- That overpowering feeling of an impending bout of hysteria still hasn't left me. I want it gone. I want to find whatever 'switch' I have inside me that's making me shake so badly inside...and just....turn it off. But I can't stop thinking about it long enough to make that fear go away. What am I going to do about my parents? What if they fucking get divorced? What happens then? Am I going to have to choose which parent I want to live with? Do I HAVE to? Omigod, who do I choose?!?! I'm going to be losing one of my parents forever. I mean..like...FOREVER! I don't wanna leave my mom behind. And I don't wanna JUST see my dad on birthdays and holidays. I want things to be NORMAL again! What the fuck is WRONG with them??? **WHY CAN'T THEY JUST FIX IT**??? It's not fair! I'm so lost. And my only protection is trying to forget about it as often as it comes up. So I suppose it's only hurting me to write on this any further. I just hope that one day I'll be able to look back at his page and laugh about how worried I was. That I'll be able to turn forward three or four pages from this one, and read about how it all worked out for the better and we lived as a whole family for the rest of our days. Just like it's supposed to be.
I tried to talk to Joanna today, basically attempting to smooth out whatever rough times she seems to be going through right now. Things between us are starting to 'feel' different. She doesn't call me anymore, or ask me to call her, for that matter. Whenever I say 'I love you', she doesn't say it back like she used to. It's like what happened to me and Sam for that brief period, where things got weird and out of place somehow. We're just not 'connecting' anymore. I was hoping to get a chance to talk to her more and maybe bring it up, but she seemed to be really guilty about something. Like she felt bad for even talking to me. Everything was a one or two word answer, and for the first time, she felt more awkward than I did while we were talking to each other. I'm not really an expert on talking about this stuff, so I just kinda put my hand on her shoulder and hoped that she got the message that I cared. She didn't pull away or anything, but from the look on her face through most of lunch, you would have thought that she had just ran over my favorite pet with the car.
Then, a full biology class later, a terrifying question hit me. Like a lightning bolt from the sky. Is Joanna gonna break up with me? Are we gonna end up like my parents are right now? I mean....I know it sounds strange and all...but....she IS being really 'different' around me these days. Is that how it starts? Are we having 'problems' too? NO! I can't let this happen! I LIKE Joanna! Why would she wanna break up with me? Something's gotta be done about this. I've gotta get her to love me again. I've gotta make her think I'm HOT again. She loved me before, right? She can still love me now! She can cuddle up next to me all the time in the hallway, and kiss me in public, and ALL of that stuff. I liked all of that stuff. She's my only link to a somewhat normal life. I'll be better. I'll go to the mall EVERY Saturday if I have to. I'll call every three days. I'll give her all the sex she wants...not that she's really asked me for any. But, whatever, I'll do it. I've gotta make her want me like she used to want me. I SWEAR, I'll try harder. Just...don't run out on me now!
Oh...and speaking of trying harder, I chatted for a little bit with Bobby Jinette tonight. Things are worse than I thought. You know what he asked me tonight? He attempted to 'subtly' slide this into the conversation....but it was SO obvious! Grrr! He's all like..."So, does Brandon have a girlfriend?" Straight guys don't usually ask other guys if they have girlfriends, do they? I don't know. But it seemed like a 'gay boy on the prowl' question to ME. So I tell him no, and then he comes back with, "But he talks about girls a lot, doesn't he?" And I should have lied or made up something that would slow Bobby down a bit before he goes putting the moves on him. But all I could come up with was...
"My mom's calling me for dinner. I've gotta run." And I signed off before he had a chance to say anything else. It was a lame excuse, I know. It was like 10 o'clock at night! I'm sure he knows that I wasn't just now going to sit down to dinner. But I panicked. I didn't know what else to say. He'd better not say anything to Brandon. He just better not. I already asked Brandon this afternoon if he wanted to do something after school on Friday. And he said he'd have to check to see what was going on first with his parents. I guess they had plans for him or something. But he smiled when I asked, and I'll bet you he says yes. I KNOW he will! Because he likes ME! Right? I mean...like a friend. Arrrrgh! Why is Bobby DOING this??? I don't WANT him to like Brandon! Why can't he just go drool over Jamie Cross like every other closeted gay boy in school? Why does he have to like MY Brandon? Jerk!
Anyway, I'm going to go now. The trembles in my stomach haven't stopped yet, but I'm hoping that they'll go away soon. Knowing what I know, it's weird to see my parents still co-existing in the same house. It's so backwards. But it's also comforting, because it gives my mind the option of pretending that this was all a nightmare. And that I could wake up any morning and find that things are all back in place as they should be. I'd like that. I NEED that.
