Tuesday

- You know...sometimes you do things that you probably shouldn't have done, and life uses the opportunity to teach you a lesson. Sometimes it's a hard lesson.

But I don't know what to do about any of this. It's all so senseless! I thought I was getting better at this 'maturity' stuff. Every time I feel like I'm learning how to play life's little 'game'...life changes the rules on me. It throws a monkey wrench in the gears, rains on my parade, or takes the wind out of my sails...and then it's like, 'what now?'

I don't know what now. I really don't.

I did have to go to work today, but I wasn't really bummed about it. At least it wasn't Monday morning. Robin was working today but...well, I didn't really talk to him much. Not that I was mean or rude to him...it wasn't like that at all. Just...I'm soooo frustrated that he's even considering talking to AJ again. I feel like he demeans gay teens in general by setting his standards so low just for a hard dick and a smile. Whatever respect I had gained for Robin from watching him tell that slutty piece of no good trash to take a hike...it was all gone now. All of it.

I think it was mostly because I can look at how he's acting, just because AJ is hot...and I can now see how GOOFY I was back when I was AJ's pet project. Following him around like a lost puppy, drooling over his every word, caving in at the sight of his smile. I gave my virginity to that loser, and I'll never get it back. Never. I HATE him for that! And I hate myself for willingly being a part of it.

I've got to stop writing about this. I'm getting myself all worked up again.

Anyway, so Robin kinda knew that I was still sort of looking at him sideways for talking to AJ, and I couldn't really tell if he didn't talk to me because he was being defiant about his feelings...or if he was just ashamed. I hope it's the latter. Because as long as AJ has boys like Robin to exploit and toss in the gutter when he's finished...then he wins. Boys like him will always win. Even worse...they'll multiply. Preying on boy's hearts for generations to come.

I remember talking to Ollie just before my lunch break, and he was like, "How can you look somebody in the face after he cheated on you? Deliberately. And repeatedly, I might add."

I was a little too quick to say, "I don't fucking know, dude. Pisses me off..." Then I remembered that I might want to turn down the volume on my own righteousness, as Brandon has to look me in the face all the time. Can't say that I'm proud of that.

Ollie was like, "I remember when Greg and I first started dating. I was sooooo helplessly in love with that boy, you know? But no matter how cute somebody is, no matter how special...sometimes you've got to guard a small piece of your heart. Keep it for yourself. At least until you know who you're dealing with and what they're capable of. It's so easy to get blinded by emotion."

I'm like, "It's not even emotion, Ollie. He's just all hot and bothered for a cute boy that he knows he can get naughty with. He's just pretending to have feelings for him so he won't have to wait for something more worth his time."

Ollie smiled, like, "Well, you'd be surprised how closely 'hot and bothered' and blossoming feelings of love are related when it's what you're desperately searching for." Then he says, "Robin's probably tempted by the idea, and...to be honest, he may end up making a mistake or two that he'll probably regret later. But I know boys like AJ, and they never change. Robin will figure that out soon enough. Even if he has to do it the hard way."

Surprised, and maybe even a little appalled, I said, "You're just going to let him go through with this? You're gonna let him get his heart broken all over again?"

Ollie says, "We don't own the poor kid, Billy. We talk to him, advise him, maybe even yell at him if we have to...but all we can do is provide a bit of influence. The rest is up to Robin to figure out. If you go over there trying to boss him around like some sort of bully, he's gonna end up doing the exact opposite just to piss you off. Trust me...he needs a friend, not a tyrant."

I'm like, "I can't believe you're being so soft on this. I almost want to chain him to a wall somewhere to keep him from going back to that piece of shit."

Ollie raised an eyebrow. He's like, "It's easy for us to sit back and judge his decisions from a distance, but his life choices might be a lot more complicated than we know. If he shouted that it's none of our business...he wouldn't be wrong." Then we both looked out at Robin putting away some Bluray discs on the shelf, and he's like, "He's feeling lost in a vacuum right now, but I think Robin is going to be a lot smarter this time around. Give him some credit. At best, he'll doubt himself, him and AJ will fool around a few more times, and Robin will wake up and remember how empty that weird situation was to begin with. He'll have a better feel for working things out now."

I was all like, "Ugh! I HATE to think that AJ would get so much as a single kiss from him. Robin needs to get away from that guy. Like, for good. He deserves so much better. That's not even a real relationship."

Ollie asked, "What would Robin have to compare it to?" I guess he had a point there. A small one.

