me for it. Didn't try to talk me out of it. Didn't bring up the 'confusion' or 'experiment' aspect of it again either. I guess I can take that to mean that she's totally willing to make an effort to understand, if nothing else. I mean...right? Or am I reading that wrong?
Either way, I hope that my lame attempts to pretend that the past few days never happened are better than hers. Because she's an open book as far as her awkwardness is concerned. We never even had the sex talk...much less the GAY sex talk. Definitely one of those moments that makes me wish I had a time machine.
I went to work today, covering a shift that I traded with Dizzy for the afternoon. I think I was nervous through most of the day because I wanted to tell my mom NOT to mention what happened the other day to my dad! I didn't want him to know. Is that crazy? I don't know...I just...things were just getting to be really special between us again right before he left, and I didn't want to ruin it with...'this'. I don't know what I'm saying right now. I mean, I don't want to call it shame. I like who I am. I love being with Brandon. But, if it came down to having my dad know, and having him NOT know...I'd rather go with the latter. At least for now. I should have mentioned that to her before I left. I just chickened out, because I didn't want to bring it up at all. I hope she doesn't call him before I get home. I can't stop trembling with the thought of my parents having that discussion behind my back.
The mall was full. Pretty normal for a Saturday. Ollie was up behind the counter, boy watching as always. I think he even got Robin in on the action on occasion, seeing as he's starting all over again and all. Which led to a slightly uncomfortable moment today. It's strange, the way that Ollie can sometimes look at my face and just tell that something is bothering me. Only Sam and my own mother can do it better. Turning his perceptive eye on me, he's like, "Somebody's hiding their face from the world today. What's with you?"
I'm like, "It's nothing. Just stuff on my mind, I suppose."
Robin was by the front counter with us, and he said, "Whatever it is, I'm sure it's not all that bad, right?"
Wasn't he the optimist today? I said, "I don't know, dude. Does suddenly being outed to your own mother count as being all that bad?" Even I was surprised that I was so quick to tell them that. I've gotten to be so comfortable around my co-workers that secrets were quickly becoming pretty much a pointless practice in that place.
Both boys stopped for a moment while their eyes widened. Robin was like, "Ouch..."
Ollie said, "You certainly don't play around once you get started. Damn." Then he's like, "How'd you do it? Over dinner? I'm willing to bet that outing yourself at dinner is an official choking hazard among parents of gay teens. Hehehe!"
Blushing, I said, "No. Not quite. In fact, I'm pretty sure the way it happened was the worst possible way to do something like that."
Absentmindedly, Ollie said, "Nah. The worst possible way to be outed to a parent is to get caught having gay sex." I couldn't believe that he actually said that! I was speechless for a second, and my blush got even deeper. Noticing the silence, Ollie's jaw dropped open and Robin gasped, his hand covering his mouth. Ollie was like, "Ooooooh! Billy! Ooh, you NASTY!"
Robin mumbled a soft, "Omigod..."
But I said, "It wasn't supposed to HAPPEN like that! It was Friday. She was supposed to be at work, and Brandon and I had the house all to ourselves...she came home early. It wasn't fair."
Ollie said, "What do you mean 'it wasn't fair'? Hehehe, it's her house. She can come home whenever she feels like it." I didn't want Ollie to make light of the situation. Just talking about it was giving me that shaky feeling in my chest and stomach again. But he's like, "Well, look on the bright side, Billy...you just skipped ahead ten paces and put it all out there on the table. The only thing you've got to do now is massage out the cramps and get back to life as you know it."
I said, "Why does everybody make that sound so simple?"
