- I went out to the movies with Sam, Joanna, and Lee, tonight. Ted didn't want to come with for some odd reason. Who knows why? He's been acting kinda weird lately. Not that he was a super talkative person before...but now he's so quiet that we literally have to keep checking to make sure he's even in the same room with us. Not to mention that he's been giving me weird looks the past week or so. Like he accidentally ran over my dog or something. Odd. Anyway, the three of us shared some laughs over milkshakes and chilidogs over at the burger joint nearby, and even had a fun time just waiting around in the parking lot for the next movie showing But I couldn't help but feel like something was 'off' about the whole evening. You know that weird feeling you get in your stomach when you walk into a room full of creepy strangers? That's what it felt like. Like we were suddenly trying to yell messages to each other while standing on a series of deserted islands. Just....'distant', you know? Anyway, whether it's all in my head or not, I don't know, but things seem to have gotten pretty strained between all of us in a very short period of time. I'm starting to think that maybe I missed something important during those last few Saturdays that I didn't show up at the mall.
Joanna sat between me and Sam, and I really wanted her to have a good time...but she seemed so uncomfortable. I couldn't hold her hand, or kiss her on the cheek, or anything without her shrugging away from me. I must be doing something wrong. I wonder if maybe her 'girl senses' have picked up on me being gay or something. I wonder if she knows about AJ. What if she knows everything? I know that seems ridiculous, but what if she does? Women have, like...'powers' and stuff. I try not to think about it too much though. My paranoia gets the best of me when I think too much. I just wish I knew what was wrong so I could understand what's gotten her so weirded out these days around me.
Lee was super cute tonight though. Sorry, just had to throw that in there Can't help it. He's prime!
You know what happened today in school? We were dividing everybody up into groups to work on a project for the rest of the class period, and Simon couldn't get himself a lab partner. He ended up working by himself. Ha ha! GOOD for him! Serves him right! Asshole! You wanna know who your lab partner was before? ME!!! That's right...little ol' Billy Chase! The boy who didn't care about somebody being gorgeous and popular and high on the social ladder of the 9th grade! You know, that boy who obviously 'hated' you so much and never cared about you? The one you decided to just kick to the curb? Well, too bad! You're shit out of luck now, so suffer. Sit in your little corner all by yourself and have a blast Find somebody else who's gonna give a damn about you like I did. Normally, it would tear me up to see him alone, and I'd go out of my way to try to make him feel better. Not because I HAD to or because I owed it to him, but because I thought he was cool. Because something about him was worth getting to know and love. Today, however, I had no sympathy for him whatsoever. He brought it on himself. It's not my job to care anymore.
I fingered myself in the shower again today. Geez, that looks so weird when I see those words here in MY handwriting. But I think I kinda like it now! As long as I go slow and get my finger nice and wet first...it's like ten times the orgasm that I used to have before! So that was awesome! Although I have to stop taking so many showers before my parents catch on to what I'm doing. The LAST thing I want is to get caught doing THIS!!! Masturbating is one thing, and I'd probably be embarrassed for the rest of my life if they ever walked in on me or something. But getting caught masturbating with a middle finger lodged knuckle deep in my ass? NOOOOOOOOO!!!!! There's absolutely NO explanation available for that kind of activity at ALL! NONE! My mom would probably have me sent away to be worked on by a team of therapists to find out what was wrong with me. So I have to be careful. But I did want to practice some more for AJ tomorrow. I wanna be ready. He's gonna love me SO much when I let him do me! I can't wait!
Now that I think about it, I kinda wanna fuck him too. Like...AJ's ass is sooooo cute! I'd much rather have him let me screw him instead of the other way around. I bet he'd be so tight and hot inside. And his cheeks are really soft and bubbly and smooth....like...I can imagine him laying down on his stomach, and me slipping into him, and just...humping him for HOURS! I wonder if he'd let me do it to him after he does me first. That would be cool. Besides, I'm supposed to be experimenting with everything, right? I'll give it a try. Who knows? Maybe he'll decide he likes it the other way better.