I didn't have any clue as to how the whole boyfriend thing worked when I was 'dating' AJ either. And I use the term 'dating' loosely. I'm like, "It just makes me angry, that's all. It truly upsets me in every possible way."

With that, Ollie said, "You know...my uncle is a therapist, and he was always helping me through some of the hard times when I was younger. But when it comes to something like this Robin and AJ situation, he said something that kind of stuck with me. He said that it's not up to us to determine someone else's happiness, or to assume that we know what's best for them. We only know what would be best for ourselves."

I'm like, "And that means...?"

He says, "Well...when it comes to helping other people...are you going to be happy because you're doing it for them...or are you going to be angry because you're really doing it for yourself and they're not 'playing along' the way you want them to? If you're that angry about his potential mistakes...then maybe you need to look in the mirror and see if maybe you've got some issues of your own to work out."

I'm like, "No. That's not it. I'm looking out for him. Seriously. I'm just bothered by the fact that he won't listen to me..."

He's like, "...And do it your way? Hehehe, yeah. I get it. Trust me." Then he's like, "But...as I said, 'hot and bothered' can easily pass for an entirely different emotion when the motivation is strong enough. You can't argue with emotions, Billy. They never fight fair."

...And then he's like, "Billy, it's for you. Sounds urgent."

Urgent? What does he mean, urgent? I walked behind the counter and picked up one of the other phones away from the other customers' earshot. I was really surprised to hear Sam's voice on the other end of the line.

He's like, "Billy! Dude! Have you heard anything from Jimmy today??? Check your messages or something! What's going on?"

I'm like, "Check my messages? For what? I doubt Jimmy's even talking to me right now."

I'm like, "We had a bit of a 'fight', that's all. He wouldn't leave me alone. He was seriously harassing me and I told him to fuck off!"

Sam seemed to freak out at the sound of that, saying, "Noooooo!!! Omigod, what did you say?" When I asked him what was going on, Sam told me, "Jimmy's in the hospital, Billy. Like...right now!"

I can remember the feeling of my heart shrinking to the size of a grape and suddenly being submerged in a bowl of ice water at the mere thought of it. I was speechless for a moment, but managed to ask, "What...what happened...?"

Sam, sounding worried, said, "I don't KNOW what happened! I barely got that much out of his mom before I lost the signal. She hasn't answered since. I mean...you don't think he did something stupid again, do you?"

I was almost embarrassed to say that I couldn't say for sure.

What if...

What if my comments to Jimmy drove him to hurt himself again? I know that I was angry, and supremely fed up with Jimmy's bullshit...but, thinking back to that awful nightmare I had a few weeks back, I had to wonder...what if I'm the catalyst for Jimmy LaPlane's ultimate destruction? What if *I'M* the guy who drove him towards committing suicide? How could I live with myself from here on...knowing that I created the toxic atmosphere for Jimmy to...to...

...KILL himself?

I can't believe it. I can't believe that I said it. Even if it was just in my own head.

Sam told me that he was going to go by the hospital and visit Jimmy, first thing in the morning, and that he'd tell me what the deal was. But...it wasn't enough for me. I asked him, "Can I come too?" I don't know why I asked, but...if my presence could 'help' in any way...you know, if this is what I THINK it is...then I wanted to be there. It would be an insult if I wasn't.

Initially, Sam was like, "I don't know, Billy...are you sure that's a good idea?"

And he was right to assume that I was the cause of all of this, but I stood my ground, and I told him, "Just let me know when you're going, and I'll be there. K?"

Sam agreed and hung up the phone, but I spent the rest of my work day, and most of my evening, thinking back to the awful things I said to Jimmy yesterday, and regretting every last word of it. I thought about how reckless I was with his broken heart, and how careless I was with his true feelings about me. About us. As angry as I was last night....it hardly seemed fair for me to hit below the belt like that. I should have tried to be a bit more understanding.

I am the one who invited Jimmy into my bed in the first place, right?

Anyway, plans have been made...and we're going to see Jimmy in the hospital tomorrow morning. As a united front, hopefully. With Sam by my side, this might be easier to pull off. But who's to say that the whole conflict will end there? No one.

No one.

I'm just going to cross my fingers and hope for the best. It's the only choice I have, right? Jimmy may have provoked me, but I should have been a better man about this. I flew off the handle, and now...look what I might have done...

I'm just gonna end this here. I don't feel like writing any more tonight. I really do hope Jimmy is ok. I didn't mean for any of this to happen. I swear.

So...you know...what now?

Seezya soon.

- Billy