- Oh man...I feel SO bad right now! Shit! Jimmy called me tonight from the hospital. I guess he's recently been awarded some phone privileges or something. However that works. Anyway, he called my house and my mom gave me the phone. He sounded so sad. Not on purpose, really....but you could tell that he was feeling kinda down. The second I had heard his voice on the phone, I remembered how long it had been since I had gone to visit him. It had been, like, weeks. Ouch! I didn't mean to be a jerk to him or anything. It seemed like I had just seen him yesterday! But, I guess with so much stuff just popping up in my life out of nowhere at all, I lost track of the time. All this stuff with AJ, and my parents, and Joanna, and Sam, and Bobby trying to get his hands on Brandon...it took my mind off of everything else. I shouldn't have let that distract me. I mean..Jimmy is important to me too. I just...I've been reluctant to get close to him since he told me about his plans to go through with his suicide once he was released from the hospital. I can't live with that. I can't.
Still....all things aside, I was happy to hear from him. I really was. He told me that he was sorry, and I was a bit confused about that. I asked him, "Sorry for what?"
And he said, "About...what I told you. You know...about after I get out of here. That was heavy, and I shouldn't have just laid it on you like that all at once. I should have kept my mouth shut and just enjoyed our time together, you know? So...I'm sorry." I didn't know what to say really. He had no reason to be sorry about it. It just...didn't sit well with me. I guess a determined suicide patient doesn't sit well with much of anybody. But what hurt most was when he said, "I didn't mean to freak you out, ok? I miss you, Billy. I know that....when you tell people too much of your problems, they tend to just turn away and ignore you....and I don't blame you for not wanting to visit me anymore." Awww, dude...that's not the impression I wanted to give him. I cared for Jimmy SO much, and I'd NEVER want to hurt his feelings. I just....I just.....FORGOT! God...I know that sounds AWFUL! But it's the truth. I forgot. I got wrapped up in so much stuff that there was no more room in my brain for Jimmy and his situation to exist anymore. And I'm sorry. I'm SO SO sorry!
We talked for about an hour tonight, and then he had to go. He was getting more of his 'mood medicine', as he called it, from his nurse. But before he hung up, he made her leave the room, and he whispered something to me that I could barely hear at first. But when he said it again, he said, "You remember when you let me kiss you, Billy? That was the greatest and most memorable moment of my life. And I just wanna thank you, ok? You were just...you were really awesome for that." I was silent for a second, and when I tried to say something he stopped me. "Don't say anything. I'm not looking to force you into anything or make you feel guilty. I just....I wanted to tell you...that I liked it. A LOT! Ok?" He was smiling when he said it. I could tell. I could hear it in his voice. He was such a sweetheart when he wanted to be. Then he sent me a kiss and said goodbye. But not before making me PROMISE to come see him again soon. So I did. And I will. As soon as I get a chance.
You know...in school today, Melissa was acting WAY weird around me. And I talk to her every now and then, so I was just being...um...me, and joking around with her like I always do. And she was laughing really hard, so I started to tease her even more while she was trying to hold it in. And that made things worse. Hehehe, it was fun, you know? But then....something changed. And she got all lovey dovey on me. I don't know what happened or why, but it was kinda frightening. I pulled back the old 'charm' and tried to let things cool down to a normal pace again. But then she stared at me and told me she really liked my eyes. (I fucking HATE that, by the way!!!) And I blushed...which didn't seem to help the situation because she said she thinks THAT is cute too! So I told her I had to go. Thankfully, she left me alone after that. I hope she didn't interpret me kissing her at her birthday party as me being 'interested' or anything. I mean...she's cute and all, but I already HAVE a girlfriend. AND a boyfriend. And a couple of boys I'm secretly chasing on the side. I don't think my 'romance schedule' can handle much more activity than what I have to juggle right now.
Besides....girls can be weird. More often than not.
