- I just finished trying to call AJ for the THIRD time today, and he still won't pick up the goddamn phone! What's his fucking PROBLEM, anyway? Why won't he call me back? He could at least call me and let me know how he is or tell me how he's doing. Is that too much to ask from my so-called 'boyfriend'? Arrrgh! Maybe....maybe he's just not home right now. Maybe he's just out somewhere. Right? Who knows? Maybe I'm just spazzing out over nothing. Sighhh....I wish he would call, or write me an email, or SOMETHING! Just so I can figure out whether or not....we're still ok. You know?That's all I wanna know. After seeing him with Scott at the mall...I just...I just wanna hear his voice. You know? Something to let me know that I haven't suddenly been 'replaced' by Mr. Pretty Pants over there. Scott was like...obviously gay, and he had this short buzzcut dark hair, which really made his big brown eyes look beautiful And he was really kinda slim and swishy. He was even more trim than I was. I bet AJ thinks about having sex with him. I would. I bet they're probably screwing right now. All twisted up and naked. Arrrrgh...FUCK! I tried not to let this bother me...but I can't help it! This is like an empty fucking hole in my chest! Okay...I'm gonna wait until I count back from ten, and then I'm gonna try to call him again. Starting...now.
Ok, that's it. I'm calling!
Shit...STILL no answer! I'll try again in a few minutes.
Anyway, I went to see Jimmy today at the hospital. It had been so long that I kinda felt bad for even stepping into that place. More than anything, I just wanted to somehow 'bend time' to make today and the last day that I was there touch somehow, so it wouldn't seem like it had been so long since my last visit.
Something this time was different though. He was really sad today. Even with his medications and stuff, he just seemed to feel really bad. I could see it in his eyes even when he tried to cover it up by looking away from me. And he told me, "Billy....I'm really sorry that I made you feel guilty by calling you the other day. That was shitty of me." Which, is like, totally not the reason that I visited him today. Because I would have come back eventually anyway. So I deny it, and he starts to cry a little bit. I thought I said something wrong! I'm thinking, like, what did I DO, you know? Jimmy said, "You really don't have to come see me if you don't want to, Billy. I won't force you, ok? I promise. I just really needed somebody to talk to today."
I'm not even sure where this is coming from. So I tell him, "I didn't come because I felt guilty. I came because I'm you're friend, Jimmy. And because I care about you." And you know what? It was the truth I didn't want to see Jimmy LaPlane in any pain. Ever. Maybe that was the hard part in all of this. Maybe that's what was keeping me away from this place. I'll be honest...I HATED to see Jimmy cry! I HATED to see him hate himself soooo much that he'd put himself in the hospital just to stop the pain. It cut a big gaping hole in my heart to bear witness to his tears after knowing about all that he's been through. And every minute that I spent in that place, watching him countdown to the day when he tries to do it again...gave me the creeps. It terrified me to think that I might involve myself emotionally with somebody that isn't going to be around for much longer. I'm scared to invest that kind of feeling in someone that's really going to end up hurting me in the end. But the truth is, I wanted to be there for him. Not because I HAD to be....but because he needed me. And I made the choice to do it. I didn't tell him all that, of course. I suppose a horde of my more heterosexual genes rush to the surface when it comes to mushy things like affection and general 'yuckiness' in these non-romantic situations. But...for what it's worth, I'm glad that I didn't wait another week to go see him. Seeing him cry like that...he really needed a friend. And I'm glad that I could be that light for him in the dark. Just for a little while.
Wait...it's been almost five minutes. I'm gonna try to call AJ again. He might be home now. I know it's kinda like stalker behavior, and I don't wanna be creepy, but I've got a feeling he just walked through the door. Be right back.
ARRRGH!!! Why isn't he picking up? WHY? Can't he even talk to me? I'll bet he's sitting at home watching the caller ID and not picking up the phone on purpose. I'll bet he's rolling his eyes every time he sees my name! This is SO not fair! I mean, what did I do wrong? I tell him I love him all the time! What's the matter with him? I bet it's because I didn't let him fuck me. STUPID! I KNEW it! I bet SCOTT would let him do it. He's one of those girly guys that LOVES it in the ass, I'm sure. I wonder if they're doing it right now. I really do. Ouch...I've really gotta stop thinking like this. It hurts WAY too much. There's probably a perfectly good explanation for why AJ hasn't called me back yet. So I'm making this all up in my head and being weird. Still...I think I'm gonna block my number next time so he can't see my name. I wonder if he'll pick up then. We'll just see!
