- You wanna know the absolutely worst part about being dumped by another boy? Besides the obvious heartbreak and a fucking harsh level of self pity that feels like it comes from the depths of hell itself. It's the 'waiting'. Those long LONG hours of waiting! When you really just wanna give up hope of things going back to the way they were, and can start the emotionally draining healing process...but you CAN'T! You can't because there's no real proof that it's actually over. So you hold on until you get the hint. Until it's all official. See...boys don't just come out and tell you it's over. That's what girls do. Boys just kinda fucking ignore you until you finally 'go away' and they don't have to deal with you anymore. It's like...all guilt gets erased from the moment they detach themselves from you, and from there, they can logically be mad at you for still holding a torch for them when they have so OBVIOUSLY dropped their feelings for you. So they huff and puff and roll their eyes and keep avoiding you until your heart is so battered and broken that it just can't TAKE anymore. Kinda like being dragged behind a truck until your fingers break off and you're so unable to hang on that you get tossed to the side of the fucking road. That's what it feels like. That's the kinda mind state I'm in right now.
AJ still hasn't called me back, and I haven't called him either. As if you couldn't figure that out. I know he's been seeing my phone number on his caller ID, so what's the point of making him hate me even worse by being weird, right? I know he heard the messages I left on his machine. He knows where I am and where to find me. So...I guess...it's just...over. Which hurts, but at least I had some sex. Right? I mean...I can kinda be happy about that, right? Ah shit...I wonder if giving my virginity to a boy who basically just 'stole' it away from me and left me for dead is going to do some kinda weird traumatic damage to my life further down the line. God, I hope not. I'd hate to think that this is going to be the inescapable pattern of my every relationship throughout the rest of my existence. Who knows? Maybe it'll get better. But, so far, I'm not off to such a great start. After the screw up with Simon, the basic 'rejection' from Brandon, and being simultaneously dumped by both AJ AND Joanna...the future looks pretty damn bleak.
I should probably be howling with wracking sobs by now, and curling up into the fetal position in a corner somewhere. But I'm not. I don't understand why though. Maybe it's because my mind hasn't really accepted the real 'intensity' of the situation yet. Right now, it's just like this dull, never-ending, ache in my heart...drawing out frowny faces, long looks off into space, and an occasional rain of tears here and there, as it sees fit. Not quite the kind of wild panic that I expected, but still pretty bad. I dread the day when I let go of those last few strings of hope and my emotions all come crashing down on me at once. That's gonna hurt! BIG time!
I had to go to school today. But when it came to my traitorous "best friend" and his new girlfriend...I just couldn't stomach it. I didn't wanna look at them, didn't wanna see them, didn't wanna THINK about them...if I had the power to wish them out of existence like an old Twilight Zone episode, I would have. And the longer I sat in that same school building with them, the more my anger grew by leaps and bounds. I seriously hated both of them. I didn't sit with them at lunch, I just disappeared. Coming out of the lunch line, I saw them sitting at the table, looking uncomfortable as though I was gonna go over there and give them a piece of my mind. And a part of me wanted to. But an even bigger part of me didn't want to give them the satisfaction of knowing that I gave a fuck. I just wanted to vanish, and let them feel my absence so badly that they'd realize what they lost by screwing me over this way. So I didn't even acknowledge them. Fuck 'em! I hope it truly makes them miserable.
What hurts even more was the fact that this secret affair was basically 'out in the open' now. The hardest person that they had to tell about it was me. So it would only be a matter of time before Sam and Joanna became a public item. Soon everybody in school will see them together and know what a lame boyfriend I was to Joanna. And what a fucking SUCKER I was to let my best damn friend on the PLANET steal her away from me like that! I think answering the questions from gossip hounds about what happened will be the dagger that pierces my heart the worst. Sighhh...I SO didn't want to be there today. I just wanted to slip into a coma and wake up when I was 30 and could deal with these things a lot better.
Maybe it's my fault for cheating. Technically, I was having sex with AJ all along, so I WAS cheating on Joanna. Then again, I was making out with Joanna too, so I was cheating on AJ too. Maybe this is God's way of sending me a harshly ironic punishment for both offenses. Owww...I think this feeling is getting progressively worse as I write this.
Anyway, that's all I feel like writing today. Besides, my dad didn't even sleep here tonight, and it's freaking me out a little bit to not have him around. Even though I spend most of my time closing my bedroom door to keep my parents out of my life as much as possible...I always knew that they were just outside, in the other room if I needed them. I don't have that safety net this time.
Whatever. Life sucks sooooo much...and I don't really even want to be conscious right now. So I'm gonna try to go to bed early. The faster this day is over, the better.
