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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I'll get Joaquin Ochoa to teach you his foreign tongue (Wink)!!!*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I'm actually surprised that tonight turned out as well as it did. I have to admit that I had my doubts. As much as I wanted to do something special, something magical, tonight...it turns out that 'special' and 'magical' are pretty easy to pull off when the person you're trying to please is madly in love with you.
The concept of me being in love with Brandon is easy, but sometimes...the idea that he would be just as in love with me can be a bit difficult for me to digest. It's almost like my brain doesn't want to believe it. Like...there must be some kind of deceptive 'trick' involved. Misdirection, loaded sleeves, smoke and mirrors, and all that jazz. But nope. He just loves me. For, like...no reason at all. I just feel so WEIRD about it, and I can't understand why.
I feel like I have this great big blessing in my life right now! Like...it's everything I ever could have asked for, and I'd be willing to do anything to keep my sweetheart close to me for the rest of my days. So I wanna...I wanna PRAISE it, you know? I want to make Brandon see that I'm definitely in for the long haul, and that I'm willing to give him 110% of my heart, and my energy, and my effort, and my love...just to make him happy. I'd give him the Oxygen from my lungs if I could. I just...ugh! I need him to know how I feel, and until I actually figure out how I feel, I'm going to have a hard time expressing it in word and deed. It feels like I've gone from having everything to gain to having everything to lose, and it makes it hard to relax because I really don't want to screw this up. Not again
Am I thinking too much? Needlessly worrying about whether or not I'm actually doing enough? When somebody brings you THIS much joy from the time you open your eyes in the morning until you close them again at night...you'd think that returning the favor would be an impossible feat for a 16 year old nobody that's made more horrifying mistakes than he'd ever care to count. But...nope. I look into Brandon's eyes, and he stares back into mine, and we're instantly connected. Totally satisfied. No effort needed. Not a word spoken. Not a touch, or a kiss, or long and lustful lick of his heated shaft, required. Just...a soothing feeling of affection and a couple of awkward and random giggles shared between two people who really 'get' one another. Wow! This is great! Hehehe!
I guess I just don't ever want to fall short. Not after everything Brandon and I had to go through to get to the happy place that we're at now.
Maybe Sam's right. I'm just letting love mess with my head.
Sam came over early today to chit chat for a while. Well, to be honest, his mom didn't make him any breakfast this morning, so he came over to raid my fridge for munchies before I left for work...but, Sam was always welcome to do so. Hehehe! Anyway, I was glad to talk to him a bit more about this whole Brandon date thing for tonight. I thought maybe he'd have some cool ideas about what to do and all. Being straight, he actually gets to date and stuff and not have it look freaky to the rest of the world. I could have used some of his normal boy influence today. It turns out, he just kinda shrugged his shoulders over it all. He's like, "Say, do you mind if I have some of these frozen sausage, egg, and cheese, biscuit thingies?"
I'm like, "Yeah, go for it."
Then he's like, "You mind if I have two then? Hehehe, sorry, dude. I'm, like, starving right now!"
I told him, "Fine. Whatever. Take it. Just...what should I do? Come on, Sam. Help me out here."
He's all like, "Help you out with what? Planning a date for you and your boyfriend?"
I'm like, "YES! Have you even been paying me any attention at all the last few minutes?"
He says, "Yeah. But my brain kinda has a habit of filtering out the whiny parts." He started opening a few packages of breakfast sandwiches to put in the microwave, and starts them off. Then he looks at me, like, "Dude...just go on out to that place that has the kickass milkshakes and stuff. Iced coffee and pastry treats. Make it some place quiet where you two can talk and just chill for a bit. It'll be fine."
I told him, "Dude...ugh! Come on. I can't just take him for milkshakes and pastry stuff. This is important."
He asked me, "What's so important about it?"
I said, "Well...we're back together now. And I have a job. And I've got money and stuff. I want to do something special for him, ok? The whole point of this evening is to impress him tonight."
To which, Sam was like, "No...the whole point of this evening is to spend time with him. And THAT, my friend...will impress him just fine. So take it easy, will ya?"
I gave Sam a pained look, wishing that I could get some better ideas out of him. Any other time he'd be overflowing with devious shit for me and Brandon to get into, but not today. Grrrrr!
I was like, "If it was Michelle, where would you take her?"