I'll wait a few minutes first though.
Well...back to Jimmy. There were some times when he seemed normal enough, even a few times when he seemed to look really bright in the eyes and happy. I sat in a chair next to his bed, and he told me to sit in the bed with him with a grin, so I did. And he cuddled up to me and giggled, saying, "This is so cool. You know, sometimes, I seriously can't even believe you're here with me." But he didn't say it in a strange, love stricken kinda way. It was just a friendly expression of how he felt, you know? So we talked, and played cards for a while. I got whipped in poker at least five times in a row before I gave up. Those times were the best.
But...there were other times, while I was there...when Jimmy would say something out of the blue, and it would kinda depress him all over again out of nowhere. His smile would droop, and he'd get quiet and just look at his cards. And a couple of times, I could see his eyes watering up. I got a little scared when he did that. It reminded us where we were, and what he did to himself to get in there. So I'd try to change the subject and cheer him up again...but it would only be ten or fifteen minutes before he was on the verge of tears again. I didn't know what to do. I didn't know if anyone could really help him at this point. I mean...the world is a pretty shitty place...and high school is even WORSE. It's kind of a hard place to 'defend' when it comes to someone who doesn't 'fit' the way everyone expects them to. How can one person be so sad? And what could somebody like ME possibly do to make him feel better. I feel so helpless. SO helpless.
All in all, I was glad to see him, and promised not to be so long coming back again. He told me I didn't have to promise to visit, but I did it anyway. I even gave him a little kiss on the lips before I left. Hehehe, which really surprised him! The smile on his face was SO big! And he turned REALLY red in the cheeks. I think I embarrassed him or something, but he liked it. I hope he's gonna be alright. I really do.
I'm still thinking about calling AJ again, but I'm gonna wait a bit longer this time. I don't wanna be too weird about it.
I also talked to Sam on the phone for a few minutes, but he was being nervous and strange for some odd reason. He hardly said anything to me at all. Then, after just two or three minutes, he's all like, "I've gotta go, dude." Which isn't like him at all. He usually talks for a bit longer than that. Maybe him and his mom are having troubles again. Who knows with him? Either way, it was a short conversation.
I got online for a while, and tried to chat with Lee for a little bit, but his computer was acting up. So there was this long delay between comments, and he finally just said, "You know what? Can I just call you? Because this thing is pissing me off." And we talked on the phone for a bit. You know....he sounds even CUTER on the phone than he does in person! You can literally hear his smile when he talks and jokes around. I could practically see his wacky gestures and everything. He's probably one of the most entertaining boys that I know. Hands down. He talked about that girl from the mall, and how long he was gonna wait until he called her so he didn't look desperate. Which led into a whole...'straight boy' conversation about girls and stuff. Which I was sorta into it, and sorta NOT into it. I think it just excited me a bit to hear him talk about girls, you know? But the more hetero he got, the more it kinda dug into me. Awwww....he's too cute to be straight. That sucks. More than anything, I think I was a bit jealous. I mean...Lee is 'normal'. He's the epitome of how things are supposed to go. He's cute, and he's funny, and he's outgoing, and he gets good grades, and he's got tons of friends, and he likes girls. He's the poster boy for what every parent wants their son to be. If I could just be a fraction of the guy he was...I think I'd be so much happier. Ah well...who needs thoughts like these, huh?
Ok....I think I'm gonna try AJ ONE more time tonight, and then I'll leave him alone for the rest of the night. I hope he answers. Please God...make him answer me. Anyway, I'll write more tomorrow. Later.
- As I sit here on my bedroom floor, holed up in my room again all alone, I'm forced to think about just how bad things can get in my life before they get better. And it terrifies me. What's got me so flustered today? Well...tonight, I saw my dad putting some of his clothes from the hall closet in a suitcase. I had kinda written this whole divorce situation off as some kind of stress induced hallucination. But it hasn't necessarily 'gone away'. Not yet anyway. When I asked him what he was doing and why, he was all calm about it. Like he was just packing up some stuff to put in the garage or something. I mean, come on! Is this not as horrendously SERIOUS for him as it is for me??? Is this not the total destruction of my family unit here? When I told him not to go and not to pack anything else up, he says, "Billy, sport...I thought you understood." FUCK NO, I don't fucking understand! They were just laughing a few nights ago! Why is he so determined to leave us? I don't get this whole situation at all! Not at ALL!
