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Be sure to keep on reading "Billy Chase"...
...And I'll set up that million dollar staring contest between you and Gavin Casalegno!!! (He'll probably lose though, because...those eyes, man! I can stare at THOSE eyes all day!)*
*(Previous Statement May Not Be True)
- I'm not going back out there. I'm not leaving this room until tomorrow morning. And I'm only doing it THEN because I've got to go back to work tomorrow.
This sucks! You have no idea how unfair this is! But I'm not going to get myself all worked up about that again just yet, or this entry is going to end up being WAY too long! A mini-novel at the very least.
Just...Arrrrrgh! Fuckin' PARENTS!
I went to work today, even though I felt kinda crappy today. I don't know, maybe I'm coming down with something. My nose hurts too! Is that even normal? I was trying to think back to the last day or two to see if maybe I bruised it or scratched it or something. I keep rubbing it, and it's still sore. Like...right on the side of it or something. I'm gonna stop rubbing it though, because I've got a bit of a red mark on my cheek now. Whatever it is, I'm probably making it worse. Best to leave it alone.
Ugh! I just looked in the mirror. Did a friggin' bug bite me in the face or something? What the hell?
Anyway, so I went to work this morning, and the store was pretty empty today. In fact, the whole mall was empty. The weather was absolutely gorgeous outside, so everybody was probably hanging out at the beach or going to one of those big carnivals or street festivals that keep popping up all over the city. It made for a mellow day. Not that I was complaining.
Terrell was at work today, and something about having him there always made my work shifts just a little bit more enjoyable, you know? I don't know what it was. He was just...COOL! Have you ever just spent time around somebody that was so cool and laid back that you found yourself feeling cool and laid back by association alone? That's kinda how Terrell was. It's like, he was confident, and comfortable in his own skin...but at the same time, it was like he didn't care if you noticed or not. Like...he was a part of this awesome party for cool people, and you could either join him, or miss out on having the time of your life.
I dunno, that's just me. Like I said, I think I harbored a mini crush on him. Nothing serious, just...awwww, he was cute. Hehehe!
Ollie was on register as usual, and since we didn't really have much to do besides grab some Windex and paper towels to wipe some of the shelves and counters down, I was hanging out at the front counter with him and Terrell. I could listen to the both of them talk all day long. I swear. I wish they were a few years younger so they could go to school with me. They'd make everything so much better on an average high school day.
At one point, Terrell kept look out on the work floor, and watching Taylor and Garrett chit chatting with each other in the friendliest way. It was a bit of a shock to the system, you know? Considering that Taylor almost never goes this long without returning to his almost abrasive persona, and Garrett...well, he never really talked to much of ANYBODY up until about a week ago...this was an event that was odd enough to draw our attention over to what they were doing. Terrell gives me a sideways look and a sly grin. He's like, "Billy, you're just out and about, right? You and the boyfriend? Look over there. I ain't gonna say shit, just...tell me what you're seeing right now."
I saw Garrett giggle to himself a bit, a small blush in his cheeks, as Taylor took a few artists that he didn't like in his section and hide them underneath the shelf. They seemed happy, but I was like, "I don't know. They look alright to me."
Terrell says, "That's all? I don't know. I mean, not Taylor. I think Taylor is a little too grumpy to explore his softer side. But I'm starting to think that Garrett might be playing for another team. LOOK at him, man. He's eating that boy's attention up with a spoon. You think he's a 'switch hitter'? I wouldn't be shocked if I heard he was."
Ollie was like, "Leave them alone. I think it's cute. The ogre finds a heart of gold, and the shy little turtle gets brought out of his shell. I couldn't think of a more perfect match."
I said, "You think so? I don't know. Maybe. Anything is possible, I s'pose."
Terrell was like, "Speaking of perfect matches in Boner Heaven, have you noticed how Billy comes in here smiling a little brighter these days? Because I have."
My jaw dropped wide open as Ollie giggled a little bit and gave Terrell a playful wink. I'm like, "What's THAT supposed to mean?"
Ollie's snickering got worse, and he says, "Calleigh and I have been noticing it a lot more since Taylor's café gig, you know? It feels good to be 'out' doesn't it?" Then he's like, "You don't realize just how heavy a weight that secret is until you get rid of it. Life, and love, and especially SEX...it all gets sooooo much better once the secret is gone. It's automatic. Wow...I wish I could come out for the first time again. My sex life got to be so HOT, I thought I was going to have to check myself into rehab!"
