- Well, Sam and I had a fight yesterday. A bad one. Sigh...I don't even remember what the hell it was about, but it happened, and we didn't speak to each other for the rest of the night. In fact, we walked away from each other at the Hill, and left in anger over the whole thing. But...you know what the strange thing is? It's ok. Is that weird, or what? Let me explain.
Sam and I have been friends for so long, that we're practically Siamese twins at this point. Joined at the hip, brothers for life. I cling to him so tightly that I sometimes wonder whether or not he gets sick of me being around so much. But everytime my mind forces me into a position of being self conscious about it all, Sam does something to show me that I'm not only welcome to be around him, but that he would welcome everything that I could possibly give him as a friend. Even when we have a knock down, drag out, fight about whatever trivial bullshit is tempting us into getting hostile...we're the best of friends again by the next day. And that's strange. Our level of forgiveness goes beyond that of any other person I know. Just think, a personality trait as special as this could prevent WARS from happening if put in the hearts and minds of the right people. Yesterday we were fighting, and by lunchtime today, we're back to normal. Like I said... it's weird.
I didn't see much of Simon today. He had to leave early due to some kind of bad reaction to his allergy medicine. Nothing overly dangerous, but enough to get him out of school. I've been trying to get him over to my house, but he always seems busy with one thing or another. I've gotta find a way for him to get 'busy' with ME! And his extracurricular stuff is seriously getting in the way of that. Anyway, it appears that I'm still left in the dark about the whole 'is he gay' thing. I really want to know. Then again, maybe I'm just looking to get laid. Always a possibility. I've actually found myself feeling hints of shyness in my conversations with him now. It's like I'm actually thinking of him in a whole different context, and that makes him a bit scary to me. As though my emotions are suddenly learning to set up defenses around him just in case my heart decides to fall hard for him and he gets the opportunity to hurt me. How is it that I can suddenly get nervous around this person who never intimidated me before? It's, like....psycho, you know? I really hope that we get the chance to talk soon. He would definitely be something special in my life if we worked out a way to be boyfriends.
Anyway, homework, as always, awaits me. Talk to ya later!
- There wasn't anything neccessarily important going on today, but I had a sudden 'stream of consciousness' kinda thing going on today that wouldn't let me concentrate on much of anything around me. So...I figured that since this book has become my silent therapist, I'd write it down right here. If for no other reason than to look back at this entry someday and laugh at my own stupidity.
Ok, so...I've been thinking about all of the people that I've been writing about in my book, Brandon, Sam, Celia, Jimmy, Simon, Melissa, and of course Jamie Cross. But what I just realized is that all of these things have been from my perspective. I mean, it's the only perspective that I have to go by, but I have recently been wondering how things look to them on a daily basis. How would their journals look if I got a chance to actualy read them and see what they think about. Like...if Simon actually IS a homosexual...does he see Jamie Cross in the hallway and gasp uncontrollably the way that I do? Does Melissa, "Ms. All A's", look at Brandon and truly appreciate him for the beautiful person he really is? Does Sam see me with the same amount of love and friendship as I see in him? Or is it unbalanced one way or the other. It's weird to think about sometimes. How would all of these people see me from the outside? Do they think that I'm normal, that I have the perfect life, that I'm cute? Can they read my mind? Do they wonder whether or not I'm gay? I think about it sometimes when I get insecure about....well, anything. Looking at them from the outside, I realize that there is so much about them that I don't know. So much that I doubt I'd be able to ask them about, even if I wanted to know. I don't even have CLUE about how they live. And that makes me realize exactly how little they probably know about ME. But the real question is...judging from what they don't know...how much do they make up in their minds when it comes to Billy Chase?
I look at Jamie and see this perfect human being. Going to bed beautiful, waking up beautiful, showering beautiful, eating beautiful, and walking the halls beautiful. I imagine him to just constantly be totally untouchable and knowing it every minute of the day. Knowing that the sparkle in his eyes are enough to bring anyone to their knees, and using that weapon every time he gets the opportunity. But...is that really him? Or is that just MY interpretation? I wonder. That goes for all of them. I just...wonder.
