- Well...it's official now. I'm actually GOOD at having sex!!! Hehehe, YEP! Everybody is kinda new and weird with everything that first time out, so I think anything would've felt good that time. But, me and AJ did it at his house again today, and it was, like, MUCH better! I didn't just lay there all weirded out and goofy about what was going on. And, it helped that his MOM wasn't in the other room too! So we kinda....sighhhh....just took our time and really did it right today.
It's so different, you know? When you go to see somebody, and you KNOW you're gonna have sex with them. It's like...all the excitement is there, but the anxiety and the doubt is gone. You just can't wait to get there and get naked so you can start feeling awesome again. When AJ called and told me his mom was going to be gone all day long, I knew exactly what that meant. And he calls me 'tasty boy', which is soooo cute! He's all like, "I can't wait to taste you again, baby."
And I am on the phone just DYING! I didn't want my parents to hear me talking, so I speak softly, and I say, "Me too. I'll be there as soon as I can, ok? I love you." And he says he loves me TOO! (GOD, I love that!) So I practically throw myself into the shower, clean myself up really good all over, and head out to his house. We start kissing the second he opens the door, and he grabs me by the hand and leads me to his bedroom without hardly saying a word. And then it happened. We did it again. And again. And AGAIN! So now I've been....um...'post-virginized'....TWICE now! Is that even a word? I'm making it a word. Right up there with 'Sweebo swabo', which is how I feel right now.
I got to see AJ totally naked this time too! Which was AWESOME! He's even more gorgeous than I thought he'd be! He's got at least six inches, maybe even a little bit bigger. And he doesn't have all that much hair at all, which is cool, because he's so smooth and soft, and I kinda like that. His penis has the cutest little curve to it when it's hard, and he smiled at me when he saw me looking at it. He can make it jump without using his hands! Hehehe, it was funny. We were kissing for a long time, just naked and wrapped up in all of this soft skin...it was such a cool feeling. Just....wherever you kiss or reach out with a hand, there's more flesh to touch and rub up against. His body is soooooo warm! You cuddle with him, and it's the most comfortable feeling in the world. He has this really squeezable ass too. When he was on top of me, I would grab it and pull his naked body against me so hard, I loved the feel of it. It was like a warm pillow. We kissed a lot, and he sucked me REALLY good today! He was all into it, and breathing hard, and moaning...it was mindblowing. And when I came, he swallowed it all and kissed the inside of my thighs until I came down from my high. I was, like, twitching and trying not to squirm the entire time, but it felt great! So then, I finally got my turn to give HIM a blowjob.
I think I did really good for my first time. I didn't worry about it being dirty or anything, I knew what I wanted, and it's sucking a dick has been a BIG fantasy of mine for soooo long now! After dreaming about it for so long, I couldn't wait to see what it would be like. So I just took him in my hand, licked my lips, and dove down on it. It takes a few seconds to get used to it. You don't want to suck him in too deeply or you gag, and you don't want to suck too hard or you rake your teeth on him. Hehehe, I think I knicked him a few times, because I felt him jump. But he didn't say anything. I just tried to be more careful. The taste was really cool too. It's like...just regular skin...but with this added 'bonus flavor', if that makes any sense. It's like, more heated, or something. Just slightly stronger than the taste you would get if you were sucking his thumb. And it's, like, really soft, and really hard, at the same time. And it pulses too! You can almost feel the blood rushing through it with your lips, and when you suck it really slow, it quivers against the surface of your tongue. It's like....wow. I was trying to really make it good for him, even though I was worried about doing something wrong. Once you get into it though, it's sooo good. It's like, a natural ability, you know? I just got into it instinctively, and I surprised myself at how good I was doing. AJ was wiggling and moaning out loud, and I just kept sucking. It was so HOT having him in my mouth! I didn't know if I was supposed to close my eyes or not, so I just kinda kept my eyes focused on his pubes while I was doing it. I didn't wanna just stare at him, because I thought it might come off as kinda...well...'creepy'. I don't know, whatever. Sometimes, the curve of his dick would rub up against the roof of my mouth, which was cool too, but I was trying to find a way to get even more of him inside. I took it out every now and then when my lips got tired, and I licked his balls for a while, and then his shaft, and I kissed his thighs too, just like he did mine...then went right back to work. Like I said, I just naturally knew what to do. It was like every wet dream I had ever had all rolled into one, and it all came so easy. I felt like an expert, and making AJ feel good was like the best feeling in the world. It...um...kinda hurts your neck after awhile though. It got to the point where I couldn't wait for him to cum already. I still feel a bit stiff in my shoulders and all from sucking for so long.
The one part I'll have to get used to, though, is trying to swallow. I figured...he did me, so I should do him too, right? And everything felt so good, so why not? I could kinda tell when he was ready, so I tried to prepare myself for the blast. But when he started shooting, it wasn't what I thought it would taste like. It was all....warm, and thick, and slippery..like eating a teaspoon of microwaved hand lotion or something. Honestly, I thought it would taste better. Sweeter, you know? You hear all of these stories where kids my age just love it and practically drink it by the gallon without flinching. But...I don't know...blecchh! I've had an easier time swallowing the stuff I coughed up from a bad chest cold! I guess I just have to get used to it. Right now, the closest I can come to explaining it is...eating somebody else's snot...with sugar on top.