One can hope, right? Geez...it's a lot more quiet than it used to be in this house.
NOOO!!!!! FUCK FUCK *FUCK*!!!! Ok...I am MAJORLY worried right now!!! My mom had the day off from work. So, while cleaning up the house, she came into my room and made up my bed while I was gone! She even cleaned some stuff off of the top of my desk! Why am I freaking out right now? Because, when I came home from school...I found my book sitting on top of the bed! THIS book!!! This book, with ALL of my worst fucking secrets in it!!! Oh God...why did I write this stuff down??? I can't believe she TOUCHED this book! I can't believe I was stupid enough to leave it someplace where she COULD touch it! Why does she have to go through my fucking stuff? It's MINE! FUCK!!!
Well, the BIG question is...did she read any of it? Does she know about me being gay now? Does she know about Jamie and Brandon and....oh God...AJ! SHIT! What if she read about me and AJ? I'd be SO embarrassed if she knew about AJ! Dammit! How could she touch my stuff? I wanted to run out and yell and scream and accuse her of reading my private thoughts and invading my privacy at that very moment.
But...what if she didn't read it? What if I made a big deal about this book and not having her touch it? Then she'd want to read what was in it for sure. So I'm kinda stuck in the dark about this situation. Right now, I'm just going to have to watch her for signs. See if maybe she treats me any different, or wants to have one of her little 'talks' or something. If she read what I wrote in this book, she won't be able to hide it No way. So I'll just watch her to see what she does before I mention it Until then, I'm locking this book away someplace where she can't get her meddlesome hands on it!
Anyway...ASSUMING that I can write my true feelings in here WITHOUT somebody fucking reading it without my permission...I'll continue!!!
Ok, so...more on the Brandon issue...Bobby asked him out to a movie this Friday. AFTER I had already asked if he wanted to do something together first. Brandon told me about it in the library today. I figured that it might turn him off if I told him what Bobby said to me. So I said, "You know, he asked me if you had a girlfriend. Or if you talked about girls at all. Hehehe....weird, right?"
I half expected him to react like most straight boys would react, and just call him a 'homo' and laugh. But....he didn't. He kinda giggled a little bit, and then he says, "Really? Did he? Wow..." What the hell does THAT mean? 'Wow'? Did he just fucking say 'wow'? THAT'S not the answer I was looking for! He's supposed to write him off as some kinda 'fag' and avoid him from now on! I mean...right? RIGHT? THEN Brandon's all like, "Bobby's cool. I think he wants to hang out more and stuff. He keeps asking, so I guess I should go." FUCK!!! How in the hell did this go wrong??? But...thank the angels above...Brandon looks at me, and he says, "You wanna go with us?"
I swear, if I wasn't sitting down in the library, I would have seriously turned a series of back flips that would have carried me right out of the room! Hell YEAH, I wanna go!!! I'll tag along, be a friend...and totally intrude on Bobby's little 'date' that he had planned with my....Brandon. Hahaha! Whoah! I almost wrote 'boyfriend' just then. BAD Billy! Hehehe! Honestly though, I didn't mean for it to happen. It just seemed like the next logical word to write on the page. Weird.
And speaking of boyfriends...I DID get in touch with AJ tonight. Even if it was only for a couple of minutes. And he didn't seem to be mad at me anymore. So I guess I didn't COMPLETELY ruin things this past weekend by being a dork. He even called me 'tasty boy' again. God...I LOVE it when he says that! So maybe..things will work out after all. But like I said, it was only for a couple of minutes, and then he had to go. I wanted to go over to his house this weekend, maybe after hanging out with Joanna and the gang. I said, "Can we get together on Saturday, baby?" Being all sweet and stuff, and it made him giggle a bit. Which was cute. But he couldn't do it. He's meeting up with a friend of his on Saturday, so he'll be busy. But he said that we might be able to do it on Tuesday instead. Which would be AWESOME! Sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, sex, SEX!!!!! I LOVE it!!!
Anyway, that's it for today. I've kinda decided not to dwell on my parents situation any longer. I'm not going to even acknowledge it. Because if I don't think about it, then it's just not happening. Besides, things were fine today. And they didn't even fight. Not once. So...maybe things will go away on their own. Who knows? Either way, I'm just going to let this blow over and hope that they come to their senses soon. Easy.
Gotta run, but I'll write more later. Bye bye!
- I'm still watching my mom to see if maybe she was giving me any hints as to what she might have, or might NOT have, read in my top secret notebook here. So far, so good. Although, at one point today, there was a banana missing from the kitchen table, and she asked me if I took it. Which I totally DIDN'T! I think Dad took it with him to work or something. But why did she think *I* had taken it? Is she insinuating that I stole the banana because I'm GAY??? Is THAT it??? Does she think I'm secretly shoving big long bananas up my ass while she's not looking??? I don't know...but I'm watching her to see if she makes any follow up comments like that one I've gotta be careful. She'll slide a few hints passed me if I'm not on my toes. Psh! Bananas....whatever! Like I'd DO that! Honestly!
