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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
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*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I was getting ready to go to bed tonight, and I picked up this book to put in my daily entry...and something got to me. Something a bit scary. Even though I probably shouldn't even let these weird thoughts run around all crazy inside my head, but...Dammit, Bobby...
Anyway, I pretty much called Ian first thing this morning after breakfast. The message he left me last night seemed a little...cryptic, I guess. I would have been totally lost as to what he was thinking if it wasn't for one little phrase that he added to his text. 'I talked to Bobby...' As far as I can tell, that's the only missing link between him being all excited about his Summer movie and him suddenly apologizing for ever even making me a part of it. Knowing Bobby...I figured that he was going bonkers on me again. I swear, I don't know what's wrong with that boy.
When I asked Ian what was up, he says, "Billy, honestly...it's ok if you want to spend your Summer doing something fun. Instead of just 'performing' for me. I know that you're working and stuff, and you've got friends and family too. It's not like I've got you under contract or anything."
Confused, I asked him, "Where is all of this coming from? Ian, I'd LOVE to be a part of your movie! I read through all of your notes and your changes and I thought it was a really cool idea! What happened?" Ian didn't say anything at first, but I could practically feel him squirming on the other end of the phone. I'm like, "Dude, if you want me to back out, or whatever...I'd be cool with that."
He's like, "No WAY, Billy! You'd be perfect. I just...I didn't want you to feel like I was making you do it. That's the most unfortunate part of making a film...you can't do it by yourself. Heh...can't really expect everybody to jump on board either. Not for free, anyway."
I told him, "I don't know what would make you think I was backing out on you now. I'm still up for it. If you need me, I'll be there."
I think Ian let out a sigh of relief when he heard that. He's all like, "THANK YOU, Billy! Hehehe, honestly...I didn't know how I was ever going to find a way to replace you. Just...dude, can you still come over today? I now it's kinda last minute, now that I basically told you to buzz off in my message last night..."
I'm like, "No worries. I'll be there!"
He says, "I can't thank you enough, dude. Thanks for being a friend, Billy. You don't know how much it means to me to have you support something I love. You know?"
I didn't really get into the 'Bobby' thing, because he seemed so relieved that I was still interested in being a part of his project that I kinda didn't want to ruin the moment. Still...whatever Bobby Jinette is up to...I want him to knock it off. This is just getting ridiculous now.
My mom had a bad case of the grumbles today around lunch. She was coming back from the grocery store and I helped her inside with a few bags. She's like, "I can't believe that stupid car is still having problems. I really don't have the money to take it back to the shop any time soon."
I said, "I thought they fixed it the last time you took it in?"
But she's like, "They fixed something, and they charged the heck out of me for it. But now something else is wrong. I was almost stuck in the store parking lot because the engine wouldn't start." Then, as she's handing me stuff to put away in the pantry, she says, "I'm going to get Mackenzie Franks from work to come take a look at it. He's great with cars. Maybe he can give me a bit of free advice before I get swindled again by the mechanics that worked on it last time."
She asked me what days I'd be working this week so she get a ride to work and I could be here to let Mr. Franks look it over. I had Monday, Thursday, and Sunday off this week. I think I kinda liked working my three or four days all in a row and getting it over with instead of spreading them out like this, but whatever. I'll be here.
She said, "Good. I'll call him and let him know. Thank you, Billy. I know it's your Summer vacation and all, but I'm hoping he'll do me a few favors and save us some money." Then she sighs to herself, like, "Your father was so much better at figuring these things out. He wasn't a full blown wiz at it or anything, but he was much more handy at fixing things then I ever was."
I smirked and told her, "That's because you're a GIRL! Girl's can't do anything!" She gave me a playful pinch on the side of my stomach and shared a short laugh with me. It was one of the first normal moments that she and I had experienced since coming out to her. It really did feel good. It was a return to the life that could have been, had I never said anything at all. Or...you know...hadn't gotten caught butt naked with my boyfriend on the living room floor. Whichever. Details.
When I left and went out to Ian's house, she didn't question it much. I thought for sure that she was going to ask me if I was going out to meet up with Brandon...but she didn't. In fact, she hasn't spoken his name in the house since that fateful weekend. Maybe I'm being weird for constantly waiting for her to say something negative or...you know...'Mom-like'. I wish I knew what it was, but I'd feel SO much more comfortable if she and I were, like, at war with one another over me being gay. This seems too easy. I can't feel safe when things are this easy.
Anyway, so I go to Ian's house, right?
