Wednesday

- I feel so damn WEIRD right now!

Not in a good way, either. Or even a way that I can fully grasp until I take a day or two to think about it, you know?

I just got off the phone with Trace a few minutes ago, and despite a few whiney problems of my own that I was trying to deal with today, I found myself being really worried about him and what he was doing to himself. I was nearly convinced that Trace was on the road towards a better life until I picked up that phone tonight. I mean, I totally SUCK, you know?

It's sad, but it's true. I was all set to find some quality time to hang out with him and be a true friend to make sure that him and Mikey were doing ok with the readjustment to life with his dad and stuff. I wanted to take him out for a good time and get him to smile. I know he missed my dad and stuff, but I was more than willing to lead him towards a local adventure like he did for me at the bowling alley, or the Aquarium, or any number of times since we've been friends! I wanted to do the kind of awesome things for him that he did for Simon! Hell...the things he did for ME!

But I dropped the ball, I suppose.

I got wrapped up in my own stupid life problems, and I totally let him down.

I was all worried about Jimmy's feelings, and talking to Sam, and going to work at the mall four days a week, and listening to Robin's problems with missing AJ, and dealing with my Mom and her knowing that I was gay, and trying to talk to Brandon when he was suspiciously 'unavailable', and watching the house while Mr. Phillips was here, and getting ready for Ian's movie because he wanted me to be a part of it sooooo badly....I was wearing myself soooooo thin trying to juggle, like, a billion things at once...and I somehow made Trace number 'a billion and one'. And I shouldn't have done that.

That's not fair, is it? Am I an asshole?

Trace has been such a good friend to me. I haven't even known him a whole year yet, but he's done more for me than most in terms of just helping me grow and evolve into the person I am today. I could have at least made an effort to add him to the list of things that I've had to do over the last few days. Be a friend. Instead...all I cared about was my own personal garbage. He needed me and I feel. It's Jimmy's 'accident' all over again. I thought I was outgrowing that kind of selfish thinking.

I know that I have my hands full at the moment, but I just need to try just a little bit harder! I should make time for Trace in my life. I care about him soooo much, you know? To the point where I almost wish that it had been him that had kissed me in the dark on my birthday! Hehehe, you know...instead of Sam. Because Sam's AMAZING...but he's not sexually switching teams any time soon, no matter how friggin' awesome it would be if he did!

God, it's crazy how our earliest dreams of the perfect boy work when it comes to our very first boyhood crush.

UGH! SAM!!! Why can't you just be GAY??? Life would be so easy for the both of us if you were gay!

Anyway, let me push that all aside to talk more about what happened!

So, Trace calls me up on his cell phone not long ago, and he's giggling and happy and stuff, but in this really weird way. Like, I can totally tell that he had been drinking alcohol tonight! A lot of it. He's pretty drunk and slurring his words and giving me sloppy giggles the entire time that he's on the phone, so I ask him what's up? Like...why is he acting like this?

Trace is like, "You know what I found in the lower cabinet next to the sink this morning, Billy? Huh? Guess!" He snickered to himself a little bit, and then he's like, "I found a BIG old bottle of knockoff whiskey! Hehehe, crazy right?"

I was a bit confused at first. I was like, "Trace...where did you get a bottle of whiskey from?"

But he just says, "It's not MY bottle of whiskey, silly! Hehehe!" His voice seemed to dip down into a lower octave right after that. Almost in a sad way. But he smiled anyway and said, just above a whisper..."My dad's got himself a new private stash. Hehehe, yeah...he thought he was hiding it from me, but I FOUND it! Yep, I found his dirty little secret and I totally raided his shit this afternoon!"

I don't know why, but I felt so...disappointed when I heard that. You know? But I don't know if it was more of a disappointment in Trace's dad for going back to his drinking so soon after he promised he'd straighten up...or more disappointed at Trace for how he handled the discovery of it. The first words out of my mouth to him were like, "Trace...come on, man. What are you doing?"

He's like, "What? What'd I do?"

I told him, "I thought you were past this whole thing. Drinking's not good for you."

He says, "Drinking's not good for anybody, hehehe! But there are whole shrines dedicated to the sale of liquor anyway. Hehehe, I'm probably going to pass three more of them on the way home. Watch, I'm gonna count 'em off when I walk past..."

Feeling a little uneasy about him walking the streets at night in this condition, especially since he was doing it alone, I sighed and asked him, "Do you need me to come and get you, dude?"