And that brings me to Joanna...who is rapidly going BEYOND weird, and crossing over into the realm of the insane. I tried being a better boyfriend to her today. Paying more attention to her feelings, trying to engage in better conversation, showing some real affection....I even tried kissing her a couple of times in front of everybody because I know she likes the attention of being seen with me kissing her. That's not an 'ego' thing...SHE'S the one who told me that. But, for some reason, she felt bad about it. I could easily tell. She was nervous, and looking around, and didn't really feel comfortable kissing me at all. It was like....I only made things worse, the more I tried to fix it. I should go to the mall with them on Saturday. Maybe buy her something nice. Just to say 'I love you', you now? I don't wanna lose her. I'm just getting used to her And I like her a lot. If nothing else, she's a good friend.
Anyway, I've gotta go to bed. It's late, even for me. I would write about Brandon in here today, but I haven't seen him all day. Not once. It's a huge gap in my existence to not see him. Even if it's just for a day. You know? He just....sighhh...nobody makes me feel like he does. He confuses the HELL out of me, and I wish I knew why.
But...overall...he's sweet. Just...sweet, and cool, and funny, and I like him a lot. Ok? Happy now? I wrote it down. God, I'm such a dork! Oh, and I felt kinda guilty about it at first, but not once I got started. I um...jacked off over Lee's shirtless webcam pic that he sent me. AND the butt shot that I was supposed to erase! Hehehe! I'm SORRY, ok??? He's soooooo CUTE!!! Hehehe! Let me tell you...this was no 'practice run' either, believe me. Thoughts of that boy brought on an INCREDIBLY strong orgasm tonight! Wow! It was literally one of the BEST self induced squirts that I've EVER had. Thinking about his super long legs, and his cute smile, and his soft cheeks, and his hard rod, and his sexy voice moaning in pleasure....it took me to a whole other level, I swear! Geez! Why do I love that boy so much? I don't get it. Anyway, bed time. Besides, I'm getting hard again writing this, and soon the book will be slipping off of my lap. So I'll see ya soon! Later!
- You know...despite 'certain' people doing their best to piss me off today, I still had a somewhat decent night. Albeit a confusing one.
First off, Simon completely fucking SNUBBED me today! Like...on purpose. He looked me right in the eye, and then rolled his eyes and turned his fucking BACK on me like he didn't care! So when I walked past him, I purposely bumped the little featherweight bastard with my shoulder. And when he felt the impact, he kinda pushed me back. Yeah, whatever asshole. FUCK YOU TOO!!!
And THEN...Sam started some pissy little argument for absolutely no reason whatsoever. And it all started with SPORTS! I don't even WATCH sports, so he was just reaching for some dumb reason to fight with me about nothing. But I think I'm starting to figure him out. He must be feeling guilty about something. I remember a few other times he's gotten weird like this, and basically was accusing himself of something awful by using ME to do it. Last time it was because he stole my Tomax and Xamot G.I. Joe figures and broke them by mistake. (Which he never replaced, by the way.) It seems like he's doing it all over again, and worse than ever. So now it's just a matter of finding out what item is missing from my room THIS time so I can tell him not to worry about it and be done with all this craziness.
I even had a rough time with my mom this morning where she was nagging me about a soda can I left in the living room. And then she tells ME to watch my attitude! Can you believe this? I swear, everybody just had a bug up their ass today and decided to take it out on me. Anyway, even with all of that emotional garbage trying to upset me, I still went out and had a great time with Brandon at the movies. Might have even been better if Bobby Jinette wasn't there. But...you know...whatever.
I found out something about myself tonight that I didn't know before. Well, maybe I knew it, but just refused to believe it, you know? I think....I think I have a crush on Brandon. Like...a REAL honest to God 'crush' on him. I feel so GUILTY about it though. Usually, I have no problem having feelings about Jamie Cross, or AJ, or Lee, or anybody. I don't even feel guilty when I think about Sam like that. But...for some stupid reason that I can't really explain...thoughts about Brandon seem to drive me completely CRAZY! It's like...it's suddenly become 'naughty' to look at him and feel that undeniable attraction for everything about him. And I'm not talking about his cute butt, or his beautiful eyes, or even his sweet laugh. When I say 'everything'...I literally mean 'everything'. The very essence of him makes me feel good all over. I guess I just realized that tonight for the first time. Kinda weird. Why am I even being like this? I HAVE a boyfriend! I have a GIRLFRIEND! What the hell makes me think I'm entitled to be all cuddled up beside Brandon too? Besides...he's too....too precious for me to be lusting over like the rest of them. He's more than some stupid wet dream that I can come home and jack off about. He's like...he's priceless. He's COOL. And he's a good friend. So why does it hurt so damn much to even THINK about him being alone with Bobby Jinette? Sigh...sometimes I just don't get myself.