He sort of rolled his eyes and said, "Heh...it really wouldn't matter. Michelle's interests are severely limited, unfortunately. I mean, it's not that we can't have fun on occasion, she just...I don't know. She lives every minute of her life as though God, Himself, was perving on her with a special long distance telescope or something. I don't mind her being a little religious, but fuck. You'd think Jesus Christ was stalking her from the bushes outside her bedroom window."
I smirked, like, "I take it that sex is out of the question then, huh?"
He sighed, "Out of the 'question'? It's out of the whole conversation completely. So is a lot of the music I listen to, and the TV shows I watch, and the books that I read...right down to the language I use to fucking express myself."
I giggled, like, "Yeah. Imagine that." Then I added, "Well...you already know how I feel about 'Lady Michelle', sooooo...no comment."
I think I saw Sam blush a little when I brought that up. Did he really think I'd forget what she said at my dad's barbecue? Sam told me, "You know...it's not that she hates gay people. She just...doesn't understand it, I don't think."
I said, "You could correct her every now and then, you know?"
He's like, "Come on, Billy. You know I have your back, no matter what. Right?"
I told him, "Yeah, unless it's a piece of tail and a pair of breasts at fault. Then it's ok." I smiled when I said it, but he knew that I wasn't just teasing with that comment. There was a short silence between us, and it was eventually broken by the sound of my microwave going off. I'm glad it broke the mood, because I really didn't want to get any further into that situation. Sometimes you just have to let it go. I'm still getting used to this being 'out of the closet' thing, even though it's already been a few months since it started, but if my best friend's girl thinks I'm going to keep biting my tongue while she's making her lighthearted little homophobic remarks in my presence....she's got another thing coming. I changed the subject back to my date tonight while Sam tried to keep from burning his fingers on the hot plastic wrappings of his quickie breakfast. I asked him, "You're not just being lazy in the head about the date thing, are you? Do you really think something as simple as a few milkshakes and stuff is going to be enough to let him know that...you know...I like him."
Sam laughed out loud. "Your MOM came home and caught you guys with each other's DICKS in your mouths on the living room floor! Hahaha! If you wanted to let Brandon know that you 'liked' him, I'd find it difficult to think of a better way to give him a clue!!!" I swear, both of my middle fingers went up involuntarily when I heard him say that! Hehehe! Then he's like, "Just hang out and talk. That's all you need to do. The most awesome thing in this world that you can find in a boyfriend is the ability to sit down and actually talk to one another. All of the fancy gestures and the expensive meals and the sexy romps in the bedroom...or in your case...right in front of your mom's weeknight television spot on the couch...it's all great, but it's not what matters. If you really want to melt his heart, just take him some place fun, and let him know that he's the entertainment for the evening. That's all you've gotta do. Let him know that you're thinking about him. Step your romance game up, playboy!" Then, I saw him sort of stare off into space for a moment. He says, "I remember when Joey and I used to have some great conversations. Really involving stuff too, not just bullshit small talk. There were times when we'd stay on the phone for hours on end, and I was just fascinated by every word that came out of her mouth. She was some kinda miracle, dude. If you and Brandon have anything like that going on between you...you could just sit at the bus stop and turn it into the most romantic place on Earth. Those are the ones you need to hold onto. Trust me." Then he tossed the heated wrappers in the trash and grabbed the plate, saying, "And then you come home and totally WRECK that sweet ass of his! I mean WRECK it!!!"
He told me that he had to get going, and I noticed that he was heading towards the back door. I was like, "Wait...where are you going?"
He's like, "I'm going back to my house. I want to get out of these clothes and play video games in my boxers for the rest of the day."
I'm like, "Get out of your clothes? Dude...it's 11 O'clock in the morning!"
He says, "I KNOW, right? I had to get dressed up to come over here, but these unholy fabrics are already starting to bother me! It's Summer, dammit! I'll go back to my clothing rituals when school starts again. See ya! Good luck on your date!"
I called out, "You have my plate..."
But, as the back door was closing, he just said, "Tell your mom I'll bring it back later..."
Ok then. I...uhhh...I guess he'll bring it back later then.
Anyways, I went into work today and got a chance to pick up another fat paycheck to put in the bank! Well, maybe not a 'fat' paycheck...but it was certainly an obese payout for a 16 year old working his first ever Summer job. So I'm definitely happy. I have money! I've never HAD so much money! And money means freedom! I just want to find a way to put it to good use, that's all. I mean, I know that Sam told me not to go overboard with the plans for tonight, but while I was on my lunch break today, I went walking around the mall looking for a little...I dunno...something to get for Brandon. Something extra. You know? It was important to me. What good is having this abundance of love in my heart if I can't share it with somebody? Right?
