- I'm a bit exhausted, but I figured I'd add an entry into tonight's book anyway. Besides, my day would seem pretty empty without doing it. It's funny how you can form such an addicting habit in such a short amount of time, and support it no matter what you feel like. I'd like to think of this book as more than just a 'hobby' now, it's more of an outlet. I'll be honest, when I started this, I half expected to get bored with writing down my every thought on paper within the first week. But, surprisingly, this book has virtually become my best friend at this point. It's the one thing on this Earth that'll listen to me whine and complain without ever telling me to shut up and stop being stupid. This book never gets bored, or angry, or too busy to listen to my problems. It doesn't judge me, or ask me to 'tone down' or sugarcoat a single thought in my head. And that is so comforting, because just writing this stuff down where I can see it and organize my thoughts in some sort of 'concrete' fashion helps to really get some of these confusing feelings out in the open. Sighhhhh...it's so much easier to deal with out in the open.
Anyway, I went back to see Jimmy again today, even though I had to take the bus all the way there. I was hoping that my valiant effort to show him I care would have had some kind of major impact on him and his decision to still want to go through with his suicide, but I think I was mistaken. In fact, he seemed like he didn't even want me there today So my whole visit was kinda in vain. He barely talked to me, and almost resented my presence there....like I was making him feel bad or something. Which was TOTALLY unfair! I mean, I was just trying to help. I was trying to prove to him that somebody cared, and that he had friends that would look out for him if he'd only let them in. But the more I try to connect, the more he pushes me away. It's like me trying to be 'obvious' about liking him was only coming off as fake as far as he was concerned. What else am I supposed to do? Just hold back and pretend that him KILLING himself is no big deal??? So much for being a knight in shining armor. He's more stubborn than ever. I only stayed for about a half hour before I realized it was just pointless. Maybe it wasn't even THAT long. But it seemed like it was a lot longer. He barely looked me in the eye. What was I gonna do? Force him? Please! I'm hardly one to think that I could be that intimidating. So I left, but made sure to give him a tight hug anyway. I thought about kissing him on the cheek or something, hoping that it would maybe give him a little thrill or something. But honestly? I felt kinda uncomfortable doing that. I can't explain why, but I really did. So..I just kinda....left. For the first time in my life....I feel like I'm just way too young to be dealing with this kinda thing. I just....I want him to be alright, you know? He's my friend...I need him to be safe and just...feel better.
Outside of my failed attempt at being Jimmy's 'pal', a couple of good things happened today. I saw Brandon twice today, and he asked if we could have one of our long conversations again tonight. Believe me, it was beyond flattering to know that this cute, once extremely shy, sweet boy wanted to talk to me. Even better...he wanted to talk to me OFTEN. He was soooo adorable asking me about it too. But I had to tell him about Jimmy, and let him know that I was visiting him in the hospital while he's been away. I think that surprised him a lot. Brandon just kinda looked at me, and says, "Oh...I didn't know you and Jimmy were so close."
And I tell him that we had pretty much started being friends when all this craziness happened. But I liked him an awful lot. And then, I came up with an idea. "Hey, you should come with me next time. I think Jimmy would like that. You know, he really needs some friends right now."
But Brandon kinda wrinkled up his nose a little bit, and shook his head. So I asked why not, and he was like, "I'm sorry. I don't really know him all that well. I kinda don't wanna see him like that. It would freak me out." And by 'like that', I'm assuming he means, 'hurt from a horrible self inflicted suicide attempt'. I didn't push too hard, as he seemed to have made up his mind about the whole thing. But it would have been cool to have him come along. Maybe I'll try again later. If for no other reason than to get the chance to stare at him dreamily for an extra hour a day.
Joanna had weird things on her mind today, and wouldn't tell me about them. Not even when I tried to get her to talk to me. I can't explain it really, but it really bothered me to see her unhappy. She seemed conflicted with the whole world today. Sam made a few attempts to make her laugh...and he seemed to be the only one at our table that could get a decent chuckle out of her. But it wasn't enough to get her to let go of what was bugging. So, after lunch, I walked her to her locker, leaned forward, and gave her a kiss on the lips. Just a little one. A caring one, you know? Funny, I was so uncomfortable to kiss Jimmy in the hospital, but kissing Joanna came so easy. It made her feel better, and she hugged me tight while I tried to comfort her. She felt so good in my arms. I melted. And when she let go, all I could think about was making her feel good. I hope it worked.