Terrell laughed, "You see what I'm sayin'? That's what I'm talking about! Ever since then, Billy's been coming in here looking like he's about to start handing out lollipops and hundred dollar bills. You've been tearing that ass up, haven't you? It's Summertime, nobody's home, you call Brandon up like, 'Hey Baby...why don't you slide on through for a little bit. Let me give you some attention.' Billy's sitting around the house, rock hard, drinking Kool Aid and shit..." I started laughing out loud. He's like, "Then you get a little make out session in first, but after THAT? Oh, romance gets thrown out the window! 'Get naked, BITCH! Take them clothes off! Turn your sexy ass around! Yeah! Mmm! Yeah! Quit hollering, you know you love it! Smack smack smack!"
Ollie and I were cracking up so hard that Terrell didn't see out manager Scott walking out of the office. He just shook his head and said, "Let's calm down, guys. There aren't that many customers in here right now, but the ones that are might not want to picture our employees banging each other. Alright? Go clean something, already."
It took a few minutes for the giggles to wear off, but Terrell said, "I'm just saying...some days you come in here looking pretty 'relaxed'. That's how we know you're gettin' some ass. Otherwise, you'd come in here looking like your one stubbed toe away from a killing spree, like Taylor." He pinched Ollie's cheek, "You see this face? This is the face of someone who's getting some ass on the regular. You see it? This is what you look like right now."
Ollie gave me the goofiest smile while Terrell was still stretching his face out with a tight pinch, and it made me laugh. I blushed a deep red and said, "I...I kinda get my fait share of...ummm...hehehe..."
Terrell's like, "ASS! Go ahead! Say it!"
I loudly said, "ASS! A fair share of ASS!" That comment got us a more stern look from Scott, so we decided not to push it any further. He was the nicest manager in the world, but he could change on us if he thought we were taking his kindness for a weakness. Lowering my voice, I said, "It's more than that, though. I just love spending time with him, you know? Talking to him. Everything about him is beautiful, you guys. I don't think I've ever been so happy."
Ollie melted and gave me a smile. "Awwwww...you're gonna get me all misty eyed up here. First love is so adorable." Then he playfully swatted me on the back of the head, and said, "But quit getting caught by your mama! That shit is nasty!"
I'd have to say that I agree with that statement.
So...the day was dragging along, and the store stayed empty for most of it. Scott actually told me that I could go home a few hours early if I wanted to. It's not like they needed us all there for what little business we had. I was kinda happy to go. To be honest, all this talk about Brandon made me crave his kiss even more than usual. My sweetheart is always right there in the back of my mind. A fantasy that I can go to an unlimited number of times to visit whenever I needed the goosebumps. Something about love makes you feel so strong, you know?
I made sure to sit all the way at the back of the bus for a little bit of privacy before calling Brandon at home. Hehehe, just...I had this lovey dovey feeling pulsating in the center of my heart and I had this dire need to hear his voice as soon as possible before I had some sort of a weird breakdown right there in public. I think there might be some truth to what Ollie said today. I think it feels better being able to talk about him. Be seen with him. Proudly hold hands with him and stare into his eyes without paranoia constantly bearing down on me like a giant boulder all the time. There was a freedom in knowing that other people knew...and that life went forward anyway. Looking back...I was practically suffocating myself with the mystery of it. This feels SO much better!
When Brandon picked up his phone, he was making these weird smacking sounds with his mouth, and I giggled gleefully at the noise as I asked him what the heck he was DOING! He's like, "Hehehe, I'm sorry! You caught me in the middle of eating these awesome pink grapefruit wedge thingies. They're sooooo good. You would love them. You like this kinda stuff even more than me." Then he looks at the time and he's like, "Hey! It's only 3 O'clock. Aren't you still at work?"
I'm like, "Nope! Got out early today. It was slow."
He said, "Ahhhh, sunlight is the mall's best friend and worst enemy at the same time, I guess." Then I can hear him eating again and told him to STOP that! He's like, "Hehehe! I CAN'T! Dude, these are so sweet an addictive! I'll bring you some at work tomorrow if you want. We can have lunch together. I wanna get on of those new iced mocha coffee drinks from the food court. I got a coupon by the mailbox Saturday."