So, I'm locked up in my room, my dad is transporting some of his stuff to God knows where, and I'm writing my private fucked up thoughts in this damn book again. By the way, I'm pretty sure at this point that my mom didn't read it. So that's a big sigh of relief. She would have said something by now, I'm sure of it.
High on the list....Brandon. I talked to him outside today before school. I saw him dropping his bike off, and we were both, like, fifteen minutes early or something. So instead of running into the school for no reason, we just decided to stand outside and talk for a while. It was one of those cloudy days that seems really cool when you look at it. You know...when it looks like it might rain, but you know for sure that it won't. Anyway, while we were talking he mentioned Bobby Jinette, and said that he's been emailing a lot with him lately. I didn't know about that. Sighhhh...I try not to be the envious type, but it kinda hurt to hear Brandon tell me that. There's no real way for me to interrupt or block an 'internet relationship', is there? So Bobby seems to have found a way around my blatant interference. The only thing I can do now is hope that Brandon isn't gay and turns him down once he gets up the nerve to ask him out or something.
Brandon said, "Bobby's really cool, you know that? I like him a lot." Which was basically stomping my heart into the floor to hear the words leave his mouth. Then he asks me, "Don't you think so?"
Now...this is TOTALLY my chance to badmouth him and completely ruin Bobby's pristine image in the eyes of the prettiest boy in school. But for some stupid reason, more for Brandon's sake than Bobby's, I just nodded my head and agreed with him. "Yeah, I guess he's alright."
Well, he seems to think that his friendship with Bobby is growing into something more concrete. At least that's the impression I got from the way he was talking. Especially when he said, "It's just awesome, you know? Kinda like you and Sam in a way." And that was really out of the blue, mentioning Sam to me, making me feel even worse. I don't want him and Bobby to be that close. Not EVER. Oh Brandon...wake up dude. He's trying to lick you all over your hot body, can't you see that? How can somebody so beautiful not expect everybody who's being THIS nice to him to not be head over heels in love with him? Maybe because...Brandon isn't really aware of his own beauty like he should be. I think that's the sexiest thing about him. I'm sure Bobby does too. The jerk.
I told him that Sam and I had known each other for a long time and that it was different. So Brandon came out and asked me how long we had been together. And I said, "Like...since we were little kids. We do everything together." I was hoping the comment would separate what Sam and I had, and what he and Bobby had. I think it worked, because he stopped talking for a bit. He's so damn pretty. You look at him, and it's not a big sexual shockwave that goes through you. It's more like this subtle warm massage of emotion that comes from staring at how utterly gorgeous God made him. Sometimes, it's a struggle to keep from reaching out just to touch him.
"Sam really doesn't like me. I can tell." He said.
And I'm like, "Sometimes, I don't think he likes me too much either." I smiled, hoping to get him to lighten up on the idea. But he stayed pretty serious.
He's like, "I hope I didn't get in the way of you guys or anything. I'd stay out of it if you wanted me to."
And I'm like, "He's really not so bad. He just doesn't know you like I do, Brandon. He can be kinda harsh on people he doesn't know. That's all." I don't think it made him feel any better, but he tried to smile anyway.
THEN...much to my surprise, Brandon breaks a short silence by telling me, "Well, Bobby said he has tickets for some weird band named 'Skaur' this weekend. Like, metal stuff. He asked me if I wanted to go." Argh! Why is he telling me this stuff? I'd rather not know about how effectively his heart was being viciously yanked out of my desperate clutches.
So I say, "Are you going?" REALLY hoping that he'll say no!
And he says, "It's not really my thing, but....I dunno. Maybe. It might be fun. Bobby's...um...'fun'." He's even cute when he shrugs his shoulders. Geez...I notice the tiniest and stupidest things about Brandon sometimes.
I thought about taking a shot at stopping him from going. I honestly did. I thought about badmouthing the band, or Bobby, or inviting him to do something else instead. I even had this evil urge to totally 'out' Bobby right then and there. Put suspicion in Brandon's mind so that he'd react badly to being hit on by another guy. But...I was scared of what that might mean. Because, hate it or love it...Bobby and I were in the same boat. And if Brandon allowed the naturally implanted homophobic tendencies, which exist in practically EVERY teenage boy on the planet, to shy away from Bobby....then he'd be shying away from me too eventually. I just don't know what to do. So I told him to have fun and tell me about when he got back. Then I grabbed my stuff to go inside a few minutes early. I don't know...I like him, but this is a bit too 'real' for me right now. Sigh, and sometimes being lost in an unreal fantasy over somebody is a million times better than taking the risk of trying to make it real.