Anyway, needless to say, I found myself being jealous most of the night. It was crazy. It was like I was constantly trying to show Bobby how close me and Brandon were, and how he was just...'second place'. Every time he made I joke, I had to make two. Every time he talked to him, I talked to him twice as much. And when he touched Brandon...even in the most playful ways? I felt my stomach tighten, and I'd actually get MAD! I tried to keep smiling and stuff, but I was seriously getting mad. At one point, I actually smacked Bobby's hand away and said, "Quit TOUCHING him already!" I tried to make it look like I was just kidding around, but it must have looked awfully weird to the both of them. I'm just...I don't even know what to expect of myself anymore when it comes to this situation.
I made it a point to walk a certain way so that when we entered the theater to sit down, I was sitting directly between them. I needed to keep them apart. No contact, no time alone, no extensive conversation. I might have been a jerk tonight, but it was a necessary precaution. At least for now. And you know what? Bobby was still cool about it. He didn't let on all that much. It was almost disgusting, how nice he was being to me while I was busy foiling his dastardly plan to get into Brandon's pants. I ended up giving him the cold shoulder most of the night, covering it all up with an occasional warm smile. By the time we left, I was almost sure that he had gotten the message.
On the way home, Bobby said he had a great time, and got off of the bus before we did. But then, right before leaving, he looks right passed me to Brandon and smiles. And he says, "Tonight was great, dude. We'll do it again soon." NOT to ME! But to HIM! And ONLY him! Like....like they were all alone in there or something. And what's that big goofy fucking SMILE about? This WON'T be happening again soon. Not if *I* have anything to say about it.
The rest of the trip home, Brandon was just...well...Brandon. He had a good time, and I probably could have had a good time too if I wasn't being so mean and calculating about keeping them apart. But...just seeing him grin and feel good...it did wonders for my heart. I don't even know where a crush like this even CAME from! This kinda thing sneaks up on you without letting you know just how powerful it is until it's almost too late to approach the situation with any level of sanity. It's not cool. But it feels good. REALLY good.
You probably think that I'm gonna get all hard and horny over Brandon now and jack off while thinking about the two of us in some hot passionate embrace. But I'm not. I refuse. I'm gonna do my best to keep 'that stuff' off of my mind concerning him. I just...I like him, ok? I seriously just wanna hold him close to me sometimes. That's not weird is it? Ah well, whatever. I'm going to bed. G'night.
- Somedays...when you think you're going to just live through your normal existence and not have anything to worry about...everything flip flops on you. My day was a total dud. It wasn't really bad I guess, just not what I was expecting.
I had been sorta stressing over spending some time with Joanna and decided to make it out to the mall. AJ said he wasn't going to be around this weekend anyway. Which is kind of a relief to be honest. After last weekend, I was a bit...'scared' that he'd try to stick his thingy in me again. I know, I know...I should be more mature about this and give up a little bit of my so called 'comfort' so that we could be happy...but I wasn't looking forward to it. I shouldn't have stopped practicing with my finger. It's just that after he tried it, I kinda lost my curiosity and excitement about it all. I guess I should try to loosen myself up again. I don't get it. In the stories I've read, EVERYBODY loves anal sex. And most of the time, those boys have 9 inch monster penises made of oak or something being shoved up their asses. Why isn't it the same for me? Ugh...I'm such a baby.
So anyway, we all got together. Me and Joanna, Sam and Lee and Ted. I was kinda surprised that Sam came, considering that we had an argument just yesterday, but I guess he's made a habit out of being there on Saturday's So we hit the mall, and it's all the same. Same stores, same people, same mall pop music playing the same satellite radio hits. But we didn't really seem 'together' this time. It was like everybody was on their own agenda today. Joanna asked me where I was last night, because she evidently tried to call me or something. I told her about the movie with Brandon and Bobby, and she thought it was sweet. So then I asked what she did last night, and she kinda just shrugged her shoulders. So I'm like, "I'm sorry. I probably should've asked you if you wanted to go with us."
