- I don't know why I should feel bad, or why I should feel anything at all for that matter, but I saw Simon at school today and it kinda...hurt. I don't get it. I mean, HE'S the fucking JERK who decided to say some wicked shit to me about not being friends anymore! Why the hell do *I* feel like shit? He's the one who should be feeling hurt. I talked to him, I invited over to my house, I was his friend when nobody else would pay him any attention at all. And suddenly all of this gets 'forgotten' the second he doesn't get his way? Well, I should be brushing the little bastard off of my shoulders and going on with my life. But I can't. And it hurts to think he could just toss me aside so easily. Without even a second thought about it. I see him in the halls, and it both enrages and depresses me to have him look at me like that and just turn his fucking back on me. I was literally an impulse away from running over there and slugging him in the gut just for being a dick! I can't believe I'm even letting this get to me. Whatever. Psh! Good riddens.
I also kinda feel guilty about not going to see Jimmy yet again today. Or at least calling to let him know that I'm not mad at him. I should really go. I think I'll go this weekend. I'm not gonna pull a 'Simon' and get all self righteous as though I've never made a single mistake in our friendship. Short as Jimmy and my friendship may be. Besides...despite me being worried that Jimmy is still going to kill himself once he's been freed from the hospital, I still care about him. I still want him to be alright. Please let Jimmy be alright. Please God. I know his life hasn't necessarily been the best. But he doesn't deserve to die for it. He just needs someone sincere to stand by him and prove that he gives a damn. To not abuse and abandon him. Someone to just....give as much as they take, you know? That's all. Anyway...I'll make plans to visit. It's written right here where I'll remember.
Sam and I were kinda planning to go to the Hill today after school, but we didn't go. I guess his grades are slipping a little bit in math, and he needed Joanna's notes at lunch today to keep up. She seemed to explain it in a way that he could grasp pretty easily, so they ended up going to the library to study instead. It figures, me losing out on the little bit of fun that I was going to have today. But..ah well...there's always tomorrow. Besides, if Sam's grades get TOO low, then he gets grounded and I don't get to see him anyway. So I'd rather miss one day than a week or two
I tried calling AJ tonight while my dad was out and my mom was asleep on the couch. I just really wanted to hear his voice tonight. I didn't get through though. I think he was online or something and just not answering the phone. I thought about getting online too to see if he could talk...but I guess he would have picked up the phone if he could. It was a little disappointing, but...it's just me really wanting to see him again. Taste him again. Just hearing him smile over the phone gets me hard as a rock, and my body was craving his special brand of excitement tonight. Ah well, whatever.
Looking back over this entry, today was a pretty lame day if I do say so myself. Hehehe! Geez! This entry should be scribbled out and replaced with a drawing of a clown riding horseback or something! What a waste of a day!
I'm out! Seeya later!
- SWEET! I got through to AJ today while trying to call him as soon as I got home from school! He came home and answered the phone in that really cute 'I love you' tone of voice! You know? So...he said he really wanted to see me bad! So I tell him that I could always try to ride my bike over there, and he's all like "Hurry up, ok? My mom went out for a while and I don't know when she'll be back." Which of course means...'I can't wait to have more sex with you Billy!' And I'm ALWAYS up for that! So I jump on my bike and try to get over there as fast as I can.
I was barely in the door before he dragged me upstairs and we started getting naked again. We hardly exchanged a word between us, and it was kinda cool, you know? I kinda get a rush out of just being able to see a cute boy and tongue kiss him without having to convince him into it. I love the idea of a hottie like AJ being so hot for me that he can't help himself around me and is in such a hurry to get me sucked deep into his mouth again. I'm telling you...we were so 'hungry' for each other today. We weren't really rushing, but it got to a point where we were sorta wrestling and rolling around while we were kissing all hard and stuff. He must have wanted me really bad today. My whole body is just loose and relaxed from it. We had a 69 today too, which was really awesome. Kinda weird though, because you don't know if you're supposed to be concentrating on sucking the meat in front of you, making it feel as awesome as humanly possible while enjoying the taste of it sliding in and out of your mouth....OR...if you're supposed to enjoy the intense feeling of a hot wet mouth wrapped around your pole below, every tickle and swipe of his slick tongue causing your legs to kick and squirm helplessly while trying desperately not to cum too quickly. You just have to kinda go back and forth between the sensations and hope you're doing it right I guess. I liked it best when he was on top of me, and his balls kinda hang right over my nostrils, and he smells sooooo good right there. And his sack is really soft, like silk. And then, I get to grab his ass cheeks too, and pull him further down into my face. That was SUPER hot! My mouth was watering so much! God, I love him!
There was one thing that kinda went...well...I don't want to say 'wrong' really...but things got different. I had already cum twice, and he had cum once (Don't worry, I didn't swallow this one) and we were kinda wrapping our legs around each other and just laying there. I Frenched him on the mouth, and he got really into it, and he was holding me really close and breathing hard...and then he whispers, "I wanna fuck you, Billy." Which...um...ok...I don't know how. Well, I mean...all I have to do is bend over and sorta...ummm...well, like, I know it's supposed to fit inside me, right? And I like...just have to 'take' it? I dunno. I got really scared, because I didn't know if he was going to hurt me or not. I mean.it HURTS, right? It should. It looks uncomfortable. I'm pretty sure that AJ wasn't planning to go all 'prison rape' on me...but still..ouch.
So....like a dummy I hesitated. I told him, "I don't know. I've never done that before."