Oh, Sam called me back again today. I was hoping that he'd be a bit more 'not crazy' than he has been lately. But he basically just said that we should go out to the Hill tomorrow after school. Just to talk. FINALLY! I think that's the first sane thing he's said to me in weeks! So I'm looking forward to going out there tomorrow and getting in touch with my best friend again. I've gotta admit, I missed him. Even through all of this insanity...I missed him.
That's it for now. I'm going to bed. It seems so quiet in this house with my dad gone. But I've still got a bag full of 'denial' on my side. So I'm not buying it until the last minute. And even THEN, somebody better come up with some damn good evidence that this is even happening to me.
No messages from AJ yet. And my heart is beginning to implode as I'm starting to get the idea that I've been officially 'dumped'. But, like I said, I've got denial on my side. It's the only thing keeping me afloat right now. I just hope I can get a little sign to renew my faith soon. VERY soon!
- Is it possible to really want to cry, NEED to cry, and not have the ability? I think that's how I feel today.
I could sit here in my room, and write about still not hearing a single word from my boyfriend...or is that my EX-boyfriend? I don't know. I could tell you how much it hurts, or how much it's killing me to think of him and that 'Scott' boy being all wrapped up in each other naked somewhere. Sure...'just friends'. Gay teenage boys meeting on the internet are NOT just friends. It's a place for boys to 'hook-up'. And he's probably taking my place in his bed at this very moment. Yeah...I could write about how much damage that's doing to me in every possible way...but that's not what this journal entry is really about.
I could write about how little I talked to Brandon today. Hearing that he accepted Bobby's offer to go out this weekend was just heartbreaking for me. And I just...I didn't want to look at him today. I wasn't mad really Well...maybe I was, just a little bit. But more than anything, it just sucked to be sitting close to him and feel like I was a million miles away at the same time. But...that's not what this entry is about either.
I could talk about Lee finally calling that girl on the phone, or Simon giving me a dirty look in the cafeteria today, or my math teacher giving me a 'D' on my last exam. But none of that stuff even matters right now. Because that's not why I want to cry.
Well...it's official. Sam and I went out to the Hill today. The same place we always go to when we wanted to hang out since we were old enough to cross the street by ourselves. Our own private place away from the whole world. He was acting strange and fidgeting a lot, and we started talking..and then...well......he told me the truth. He told me why he's been acting so damn weird lately.
It seems that Sam and Joanna have kinda...sorta...'fallen' for one other.
And as much as I tried to protect myself from the idea by saying that that was just a stupid lie...it all began to make sense. Them hanging out on Saturdays, and the study sessions, the weird way Sam has been acting so guilty around me, the way Joanna cringes when I try to hug or kiss her when he's around...how could I have been such a fucking IDIOT??? They disappear at the mall together, Sam hangs out with 'friends' I don't know, Joanna hangs out with 'friends' I don't know...it was right there in front of my fucking face the whole time! And I let it happen.
But what hurt most of all was...my best friend on Earth fucking BETRAYED me! He stole my girlfriend away from me, and was seeing her behind my back for God knows HOW long! The whole time they've been smiling in my face, and getting away with it. I think that was the worst part of it all. I asked Sam point blank..."Did you kiss her?" He looked down at his shoes, and he nodded. I'm like, "A lot?" He nodded again. And then I asked, "She feels the same way?" And this time when he nodded, I felt the world constrict around my heart and my throat simultaneously. I wanted to hit him. SERIOUSLY! I had to fight REALLY hard to keep from hitting him!!! It hurt soooo much! I couldn't even find a curse word strong enough to hurt him with. I just....I gritted my teeth, and I shoved him as hard as I could. "You ASSHOLE!!! You FUCKING asshole!!!" I shouted, and kept pushing him in the chest. I could have KILLED him! If I had started swinging at that moment, I would have murdered him for sure, right there in the park. But I was too disgusted to even look at him. I just...I left. I got my shit, and I stormed off.
That's it. I don't ever want to speak to Sam again. After ALL that we've been through together, a whole LIFETIME of memories...he goes and does something like THIS??? How low is that? I'm done. Fuck him, it's over between us.
You know...I don't even want to write anymore tonight. I'm pressing on this pen so hard that it's practically ripping a hole in the page anyway. I'm gonna stop now while I can still concentrate on NOT breaking Sam's fucking neck for what he did to me. G'night.
Oh...what do you know? It looks like I can cry after all.
- Billy (Now completely sad..............and all alone)