- OMIGOD!!! OMIGOD!!! OMIGOD!!! AJ called!!! HE CALLED ME!!! He said he was SO sorry for not talking to me in so long, but he went to visit his sick gramma for a few days on the outskirts of town, and didn't have any real privacy! You can't IMAGINE what a relief this is for me! It like....completely brightened up my whole LIFE!!! Jesus..I really WAS making it all up in my head! Thank God! I kept apologizing to him over and over again! I was sooooo sorry for thinking bad things about him and accusing him of something he didn't do. He asked me why I had called so many times. He said it with that cute little giggle of his, and I nearly cried. I told him that I thought he had dumped me for somebody else. And you know what he said? He said, "I'd never get rid of my 'tasty boy', hehehe!" Ohhhhhh...I'm seriously MELTING here just writing that out! So we talked for about 20 minutes, and then he just came right out and said, "I missed you, Billy. I really did. Listen..um...my mom is going to a PTA meeting tomorrow at my school...so...you wanna come over or something? Just for a little while? We should have about two hours or so to ourselves." Wow...he's asking me over! I didn't even TRY to hold back my enthusiasm! I gave him a VERY happy 'yes', and told him I'd be there! So...it looks like me and my BOYFRIEND have a 'date' tomorrow. Hehehe! I swear, when I hung up that phone, I rolled back on my bed and kicked my legs up in the air frantically while laughing to myself. That literally catapulted me out of the worst mood ever. I'm serious. I LOVE that boy!
And that's not the only bit of good news either. My dad came back in the house tonight. He even ate dinner with us, so things seemed a little bit better. It was good to see him, even if I did notice a tiny bit of tension at dinner table while he was there. You know, where he and my mom didn't talk to each other all that much, only took turns talking to me. It was a strange feeling. It was like...the people I always new as my parents had suddenly become a pair of mediocre actors merely playing my parents in a bad performance. A fictitious scene from a play without reason, for a one man audience who didn't get the punch line. But I did my best to ignore it all. I didn't want to say or do the wrong thing, ruining the delicate balance of a well meaning interaction. It became more important than anything to make myself absolutely perfect in every way. Just to keep them from fighting....about ANYTHING. So I was all 'good grades' and 'good day at school' and 'finished my homework'. And everything turned out pretty good. My dad didn't stay long after dinner, but he DID watch some TV with us on the couch. Then he ruffled my hair a bit with a smile and took off for the night. He DID give my mom a kiss on the cheek at the door. So THAT'S good, right? I'm taking that as a good sign. Maybe this IS just a separation. And maybe it's working itself out already That would be AWESOME!
Even school was a bit more bearable than yesterday. I didn't even bother going to the cafeteria today. Instead I just brought a couple of peanut butter and jelly sandwiches and took them upstairs to the open study hall. So I was able to pretty much keep them all out of my thoughts all day. I did spot Sam and Joanna walking together in the hall after Gym...and yeah, it really hurt me to see it. I tried to turn the pain off, but it hit me too hard to really dismiss the feeling. What's even more confusing, is that I didn't know who I was more jealous of. Sam for getting to kiss and make out with MY girlfriend...the prettiest girl in school? Or Joanna for getting the chance to kiss the sweet pink lips of the boy I've been secretly having fantasies about since I was old enough to even work out what a sexual fantasy WAS.
Whatever....I'm disgusted with them both. And as long as I remember that, it'll hurt just a little bit less. Not much.....but a little.
Also even though I wouldn't dare tell anybody what happened...I think Melissa knows about the Joanna situation. I guess that 'girl talk' thing is an even more effective network than I had originally thought. She kinda gave me this weird sympathetic look today every time she talked to me. And she rubbed my back a few times. I don't know how she found out unless Joanna told her. But she was being really nice to me today. Exceptionally nice. She even bought me some Nutter Butter cookies from the vending machine downstairs and gave them to me. At least she's being somewhat understanding of how I might feel about all of this. At least SOMEBODY is!
But that's another story. The day has been going fantastic, and I don't wanna jinx it by depressing myself right before bedtime. So I'm signing off, and I'm SURE I'll have some sexy details to write in here tomorrow! SWEET!!! I can't wait! Adios!
- Sighhh.....this afternoon went EXACTLY like I dreamed it would. Well...sorta. Ok, maybe not EXACTLY...but I'm NOT complaining at all! I just....I went with it, and I think I feel pretty good.
Anyway, before I get to me and AJ...a few other things in school. First of all...Joanna slid a note into my locker that said that she wanted to talk to me. She even had the nerve to draw a little heart on it and say, "Please?" afterwards. Psh! Whatever. I tore it up and threw it down on the floor right in front of my locker. What the fuck does she have to talk to ME about? She should have been talking to me when she was tongue kissing Sam at the fucking mall! I hope she comes by and sees her stupid note all ripped up in front of her FACE! She can't just break my heart and steal my best friend away without consequences. It's too late to 'talk' now. So...despite the useless gesture on her part, it felt good to know that she was worried enough to want to know how I felt. I think I'll just let them dangle for a bit longer before I even give them enough energy to curse them both out. Right now, I HAVE somebody who loves me. And they can keep each other. I don't need either one of them.