I sort of found something that I thought he might think was cute, but it still didn't seem like enough to me. I don't know. I was winging it.
Ollie's boyfriend, Greg, came into work today. Ollie is always so hyper when his boyfriend catches him by surprise. Like...his eyes brighten up, and his voice reaches this particular high pitch that seems to be reserved JUST for Greg! Hehehe! They just make this really adorable couple, you know? Like...you see what I mean? That's what I wanna do for Brandon! That's the kind of effect that I want to have on him. Where he just melts and goes all wiggly in the stomach and he's just overpowered by the knowledge that he's got a boyfriend that's worthy of all the unconditional love and sex and friendship and joy that he gives out from the core of his beautiful heart. I want so badly to be that guy for him. I know that I can be a hopeless romantic most of the time...but why shouldn't I be? Isn't that what we're all looking for on some level? Some kind of fairy tale that fits what we need and want out of life?
I don't want to waste any time waiting for someone else to be my knight in shining armor. I think I'D rather be that knight for somebody else...so I can show them all the love my heart has to offer, if only they're willing to open up and accept it. Appreciate it. And cherish me the same way that I cherish them. To me...that's what miracles are made of.
Anyway, it always made the rest of us smile to see Ollie and Greg smooch over the counter. Every now and then, I notice a customer or two giving them a strange look. Almost as if they were shocked that gay people actually existed in real life, and not just on TV. But in that store, among our little misfit family, it was the sweetest, most natural, thing in the world to see two people in love express their feelings openly without fear of insults or persecution. There's just something really beautiful about it.
I wonder...like, if Brandon came into the store one day soon...can I kiss him the same way? Hehehe, I mean, it's not like everybody that I work with doesn't know about my sexual preferences already. So why not? It tickles inside to think that I'd get an opportunity to be so bold. After seeing Ollie get all giddy and dreamy eyed over his boyfriend...I think I kinda wanted to show off my Brandon too. Hehehe, because he's worth showing off. I'm SO proud to be with him. Why not let them know that?
However, at one point, I could tell that the kissy faces and good vibes were sorta getting to Robin today as he tried to turn away from all the love in the air. He seems to still be locked in that weird space where 'AJ Withdrawal' symptoms seem to be taking a real toll on him. I can't say that I don't remember what it was like...having him just dump me out of the blue the way he did. Everything about the way he treated me was so fucking unfair. But, either I'm downplaying my own experience with AJ being my first 'boyfriend', or Robin is going through something a bit more extreme than I did. Because I think he's having a much more difficult time getting over him than I did. Or maybe he's just having trouble being alone. Then again, maybe both issues go hand in hand when it comes to AJ. Seeing Ollie and Greg together kinda makes you long to be close to somebody too.
Geez, saying that...maybe having Brandon come by to show off wouldn't be such a good idea. Not on any day that Robin's working, anyway.
I tried to talk to him a few times this afternoon, but he didn't really seem to be too interested in making conversation. Am I being pushy? There's clearly something wrong here. I don't want to invade his privacy or force myself on him...but what happens if I just sit here and pretend that everything is ok? What happens if he takes me 'giving him space' as 'Billy doesn't care'?
I went through that with Jimmy LaPlane...and I almost lost him forever. It's hard to tell what people's boundaries are when they don't come right out and tell you. And when they do tell you, they're usually screaming hurtful curse words at you because they treat you like you crossed some line that you never knew was there in the first place.
I don't know. I'll just shut up. Robin will be ok. As long as we don't rub his nose in it, he'll have time to heal.
This is what AJ does to people. This is his negative impact. Playing around with people's hearts should be illegal. It's 'rape', to be honest...but on an emotional level. Which, to me, is a lot worse.
Some heartbreaks totally damage you forever. Some betrayals make you give up on love altogether. And what would life be without the hope of finding love in the future?
It sucks, the way someone you trust with something as delicate and as precious as your heart and soul can snatch that hope away from you in an instant.
I made sure to deposit my check into the bank after work. Ollie and Calleigh asked me if I wanted to hang out some time this weekend, but I told them that I wasn't sure what I was going to be up to. Still, it made me feel cool to have them ask me. You know? It's cool having friends who always want me around. Hehehe, but...any chance that I can get to indulge in my Brandon obsession...I'm taking that over all other offers. Hehehe, who wouldn't?
