szurp Wednesday

- I'm not going to apologize for being upset. I won't. I think I had every right to be suspicious of what was going on with my boyfriend and his apparent inability to cut ties with his ex while lying to me about it. But...at the same time, I think I definitely made the right choice this time by not letting my emotions bubble over into madness and rushing into making any unwarranted accusations. Sometimes it makes more sense to not be so 'full disclosure' all the time. I could have royally screwed up by being hot headed and dumb.

Maybe I'm getting the hang of this growing up stuff after all.

So, anyway...Brandon and I had a really long talk today. One that started out on the phone and ended up with us going to the Hill to meet up, face to face. Something that I think was for the best. Besides, I can't look into Brandon's eyes without melting into a puddle of infatuated mush anyway. I didn't stand a chance.

When he called me earlier this afternoon, I was a bit hesitant to pick up. What happens if I'm not quite done being hurt yet, you know? What if I explode? What if I say the wrong thing and I wreck any chances of mending ways? I've already proven to myself that living my life without Brandon is much much less exciting. In fact, it's almost unbearable. I don't want to break up. I want to fix things. I want my baby back. God, I missed him so much, and it had barely been a weekend. Still...I waited until the third ring before I got the courage to pick up and say hello.

Brandon's voice sounded so sad. He's like, "Billy, can we talk for a bit? There are some things that I want to get out in the open. Important things. Ok?"

I didn't know what he meant by that at all, but I was willing to give things a diplomatic try. So, I'm like, "Yeah. We can talk. I'm not exactly sure what you've got to tell me though. I mean...I saw pictures. You can't deny that you guys weren't together..."

Brandon was like, "What pictures? Billy, I don't know what you think was going on with me and Stevie, but it wasn't like that at all. Ok?" Asking again, "Where the heck would you get pictures from?"

I'm like, "Does it matter?"

He says, "It matters if they were put into the wrong context, yeah. It kinda matters."

Already feeling the frustration fizzing up inside of me, I tried to get it under control. I said, "Fine. Put it in the right context for me. Because I saw you hugging and kissing him in public. Which might have come off as harmless if it weren't for the fact that you've been making this great big 'secret' out of it for the whole Summer."

Getting aggravated himself, Brandon was like, "Hugging and what? Jesus, Billy, it's not like I was making out with him. Stevie and I are just friends. You know that. Why don't you believe me?"

I'm like, "I have a bunch of friends that I don't hug and kiss on the lips in secret."

He's all like, "It wasn't 'in secret'. Not the way you're making it out."

So, I'm like, "You know? When I was going over to Ian's house and hanging out with Bobby Jinette, I came clean and I told you about it right away. I even asked you if it was ok. I asked you if you wanted to come with me just in case you had any weird thoughts about what I might be doing over there when you weren't around..."

Brandon's like, "I told you that I trusted you and I meant it. But as long as we're on the subject, Bobby isn't just some ex boyfriend that you broke up with. He's the boy you used to CHEAT on me while we were still dating and getting to know each other. So you might not want to think of him as being one the best of examples in your argument, Billy. That was a totally different situation entirely."

I grunted, "I TOLD you, that was a mistake, and that I'm sorry it ever happened."

But he's like, "And that just makes it all go away, right? Say you're sorry and it wipes the slate clean. Must be nice."

I asked him, "How did this get to be about me? I thought you were going to explain what was going on. I haven't heard any explanations yet."

He said, "Maybe if you'd shut up for a second, I could..." Then he stopped. I stopped. We both took a breath, and Brandon was like, "Look...can we meet up? Somewhere with some privacy so we can talk this out? I don't want to do it like this."

Feeling a little hurt, but ready to get past this, I said, "Yeah. We can go to the Hill if you want. It's pretty empty in the middle of the week anyway."

Brandon said, "Ok. I'll meet you there. About an hour?" I agreed, and after a short pause, Brandon was like, "I love you, Billy. You know that, right?"

And I'm like, "Yeah. Love you too, Brandon."

A much better way to hang up than last time.

So I got all cleaned up and made my way out to that special place in the park that Sam and I had made our personal outdoor temple for whenever we needed some time away from the world. And even though my mind was flooded with a million different conversations and a million different mental sound bytes of things that I wanted to say to him...they all sorta dissolved into thin air once Brandon came into view, and gave me a gentle hug before we sat down at the base of 'our' tree and tried to have a normal conversation about this whole thing.

I kept thinking, 'God, I hope this goes well...'

Brandon was quiet at first, his knees drawn up so he could rest his chin on them, looking down at his shoes as he toyed with his laces. Then he says, "Stevie is having some...issues. Ok?"

I'm like, "Issues? Issues like what?"

He said, "Listen, you can't let Stevie know that I told you about any of this, ok? Swear?" I did. And Brandon was like, "For the past few months, Stevie has been practically locking himself in his room, unable to leave the house. Not even for the simplest of tasks. He's terrified, ok?"

I'm like, "Wait, I don't get it. Terrified of what?"

Brandon says, "Those boys that bullied him and beat him up at the end of the school year? The ones that put him in the hospital? They're still out there, Billy. Still going to the mall, the movies, downtown...they cruise the streets at random. Stevie doesn't have any protection from them at all. And his assembly at school cost them in a big way. Summer's ruined, weekend punishments, public backlash...they may not even be able to play sports next year. They're pissed. Their parents are pissed. People who were looking for them to bring home a win for Homecoming in the fall are pissed. Add that to your typical homophobic reactions, and Stevie can't go anywhere without feeling the weight of the whole world on his shoulders." Then he looked at me and added, "At the beginning of Summer, some of those guys chased Stevie out of a department store parking lot, and they threatened to 'finish the job' and kill him if they ever saw his face again."