Wow. Just hearing him smile was like an adrenaline rush for me. Just knowing that we had fairly traded our hearts to one another, and that we were having so much darn FUN with it! Then, after a minute or two of our usual effortless banter, I felt this weird 'pressure' building up within me. The phone wasn't enough. I needed more.
So I was like, "Well, you know...since I'm off early and stuff today...ummm...hehee..." I don't know why I was blushing so hard, but even while I was squirming around in my seat on the bus, I said, "...Maybe you'd wanna slide through for a little while. Let me give you some attention." Hehehe, I think that's how Terrell said it.
Brandon was still eating, but laughing with his mouth half full of grapefruit. He's like, "Hehehe, 'slide through and what now? Are you 'pimp talking' me, Billy? What's going on here?"
I giggled and told him, "I'm trying to invite you over to my house! If you'd stop eating that damn grapefruit for a few minutes...!"
He's like, "Hahaha! I'm hungry! Don't judge me!" But after a few seconds, withoutany further hesitation, Brandon sighed to himself in the cutest way, and said, "When do you think you'll be home?" YES! Contact! Oh God, I started getting hard immediately!
"I'll be home in like TEN minutes! Fifteen minutes tops!" I wasn't trying to sound so excited, but...hehehe it's Brandon. He knows how antsy I get when it comes to him paying me a naughty little visit.
He's like, "M'kay. Ummm...I'll try to be there in thirty. Just don't go anywhere, ok? I'm on my way."
I'm like, "Sweet! I'll be waiting."
Then, Brandon says, "I love you, Billy." And gives me a kiss over the phone.
I'm like, "I love you too, baby." I was physically trembling when I said it. Sometimes the words have such a powerful meaning to them. Hehehe, omigod, I can't believe how AWESOME that boy makes me feel! Oh man...I needed him so bad today!
Parents screw up everything. Like...deliberately! What the hell?
Don't get me wrong, I got home, and Brandon came over. Hehehe, our lips were smashing up against each other the second he entered the door. I know that we have more in common and more to do with one another besides sex...but if sex is on the table, then why NOT? Hehehe, we can talk anytime! I'm glad that he doesn't hold out when it comes to being intimate. I don't think I'd be able to handle wanting to be closer to him and having him keep me at arms length. It's just another way that we're totally compatible with one another.
Being naked with him was such an honor. I never get tired of feeling his soft skin against mine. Of tasting the leaking fluids of his spongy tip as I sucked him for all I was worth. And the clutching ring of his beautiful ass as it gripped me tight and swirled around my hard shaft as I drove it into him. The way he would close his eyes and tilt his head back with this boyish whimper when I entered him? Sexiest thing EVER! Wow! I can't imagine what life would be like if he and I could just have our own place together, away from the rest of the world. I think our entire lives would be reduced to sex, giggles, and grapefruit, within the first few weeks. And I'm ok with that!
Brandon was more than satisfied with his visit today. We even got a chance to just cuddle and kiss for a while after a while. But...Brandon's scared to death of my mom for some reason. I understand things being a little awkward for him and all, but...I didn't want this to be a lingering fear that he feels he needs to hold on to. At least not forever.
When we're together, he's constantly watching the clock. Listening and reacting to every little noise that he hears. I just...I want us to be in a world of our own. Kinda like before. You know? I guess I should give him a period of adjustment. That's the mature thing to do, right? Who knows? The concrete rules of maturity are so hard to figure out sometimes.
So, it's getting REALLY close to the time when my mom comes home from work, and Brandon is getting increasingly nervous about it. He's fighting off my smooches so he can get his clothes back on, and even though we're talking and having fun, all he wants to do is leave and go home before she sees him. I'm like, "What's the big HURRY? Hehehe, it's ok. My Mom knows now. The hard part is over, right?"
I was palming his ass when I said it, kissing whatever part of his pretty face my addicted lips could reach. But he said, "It's not over, Billy. We need to be more careful, ok? And I don't want..."
Suddenly, the sound of my mom's car pulling into the driveway flooded the room. Brandon's face looked as if it was morphing into an expression of pure misery. I asked him what was the matter, and he's like, "I TOLD you what the matter was, Billy! Fuck! Now she's home! Why can't you just listen to me for once ad not treat this as though it was no big deal?" He actually seemed to be upset with me for wanting him to stay and spend some more time with me.
I said, "What 'big deal'? Brandon, she's going to have to get used to us being together eventually. I don't understand."