Hahaha! Omigod! I CANNOT believe that I just wrote that!!! That's not flattering at ALL!
Anyway, there's a comfort in being in love with somebody, and actually having them there with you. It's like...having an 'answer', you know? To being alone, to being bored, to being unloved...unimportant...it's the one believable confirmation that you have in life that tells you, "Wow...you know, maybe I'm not such a loser after all." It allows me to stop worrying that I might be ugly, or stupid, or worthless...and all because there's someone here who actually wants to spend time with me. With ME. Sometimes I still doubt that any of this is real, but I'm gonna try to enjoy the fantasy while it lasts.
I've gotta run. I tried calling Joanna this morning to ask if she wanted to hang out earlier like I had planned...but she almost sounded like she didn't want me to go. She didn't come right out and say it, but it was pretty obvious that she didn't mind if I were to stay away today. At least that's how it felt from the way she said it. Women...they get weirder and weirder by the day. Anyway, I figure I'd try calling her tomorrow to make sure we were 'ok'. I hope I didn't screw something up somewhere. Later.
- My dad took me on a drive today. I think it was one of the strangest times we've ever spent together. I didn't know if I was really supposed to be paying attention to whatever it was he was rambling about, but half of it was totally lost on me. The other half, while somewhat decipherable, just came out as being sappy and forced. Maybe it was his way of trying to gain a few moments of 'male bonding' or something. But instead, it felt more like he was trying to sell me a used car with a bum engine. He basically drove us around in big urban circles and talked about 'back in the day' stuff that I hardly remembered, much less could comment on. And yet, he felt the need to keep me hostage in the car with awkward smiles and uncomfortable silences until he was through trying to talk to me. Like I said...strange.
I wonder if I'll ever reach an age where I'm so out of touch with...well..the rest of humanity. They say that us kids don't understand anything, but neither do adults. Not in our world. I'm sure he would feel just as lost and out of place in my high school as I would be trying to work in his office. In fact, he'd probably be one of the kids who got picked on and beaten up daily if he were to step in my shoes...for just one day And yet THEY'RE supposed to be the 'intelligent' ones, while us kids are supposed to be too stupid to know what we're talking about. Hmph..if you say so.
The young and the 'un-young'...it's a wonder the two species get along as well and for as long as we have.
OH! I talked to Brandon on the phone tonight, and as usual, I had a blast! And it wasn't one of those, 'God, he's so cute, I wish I could kiss him' nights either. This was just a comforting, random, conversation that lasted for an hour and a half for no reason at all. Just the two of us chatting, with hardly a break in the conversation. Brandon can be extremely funny when he wants to be! It's a side of him you wouldn't normally see on your average school day. Nobody does. He used to be so shy and quiet. I can't tell you how awesome it is to be one of the only people he truly opens up to. It makes me feel special, you know? Anyway, we traded some really bad dirty jokes for a while, and my mom overheard one of my punch lines. Yeesh! Luckily she didn't get mad, just told me to watch the language. But the joke really doesn't work unless I use the word 'pussy' at the end! Hehehe!
OH! And Brandon does the voices from 'Family Guy' REALLY good! So we were quoting the show back and forth, until we nearly fell over breathless from laughing so hard! God....I just...sighhhh...I love Brandon. A LOT, you know? He's so....amazing.
I also took a chance to ask him about Bobby Jinette, and what that was all about. I just wanted to know. So Brandon says, "Bobby? Oh, he's cool. I dunno, he just started talking to me one day, and he was kinda nice, so we talked."
Kinda nice? What does THAT mean? I tried not to sound jealous or anything (Because I'm totally NOT!) So I asked him, "Ohhhh, so he's your new boyfriend, huh?" But I was totally joking around.
Well Brandon was quiet a second and said, "No." Just like that. 'No'...without a smile or anything. I hope I didn't offend him or anything. I didn't mean to insinuate anything. Or...maybe I did. Who knows? Sometimes I think about Bobby and Brandon being...like..a couple or something. And it bothers me. It really bothers me. I still think about Bobby looking at his ass, and my stomach twists up into a knot. I just....sighhh....ok, I'll write this here. Just ONE time, and ONE time only! Because it's the honest truth!
I think Brandon would be the ultimate boyfriend for me.
