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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I'll set you up, lubed and naked, with each member of '5 Seconds Of Summer' for five Summer seconds EACH!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- Well...Sam talked to Jimmy today. I was actually getting both frightened and frustrated by this whole ordeal, and I wanted it to be over and done with. I realize that he's hurting and that it'll take some time for that heartache to mend itself, but the messages and the phone calls have to stop. Enough is enough. I tried to be the peacemaker and find a way to help out, but all he wants to do abuse me and make me feel bad. How long can I let that go on?
How many times can I say I'm sorry, you know?
Anyway, Sam called me back not long ago, after dinner...and he doesn't quite know what to make of this either. He said the he and Jimmy talked on the phone for over an hour, and that he's never really heard him get like this before. Sam's exact words were, "I couldn't really tell if he was depressed or angry or both. Sometimes I couldn't read any emotion from him at all. This is really weird, dude."
I was like, "Well, what did he say?"
But Sam was al like, "It was like he wasn't saying much of anything at all. He kept trying to tell me that he was fine, but I could hear him crying and sniffling over the phone. Jimmy and I had gotten pretty good at not keeping stuff like this a secret, and I half expected him to dump all of his misery out at my feet, get the poison out of his system, and possibly thank me for the shoulder to lean on after it was all over. But he didn't. He swallowed it all down and kept it to himself. I tried to get him to tell me what was going on, and he says, 'Nobody understands. Nobody cares. What I felt for Billy was real. And now it's gone. Just...gone.' I mean, what was I supposed to say, Billy? I think he's seriously lost it this time." Sam then told me, "I know you don't want to hear this dude...but I think what Jimmy felt for you was the real thing. I don't think he's going to be able to handle this on his own."
I'm like, "God, Sam....I just want him to leave me alone! I'm not rubbing his face in it or anything. Can't he just take some time to...I dunno....'grieve' or whatever and move on?"
Sam says, "Like you did over Brandon when all of that weirdness went down?"
He was right about the heartache I felt and the turmoil that I went through, but at least I didn't dedicate a part of my everyday routine towards making his life a living hell. Right? Or...or did I?
I don't know. Look...today was a GOOD day! And I want to talk about that! Even if Jimmy wants me to spend the rest of my days in agonizing PAIN...I wanted to talk about the more positive parts of my day. So any more 'Jimmy talk' will just have to wait until later! Hopefully, he won't harass me before then! Grrrr!
I was able to call Brandon and ask him if he wanted to spend some time together today. I didn't want to be a PEST or anything, but...when you have a boy this close to your heart, a boy that you just can't breathe without him being all cuddled up next to you...what other option did I have? You know? I needed him. Needed him! Sometimes, it feels like I can lick my lips...and I can actually taste the addictive flavor of his kiss. I find myself whimpering audibly at the thought of passionately sucking on those plump and juicy lips of his again.
Brandon giggled at the thought of me being so eager to hang out with him again. It wasn't really meant to be a flirtatious request, but that's how it came off. In his mind anyway. Hehehe, I can live with that.
He's like, "Maybe! If you want to go out somewhere and hang, then fine."
With a grin, I sucked at my teeth. "Hehehe, why? What's that supposed to mean?"
I could practically feel Brandon blushing over the phone. He said, "I don't want you to get any naughty ideas in your head today. We need to show some level of self control."
With a gasp of mock surprise, I told him, "Why whatever to you mean? I'm insulted that you would even suggest that I'd be luring you in for such a thing." Then I followed that by a few giggles that Brandon mimicked on his end.
He said, "DON'T! Hehehe! I don't trust you to behave, Billy!"
But I'm like, "Ok, why don't we meet on the Hill? I'll be good, k? I just wanna see you." I don't know why my heart suddenly began to swell, but I got really emotional as I said, "I really do want to see you, Brandon. It would help to keep me sane, you know? At least for a little bit longer."
With a grin, he replied, "You're not used to hearing the word 'no', are you?"
I'm like, "Nope!"
Then...with only a slight hesitation...something I think he only did for dramatic effect, he's like, "I've gotta hop in the shower first. I'll be there in about...ummm...45 minutes. K?"
I'm like, "Are you coming over???"
And he says, "I'm going to the HILL! Hehehe, not to your house! Doofus!"