In a semi-related topic...I am beginning to get really antsy about finding out which one of the girls in our grade likes me. It has been a few days, and the suspense is killing me because it's been unusually quiet lately. I want to know dammit! It's bugging me to know that someone is thinking about me all the time and I don't know who it is. It's like having some unknown witchdoctor keeping possession of a voodoo doll with YOUR image on it! Until I get a name, I find myself ducking and dodging every pretty girl n the hallway. I can't even make eye contact without trembling with the thought that 'this might be her'. It just gets to you after a while. Whoever it is, they're thinking about me, and they probably talk to me every single day without me even knowing what they're thinking. They're SPYING on me, and I can't make it go away. I hope I find out soon. I'll ask Sam to talk around a bit and try to find out some of the new gossip around school. Hopefully he'll be able to give me a few hints in the next day or two.
Gotta run. Mom's home. Seeya later.
- RESULTS on the Simon situation!!! Today at lunch, I stood next to him in the a la carte line, and we started talking. When he mentioned his math teacher, Mrs. Bronski, I made sure to tell him how much of a bitch I thought she was. And the second I called her a 'slime encrusted pig monster', he burst out laughing! So, all is friendly and going good right? But it gets better. After cracking a few jokes back and forth, I asked him over to my house again...and he said YES! Can you believe that? He said YES!!! Which is definitely a step in the right direction. Oh man...you should have seen him, looking so sweet with a little smile on his face. He was even cuter than I remembered. The second he said yes, visions of making out with him naked just flooded my mind and wouldn't leave. I just kept thinking about it for the rest of the day. The sound and tone of his voice when he said yes, it was awesome. Was it a flirtatious tone? A seductive tone? A shy kind of gay tone? I DON'T KNOW! I've never been shyly seduced by a flirtatious gay boy before. Arrrgh! I've gotta clean my room! I've gotta take a shower...no...TWO showers! That way I'll be extra clean and sweet smelling for him in case anything happens. Two showers tonight, and one in the morning. And I'll make sure to wear something cool. Something he likes. I've gotta remember what he likes me to wear. What am I usually wearing when he talks to me the most? Hmmmm. Maybe what I'm wearing right now! That seemed to work out just fine! No wait...that won't work. I can't wear the same clothes two days in a row, he'll think I'm dirty or something. I'll think of something good. Something RED this time!
Wow...I don't think I've ever really thought about what sex would actually be like if I ever had some. Well, I mean...I HAVE thought about it...a LOT, actually. But I never really thought about what to do with my....hands...or my tongue. Or ANYTHING for that matter! I've never even really kissed anybody before. I've read all about it, but nobody really tells you HOW to kiss! They just say, "We kissed, and it was good." That doesn't help me at ALL! When do I use my tongue? When do I close my eyes? Ok, I KNOW that I'm supposed to lean to the side so I don't bump noses with him. THAT much, I know. But....do I lean left, or do I lean right? Maybe I wait to see which way he leans first, and just do the opposite. But what if he's waiting for ME to do it first? Should it be passionate and romantic, or should I make it sweet and innocent?
You know, if I'm having this much trouble just figuring out how to kiss the guy, I'm REALLY going to have trouble the second our clothes come off! I don't even know what he looks like naked. Jesus! I'll bet you he's gorgeous! Mmmmm...cute and smooth and...'big'. WAIT...what if he's...you know...'bigger' than me? Is that going to be a problem? Should I...do some kind of 'bigger penis workout' or something first? I don't want him to look down at me and start giggling! That would SUCK!!! I don't neccessarily know how I match up to other boys my age! I've never gotten a chance to see them up close, really? Not for more than a few seconds. I know I'm definitely bigger than Tommy Dale, though. I saw him in the showers once a few weeks ago, and he's, like, super small. So maybe I'm doing alright in the meat department. God...I hope I'm at least not embarrassingly small! If what I see in a lot of the stories online is true, a boy my age should be around nine inches at LEAST! NINE INCHES!!! Jesus! I'm going to fall at least three or four inches short! SHIT! Ok...um...I'll just wait until I'm really really hard before I take my pants off. It will at least look a little bigger. And if I go down on him first, he'll be too involved and relaxed to care. That should work. Yeah...it'll be ok if I do it just right.
I can't believe I'm doing this! Sweet! I'm going to brush my teeth a few times tonight and tomorrow too to make sure that my breath is minty fresh. And I've got a sample bottle of mouthwash from the dentist too! I'll take it with me to school and use it at the end of the day. And I'll take gum. And Certs. And Tic-Tacs too...just in case. This is gonna be awesome!
I've got an 'experience' to prepare for! So I'm closing this post here! Hopefully, this will be my last entry as a virgin! I'm not even going to jack off tonight! I'm going to save it all for Simon! Seeya tomorrow with the news!