Ollie said, "It is that simple. You were already gay, you were already in love, you were already sexually active...your mom just didn't know about it. Now she does. Problem solved. It'll be weird for a little while, but she'll get over it." I watched as Ollie rang up a customer or two, keeping our conversation quiet while other people were standing right there next to us. Then he said, "When it came to my parents, I had to come out like three or four times before they got it. I had to come out when I was a little boy and told them 'I think I like boys'. But they wrote that off as me being too young to know what I was talking about. Then I had to come back later, and they gave me the whole 'give it time' and 'I'm confused' routine. Like I could somehow just develop a random interest in coochie one morning before breakfast. Then I had to come right out and insist that they listen to me and I flat out told them that I'm gay! Right there during dinner. Hehehe, made for an awkward evening with the grandparents, believe me. And even though they accepted the fact that I liked guys...I had to basically come out again the first time I brought a boy home with me and introduced him as my boyfriend. That was kind of the final nail in the 'passing phase' coffin." Then he giggled, "YOU, on the other hand, seemed to have jumped straight to the endgame with a choking hazard all your own. Hehehe, so I'm pretty sure she got the hint right away."
I groaned, "Ollie...this is serious..."
He's like, "It's all in your head, Billy. It'll be fine. If parents had their way, NOBODY would have sex until after they were already dead and gone. They forget that most people start the magical sex hunt by the time they're 12. We're not very good at it, mind you...but we're looking."
It was then that I heard Robin say, "Funny that you should mention 'hunting' right now." I didn't know why his facial expression had gone through such a dramatic change, but when we turned to follow his gaze to see AJ walking by the store window...I understood completely.
He stopped briefly at the entrance, looking right back at us, but he didn't dare to step foot inside. The strange thing is, some of that cocky arrogance seemed to have softened itself up as he finally took notice of the growing number of people who despised him, inside and out. He was never really one to give a shit before, but the way he looked today, I think something might have penetrated that thick skull and concrete heart of his. Maybe now he's beginning to see what it's like to have his dreams shattered, his feelings disregarded. Good. I mean that. GOOD!
Turning my back to AJ, I told Robin, "You know what? Don't even give him the satisfaction of being noticed. Fuck that guy."
Robin's like, "Yeah. I know. You're right." He sounded a little damp on the whole situation, but he looked away as well, and a moment later, AJ was gone. Probably left to wander the mall all alone, desperately seeking some cute gay boy who hasn't seen Rodney's shocking exposure of him online. AJ's hot, I can't deny him that. But he's not so hot that other boys will tolerate being hurt, insulted, cheated on, and abandoned at the drop of a hat. Even the few boys who think so little of themselves to just go for a shot at not being alone anymore...they wouldn't dare be seen with him in public. He might as well paint a big red 'A' on his forehead as far as his prospects go in this town from now on.
Anyway, I don't think that my called my dad today while I was away. If she did, she didn't say anything to me about it. We just...went back to not being able to look each other in the eye, clumsily chatting about meaningless garbage. Like the fact that were running low on orange juice in the fridge, and that it's supposed to rain on Tuesday. But...whatever. I'll tell her tomorrow. I'll think of something. I'll tell Dad in my own time. Just...not right now at this moment.
Or this Summer. And not around his birthday. Because that would suck. And Thanksgiving and Christmas is pretty much out of the question. And I wouldn't want to do it around New Year's either. Don't want to start off the year that way. I'll probably want to be worry free during my Spring Break too next year. And then I'll be too busy with finals after that...then Summer again...
I'll figure something out in between there. I'm sure of it.
Either way, this is my brand new journal. I bought it on my lunch break today, and it looks like the first two or three pages have now been spoken for. I guess I've officially Christened this book number nine. Geez, these things pile up fast. I wanna stop here and send Brandon a few messages before turning in for the night.
There used to be a time when I could go to sleep without having to tell Brandon how much I loved him. I'm pretty sure those days are over too. Hehehe, trying to sleep without sharing my heart with my baby is like missing dinner and going to bed hungry. It just feels so GOOD to be able to say it out loud again! I'm going to do right by him from now on. I swear I will.
I saw Jimmy's number on my phone tonight. He didn't leave a message. Didn't send a text or anything. Just called and hung up. I know he's still pissed at me, but...I think Sam was right. Maybe I should just steer clear of Jimmy LaPlane for a while and let things settle before I go back to trying to 'fix' things myself. I'm apparently really bad at that.
Alright, I'll write more later!