With a wicked smirk that I was hoping he couldn't hear over the phone, I said, "Yeah...well we'll see how that turns out." And I made sure to give him a quick 'goodbye' before he got a chance to question that last comment. I'm going to get him back over to this house and naked and in my bed for more hot boy sex if I have to hit him over the head with a giant cartoon hammer and DRAG him here! Trust me!
I made sure to get all squeaky clean myself before heading out to meet him. Every time I walked out of my front door with the intentions of seeing my sweetheart again was like having Christmas morning on the approach. The wait, and the anxiety, and the muffled squeals of joy! It was hard to wait. SO hard...
Did I feel guilty meeting Brandon for a good time, knowing how much Jimmy was seriously hurting over the whole thing? No. Not really. I mean...I thought about it, and it's not like I didn't care about Jimmy's broken heart...I just...I wanted to pursue the love that was washing over me at the moment. I wanted that more. More than guilt and pity. There's no way to write that down and not have it sound awful. But I tried.
God, Jimmy must hate me sooooo much right now!
Ugh! STOP IT, Billy! There's nothing that you can do about that now! You're just...in love with somebody else. That's all there is to it. So...push the burden off of your shoulders and get on with your life already. It'll be ok.
That's what Sam assured me earlier today. Everything is going to be ok. It just takes time. A little bit of time. Or maybe a lot of time. Whatever. I can't be a hero to everybody.
Every now and then...I should get my own turn to be happy.
I was sitting on the Hill overlooking the park, watching some of the tiny neighborhood kids playing on the slide and monkey bars. Hehehe, it's hard to imagine that Sam and I were hat little once. Coming out here with our action figures and toy trucks, our imaginations making this place seem like it was as huge as the planet itself. Strange, it seems so much smaller to me now.
Then, I see Brandon approaching in the distance, that beautiful ass of his hovering a few inches off of his bicycle seat and he looked for me with a smile. I've seen that boy about a billion times, think about him every moment that I'm awake, dream about him every moment that I'm asleep...and I STILL get excited whenever he starts heading in my direction.
I knew that he'd be a little weirded out if I were to greet with him a kiss in the open like this...but the look in my eye alone let him know that I was thinking it. We did share an extended hug though before he sat down under the tree with me. I feel really light headed and shaky when I'm that close to him. Brandon's the biggest celebrity in my personal world...it keeps me nervous.
Conversation comes easy to us. It takes us a few giggles to get started, but the momentum is effortless after that. Time evaporates into thin air, and as gorgeous as that boy is...he still had the time to cultivate a beautiful mind. And a remarkable heart. And the PRETTIEST set of eyes on God's green Earth! Jesus, I wish I could jump his bones right here in the park!
When I reached a point where I just couldn't TAKE it anymore, I slowly reached out to take a hold of his hand.
Brandon smiled, but he didn't pull away. He's like, "What are you up to?"
I grinned, like, "What? Nothing."
He blushed, saying, "Billy, you promised..."
I'm like, "I know, just...ugh! Come on, what are we doing out here? Hehehe, let's go back to your house. It doesn't have to be anything big, I just...I wanna be comfortable with you. Even if it's just a little bit of snuggling or something. A few kisses on the lips." Brandon turned away to hide the biggest smile from me, and I told him, "You have no idea how hard it is not to touch you right now."
He's like, "Yeah. Actually, I think I do." I tried to get him to give in, but he kept telling me, "Honestly, Billy...my dad...I really can't afford to get caught, ok? He's not the type to be supportive when it comes to that sort of thing."
I asked, "How do you know?"
He's like, "Trust me, I know." So I asked him 'how' again, and he sighed to himself for a second. Then Brandon tells me, "Because my Uncle Mike is gay. That's how I know. My dad and his older brother don't really...'get along' all that well. My dad made it pretty clear what the reason was."
Ouch. Ok, so...I didn't really expect that to be the reason that Brandon was so worried about what his father would think. I didn't know what to say, so I was just like, "Awww, dude. That sucks. I'm sorry."
Brandon says, "It's ok. I mean, my Uncle Mike is awesome. He's got a cute boyfriend living with him and everything. My dad just seems to have issues with...you know...that 'lifestyle', I guess."
See? This is one of those moments that I wish we were alone so I could just hug him close and give him a kiss to let him know that I was here for him. I was like, "What are you gonna do?"