"Sweet! Me either! We'll be each other's first!" He tells me. And he seems really excited about it, and I really HATED that I couldn't just say yes and rollover on my stomach without flinching. But...it didn't go like that. "I love you, Billy." He whispered that in my ear, and started kissing me again and....I REALLY REALLY wanted to do it...you know, for him? But...when he started letting his finger go back there and it touched my hole, all I could think of doing was clenching up and trying to stop him. It was like my body was doing it all on its own. But he kept kissing me, and eventually I had to kinda roll away from him, and he looked kinda...disappointed or something.
He said his mom was coming home soon, and I don't know if that was the truth or not. To be honest, I'm starting to think that he just wanted me to go. But I told him I REALLY loved him, I just...wanted to wait a little bit. Then, when I was getting my clothes back on and he was kinda quiet, I told him, "Maybe on Saturday. Ok? I just don't wanna get caught by your mom." And he started smiling again. I don't know why I said that, it just kinda came out. Sighhh...so now it looks like I have until Saturday to figure out how to let somebody shove something big and hard up my ass repeatedly while I try very hard not to cry out in agony! I guess I should have prepared more for this part of the whole 'boy sex' thing.
This isn't really something I can ask my parents about. Hahaha! Sure, I can just see it now! "Mom, has dad ever had butt sex with you? And, if so, did it hurt?" Jesus! Not even on a DARE would I bring that up! It's not necessarily a question for the school nurse, my gym coach, or my health teacher, either. So I'm just kinda left out here to dangle with this question of mine. I guess I won't know until I try. But....what if we...you know...'get started'....and it hurts soooo much that I have to tell him to stop? I mean...is AJ gonna hate me for cutting him off? He'll think I'm a total baby. Argh! I've gotta get online and see if I can find some faceless stranger to ask about this. There's gotta be a message board or something out there that won't totally laugh at me for asking. I'll seek one out tomorrow.
Anyway, even after all this sex and stuff...I'm still just a stupid virgin after all. This sucks. I'm going to bed.
- You wanna know something funny? I think I'm in love with Aaron Carter. That is so gay! Hehehe! I saw a music video with him in it today, and...God...I just want to eat that boy ALIVE sometimes! I can't imagine what it would be like to have sex with him. He'd probably touch me one time and 'SPLASH'!!! I'd blow before I even got my clothes off! So yeah...Aaron Carter. Don't bother talking me out of it, I've jacked off to him twice already today.
Speaking of which, I was in the shower after school today, which my mom thought was really weird for me to be doing, but it was an experiment. See..I was wondering if maybe I should...like...practice for AJ this weekend. Just to see what it feels like. And maybe by Saturday, I'll be so loosened up and all, that he'll be able to slide right in and screw me with no problems. So...I tried it. I got my hands really soapy and slippery, and I bent my knees a little bit to sorta hunch over, ya know? It's hard to stand like that for any length of time, by the way. I had to put a hand out to keep my balance, and I kinda got my crack nice and warm and wet. God, I couldn't help but look around with some sense of nasty paranoia, you know? It just felt like somebody was watching me on camera or something. I'm in the shower all by myself, and I'm blushing while trying to get my finger in my own ass. There's gotta be a dork trophy out there for something like this. Anyway, I put my finger up to the hole, and push really gently. But it didn't go in. It's like...way too small and tight, even for a finger. Is everybody's asshole this tight? I mean, I was starting to think that it had purposely sealed itself shut or something. But I kept trying, and I pushed a little harder and tried to relax and push and push....and then...my finger sorta 'popped' in all of the sudden. I could feel this 'pressure' on my hole, and it just kinda opened up and let my finger go in. You know....it didn't feel too bad at all. In fact, it felt really good after a few minutes. I thought about it being kinda dirty and all, but I'm in the shower, so...whatever, right? I pushed my middle finger in all the way as far as it can go, and wiggled it around a bit, and that's when it felt REALLY good! And I let it go in and out a little bit. It stings, but just a little bit. I was sooooo hard! I don't think my penis has ever been that hard before in my life!
So...this is what it feels like to get fucked? Wow! In that case, I can't WAIT! I was worried about all this for nothing.
Unfortunately, I couldn't jack off and hold myself up at the same time. So I had to take my finger out and masturbate that way. I came all OVER the place! That was INTENSE! I'm gonna try that again! If I knew it was going to feel this good, I would have made it a habit to take five showers a day.
Joanna and Sam had a strange lunch today, where they were hardly talking to each other at all. Knowing Sam and his 'easy burn frustration factor', they probably had an argument or something during their tutoring session I didn't bother to ask, simply because it didn't look like they'd tell me if I did. Joanna put her head on my shoulder for most of lunch, and it felt awesome. She has these real moments of tenderness about her that just seem to be inspired out of nowhere sometimes. I kissed her on the forehead, and just...enjoyed her presence. She's really cool, you know?
There was a disturbing turn of events that occurred sometime in the middle of the day though. Bobby and Brandon....they fucking traded phone numbers today! I mean...what the....? What is UP with that kid? Can he not take a hint! What are they getting all 'buddy-buddy' for anyway? It's not funny anymore! Brandon says, "We might hang out together sometime soon. He's cool." What does THAT mean? 'We might hang out soon'? Like....at school, out of school, on the weekend, during the day, or at night? If it's night time....that's like...that's like a DATE! NOOOOO!!! NO dating for Brandon and Bobby Jinette! NONE! I'm not having it! What if Bobby makes a move? What if he says something to Brandon to make him..well...what if Bobby offers to, like, give him a blowjob or something? He can't put his sweet lips on my pretty pretty Brandon! I don't even want them touching hands! I've gotta stop this. I WILL stop this!
Shit, that's my mom. I've gotta wash the dishes. I'll just end this here. But I'll write more about my diabolical plan later! See ya!