He's like, "You don't even WANT to understand. I'm a part of this too, you know? And I'm not ready to just toss caution to the wind every time you want me to come over here."
I'll have to admit...it hurt. The thing with me and Brandon, our hearts are so open to one another that the simplest of comments can cause some real damage if we're not careful. We didn't get a chance to argue it out before my mom was sticking her house key into the front door and coming inside.
She stopped for a moment when she saw Brandon standing there. As beautiful as he was, his bashful reaction to her presence spoke volumes. His head lowered, eyes gazing at the carpet. She felt just as awkward, seeing my boyfriend for the first time since...well, since you know when. But she managed to stutter, "Oh! Brandon...I...hello. I didn't know that you...um...how are you?"
My mom gave him a rather artificial hug. I couldn't tell if it was because she didn't approve, or because she was just feeling put on the spot. Brandon mumbled, "Hello, Mrs. Chase." But didn't say anything else. His hug was just as clumsy as hers was.
There were a few disingenuous moments of my mother offering Brandon a seat at our table if he wanted to stay for dinner, followed by a few weak excuses from Brandon as to why he had to get home, and before I knew what was going on...he was leaving! Just...he was actually leaving my house. I was going to give him a sweet kiss goodbye but I didn't even get a chance. He just kept his head down and walked out the door, saying he'd talk to me later.
I didn't understand. What the hell just happened???
I spent the first part of the night thinking that Brandon was just overreacting and being silly. I was thinking that my boyfriend was TOTALLY welcome here! And then...when I was cleaning the plates off of the table from dinner, my mom said something that totally blew my mind.
At first, she's like, "Billy? Honey, can you sit down for a minute? I think we need to talk about something. Ok?"
I wasn't sure what it was that she wanted to talk about, but from her face and tone of voice alone...I knew that it was going to be something 'troublesome'. I just KNEW it. She hasn't looked at me like that since the divorce.
I was like, "What's up?" And she paused for a moment, giving me a concerned look and putting her hand on top of mine on the table. I asked, "What's going on?"
It was like she didn't know how to phrase it exactly, but she finally just came out with it. She says, "Billy...I know how much you and your friend Brandon like each other..."
And I corrected her, like, "My boyfriend, Brandon..."
She nodded, but I don't think she gave that comment much validity at all. She just says to me, "...Honey, I'm going to be really honest with you right now. I'm not comfortable with the idea of you and Brandon being here all alone in the house when I'm not here. Ok? I think we need to set some ground rules concerning this."
I was only confused for a second or two before the insult of it all came rushing to the surface. I'm like, "What are you talking about? Not comfortable? Ground rules? What does that even mean?"
I pulled my hand away from my mom's, breaking the connection. She said, "To be blunt, I don't think you're old enough to be having boys over to the house without some kind of parental supervision. This...relationship of yours is sweet, and I'm happy for you...but I think we need to calm things down a little bit."
Calm things down??? What the fuck does THAT mean? I'm not a baby! Does she have any IDEA what I've been through in the last year and a half ALONE? I started jacking off and fantasizing about sucking other boys' dick since I was ELEVEN! I've been sucking of AJ in public park restrooms, straddling my best friend's lap, and having THREESOMES in Robin's basement, for a long time now! If she knew how many ways I fucked Jimmy LaPlane forwards and backwards in this very house, she'd have a coronary! I mean...do parents completely forget their teenage years? Or were they all born at age 30? Does she still think I'm only old enough for coloring books and teddy bears at this age? What the fuck does she TAKE me for?
I was like, "Brandon's the love of my life. I care about him and he cares about me too. What's wrong with us spending some quality time without somebody standing over our shoulder to make sure we behave?"
She said, "Nobody is standing over your shoulder, Billy. But I don't like the idea of you two doing God knows what when I'm not here."
I said, "God knows what? What are you talking about? We're not playing with matches and deadly chemicals under the sink. We're not smoking weed or doing lines of cocaine or anything."
She said, "How am I supposed to know that? After you and your friends decided to have a little 'party' while I was away last time."
Giving her a strange look, I said, "That's TOTALLY unrelated! And you know it! You're just using that as an excuse!"
My mom put her hand up and simply said, "I said what I had to say, and that's that. From now on, I want to be here when you invite Brandon over. Period. Take it or leave it. Otherwise, he can't come over anymore."