This is my first time being there, and it's a really NICE house! Not to mention that he had the biggest damn TV in the living room that I've ever seen! It looked more like a movie screen than a television. Ian never really struck me as being a rich kid, but his house was definitely a few steps above me or any of my friends' houses. I liked it.
It was just me and him, and he immediately took me to his bedroom to sit me down in this really nice office chair that he had in front of his computer. He was so happy to have me over. Nearly bursting at the seams. He's like, "Oh man, I'm so glad you came! You have to check this out! Wait...hold on...ok, here it is!"
He was typing at the speed of light and pulling up all of these fancy programs and stuff...I could barely keep up. Then I saw a video that he made where he was looking into his camera...and he 'blinked'...and his eyes had this special effect on them that made them looking like they were glowing a bright golden color. My eyes got wide, and I was like, "Whoah! That's cool as shit, dude!"
He's like, "I KNOW right??? I finally figured out how to get the effect to track eye movement and stuff! Blinks and everything! So I can put this in the movie and make he vampire eyes look SUPER sweet!" I smiled as I saw Ian practically bouncing on his heels over the whole thing. God, it was so CUTE, seeing him so energized! He's like, "I'm gonna practice with a few other things too, but the effects aren't all that hard to work out once you know what you're doing. I might even add some cool stuff into the script to show off a little bit! And with you and Bobby and a few other people in the cast...oh WOW, this is gonna be soooo....." Then he looked at me, and suddenly he worked to calm himself down. Like, "Sorry. Hehehe!"
I'm like, "What? What's wrong? Keep going!"
He leans back against his desk and I see him blush a little bit. He says, "Like I said, I get really passionate about this kinda thing. I'm sorry, I'm being a dork."
I said, "No you're not! Dude, this is something you love! Get excited about it! You should. Besides it's..." I was about to say 'cute', but thought better of it. I said, "...It's really fascinating." Instead.
He's like, "Thanks. Sometimes I feel like nobody understands what the heck I'm talking about. Most of the time, actually. I don't realize how silly I'm being until after I've been blathering on about nothing for ten minutes straight. I suppose it's the burden of loving what you do, huh?" He gave me the sweetest smile, running his fingers through his red hair as he attempted to avoid any further embarrassment.
I told him, "I like your blathering. That's why I'm here today. Besides, like you said, I'd better get in good with you before you get to be some big celebrity, because then it'll be too late."
Ian grinned. "Yeah. Very true." He sat down on his bed and told me, "I get that from my dad, you know?"
I'm like, "Really?"
He's like, "Yeah. He never tells anybody about it but...he was a teen actor on a sitcom for a little while. Hehehe, I've seen little teen mags with his face on it and everything. It's kinda creepy, to be honest."
I was shocked. I'm like, "Omigod, are you serious? You're dad's a movie star?"
Ian rolled his eyes. "Hardly. Hehehe!" Then he folds his legs up under him on the bed, and he smiles, like, "He was popular for a while...then the show ended. No other roles really presented themselves to him...and that was that. I think his kinda bitter about it, to be honest."
I asked, "Bitter? Why would he be bitter?"
Ian told me, "Well, I think some of the people he really loved and trusted just...abandoned him once the show's run was over. People he thought would stick around. Real friends, you know?" He sighed out loud, and added, "He used to tell me that people in this world ONLY care about you on two occasions...when you're useful...and when you're famous. Once either one of those things runs out...the fake people run right out with it. I swear, he's warned me about it so many times that I've gotten to be a little paranoid about it over the years."
I said, "Maybe he just got a raw deal or something. It doesn't mean that you will too."
Ian was like, "Nah, it happens. I've been through it before. I've kinda learned to expect it at this point. People can just be...self absorbed, you know? Life is all about what you can do for them and never about what they might be willing to do for you. When I finish my vampire movie trilogy, I'd really love to bring that message home where other people can see it."
I said, "Other people matter..." It was sort of whispered under my breath, and more automatic than intentional...but I just remember Jimmy Laplane telling me that and having it really take a hold of me for some reason.
That's when Ian said, "Yes! Omigod, yes! 'Other people MATTER'! God, finally, somebody who gets it! Dude, can I put that in the movie?" Hehehe, it's not like it was anything overly profound or philosophical, but I didn't dare tell him no. He wrote it down in his notebook immediately, and he says, "I KNEW I made the right choice when I cast you in my flick! You're gonna make this movie so awesome!" Just then, the doorbell rang, and Ian popped up with a giant grin. He's like, "My baby's here! Hehehe! I'll be right back, k?"