Another satisfying thing that happened today...Simon dropped his books down the stairs because he was shuffling through his backpack and it rolled over. I could have just stepped on his books and kept walking, but some stupid part of my conscience wouldn't let me. So...I got down on one knee..and I helped him pick them up. I shouldn't have, I know. After the hurt he put me through just disowning me out of nowhere like that...I should have pulled my dick out and fucking PISSED on them! But I guess it was my day to be somewhat forgiving. It was only TEMPORARY though. So anyway, I helped him out, and he's all like "Thanks." But it was, like...sooo fake. He didn't mean it. I'm sure of it. But whatever. It's not like I did it for HIM anyway. We parted ways without saying anything else. It's a small thing, but I put it in my memory banks for some odd reason. I felt it was necessary to write it down somewhere.
NOW...on to FUN stuff!
I went over to AJ's house today like we planned, and we had more MINDBLOWING sex! Hehehe! God it felt good. He tastes soooo sweet! His whole body tastes sweet! And he's SO slim that when he squirms and wiggles around, it's like you have to hold on tight so you don't slip off of him.
Hehehe! I licked him almost everywhere, and he loved it. I think he was extra horny today too. We got into it before we even shut the door all the way, and we did it right there on his living room floor. I dunno..there was something sorta 'hot' about doing it there. I mean, if his mom had come home early, she would have opened the door and caught an eyeful of hot homo teenage mating! But that made it kinda cool, you know? It gave me a chill whenever I heard a sound outside or in the house. We'd have to stop and listen for a sec, and then get back into it. We lasted a long time between orgasms that way.
I swear, I couldn't wait to get his pants and boxers off that first time. I hated to stop kissing him, but I felt like I just HAD to suck him off...I really did! My heart was pounding soooo hard in my chest, and I missed him so much, and I just...I wanted this to be the best blowjob EVER! So when I got down there, and he was stretched out on the carpet, I sucked him so hard that I started making these really loud and obscene slurping sounds with my mouth. Hahaha, it made AJ giggle through his moans, and it was so cute that it made me moan and giggle too in response. I kissed and licked and sucked on his warm tender thighs, and on his balls for a long time too. And then underneath them. Mmmmmm...you know...right there where his legs connect. Which made him feel really good, and tasted like HEAVEN to me! I licked inside his cute little belly button, and kissed his abs, which flexed gently whenever I tickled him with my tongue. He tasted soooo good all over. You have no idea!
But, before he came close to letting go in my mouth, he says, "Wait...I wanna do you now. K?" And I was all for it, so I sat up on the floor with my back against the couch, and he sucked me into his mouth. His tongue was like...everywhere on me. And I was wiggling further and further down until I was laying with my back flat on the carpet. I had my hands in AJ's hair...which is just soooo soft. And he was rubbing me all over on my stomach and my sides while he was sucking me. Everything felt awesome for a while....until I saw him suck his own finger into his mouth for a second to get it wet. Because I kinda knew what that meant. I tensed up, not wanting him to stop, but...not wanting him to go any further either, you know? I tried to relax and just enjoy his hot mouth on me, but soon, his finger started playing around my asshole again. I opened my eyes and clenched up a little bit, hoping to give him a subtle hint. But he just pushed a little harder, and did this thing with his tongue that really just drove me crazy as he sucked me off. So I kinda had no choice but to relax, you know? And that's when AJ pushed his finger in. Just a little bit at first, and then some more. I guess it wasn't so bad, since it was just his middle finger. And he was sucking me soooo good that it didn't really hurt all that much. Then he pushed further, and it burned a little bit. He kept pushing, and wiggling his finger around inside me...a really weird feeling. Especially the way HE was doing it. He kept trying to get me into it, moaning and rubbing my thigh and all...but honestly....it still hurt a little bit.
So...he takes me out of his mouth, and he's like, "God, Billy...I love you so much. Please....please let me fuck you again? Oh baby...I wanna fuck you so bad it hurts." And I'm trying to think and figure things out, but he kept giving me these really sweet whimpers and he kept kissing and licking my balls and all...his finger was really deep in me and I was hard as a rock, so...finally...I said yes. And that made him SERIOUSLY happy! He got some of his lube stuff and slipped it all over him, and put some up inside of me. It was cold and kinda slimy, but the only thing on my mind was trying to build up the confidence to go through with this without crying or making him stop like before. Everything was going so great...and now...I felt like I was being forced to do more than I was ready for. But...this time I was smart and kept my damn mouth shut! I almost lost AJ once because of this stupidity, and I won't lose him again. I love him. And he loves me. And this is what people who love each other do, right? I mean...I'm gay. The whole 'anal' thing...I mean...it was gonna happen sooner or later, I suppose. You really can't be gay without it.