Appalled, I shouted, "That's so UNFAIR!!!" It hurt me to my very soul to hear it. Where was this even COMING from? I'm like, "We're not doing 'God knows what' while you're away, Mom. You wanna know what we do?" Don't say it, Billy! Shut up, shut up, shut up! Ugh...I said it, didn't I? "We have SEX! Consensual sex! We LOVE each other! We find each other attractive! And we're building a committed relationship with one another in a safe and responsible manner. So what's the problem? We've had the sex talk, the condom talk, the rape talk, STD talk...and it's not just something random and horny. Mom...we have FEELINGS for each other! Brandon and I are in love! What's so hard to understand about that? Why can't you just leave us alone?"
My mother's mouth dropped open, and she finally just said, "You know what? I don't want him over here anymore unless you talk to me first. You hear me? You want to be responsible and act like an adult, prove to me that you can do that by following house rules."
I said, "These aren't house rules. You never even MENTIONED this before! It's because I'm gay, isn't it???"
She said, "This has NOTHING to do with your sexual preference. It has everything to do with the fact that I'm not ok with this situation as it is right now. So you're either going to do what I ask of you and respect the rules of this house or I'm going to have to talk to Brandon's parents about what's been going on here."
I screamed, "YOU CAN'T DO THAT!!!" She gave me a strange look and I said, "Brandon's not even out to his dad yet. Mom, you'll ruin EVERYTHING! Can you just leave us alone? PLEASE???"
Needless to say, she wasn't going for it. She sent me to my room and I was more than happy to go. I was getting scared that I might say or do something that might REALLY get me in trouble if I didn't get away from her as soon as possible. I don't know if I'm in trouble or what, but the fact that my own mother just reduced all of my life experience and personal growth to the mentality of your average five year old made me feel so SMALL! So helpless! Why can't I have a boyfriend? Am I that irrational and naïve that I can't be left to determine feelings of intimacy on my own? Where was her big speech when I was sneaking out in the middle of the night to let AJ fuck me in the ass? Or when I was screwing Bobby Jinette instead of remaining loyal to my number one sweetheart? I could still be sneaking around in secret, but I told her the truth. I made a commitment, and I'm sticking to it. So NOW what's the fucking problem??? Parents just don't ever want their kids to ever have sex. That's all! And I HATE that! It's none of her business! I shared it with her because I trusted her to love and understand me no matter what. But that was obviously a mistake...because she just told me that the most incredible, most important, boy in my whole life isn't welcome in our house unless she was there to spy on us and make sure that we don't do anything 'dirty'.
That's why she's temporarily in my top five 'Shittiest People EVER' list right now! And I just...I'm not talking to her until she takes it back. Brandon has been nothing but nice to her, and this is how she treats him? Maybe she's not as tolerant as she thinks she is.
I don't know. I'm not going to get myself into any trouble or anything, but Brandon and I have worked too hard to rebuild what was broken between us to let something so petty as a third party's 'discomfort' ruin it now. I'll figure something out. We both will.
Before I started writing this, Brandon sent me a message. It said:
I'm sorry, Billy. For what I said earlier today, I mean. I kinda flipped out, and that wasn't cool. Just...let's just call a truce, k? I miss you already. I was out of line. Just tell me you love me, and we'll start all over again. I promise. I miss you.
Then he added:
Ps- I'll give you grapefruit if you forgive me. I've got some left.
With a cute little smiley face after it. He really didn't need to apologize. Maybe I was taking his feelings for granted by not understanding his side of the equation. I mean, my mom actually mentioned talking to his DAD, for crying out loud. It's easy to go for what *I* want all the time when I'm not thinking of all the possible consequences that might go along with it for him. I don't know, it was just a moment of weirdness where the both of us fell out of balance. You know? That's all it was.
I'm still kinda pissed at my mom for being so...cruel! But I wasn't pissed at Brandon. Hurt, maybe. But never pissed. He's my sweetie. Forever and always. I couldn't be mad at him if I tried.
I didn't want him to stress for another second, so I immediately texted him back and said, "I love you too. And I'm sorry. K?"
Hopefully that will reset the game and we can get back to kissing and giggling and enjoying love. The way young teenagers are supposed to. You know...before outsiders barge in and start putting limitations on us. Whatever. I'm a prisoner in this house anyway. Might as well get used to it.
At least for now.
Gotta run. But I'll write more later.