I really did try to come up with some place special to take Brandon tonight. I even asked Ollie, after Greg left, where they usually go when they were out on a date. Ollie gave me the strangest look. He's like, "Billy, hon...we don't really 'date' anymore. I mean, we go places. We have fun together. But most of the time, our idea of a date is being able to stay home together to watch a movie and order a pizza. There really isn't a whole lot more to it than that."
I'm like, "Don't you ever worry that maybe...I dunno...you need to put forth that extra effort? Nothing super big, just something to say...'I love you', or whatever?"
Ollie smiled at me. He's like, "Awww, you're cute." He put his hand on my shoulder and he said, "You're new at this, aren't you?"
I said, "I've been in love with other guys before." Hoping to keep Ollie from patting me on the head like a newborn puppy.
He's like, "Nah. You might have thought you were in love with other guys before...but the real thing is a bit different. Isn't it?" He smiled at me, and then he says, "If you love him...tell him you love him. Tell him every chance that you get. Enjoy each other's company. Have fun, Billy. There's no grand gesture in existence that's going to prove or disprove what you're feeling. Love Brandon, and allow him to love you back. Sounds too simple to be true, but that's just the way it works. Everything else is a bonus."
So...TWO people told me that the best thing to do was 'nothing'. And I didn't feel comfortable doing nothing. I guess I was stuck with that. I took a chance, but I still wish I had done more.
I met up with Brandon and I told him right away that we were just going out for milkshakes and stuff. If I had a better plan, I would have kept it a secret until the very last minute. But I didn't want to build up a surprise that wasn't going to be much of a surprise at all. I also blushed when I saw him looking all neat and pretty, and I wanted to give him the present that I bought for him in the mall. It was a small, powder blue teddy bear with a fuzzy white belly, and a name stitched into it.
I looked away bashfully as I handed it to him out of the bag, I heard him snicker softly under his breath, and my blush got deeper. I'm like, "I KNOW it's goofy, ok? I just...I figured I owed you one. You know?"
He kept giggling, making me feel totally humiliated about it all. But then he reads the teddy bear's belly, like, "'I Love You, Brenda'?"
I snickered a bit myself. I told him, "Sorry. That was all I could find on such short notice. Hehehe!"
I was almost afraid to look back up into those pretty eyes again, for fear that he'd think I was even more ridiculous than my weirdo gift would reveal. But...before I even had a chance to gain the courage to take a peek, I felt the soft touch of Brandon's sweet lips on my cheek, and with a shaky voice, he said, "Thank you, Billy. It's adorable."
Was it? What was adorable about it? Ugh! Who cares?!?! I made my sweetie smile! I'm ALWAYS making my sweetie smile! So...um....yeah. Things were off to a great start.
We went out, we got our tall milkshakes in the fancy, frost covered, glasses...whipped cream and cherries on top. It was the kind of place that really specialized in this sort of thing, so they were really REALLY good milkshakes! Hehehe, I enjoyed them, and so did Brandon. I kept trying to get him to order more stuff so it would run up the tab and I could spend some real money on him tonight...but after a few refusals, I thought back on what Sam and Ollie both told me, and I just tried to relax. Just go with it, you know? Easier said than done, but not impossible.
That's when everything just settled into this really comfortable vibe of...honey coated sweet talk. Hehehe, it's TRUE! Everything that I said made Brandon smile. Everything he said made me blush. And then we'd switch. He became hard to look at. The infatuation in my heart was almost too much to bear. The way his pretty lips would surround that straw. The way his fingertips would turn slightly pink from the holding the cold glass. The way his eyes would blink softly when he was listening to me...those long lashes speaking with a language all their own. I couldn't stop fidgeting in my seat. As if I could find a comfortable spot that would keep me from melting right out of this chair and down to the floor below. I've never been so in love before. Not ever. Is this it? Is this the really really REAL thing? What do I do? What do I *DO*???
Just as we were finishing up, I grinned and told him, "I know tonight was lame. But next time, we'll do something awesome. K?"
Brandon's forehead wrinkled up in the cutest way, and with a smile, he told me, "This was awesome. What are you talking about?"
I said, "You don't have to say that just to make me feel better."
He's like, "What was wrong with it?"