One can dream, can't he?
Oh yeah, I wrote an email to Bobby Jinette tonight like I said I would. It was weird because we've never really spoken before outside of Missy's party. Nothing more than a few short exchanges in the hallway, anyway. But I had his email address already, and I wanted to hurry up and at least break the ice so I could find out what was going on before it was too late I started off with a short email, and sorta introduced myself as 'Brandon's Friend Billy'. I'm sure Bobby knew damn well who I was, but...that kinda sounds like me and Brandon are...like...together, you know?
Anyway, it turns out that Bobby was online when I sent it to him, and he wrote back right away. And he was like...surprised. And really....um...'happy' about me writing him out of the blue. We sorta email tagged for a few minutes, just small talk really. What irks me though is that Bobby was actually being...'cool'. Friendly and sweet and funny...just like Brandon said he was. Of course, that in NO way means that he's entitled to lay a hand on my favorite boy! But it's good to know that he's not a total jerk, I suppose. I kinda didn't expect him to be a 'good guy', so I'll have to find a nice and subtle way to say, "Back the hell off of Brandon before I poke out your eyes and break your fingers!" I think that's possible.
Shit...I just heard my dad storm out of the house. Sighhh, what IS it with those two these days! Jesus! I better go see if I can find out what happened. Not that my mom ever tells me anything. But I'd be an idiot not to try. I'll write more later. Seeya!
-Billy (Loose as a goose and ready for AJ tomorrow!)
- No no NO!!! How did today go wrong? I tried soooo hard! I really did! I fucked up so bad! Now AJ's gonna totally HATE me! And I seriously CRIED when I got home! I was so mad at myself! I tried, I REALLY tried, but I just couldn't take it! It hurt soooo much. I don't think I was ready for this yet. I mean, he thinks I'm so gorgeous and he really wanted to do it to me soooo bad. We kissed and got naked and all....and I started sucking him really good. He tasted so sweet, and he was really into it, so I kept going. I was kinda hoping that he'd just cum in my mouth and forget about the whole anal sex thing. But he told me to stop because he wanted to try it. So I turned around and got on my hands and knees, facing the other way. I thought I might like it as long as he was gentle with me. I just....sighh....I wish I was stronger. If I had practiced more, he could have fucked me with no problem. I'm such a cry baby.
He used lube and everything, and AJ looked so cute, and so hard, and SO excited. But no matter what position we tried, I was just too small and too tight for him to slip into me. Then, he sorta forced his way in a little bit. We had been trying for a long time, and I think he just wanted to penetrate me and stop fooling around, you know. I think he was kinda frustrated. So he pushed until he forced me open, and it HURT! GOD, did it hurt! It didn't feel anything like my finger in the shower. It burned, and it stretched me until I was almost in tears. I felt so 'full' inside. He pushed more and more, a little bit at the time, and he said that he liked that I was soooo tight! He was really feeling good and whispering in my ear to tell me how hot I was inside, and how much I was gripping him, and telling me to relax. He even whispered, "God, I love you....mmmm....I love you so much." But I just couldn't concentrate on anything but the pain. I went completely soft, and shut my eyes, just trying not to yell out loud. Even when he said he'd go slow, I couldn't keep myself from wanting to scream.
The whole thing just hurt too much to be enjoyable. His dick felt like it was getting thicker and thicker the closer it got to the base, and when he got it all in me, and pulled out, I knew I wasn't going to be able to do it. I just couldn't. Maybe this kinda thing is for some people, but not for me. I couldn't even bite the bullet and wait for it to be over. He was starting to get a slow rhythm going, and he was breathing hard in my ear, but I couldn't stand it anymore and I told him to take it out. He pushed it all the way in me, and I gasped out loud, and told him again, "OW! Take it out!" I felt like it was ripping me open, and my legs nearly collapsed.