The rest of my day was pretty standard. Except that Bobby Jinette had a boner in gym today. He wouldn't get up from the bench, and complained that his ankle hurt. He was pretending to rub it and everything. But when I looked over at him again, he was kinda trying to 'adjust' himself in the front. And he definitely had a handful with a pretty nice sized pole there Have you ever noticed, that in high school, no matter how little you know about some boy, even if he's not your type, even if you just plain hated him inside and out...even if you thought he was butt ugly...even if he had bullied you out of lunch money every single day since the 2nd grade...that boy becomes automatically HOT the second you see them with a hard on? Something about it just implies this intense sexual passion about them, and it lets you know that they've got a hot piece of meat between their legs somewhere just like everybody else, whether you took the time to notice it or not. Now Bobby? He was cute, and he was cool...albeit a bit bashful. And he seems like he might like boys as much as I do. So seeing him with a boner was like...a starving man dreaming about a steak. I hope he didn't catch me staring. But....wow...I almost popped a boner of my own just thinking about it. I think I actually felt my mouth watering. Weird.
That's it. I've gotta sleep. My eyes are burning. I'll write more later. Seeya.
- Something really odd happened today. Well, you know how I figured Bobby Jinette for being gay and all right? Well...that was all well and fine, because he was cute, and he was looking at me in the gym locker room, and I liked the idea of there being other cute gay boys my age out there. Even if they are hidden pretty deep in the closet. But today, for some reason, I got really annoyed with him. He wasn't doing anything wrong really..he was just...talking to Brandon in a corner of the hallway. I don't know why that steamed me so much, but he was like...chit chatting with him, and Brandon was TOTALLY chit chatting BACK with him. They were like...I don't know...giggling and...making eye contact and stuff. I don't know why, but I felt this almost painful sinking feeling in the pit of my stomach. Like, 'who is HE to be taking up Brandon's attention like that?' You know? Not that it MEANS anything, because Brandon's totally straight! I'm just saying...I mean, what is he doing talking to him? Why is he all 'smiley' and stuff? Idiot...you're just wasting your time if you think you're gonna get in his pants or anything. Brandon's probably one of the cutest boys in school, but he's off limits. I've already been there, and I know. So....why bother, right?
Sighhh....I don't know what's up with my emotions. I just didn't want him to get suckered into thinking that Brandon would EVER be interested in him like that. Because if he WAS, then he would have wanted ME.....right? Because me and Brandon are like...'perfect' together. In every possible way. And because...because I was there first. So if Brandon was even REMOTELY gay....which he isn't...then he'd be with me. Not Bobby Jinette! Psh! Because we compliment each other so well. So...I should just turn my head and leave it alone. I don't care. They can talk all they want. He's just barking up the wrong tree, that's all. It's pretty pathetic to even watch him doing it. Desperate, much? I have to admit though, it's weird having Brandon's full attention on anybody else but me for some odd reason. I mean, I know I have a boyfriend...AND a girlfriend, and some weird obsession with Jamie Cross, and a crush on half of the boys in school...but it just stings a little bit to see Brandon's smile directed at somebody else besides me. Over everybody else in my life...something about Brandon feels more like...'mine', you know? I guess that's pretty selfish, huh? I'm weird today.
Sam was being a bit strange today, and he also seemed kinda down. I can always tell when he's feeling sad or when something is going on with him. He has this habit of rubbing his fingernails together...on his thumb and middle finger. It makes this light 'snapping' noise, and he pretends to be staring at it instead of looking me in the eye. Also, he gets really quiet, and he kinda shrugs his shoulders a lot. Like nothing bothers him at all. But I swear, that shrug seems more painful than all the tears in the world once you know what the meaning behind it is. So I asked him about it. It's what friends do. And he and I have always shared all of our problems with each other in the past. Even when we were little. It felt so mature...being a part of a friendship like that. I was kinda hoping that we could hold onto that for the rest of our lives. But he didn't offer up any answers this time. I saw the shrug, I saw the fingernail thing, but he didn't tell me what was bothering him. I do know that he talked to Joanna on the phone last night, but it looks like she brought him down instead of him cheering her up, because he was being really odd. The more I asked him about it, the less he said. So what could I do? I left him alone, and I let him know I was here if he needed me. I hope he'll think of me when the time is right. I really do.