So, when I calmed my nerves a little bit, AJ rolled me over on my stomach and put a couch pillow under my hips. At first he just rubbed me all over and just told me that he really loved how cute and bubbly my ass was. Then he just laid on top of me for a few minutes without sticking it in and humped my butt for a while. That felt really good. He was whimpering a lot and kissing the back of my neck, moaning, "Oh Gawd, baby...this is gonna be sooo good. You want it? Huh? I love the way your ass feels on my dick. Oooh...I can't wait to fuck that tight 'Billy' ass." He was breathing really hard, and I could feel him leaking on me a lot. Finally, he couldn't take anymore and said he had to have me. So he told me to hold my cheeks apart for him, and I did. I felt the tip of his hardness kinda poking me back there, and finding the hole, and then he started to push into me. It took a few tries, and he kept telling me that I was REALLY tight, but he'd keep trying. When it finally popped in, he shoved a bit much in me all at once, and I nearly screamed. I practically had to bite my arm. It felt like my legs went numb, and I got really scared that I was going to have to tell him to pull out again. He'd hate me for SURE if I did it this time! I was the one who invited him in after all So I didn't say anything, just held my breath, and when he asked if I was alright, I nodded. I didn't want to do this anymore, but I nodded anyway.
He really loved being inside me, and after a few minutes, he was laying across my back like he was before. Except this time he was all the way in me. He held onto my shoulders, and pressed his cheek against mine. That's when he started pumping me. He started kinda slow, and I just tried to put my mind somewhere else, you know? He kissed me everywhere he could, wiggling his little trim hips on top of me and trying to get even deeper in my ass with every stroke. Then he got faster and faster. He was really fucking me now, and the pain just turned into this dull ache in my stomach Yeah, it hurt, and I just closed my eyes and gritted my teeth through the whole thing. I had tears on my cheeks, but I held out for about five minutes. And I guess AJ was really hot for me today because he came in about three minutes. It was really strong too, and he pushed so far into me that I gasped in pain and had to let out a little yelp or two until he finished cumming in me and relaxed again. You know, it's weird, but I could feel his boner throbbing and twitching inside me...but I couldn't really feel any kind of actual fluid spurting inside. I just felt kinda..'sloppy' back there when he was moving around and then finally pulled out. Not what I imagined at all.
Well, he did it. AJ fucked me. And he fucked me hard too. I was hoping that he was happy with me letting him do it, and he seemed to have a big smile on his face. He was so relieved. Wow...I can't believe that I just gave him my 'cherry', or whatever. Cool. I guess this means we're like...boyfriends forever now. Sweet! I rolled back over, and my asshole was really sore. It was kinda hard to sit on it properly. So I laid there for a while while AJ caught his breath. I cuddled up next to him, kissing his nipples and his neck. I felt this nasty little leak coming from out of me, and I got scared at first that it might be blood or something. But I think it was just his juices and all. Still, my stomach was a bit queasy, and I felt really 'open'....you know? It was kinda nasty. Ewww, I don't wanna talk too much about it here. I'm sure I'll remember the feeling. Anyway, it wasn't long before AJ's mom was going to be coming home, so I was gonna have to get dressed again and go. I kept leaking though, and even when I had my clothes on, I could kinda feel it running down my leg and into my boxers. Plus, it kinda hurt to walk. I had to limp around for a while just to get my balance. It felt like he was still in me for a long time afterwards. BUT...when I left, he told me that I was an EXCELLENT fuck! And that I had the tightest, most beautiful, butt in the world! So, he kissed me goodbye, and said he loved me, and now I'm his forever!
So...see? That was my first time, kinda, sorta...and it hurt a little, but it wasn't so bad. So things are looking up, right? My AJ....I love him. He's so cute.
I'd be lying if I said that I hadn't thought about Brandon and Bobby going out and possibly having a good time tonight at that concert. Maybe laughing. Maybe kissing. Maybe doing more. God, I hope not. But I thought about it. I'm almost afraid to ask Brandon to tell me how it went. If he comes back too happy, then that means I've lost him forever. But...hey....maybe it's for the best. I should stick to one significant other at a time. And with me and AJ now totally committed to one another, I'm going to focus on him a lot more. Enough with the mindless crushes, Billy. It's time to grow up and be serious. I've gotta choose, you know? I'm not going to make the same mistake twice.
Anyway, that's it. I'm officially deflowered now....hehehe...and happy as hell. So...um...yeah. G'night. I'll write more soon!