He shrugged. It was a little sad. He said, "There was a time when I knew for sure that I was never ever going to tell him about me. Like...NEVER. Then...well, you came along and things got weird for a while."
I said, "Hehehe, I seem to have that effect on people."
He's like, "It freaked me out at first because I didn't know what the hell I was feeling or what to do with it. Then you...well...you said what you said..."
Confused, I was like, "What? What'd I say?"
His blush got sooooo red! Hehehe, awww, it was so CUTE! He's like, "You told me that you liked me. You actually said it. And I think I just panicked. It's like...people playing the lottery, you know? They play to win, they hope they win...but nobody ever really EXPECTS to win! Hehehe, even though it's just what you wanted...the second the numbers line up, you don't know what to do with yourself. It's just...surreal."
I confessed, "I thought you were never gonna speak to me again. I was convinced that I ruined everything."
He said, "So was I, after I ran home like a scared rabbit." Then he's like, "I thought about trying to call or work things out, but my dad was taking me to my cousin's wedding and I didn't have enough time to think, you know? So...I just kinda...left." He gave my hand a little squeeze, and he says, "My dad and I got together with the rest of the family, and I see my dad and Uncle Mike greet each other. If you can call that kind of minimal obligatory affection a greeting. They barely talked to one another the whole time we were there. They shared a fake hug when arrived, and an even faker hug when we left. But...I noticed something while I was there."
I was like, "What?"
And Brandon's like, "My Uncle Mike and his boyfriend were at the wedding, both wearing tuxes that were fresh out of the cleaners...and they were smiling. They got all teary eyed during the wedding vows and held each other's hand for support...kinda like you're holding mine now. Heh..." Now it was my turn to blush and giggle. He says, "He was just so happy to have found love in his life. He met somebody awesome and he didn't let the opportunity just pass him by, you know? So...on the trip back home...all I could think about was you. I figured if my uncle could be happy, even with my dad being a jerk about it...then maybe I could take my shot at it too. So I did. As they say, the rest is history. A long, sordid, soap opera, book of history. Hehehe!"
Our eyes connected, but I didn't lean in for the kiss. Instead, I told him that I understood. And I was like, "I'm glad you took your shot."
We were quiet for a moment. Then he said, "So...what are you doing tomorrow?"
I'm like, "Sorry. I've gotta work."
He grinned, and he's like, "How about...you know...before work? I mean, if you don't mind getting up a little early."
He gave me a wink, and I said, "Dude, to be honest, I think I'm 'up' right now!" It made him laugh, and I asked, "Do you mean it? My mom leaves for work early, and I don't have to go to work until two o'clock. That's plenty of time for us to...bake cookies. Hehehe! Or whatever you had in mind."
He nodded and said, "Yes. Bake cookies. I'd very much like to bake a lot more cookies with you soon. Provided we LOCK the door."
I said, "What happened to you wanting me to behave myself?"
Brandon was like, "That was before I had to sit this close to you again. God, you drive me crazy. The hand holding thing kinda pushes all the right buttons for me."
Looking into his soft and loving eyes, I said, "Duly noted..."
From there, Brandon and I enjoyed the rest of the afternoon together. Nothing kinky like I had hoped, but...I can't say that I left unsatisfied. The simplest of interactions with him always left me floating on cloud 9. Always.
Of course, I jacked off like a man POSSESSED once I got home and a few moments of privacy...but that's not the point! Hehehe!
I came home shortly after dark, but my mom didn't ask where I was. Not that she couldn't guess. At least she spoke to me a bit more tonight. But I noticed that she didn't look me in the eye as much when she did it. I felt a little weird about it, but I can't say that I was upset about it. I hardly think it's a situation like what Brandon might go through if he ever told his dad that he was gay. My mom seemed to be cool with it. She just needed to...'readjust' before we went back to normal.
Then again, this was always normal for me. So, I guess I have to wait for her to catch up. Sorry that I let the record skip on you, Mom.
Alright, I'm going to bed soon, and I have to tell Brandon that I love him first. He probably already said it first, but...you know, if I answer, and then he answers, we might want to talk on the phone for a bit. So...hehehe, you know, I'd rather do that.
I've written enough for today anyway. I need to get my sexy sleep!
I'll write more later!
Madly in love...