I've been hiding this book a lot more carefully nowadays. Deep in the back of the closet, in an old shoebox full of papers and old drawings. It's a hassle to go in and take it out every night and then shove it back in there again before bed. But it's worth the effort if it keeps this part of my life a secret from my parents. I'd literally DIE if they saw this book! I couldn't take it. No way.
DUDE! You know what happened about an hour ago? I was online, and Lee sent me a joke or two through email. FUNNY ones too! So, I knew he was online and we decided to chat for a little while. Anyway, remember when I told you that the way he writes is so cute? Well, he was turning on the charm extra hard tonight, and I was seriously wiggling in my chair a little bit. Hehehe, he's SO adorably goofy. Well, at one point he said that a mosquito had landed on his chest and he had to kill it...and I was like, "What?" And he said he didn't have a shirt on. Now....with the 'breeder' side of the species, a very anxious and horny gay boy like myself has to be extremely careful when asking for pics of such a glorious moment. So, I very politely, very cautiously, asked what he was doing with his shirt off, and to send me a pic of him making a muscle or something. "Show me those guns!" I said. But really, I was kinda nervous because I was afraid he was gonna start calling me names or something. But he didn't. He had a webcam and stuff, and actually agreed to take some pics for me! I was SOOOO excited to see what he looked like with his shirt off! I was panting and stuff, just waiting for his next message! And then my email light went off, and he sent me FIVE pics!
OMIGOD...he's so CUTE!!! I can't stand it! His chest is really smooth and hairless and flat. His nipples are amazing! Small and perfectly round, and they stick out because his chest is like...pale, but pale in that really 'hot' way, you know? And he's got a really cute belly button too. OH, and in the third pic, he stood up, and he was only in his BOXERS! Arrrrgh! The fucking button was fastened though! I totally wanted to peek inside! He does have the cutest penis on the planet, after all!
I'm SO saving these for when I jack off later, by the way! Hehehe! Then you know what he DID???? In the very last pic he sent, he fucking MOONED me!!! His tight, round, smooth, bubbled, pale, absolutely DELICIOUS...ASS!!! And I had a PICTURE of it!!! I started to touch myself right then and there. I couldn't wait another minute. But he told me to erase it He made me PROMISE to erase it. And I did promise him I would....but...um....I didn't. And I feel kinda bad, but...it's Lee's ass! Come on! I've GOTTA save it! I'll never get another pic like this! Honestly! And it's one of the cutest asses I've ever seen too. Even cuter than AJ's! So...yeah, I'm holding onto it. But I feel REALLY guilty about it...sometimes. Not when I'm turned on, though.
I saw Bobby today, and I came right out and told him that I might go with them to the movies on Friday. He sorta paused for a second or two, but he didn't seem to mind. At least, not on the surface where I could see it. Faker. I KNOW he minds! I KNOW it! He wanted all of Brandon's attention to himself so he could kiss up to him and smile at him and get him to let down his guard so he can fondle his goodies. Bobby's probably thinking about sucking his big luscious meat right now. That long, thick, warm, fleshy tube of beauty....sliding in and out of his lips...holding on to his squeezable butt cheeks for balance...feeling Brandon's delicate, almost dainty, fingers in his hair. Yeah...he's thinking about it. Well, too fucking bad. No matter how much he tries to hide it, I know he's disappointed in the fact that Brandon asked me to join them. In fact, he's probably pissed that I'm on to him. I just wish he would stop being so damn cool 'about' it all.
Shit. My mom just turned off the TV in the living room, which means that she's going to bed. And if SHE'S going to bed, that means she's gonna start bugging ME to go to bed soon. She's like, the spokesperson for getting a good night's sleep and eating a hearty breakfast, so I guess I should stop here.
One more thing though. I saw Simon in the hallway today, and he looked...I dunno...kinda lonely. I didn't say anything, and I doubt he noticed me..but...it kinda got to me. You know? Stupid heart! I don't care WHAT he did or said to me...I didn't wanna hurt him. Or see him hurt by anybody else. I kinda just put it out of my mind and kept going. But I did notice...and I felt kinda bad. Still, I'm not going to go rebuilding any burnt bridges. That's pretty much done with now. I just hope he's happy with whatever he plans to do for friends now. That's all.
There it is. The tap at my door to tell me to go to sleep. I'll seeya soon. Later.