But then she says, "No, that's ok. I went out anyway. I just came home kinda early is all, so I called you. I wanted to talk. Nothing important." And I asked where she went, she's like, "Just out with a friend to get some pizza." And I asked who she went with, and she said, "You know...just with a friend." And that was kinda the end of it. What was that about? Any other time I couldn't get her to STOP talking about stuff like this, but these past few weeks, it's like interrogating a terrorist SPY just to get her to tell me what's on her mind.
Oh, and Lee was getting this really strong vibe from this girl at the mall too. She was absolutely beautiful. Like, SUPERMODEL beautiful, and maybe a year or two older than us. And she was totally staring at him! Like...she wanted his bod pretty bad! Something like that always makes me incredibly nervous, but Lee seemed to suck it all up. When she got close enough to us, he said hello, and actually walked over to TALK to her! He's so brave. It's like he doesn't care about embarrassing himself, you know? Well, naturally, his charm and his sense of humor were a big hit with her and she ended up giving him her phone number. Not that his fucking cute face and hot body didn't have her sold already. And he was totally mellow about the whole thing. I kinda envy his ability to just...always be himself no matter who he's talking to. He can be just as funny and just as outgoing with a total stranger as he can be with his best friends. And I've never been able to accomplish that. I salute him for that. Even though, deep down, he was kinda ruining the awesome illusion that I had created of him as a sweet-faced gay boy just waiting to be discovered. It was a fantasy that I had come up with a long time ago, and it got worse after the half naked webcam pics he sent me. I guess, somewhere in my mixed up mind, I was kinda hoping. Ah well...we lose another sweetheart to the 'other' side.
At one point during the day, Ted disappeared on us. Then Sam kinda ducked out of a store while I was looking at something. And Joanna wandered off sometime shortly after that. With all of this and Lee flirting with this girl from the mall...I found myself actually walking around ALONE for almost a half hour. Like I said, this day was really whacked. Then...it happened.
I go back by the arcade (I mean, I'm ALONE and all, I might as well entertain myself) and I see AJ walking past the food court with a tray. I didn't know he was gonna be there. I walk over to go say hi, but just as I get there and open my mouth, I see another boy walk up next to him. Another boy??? Am I missing something here? It was like my bloodstream had suddenly filled up with ice, and I didn't know what to do with myself. AJ grinned and said, "Hey, Billy. What's up? This is Scott. Scott, this is Billy."
I just stood there. But Scott relieved me a bit by at least saying, "Billy Chase? Aw cool, I've heard so much about you, man." So at least AJ mentioned me. At least he KNOWS that he has a boyfriend. Right? So I shouldn't be turning green with jealousy right now, right? Scott was really cute, and he had this sort of effeminate voice. Even more so than AJ. So it wasn't like I had no reason to be suspicious.
"We met online. So we decided to just get together and hang out for the day." AJ told me. "Remember? I said I was meeting up with a friend." A friend. Sure. A 'friend'. I nodded, and we all shared a very brief, very uncomfortable conversation...and then AJ was like, "Well, we've gotta go. So, I'll give you a call you later, k?"
"Tonight?" I ask him.
And he's all like..."Um, no...not tonight. Maybe tomorrow though. Cool?" Which really HURT, you know? But I'm probably just all worried about nothing. I always worry about nothing. I mean, AJ DID say he was meeting a friend, and he DID tell him about me, and if he wanted to cheat on me...I doubt he'd come to the mall where he knows I shop all the time. Besides, he didn't seem nervous or suspicious at all. So I'm just gonna try to forget about this as much as possible. For NOW, anyway.
So, you see? It wasn't really a BAD day, so to speak. It was just...not a good day. And it's mostly because I think about random stuff too much. I should really stop that. I'm not usually this much of a jealous person. It just...happens sometimes. Anyway, I've gotta go. My dad is cooking dinner tonight, and I kinda told him I'd help. Things have been great lately. I even heard him and mom laughing one time tonight. So maybe this whole stupid divorce thing was a fluke after all. Just like I thought it would be. Something else I shouldn't have worried myself about. Life isn't always that cruel. I'm confident things will be alright in the end. I know they will.