Wincing at the idea, I was like, "Jesus..."

Brandon told me, "Stevie started having panic attacks shortly after that. He tries to leave the house, but he gets right up to the front door, and this paralyzing fear takes over. He feels like he's in actual 'danger' every second that he isn't closed up in his bedroom, and even when he tries to force himself to fix it and get better...he just can't. He's stuck. And he's confused, and maybe a little bit ashamed, that he can't get better. So...that's why he called me."

I'm like, "He called you? I don't get it."

He's like, "Stevie and I, well...I'm the only person he's ever been truly open and 'intimate' with." He peeked over at me, and he asked, "Are you sure yo want to hear this part?" I nodded...hesitantly. He says, "Stevie and shared some really sweet moments together. We talked a lot. We laughed. We made love. He said he never felt so close to another person before. When we were together, it was the first time he truly felt as though he could be himself. In front of anybody, including his own reflection." Did it hurt to hear it? Yeah. It did. He's right to think that it's hard for me to handle the thought of him being 'intimate' with anyone else but me. Maybe it's selfish, but I can't help but to cringe when I think of Brandon and Stevie all naked and tangled up on a bed somewhere, grinding on each other to the point of orgasm. It just...it hurts, ok? Brandon was like, "Anyway, Stevie trusts me. He needed my help, and I'm the only one close enough to his heart to help him out of the quicksand before he sinks any deeper. That's all it was, ok?"

Ok, so...I felt like shit. I did. I didn't know what was going on, and I let my immediate emotions get out of control. I'm glad I thought things through first. Thank God for a personal 'filter'.

I was like, "You promise?"

Brandon said, "Billy, I swear to you, I would NEVER do anything to hurt you like that. Ok? I love you! I just...I was worried what you would think about me spending time with Stevie, and I couldn't take you with me, and I couldn't tell you what it was about or why I had to go alone...it was a big, complicated, mess and I'm sorry if you got the wrong idea. I just...I didn't want to ruin things between us. I felt like we were finally doing everything right for a change. Well, you know...except for having your mom catch us in a 69 on your living room carpet, of course." He blushed.

I snickered a little bit, and Brandon smirked as he gave me a shove. I'm like, "What?"

He says, "It's not FUNNY!" He giggled. Like, "She saw my bare ass and everything..."

He was turning soooo red in the face. I took a moment to grin myself, and said, "You have a really hot ass, though. I'm sure she noticed. I might have to be jealous of her now, too." A little joke that we laughed off, but soon got back to the topic at hand.

Brandon took a hold of my hand and gave it a squeeze. He's like, "Billy...we made a promise to be honest with one another. I didn't want to lie to you, but I guess keeping secrets can be just as bad. I want 'us' to work. I really do. Stevie is a part of my past. It lasted for a short while and it helped to soothe a bit of the ache of losing you for a little while...but that part of my life is over. He's just a good friend who needs my help. He needs someone he trusts to help him through a rough time. I can't just turn my back on him. You know that right?" Brandon gave me a little kiss on the cheek, and said, "You don't have anybody to be jealous of. Honestly."

I told him, "I guess I know that, deep down. But I've got the cutest, most adorable, boyfriend on the whole planet. It's kinda hard to imagine that you'd keep turning down one hot boy after another, just so you could...stay loyal to me, major flaws and all."

With a wink, he said, "Well, you'll just have to leave it up to faith, now won't you?"

We did sit on that Hill and talk things out for about an hour or so. That jittery sense of rage, bubbling up right under my ribs, began to subside. We didn't take any more shots at one another. And once the Stevie issue, and the fact that Jimmy was the one that sent me the pics, was solved...it only took a few minutes for Brandon and I to slide right back into the groove that we had grown so accustomed to. Already, I could feel the tension leaving me. It was like having a boa constrictor finally releasing its grip on my heart and allowing me to breathe freely again. I can't say that I completely trust Stevie...but I'm doing all I can to make sure that Brandon gets every bit of trust that he deserves. He's more than earned it after the hell I've put him through.

For what it's worth, I really do hope that Stevie stays safe. If Brandon truly is the only one who can help him through his fear of being out in public, then I'll just have to take our Monday meet ups off the menu for now. I know we haven't been the best of friends or anything, but I certainly don't wish for anything bad to happen to Stevie. I guess I can tame the green beast within me for a little while longer if it's for a good cause. Just...I'd want them to calm down on the hugging and kissing stuff. Apparently, what looked like a passionate kiss on the lips when frozen in a photo was barely a peck on the lips in real time. But I'm sure Jimmy planned it that way.

He sucks for that. But I couldn't care less. Because despite his desperate attempts to keep us apart, love won. Again! And he'll just have to curl up in some dark corner and continue to be mad about it. I found my angel. Deal with it.

Anyway, I'm going to send Brandon another text tonight to say goodnight, and tell him that I love him, heart and soul. We don't have to be perfect. We just have to strive for perfection. There's a difference. And whenever our sweet romance gets tangled up in a knot like a string of unused Christmas tree lights...we can take the time and the patience to work it out. Like gentlemen. Because a love like this is worth it.

So worth it.

Billy's words of wisdom for the night. Hehehe! I'll write more later!

Seeya.

- Billy