He laughed quietly to himself, saying, "Pppbbbtttsshh...fuck no! I'm totally fine! Hehehe!"

I'm like, "Where are you?"

He says, "I'm on my way home. That's all you need to know." He belched out loud, and sounded like he was stumbling slightly over his own feet. Then he's like, "You worry too much."

I said, "You can't keep doing this to yourself, Trace. Are you kidding me? What is this? Where's Mikey?"

Trace paused for a moment, and he sounded like he was leaning against a streetlight or something as he waited for traffic to pass. Then he's like, "Mikey? Mikey was almost ready for his bath when I left. He's...he's probably asleep by now."

I'm like, "Probably? Is that how you're going to treat Mikey now? He's probably asleep?" I was hoping that mentioning his duty to his little brother would be enough to shame him into standing up straight and getting back to the house so he could sleep it off.

Lord knows that I want him completely sober and lucid when I give him both barrels for doing this to himself!

Trace giggled to himself, mumbling, "Hehehe, omigod...you have NO idea how much you sound like your dad right now, Billy! Hahahaha!" Then...the laughter died down pretty quickly, and nearly turned to tears as he sniffled, "I missed that. I miss that so much." Soon adding, "Is it crazy that I miss your dad more than I miss mine? That seems crazy to me. So crazy..."

He was silent for a few uncomfortable moments, and I was like, "...Trace?"

With a bit of a teary eyed whimper, Trace sobbed, "I don't wanna BE here, Billy! He promised us that he'd stop. He looked me right in the eye and told me that he'd be better. For us. I don't know why I care anymore. It's so....fucking useless for me to care anymore." My heart broke in half, hearing Trace break down the way he was. I didn't know what to say. Or if I should say anything at all. Sometimes...it's best to just listen, I guess.

At that moment, my phone beeped, and I looked to see that I had an incoming call from Brandon. I really REALLY wanted to talk to Brandon! I really wanted to reconnect with him and make plans for us to get together again soon. But....

But...

Trace sounded as if he had been hurt to his very core. He was leaning up against some random streetlight in the middle of God knows where, heavily intoxicated, all by himself, and nearly on the verge of tears. And even though it hurt me to not be able to jump at the chance to talk to my sweetheart in real time at long last...I was like, "Trace? I need you to get home, ok? Just...get yourself home, safe and sound. Stay on the phone with me until you get there. Alright?"

Trace sniffled again, and he's all like, "You don't have to do that. Fuck, I'm sorry, this is so STUPID right now! I'm being a fucking sissy right now. Look, I'm gonna hang up, ok?"

I'm like, "Don't hang up. Otherwise I'm just going to keep hitting redial until you have an even bigger headache than the one you can expect when you wake up from your alcohol binge tomorrow morning."

I'm glad it made him smile. I could hear it in his voice, tears and all. Then he says, "I didn't even drink that much alcohol, to be honest. Hehehe, it was the weed I got at a friend's house that fucked me up more than anything! Hehehe!"

With an audible gasp, I said, "WEED??? You...you mean, like...marijuana?"

And Trace is like, "Oh, no way! We just sat in a teepee and set a batch of dandelions on fire! Hehehehe! Of COURSE I mean marijuana!" Then he hushed his own voice, like, "Shit...I just said that really loud. Hehehe! You're gonna get me busted, dude!"

I said, "I didn't know you...did that..." It still kinda shocked me. I don't know why, considering that MOST of the stuff that Trace does is borderline illegal anyway! But...I don't know...this one surprised me. Up until tonight, I don't think I've ever really even SAID the word marijuana out loud to another person before without it being a joke...or the rap lyrics to the latest Dr. Dre/Snoop Dogg collaboration.

Trace was like, "Who me? Oh hell yeah! I'm strictly '420', baby! Hehehe, you should try it some time! You'd love it!"

I'm like, "I don't think so." Then, trying to keep him walking towards home, I asked, "How far away are you from your house?"

He said, "I dunno. Not too close. Not too far." Then he's like, "Just hang up the phone, Billy! Honestly, I'm fine."

I told him that I wasn't hanging up until he was home. I refused. Even with a blinking voicemail from Brandon on my phone. A message that I was almost DESPERATE to retrieve and dive right into what he said! I was almost shivering with anticipation at this point. God, I missed my Brandon sooooo much! I just...I wanted to hear his voice! I wanted to kiss his lips! I missed him. Seriously MISSED him! You know?