Joanna and I held hands pretty much all day today. I think the kiss I gave her yesterday really made a difference to her somehow, and she seemed to love me for it. I felt this incredible tingling in my chest, just knowing that she felt better, even if her bad mood had been transferred to my best friend in the process. Just being close to her. Holding her whenever we stopped walking. And this was one of the first times that it didn't feel awkward kissing her at all in a room full of people. With tongue no less! Hehehe! I like that part! Geez, when I started this book, the only practice I had ever had kissing was on my teddy bear and my pillow! (And once on my cousin Rachael....but that's a whole other story!) Now I feel so...'comfortable' with it. It's weird. Anyway, it was a good time for the both of us, and it was good to see her smile. She put her head on my shoulder at lunch and just left it there. Relaxing. It was awesome.
I'm not going to bed right away. I'm trying to stay up for a bit longer. My dad didn't come home tonight like he always does, which isn't normal. My mom and I sat down to dinner, and when I asked where he was, she simply told me he was 'out'. A second inquiry was answered with the simple response of, "Eat your mashed potatoes, honey." Which is as good a way of saying 'shut up' as I've ever heard from a mother. So, I guess I'm just gonna stay up for a while longer and see if he shows up. Just to make sure. It looks like he's out past his 'curfew'...so this should be interesting to see.
I wonder if he'll get grounded? Can parents do that? Hehehe!
- Well...my dad never did come home last night. But I saw him later on tonight, and when I asked him what happened, he said the exact same thing that my mom did. "I was just 'out'." Well, duh! Like I couldn't see that.
Anyway, he asked me what day I was going to see Jimmy again this coming week, and offered to give me another ride out there. But I had to tell him straight out that I didn't know. I said, "I don't think Jimmy wants to talk to me anymore. Or at least not right now. The last trip was a total mistake." But he explained to me that Jimmy is probably just going through a hard time, and that it might be rough, but I should make an effort to be there if I think I can. The problem with that is...I wasn't sure that I wanted to. I was actually kinda scared to. I mean, what's the use in getting close to somebody who's probably gonna end up dead in the next couple of weeks? Maybe it's safer if I just stay away from him. If Jimmy and I became really close, I don't think I could handle having him kill himself. I'd rather he disappeared forever without a trace, and I could somehow, in the back of my mind, just imagine that he survived. And that he's happy in some other town somewhere, without any more pain or ridicule at all. That would be so much better. So much better than....this.
Anyway, my dad then offered to just go for a drive this weekend. And I sorta...'politely' declined. He seemed set on it, but I got out of it by promising him that I'd go with him another day. And he took me at my word. I'm glad. Besides, I've got a chance to have hot naked SEX with AJ tomorrow, and I don't wanna blow it. (Hehehe, I said 'blow it'...! God, I love the way the simplest thoughts of AJ make me feel!)
I was late to school today by about ten minutes, but they make you go get a pass from the office if you're late for your first class. Stupid rule..believe me. Because if you're ten minutes late and run to class, the teacher will turn you around and send you BACK to the office to get the pass...which means that you'll be fifteen or TWENTY minutes late instead of ten. Stupid. So anyway, I had to get the pass, and I felt ridiculous doing it. But it must have been, like, FATE today though, because the most amazing thing happened this morning! The lady at the school office was on the phone, and I had to wait for her to finish before I could get my tardy pass, and just as I was about to lose my patience.....Jamie Cross walks in!!! He just....'walks in'...like he was a normal HUMAN BEING or something! AHHHH...he is SO above normal! So, naturally, I gasp to myself and freeze up like I usually do. Well, he has to wait too, so he walks over....and he sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME!!! Like, HIS arm was right next to MY arm! I was shaking so bad, and then he looks at me and says, "Hi. You late too?" Omigod....my stomach tied itself into a tight knot and I just kinda nodded while trying not to throw up from excitement. I don't get it, I thought I was DONE with all of this weird behavior around Jamie. I have a boyfriend now, and the last time I saw Jamie, it didn't really send me over the edge like it always did before. But today he looked REALLY fucking HOT!!!! He had this white long sleeved shirt on with light blue designs on it, and some grey cargo pants. And he smelled really good too. Plus his blond hair was like...perfect today. So...he was looking all slim and fine and cuddly...and he speaks to me in such a friendly way. I just wasn't prepared for it, you know? I loved every second that I spent sitting beside him in that office...but was also relieved when I got to leave. Being there was seriously making me sweat up a storm. Just believe me when I say that seeing Jamie Cross in all his beauty...is as close as you can get to God while you're still alive. Unless, of course, I got the chance to make out with him! Oh shit...don't go there, Billy! I'll have a permanent erection for LIFE if I started imagining something like that!