I giggled, like, "Well...it's not very fancy here. It's still pretty early in the night. It's not like I'm old enough to drive and come pick you up or anything." Then I added, "I got you a teddy bear calling you 'Brenda' for Christ sake..."
He gave me a smirk, and he said, "Billy...I didn't need any of that stuff. I mean, don't get me wrong...all of this was GREAT! Everything about tonight was perfect. But, honestly? You had me swooning and tripping all over myself from the second you even suggested we go out on a real date. You could have taken me out to the train tracks to roast hot dogs over a fire with a bunch of murderous hobos, and I would have been just as happy."
With a deeper blush, I said, "Hehehe! Darn. And that was my second choice for tonight's activities too."
Brandon laughed, but quietly leaned forward to whisper, "I am totally...hopelessly...in love with you, Billy Chase. Not because of what you do, but because of who you are. I don't care what we do...as long as we get to do it together. K?"
I sighed, and said, "I love you too. God, I love you so much..." I wish there were more words for me to have at my disposal Love needs at least 500 more synonyms to even scratch the surface of how many ways I wanted to shout it out to the rest of the world.
Brandon's eyes glazed over, and he said, "I SERIOUSY want to make out with you right now! Hehehe! But that might freak everybody out in here, so that might be my clue to stop talking like this."
To which I replied, "Funny. I was just thinking that it might be my clue to pay the check so we could get out of here and maybe find a place where we could make that happen." Hehehe, I mean, was that smooth? I don't know. It sounded kinda smooth when I said it. Doesn't look the same now that I wrote it down. Ugh! I'm corny.
I did pay for everything, and left an impressive tip, but the big moment of the night was the second we stepped outside of the door and I jumped on Brandon and smashed my lips against his as fast and as hard as I could! Hahaha! My whole BODY had been craving that kiss ever since I got up this morning!
Then we had to stop for a second as an elderly couple came walking up to enter the milkshake place. I was startled and quickly detached myself from Brandon, wiping my lips on the back of my hand as I tried to avoid their eyes.
Brandon, though, giggled sheepishly and moved to open the door for them. He mumbled, "Sorry...hehehe..."
And to my surprise, the old lady said, "Don't let us bother you two. Sorry to interrupt."
Did she mean that the way it sounded? Because that would be weird if she did. I'm starting to think that this whole homophobic idea has been blown so far out of proportion that we've been misled into thinking that the rest of the world is against us. It sure doesn't seem that way. Not anymore, anyway.
Brandon and I shared a bunch of extended kisses after the date, but...you know, it had to end at some point. I offered to walk him home, but Brandon just gave me a gentle sigh as he smoothed out the locks of my blond hair. He was like, "I would, but...you know..."
I'm like, "Your dad. Right?"
He said, "Yeah. I'm sorry. I'm going to tell him eventually, just...I don't know if I can just show up to the front door with a new boyfriend when I do it. You know?"
I said, "No. It's totally cool. I get it."
That's when he caressed my cheek, and he said, "I hope you do. Because there's nothing I'm more proud of than having you look at me the way you do. It let's me know that I must be doing something right."
He kissed me again, but pushed me away with a giggle as I began to get more excited about it all than I should have. He made me promise to call him when I got home. A promise that I kept, and I just let him go a few minutes before writing this.
So...whaddya know? I did 'nothing', and still had the best date ever! Just imagine if we had actually done something COOL! Hehehe, I know, I know! I'm shutting up now. onight was great. And I'm going to appreciate it for what it is. Promise.
My mom didn't really ask me where I was tonight. I wish I could have come home and told her how amazing it was, but...I think she's still sort of dealing with my big confession last week. She knows...but we have yet to really 'talk' about it. I don't even know what talking about it is going to entail at this point. But...until we sit down and have an open discussion about it, we're either going to have this major block between us that will always keep us uncomfortable around one another for the rest of our lives...or worse...
...The whole issue will simply 'fade away' as though it never happened. We'll end up pretending that it isn't real, it never was, and that it doesn't need a discussion because it doesn't exist.
I'd rather not have it be that last one. After all this time, dealing with these feelings inside, I want it to matter. I've struggled a lot to be happy with who I am. I want her to love who I am too.
But that's for another time. For now, I'm going to bed. I'm so tired for some reason. It's probably the constant flow of sappy emotion pumping through my veins over the past six hours or so! Hehehe! I'll write more later!