AJ was all like "C'mon Billy! Just let me do it a little bit longer. It feels really good. You'll get into it in a minute."
And I said, "No! It hurts! Please, just...take it out. Please?"
And he got kinda mad and said, "It CAN'T hurt that much! Let me just TRY it! Give me five minutes, ok? Come on baby!" And he pushed in and out a few more times, so I tried to clench up and lock him out and wiggled away from him while he tried to forcefully pin me down. It wasn't going to feel any better than that. Not for me. I simply told him no and that was all there was to it. He slipped out of me, and I moved to the other end of the bed. After that, AJ looked away from me, and just sorta sat there with his hardness bouncing in front of him. He sighed and said, "Fine. Forget it." I didn't WANT to say no, but it really HURT! What was I supposed to do? We were silent for a few moments, and I told him I was sorry. I tried to kiss him and he pushed me away from him. "It's alright. Forget about it." He said again. He reached down with his hand to jack off instead, but when I reached over to help him and make him feel good...he pushed my hand away. He wouldn't even let me touch him. He was angry, I could tell. I'm SO fucking stupid!!! I should have just let him fuck me. Now that I think about it, it wasn't so bad that I couldn't have given him another couple of minutes inside me. Why did he need to do 'that part' so much? Why couldn't we just stick to sucking each other and kissing? That was the really romantic stuff. That was what I liked the most. Everything had to get so twisted around this one stupid thing. I really hate myself right now. I wouldn't blame AJ if he never wanted to talk to me again.
Sam called shortly after I had gotten home from AJ's, and he could easily tell that I was feeling bad. He asked what was wrong, but naturally...I couldn't tell him. And yet, Sam knew me well enough where I couldn't just convince him that everything was fine and dandy. So I simply told him that I didn't wanna talk about it. Then...strangely enough, Sam asked me if it was about him. I said no. But he kept asking me. The entire time we talked, he kept saying he was sorry, and that if it was him that I should just come right out and tell him. Just to get it 'out in the open'. What the hell was his deal? What would make him think that my bad mood had anything to do with him? He didn't do anything to upset me. We've hardly had much time to talk at all these days. So why would I be angry with him? I swear...Sam is getting more and more weird with each passing day. I don't 'get' him anymore.
Anyway, I've gotta go. My dad wants me to go with him to shop for paint tomorrow. Yeah....paint. Gee, Dad...that sounds like a blast. Psh! Anyway..I'll try to call AJ tomorrow and apologize again. I hope he'll forgive me. I just....I don't want to be in pain when I'm with him. I want everything to feel 'good', you know? I want everything to be soft and slow and warm...like it was before. He'll understand that, right? If he really loves me, he'll understand.
- I was planning to see Jimmy today, I was going to talk to Sam some more and find out what was making him think I'd be angry with him, I was going to try to call AJ again and see if I could apologize for yesterday and make it all up to him...but I couldn't. Not after the bombshell that I had dropped on me this morning.
My dad took me out to shop for paint today, which was a strange activity in itself. And while I was grumpy about being dragged along...I decided to go anyway. After all, he had been acting so odd lately that his current attitude intrigued me. So curiosity, alone, was enough to get me to leave the house. I wish I knew then what I know now. I would have stayed home for sure.
We were in the car, and he seemed to be taking the long way home, and everything in the car was so silent that it became extremely uncomfortable for the both of us. He looked like he was mentally wrestling with something, and it was just...'unsettling', you know? It was like, TELL ME already so we can both stop squirming over it! And it was then that he started with that, "Billy...you know I love you, right?" stuff again. Hearing the 'L' word from a parent at my age is such an awkward thing. It causes the average teenage boy to cringe and overflow with humiliation at the mere mention of it. But what followed....what followed is a moment that I'm going to remember the rest of my life. "You know....me and your mother...we aren't doing too well." He said. I don't think any of his words were really sinking in at that moment. I just stared at the dark grey surface of the dashboard, and tried not to think. Even though a small sense of panic started to itch in the center of my chest. "We're having some...problems, Billy, your mother and I. And I'm not sure how we're going to work them out just yet...."