There, I said it. Ok? That's the last time I'm ever gonna write that particular comment down anywhere. So...yeah, whatever. I don't know why that idea has been floating around in the back of my head for so long, but it's always kinda been there. You know? Even though Simon was my first attempt at doing anything about my feelings, even though Joanna is great and I can be with her out in the open, even though my feelings for Sam come and go as they please depending on how we get along, even though AJ is sweet and sexy and actually loves me back as much as I love him, and even though Jamie Cross is still probably the greatest and most orgasmic fantasy of my entire life......even with ALL of that...Brandon is just...so much more 'perfect' for me. He's funny and cool and we talk all the time. And he's...like...more than just cute. You know? He's 'real'. He has different emotions and different things to talk about, and this offbeat perspective on a lot of things. He compliments everything about me. If I had to choose my next boyfriend...I'd choose Brandon. I really would. Ok, so there's my confession. No more! Promise!
Anyway, I don't want Bobby to have him. I don't want anybody to have him. Not ever. Besides, if it turns out he likes boys...I'll be kicking myself from here to eternity! So...I kinda devised a plan to maybe write an email to Bobby online. Just to...you know...deter him away from maybe talking to Brandon so much. God...that sounds so 'soap opera'. But it's gotta be done. Maybe tomorrow. We'll see.
I tried to call Sam today too, but his mom said he was out with some girl If you're thinking, "What? Some girl?"....then you'd be matching my thoughts exactly.
Does Sam have a new girlfriend or something? I haven't even seen him talking to any girls lately. Maybe THAT'S why he's been so weird lately. He's hiding some new crush from me. Well that makes a hell of a lot more sense than 'we just don't click anymore'. It's almost comforting to know that there is an actual source of our problem. Maybe I'll get the chance to talk to him about it tomorrow. That would be cool, me and Joanna, and Sam and his new infatuation, double dating out at the movies or something. Sweet!
- Fuck! Why is it that every once in a while, fate decides to send you the day from hell? I HATE that! Arrrrgh!!!
I had thoughts about seeing Jimmy again today. Even after his apparent cold shoulder to me, I didn't want to be heartless to the poor kid. Not when he needed me most. But my heart wouldn't let me go. I just wanted to stay away, and hope that he'd come to his senses eventually. Maybe that's wishful thinking, but I figured I'd stay away from him for just a few more days. I don't want to get wrapped up in all that misery right now. I've got enough of my own to deal with.
The rest of my day? Pure excrement. I kinda hinted around Sam about him maybe having a new girlfriend. I didn't wanna come right out and say that I knew or anything, but I certainly encouraged some conversation about it Well, Sam wasn't biting today. He just shrugged his shoulders and talked around the subject. Even at lunch time he pretty much ignored my every attempt to find out about it. But I can tell when he's keeping a secret. And he's doing it again. I've gotta find someway to get him to at least TALK to me. We used to share stuff like this! I told him about Joanna before I told anybody else. So why is he being all 'cloak and dagger' about this whole thing? Grrr!
I was looking forward to talking to Brandon in the library today, but guess what? Bobby asked him to help him with his Physics homework! Can you fucking BELIEVE that?!?!?! They were on the other side of the library, and Brandon kinda smiled at me when I walked in, but Bobby ended up taking up his whole damn period in there. They looked awfully 'cozy' in their little corner, talking about this and that. Getting all close to read the same stuff on the same page of the same book. Alright...this time I was jealous. Fuck you, I wanted Brandon WAY before Bobby Jinette came along, and now he's running off with him. Unless of course they were a couple already........NO! I won't believe that! Brandon would never go for Bobby Jinette. NEVER! Are you crazy? Bobby's too....he's too...well, he's not ME! That much I know. I've gotta write him that email. I started composing it in my head this afternoon, but I need to actually send it to him and get his mind off of my pretty boy for a while. We'll see how this all plays out in the end.
And THEN, as if life didn't fucking suck enough...Simon tells me today that he doesn't know what he did wrong, but he doesn't want to be friends with me anymore. That's just how he put it. He thinks I hate him. I DON'T hate him! Jesus, does he think I'm some kind of evil snob with nothing better to do than put myself above everybody else's feelings? Doesn't want to be my friend anymore? What the fuck does THAT mean? I guess I have been paying him a little less attention than usual. But it's not like I was purposely brushing him off! I wish HE could read this damn book and see all of the shit I've been dealing with every single day of my life since we last talked! With Joanna, and Sam, and my parents, and AJ, and Lee, and Brandon, and Bobby, and Missy's bowling party, and sex, and Jimmy, and school, and homework...FUCK....I didn't do it on fucking PURPOSE!!! Does he have any IDEA how much I do every damn day of my life? And he wants to suddenly show up and lay this big guilt trip on me for not stretching myself even further than I already do? That's SO not cool!
I didn't know what to say to that, so I figure...whatever. Let him go. Fuck him. He was always trying to find some oddball reason to not like me anyway. It's like he was constantly trying to be mad at me or something. Ever since that day at the house when I tried to do it with him, he's been pulling away from me. And he tells me that I'M the asshole? He doesn't want to spend time with me or anything...and I'M the asshole. Well...so long then. I will be just fine without him. I don't care. I really don't. We could have been fine if he'd just accept me for who I am.
Anyway, I'm done ranting right now. I just want to force myself to sleep and have this day be over. That's all. So I'm gonna end this riiiiiiight....