He was gone before I could say anything, and I wondered if Bobby even knew that I was going to be here today.
The look on his face when he stepped into that bedroom let me know that he didn't.
Bobby sees me in his boyfriend's bedroom and I swear if he had turned more green with envy he would have become a houseplant. He's like, "Oh...Billy. Hi. I thought you were busy today."
Feeling a little frustrated that this was still an issue with him, I looked him in the eye, like, "Gee, Bobby...where did you get that idea?"
I don't think Ian noticed the tension in the room between us. Mostly because he didn't see the intensity of our stare. It wasn't really angry, but it felt like the over exaggerated equivalent of two hungry hobos fighting over the last spoonful of cooked beans in a can.
Ian was like, "This is awesome! I've got my two big headliners together now! Hold on, let me take some pics. Get closer together." He practically shuffled us up against the wall and used his camera to take some pics, and recorded a few seconds of video. Then he's like, "You guys are both so cute together! Oh man, you're gonna look so good on camera! I'm totally digging this whole vibe right now! Look, Bobby! With Billy on board, t's almost like having a real life celebrity in our movie."
Bobby immediately rolled his eyes at the comment. I don't know if he realized that he was being so obvious about it, but his whole demeanor changed right in front of my eyes. Even his shoulders slumped forward as his confidence drained out of him and a dark cloud seemed to hover over his head.
Ian, still excited, says, "Ummm, wait, I need some better lighting. Billy, you don't have to leave right away, do you? I just wanna try some stuff out, but I want to get my lighting stuff out of the basement." I shook my head, and in a flash, Ian was practically skipping through his house to get some extra equipment.
The moment we were alone, I said, "Didn't think you'd see me here today, did you?"
Bobby whined, "Why did you come here. Didn't Ian tell you that we'd be fine without you here?" What the heck was he talking about?
I'm like, "Bobby...why are you treating me like this? I already told you...I'm NOT trying to steal your boyfriend away from you! What the hell are you doing?"
He's like, "I know what you told me. But it's not about that."
I asked him, "Well, what is it about, then? Because I'm completely lost here. You were sooooo scared before! You went through all of this trouble to get the boy of your dreams, and now you've GOT him! Why can't you just sit back and enjoy it?"
Bobby suddenly looked around, listening to make sure Ian wasn't coming back just yet. Then, with a lowered voice, he says, "I DON'T want him to know about you! Don't you get it?" His eyebrows scrunched up in the saddest way, and he's like, "I don't want him to know about you, I don't want him to know about you and Brandon, I definitely don't want him to know about you and ME! Billy...just having you around like this...I can't deal with that right now, ok? How am I supposed to relax and enjoy anything?"
I grunted, "Omigod, you are being so stupid about this. You actually want me to go BACK in the closet for the rest of the Summer? Why? That makes no sense, especially considering that you and Ian are both, for all intents and purposes, OPENLY gay!"
Bobby was like, "I KNOW that it sounds silly to you, and I KNOW that I'm being selfish, but you wanna know something else? I don't CARE!" He whispered loudly. His eyes almost started to get misty as he said, "For once...for ONCE...I've got somebody who really likes me! Everybody gets their chance to be happy, and now it's *MY* turn!" I was going to say something, but Bobby seemed so...hurt, for some reason. He's like, "He thinks you're cute, you know? Ian. All I hear is 'Billy's the coolest', and 'Do you think Billy wants to be in my movie?', and 'Did you talk to Billy today? Say hi for me!' Do you have any idea what that does to me? Especially since I know it's all...true."
Softening my stance on the situation a bit, I tried to tell him, "Bobby...honestly, I'm not trying to come between you guys. Ian's a friend. Hardly even that! He's fun to be around. That's all it is. Trust me, when I talk to Ian...all he talks about is you. He loves you, Bobby. Isn't that enough?"
Bobby asked..."Is it ever enough?" I wasn't quite sure what he meant by that, but he was like, "I just want a clear lane for both of us to be together. Just us. For a little while. Soon...the Summer will be over, and we'll all go back to school. Then Ian's going to be walking the halls with you and Sam and Brandon and Stevie and...friggin' Jamie Cross, and every other insanely hot boy on the planet! I just...I just want ONE Summer! Just me and Ian together, working to build a strong connection that will keep us going, you know? I really REALLY care about him, Billy. You have no idea how head over heels I am. I'm not ready to have my heart torn apart again. Not now."