Joanna gets the 'Jekyll and Hyde' award for the week! Arrrgh! Everything was so cool between us yesterday. What happened to all the hugs and the kisses and the cuddles? I thought things were picking up. I thought maybe we were getting closer again. But nooooo....today she was more distant than ever. Me and Sam came to the table, and whenever I put my arm around her today at lunch, she just pulled away from me. It was like she didn't really want me to touch her at all. Like she was embarrassed to be seen being affectionate with me or something. So once I got finished trying to be all cozy with her at the lunch table, I just decided to talk to Sam for a while and hope that he didn't notice that she was acting weird. I just don't get her sometimes. Maybe I should call her tomorrow. Or hang out at the mall, just for a little while. I can see AJ later in the day, I'm sure. I just don't want her mad at me or anything. I think that's what I'll do. It was me not being there that got her acting strange in the first place. I'll try to do better. I will.
Oh, and one more thing! I saw Bobby and Brandon talking in the hallway today, AGAIN!!! And I was even angrier than before! I mean, are they, like, FRIENDS or something now??? When did this even HAPPEN??? I mean, what the hell are hey giggling about, anyway? I wonder if they'll get to a point where they're talking on the phone or something, or email, or chatting or.....whatever. I'll just BET that Bobby wants him! I KNOW he does! He can't fucking hide it from me! I bet he saw Brandon and started having all kinds of sexual fantasies about him. He probably looks at his cute, suckable, lips, and his pretty smile, and his shiny eyes, and he thinks about how awesome it would be to kiss him and roll around with him and feel his passion pushing into him over and over again Picturing him naked and hard, sucking on him, and kissing every inch of him, and letting his hands run up and down his naked back while he's on top of him. I bet he imagines Brandon being all warm and soft.....and that his kisses are like...HEAVEN, because his lips are so cute! I'll bet you that Bobby probably jacks off about him all the time. And I HATE that! I don't know WHY, but I do. I actually 'pouted' about it all through fifth period today. Am I being stupid or what? How I feel is such a difficult thing to figure out these days.
Ok, you know what? I'm trying to be reasonable about this, but today, I CLEARLY saw Bobby Jinette look directly at Brandon's ass as he bent over to pick up some of his books from the bottom of his locker! I SAW him!!! I was so enraged that I literally walked over here and broke up their little 'intimate' conversation! I mean, why is Bobby suddenly smiling at my...well...my FRIEND like that? Brandon and I were getting close long before HE came along! I said hello to Brandon and he smiled at me right away. And I asked if he wanted to talk this weekend on the phone, and he said yes. He was all like, "I always wanna talk to you, Billy." And if I could stick my tongue out at Bobby, I would have. Sniffing around my pretty boy is NOT smart! He's mine! Well...not mine really...but...I liked him first. So Bobby can go look at some OTHER boy's hot ass! NOT Brandon's!
I know....this is about as abnormal as I get. I'm sorry, I don't know why I even care. It's just...I have this weird need to protect Brandon and keep his heart safe. No....wait...that's not it. It's more like...I need to make sure that he's....not..like...led into anything against his will. Um...no....that's not right either. I don't know what it is. I just don't want some other boy 'pawing' him, that's all. That's, like, MY job! (Or something)
Ok, that's a strange way to end this. But I've gotta go. I might be having lots of SEX tomorrow, and I need my strength! Hehehe! I'll write more and tell ya all about it later! Seeya!