'PROBLEMS'??? What the fuck does he MEAN, 'PROBLEMS'??? WHAT 'PROBLEMS'??? Everybody has 'PROBLEMS'! Why does he feel he has to tell me about this? NO! NO!!! I'm NOT hearing this right now! I'm just NOT! This had to be a joke! A lie! A game! There's no way my dad is telling me this right now. "Um....Uh..." I couldn't even speak.
"Billy, I may have to leave for a little while. We just....we need some time apart, that's all." I think the rest of his conversation turned into a mad scramble of promises that they weren't getting divorced, and confessions that he still loved and cared about me no matter what. But it was only that single word....'divorce'....that echoed over and over again in my mind. Nothing else could penetrate. I don't think I've ever heard a more foul word ever escape my father's lips. I just sat there. Why did I just SIT there??? All I could do was nod and stare at that damn dashboard while my dad tried to calmly convince me that this conversation wasn't detailing the end of my whole life as I knew it. I was shaking....trembling. And I just wanted this car trip to be over. I couldn't move, I couldn't speak, I couldn't scream, I couldn't cry....I just sat there. Wishing that I had the courage to jump from the moving car and pretend that this was all a hellish fantasy that I'd wake up from once I hit the concrete. I think this is officially one of the worst days of my whole fucking life.
When we got back to the house, he dropped me off while I was still in a daze. He said he had some other things to do before coming back inside, and I was sorta glad...because I just didn't wanna look at him right then. My mom was in the kitchen, and I walked right past her without saying a word. I just locked myself in my room for a few hours, and did my best to shake that terrifying conversation from my mind. I couldn't accept it. I wouldn't accept it. I didn't come out of my room until long after dinner, which my mom left on top of the stove for me. She didn't talk to me at first, and when she did, she had obviously been crying. She wouldn't let me know it...but I could see the redness in her eyes. I just....I couldn't believe it. I could NOT believe it! She basically gave me my father's same bullshit excuses, word for word. That they just 'need some time apart to think', and 'we're not getting divorced or anything'. It was like they had rehearsed it together before telling me. And that hurt even worse...the fact that they had this all planned out and didn't even bother to tell me. How could they not ask me how I felt about this? How could they do all of this behind my fucking BACK? "We're just separating for a little while, Billy. So we can work out whatever it is that's keeping us so upset at each other. Then things will be better for all of us. Ok?"
NO! It's NOT ok! How can ANY of this madness possibly be ok??? I know they've been arguing and fighting an awful lot lately...but so what? Sam and I fight all the time! And WE make up! Why can't they do that? I remember one time that we had gotten into this fist fight over something really stupid while he was sleeping over at my house. It was back when we were little. My mom sent me and Sam into the living room, sat us down next to each other on the couch, and FORCED us to apologize! She wouldn't let us go ANYWHERE until we were friends again She said we were like brothers and should stop fighting over such silly things, because our friendship was stronger than that. Well....why can't SHE do that now? Why can't they BOTH do that? I just....I can't fucking believe they're separating. I went right back into my room and I've been in here ever since. I don't want to talk to anybody at all. I just want to put my head under the covers and shut out the whole world until this stupid nightmare is over and everything gets back to normal. None of this is real. It's just not real. When I wake up in the morning, I'm gonna forget all about this nonsense and start all over. That's all there is to it.
I'm going to bed and pretend that this whole day never happened. There's no WAY I could let my life get this out of control. Simon won't talk to me, Joanna is being standoffish, Sam is acting majorly weird, AJ thinks I'm some kind of lame ass boyfriend, Bobby Jinette is trying to steal my Brandon away from me, and now...my parents are getting divorced. This won't happen. None of it. I can 'fix' this. All of it. I know I can. I just need a chance to think things out...that's all.
Wish me luck. G'night....