I said, "I understand that you're still a little shaky, Bobby, but...dude, you can't just lock Ian up in a basement somewhere and not let him live his life too. Even if you get a bit scared, you've got to be able to have some faith, and trust that Ian loves you too."
Bobby wasn't buying it though. He's like, "I can't do that. Not right now. Maybe one day it won't matter, but not now."
I told him, "Just chill, dude. He's only got eyes for you. No one else."
But Bobby whimpered, "There's ALWAYS someone else, Billy! Always!" I could hear his voice trembling, and he tried to keep his emotions in check as he told me, "No matter what we feel for each other, there's always somebody cuter, somebody cooler, somebody sexier, somebody funnier, somebody with more stuff in common. Somebody 'tempting'. Those boys are out there. Everywhere. And all it takes is a few giggles and ONE moment of weakness to completely destroy everything that we worked so hard to build together! Just ONE! You know it, and I know it. So don't pretend that you don't know what I'm talking about." I think, at that point, I began to let Bobby's paranoia get to me. He says, "Just imagine how happy you and Brandon would have been...if I hadn't come along. Imagine how happy you and I could have been if Brandon wasn't interested. Don't tell me that you weren't bothered by seeing Brandon and Stevie together when they were dating."
In my defense, I tried to say, "That was different, Bobby..."
But he's like, "HOW? How is that different? One moment of weakness...and everything gets wrecked. Forever. You know it's true." Bobby sniffled a bit, but seemed to be straightening up quickly as Ian would be back any second. He said, "Maybe the great and all powerful Billy Chase doesn't have to understand what I'm going through, because people fall all over you and think you're the greatest thing since God invented sunlight...but for boys like me, who have had their hearts broken time and time again for little to no reason at all...Ian is a once in a lifetime chance for me. I've never felt like this before, and I want to be as important and as necessary to him as he is to me. Can you understand that?" It was then that Bobby looked directly in my eyes and said, "Just remember...I once put faith in you too, Billy. And what do you know? There was somebody else. There's always somebody else."
I didn't know whether to be mad at him, or...or feel SORRY for him...or...I didn't know what to feel. I could have tried to let him know that I understood where he was coming from. I actually DID go pretty bonkers when Brandon started dating Stevie. And if there was ever a perfect example of there always being somebody else, it would be my first virgin relationship with AJ. And my second. And...my third? Then again, I could have told him that it was all bullshit and should stop being such a dumbass! But what good would it do to deliberately hurt his feelings when he was obviously feeling so vulnerable at that moment? I didn't want to be cruel.
Luckily, Ian came back up from the basement with his lights and tripods and stuff, all ready to have us take more pictures and try reading some of the dialogue from his script. Hehehe, Ian always had his notebook ready, changing things and taking notes as he got to see some of his ideas come to life. But in the back of my mind, I felt like every smile I shared with Ian was another dagger in Bobby's heart. I know that Bobby can be extremely sensitive when it comes to his heart, but he seems really invested in making this work. I kinda gave Ian my word that I'd be a part of his project. I didn't want to turn my back on him now. But it was never my intention to stress Bobby out just by being present in the same room either. I think Bobby and I just need some time to talk it out. We didn't get much of a chance today...but soon. I, personally, don't think Bobby has anything to worry about. but telling him that and getting him to actually believe it are two different things, I suppose.
Anyway, so here I am...thinking about what he said. And it's bugging me.
I sent Brandon a message to say, "I just wanted you to know that I'm thinking about you. I'm always thinking about you. Love you, sweetie. With all of my heart. Forever and ever. Promise." Followed by a few kissy face icons. I do stuff like that all the time, but now I have to ask myself if I just did that to 'protect my investment'. Would I have sent Brandon that message had it not been for Bobby's suspicions bringing my own insecurities to the surface? Or would I have just taken the opportunity to say 'I love you' for granted? Would my faith in our relationship deem such a silly effort unnecessary? Would it get worse over time...where I end up never telling Brandon how much I love him at all?
Oh God...would I turn into Lee as far as my sense of emotion and romance is concerned?
I don't need to start thinking about this! I always think too much, and I end up either running away from the situation or overcompensating to the point of wrecking things anyway. I think I'm going to try to maintain a middle ground this time. The only bad mistakes are the ones you don't learn from, after all. Ummm...I think.
Give me a break. I'm a teenager. I'm still figuring this stuff out. But I'm getting better at it, right?
At least...I hope I am.
Gotta get some sleep. I'll write more tomorrow though. I just need to untangle my thoughts for a little while.