But...whatever. He can wait, I guess.

Right now, Trace needed a friend. My life can wait for a while.

You know what really sucked about it all? When he was walking home, I asked him why he decided to go off and get shitfaced today. And you know what he told me? He said, "Well...you were at work today and stuff. And Simon is being super depressing right now. I mean, what else was there to do today? Right? I was just wandering around the house all by myself doing nothing. Everybody was too busy being awesome to care, so...you know...whatever."

That triggered something in me. Because, as much as I hate to admit it...that's exactly what I was doing today. I didn't spend a split second thinking about Trace's life today. Or yesterday. Or the day before. If it wasn't something that benefited me directly...I didn't pay any attention at all. I honestly felt bad about that.

I'm like, "I'm sorry, dude. You could have just called me up and talked to me, you know? It's not like you don't know where to find me. I know that I get overwhelmed with stuff sometimes, but it's not like I'd ever turn my back on you if you really needed me, Trace. We're buds, man! I'd never forget that or take it for granted, ok?"

To my surprise, he asked, "You promise?"

And, without hesitation, I answered, "Of course, I promise! Get outta here!"

He sniffled a bit, and he said, "Thanks, Billy. Honestly, I think that's the first time anybody has told me that. Like...ever. So...just sayin'." I was going to answer him, but he suddenly interrupted me with, "Ok. I'm putting my key in the back door right now. Gotta hang up. I know I'm going to be in deep shit for stealing my dad's stash, but I'll deal with it tomorrow. Thanks for, like...'walking me home', Billy! Hehehe, you're such a fucking gentleman."

I said, "S'ok. Just wanted to make sure you were safe."

He says to me, "I don't say it nearly enough, but...thanks for being a friend, Billy. There was a time when I had convinced myself I could make it through my entire life without needing people like you to 'carry' me...but for what it's worth...I'm glad you're around. It gives me...hope. Whatever. Forget that I said anything. Just...shut up and get off the phone before you get me in trouble."

Not drawing any further attention to Trace's sentimental confession of companionship...I simply smiled and took the compliment for what it was, telling him, "Call me tomorrow when you wake up, ok? Just to ease my mind, ok?"

He grinned and whispered, "It'll be the first thing on my mind when I open my eyes. K?" Then, after a little bit of shuffling, I heard a bedroom door creaking open. Trace walked in, and I heard the sound of a brotherly kiss landing on Mikey's forehead as Trace told me, "He's ok. Sleeping like the prankster little puppy he is. Hehehe! Don't want to wake him, or I'll never get him to settle down again."

I said, "Ok. Well...get some sleep, Trace. Ok? Just...be careful, k?"

He grinned and said, "420, Baby! Totally 420!" I had to hush him up, but his giggles could be infectious sometimes.

I'm like, "Go to BED! What the hell, man! Hahaha!"

And he says...I kid you not...."Love you lots, Billy Chase. Don't ever change, dude."

When I clicked off...I instantly checked my phone and saw a message from Brandon that simply said, "I tried to call earlier. Sorry, that I missed you. I'm also sorry about missing you on Monday. I really do want to see you soon. Everything about having you in my life is poetry in motion. Even when I'm not close enough to touch you, I'm thinking about you to the point of obsession. I just hope you know that. K? You're the best thing that has ever happened to me." Followed by the words, "I love you, Billy. Please love me too..."

Awwwwwwwwwwwww! FUCK!!! I could have been talking to my baby and smiling and laughing and having flirtatious, near orgasmic, 'voice-sex', with the PRETTIEST boy in school! Even when we're OUT of school! Hehehe! Instead I was stuck trying to b a superhero again! Trying to just....UGH....

No. That's not the right attitude to have about this. I did a good thing tonight. A GOOD thing! And I'm proud that I was able to make sure that Trace got home. I'm even proud that I tried to get Jimmy and Robin together yesterday at the store. I'm just...I want to be happy too. But that doesn't mean that I'm going to stop doing what I feel is the best thing to do. I've been through some dark times in the past...I strive to be better. At least, I think I do. So...I'll tell Brandon that I love him and I want to talk as soon as I finish writing this entry. I just hope that Brandon and I can pick up where we left off once he reads it.

The LAST thing that I would ever want to do is make the love of my life...number 'one billion and one'. :(

Sometimes...life doesn't play fair...

Seeya soon.

- Billy

(Missing my baby, Brandon, like CRAZY right now!!!)