- It seems that sneaking out in the middle of the night to have a steady hour of hot homo-sex with your super cute boyfriend is not without a few consequences. I swear, the sun never shines so bright as it does when you're really not in the mood to be out of bed. Tired, blurry, cranky, groggy...all that shit and more. I accidentally fell asleep in two of my classes today. And I'm talking light snoring, drool, and the whole nine yards. Today was just NOT the day to sit through a lecture on 'Lord Of The Flies'. Normally, the idea of half naked boys running around on a deserted island with no adult supervision would sound really hot to me But today, the only thing that aroused me was the thought that I'd eventually be able to go home and crash on the couch in front of the TV watching afternoon cartoons. Thankfully, I didn't get embarrassed by any of my teachers looking to wake me up with a nasty comment or two. In fact, I don't even think they noticed. Lucky for me. I'm soooo tired right now, even after an after school nap. Unfortunately for me, my mom is one of those 'chain reaction' theory parents that sees the worst possible outcome of any given event. You know the type...'don't run in the house, or you'll trip and bang your head on the table and have to go to the hospital.' Or 'don't eat candy, or you'll ruin your dinner and not eat and eventually you'll miss all of your nutrients and end up dead from malnutrition.' Well..this time it was 'don't sleep on the couch, or you won't be able to sleep at night and you'll become an insomniac who won't EVER be able to sleep again.' I swear...my mom should write science fiction. Her imagination is WAY out there. Total Twilight Zone shit. Anyway, despite being a bit out of sorts with the rest of the world, I guess I had a pretty good time last night. So it was more than worth it. Next time though, I'd better fill up on caffeine before class if I'm gonna make a habit of late night visits to AJ's house. Hehehe, you know, I'm still thinking about AJ running around his house naked...and it STILL seems soooo sexy to me! I don't know why, but it is. I think I'm starting to like this 'getting fucked' stuff. While it's happening to me, the anal sex thing, I mean..it kinda hurts, and I kinda wish he would stop. But in some mixed up, unexplainably horny way, when I think back to it afterwards, it gets me all hard and excited again. I can't really understand it. But it's all I think about. I just think about my leg up on his dresser, and him entering me, and us kissing and sweating and breathing hard...and it makes me want him even more. I really should go online and find out if this is normal It's weird to me. Maybe this is how love is supposed to work, you know? Who knows?
Anyway, when I was actually awake in school today, I noticed something. The cat was obviously out of the bag concerning me and Joanna being broken up. As fast as the rumor spread that we were a couple, the news of our break up seemed to travel TWICE as fast. Especially since it involved my best friend. The 'soap opera-like' drama of the situation was like fresh meat to a pack of jungle cats in this place. They devoured it raw, and it's like they were having a contest to be the first one to tell someone who didn't know the story behind the story. It went across the whole school like a wild brush fire in a high wind, and I was worried about what that might mean. Because now that everybody knows, Sam and Joanna are free to be all kissy and cuddly in public now. They can hold hands in the halls, show up at the movies and at parties together, eat lunch together...Arrrgh! They can do whatever they want, and everyone will know that I got 'dumped'. And *I* come out looking like the loser in all of this! This is SO fucking humiliating! I didn't even wanna be with her in the FIRST place! Why am I getting the short end of the stick here? Luckily, I was able to avoid them for most of the day. I suppose that's the best course of action for right now. But I certainly don't want to hear about this anymore. Not from ANYBODY!
Well...except for maybe Brandon. But he's the only exception.
It seems that he also heard about me and Joanna, and he actually seemed genuinely concerned. He was all like, "I'm sorry, Billy. That sucks." And I thanked him, but told him that it was no big deal. I mean, I don't wanna become 'Poor Little Billy' around here, you know? But then, Brandon hits me with, "You guys didn't really seem right for each other anyway." Which definitely made him the loveliest boy in the world to me at that moment. Thanks, Brandon. That honestly made me smile to know that you were on my side in all this.
What was weird, however, was I told him, "I can't believe that Sam could just steal her away from me like that. What did I ever do to him to make him stab me in the back like that?" But Brandon looked really confused when I said it.
So he says, "Wait...what? You mean...she's dating Sam? And Sam's dating her? Your best friend, Sam? The boy you always hang around with?" I'm not sure why that was such a hard concept to grasp, but I sorta just nodded and let him know that he had it right. Brandon looked at me for a moment or two, with the most unreadable emotion in his eyes. Now it was MY turn to be confused. "So....Sam and Joanna? Wow....um...ok" Then he gets nervous and starts talking about how he has to get to class. I swear, Brandon is unnaturally attractive in every possible way...but he can be a real space case sometimes.
Anyway, I think I hear my dad in the other room. I'm gonna go in and say hello. Maybe spend some time with him, just in case he decides to 'leave' again with more stuff. Besides, I've been yawning uncontrollably ever since I picked this book up. I need sleep. Nice, soft, peaceful, sleep. I'll write more soon. Later.
- HA! I can't believe it! I seriously can't believe it! Sam actually had the nerve to try to fucking TALK to me today! He said he wanted to 'smooth things out' between us? Psh! I should try to 'smooth out' his fucking backside with the tires of my dad's car! The audacity of that asshole! I saw him at the beginning of school, he was outside (probably waiting on his brand new 'girlfriend') and he stopped me before going inside. I didn't really have anything to say to him. You know how you get angry, and you have this big angry conversation with yourself in your head, where you basically rip the person involved a new one with an hour long rant about what a fuck up he is? Yeah....well all of that conversation left me once I had to actually look him in the face. Suddenly, I didn't want to give him the satisfaction of even wasting my breath on cursing him out. But I couldn't help but be angry.
Ok....honesty time here. Sam looked good today. He looked so cute. His eyes, and his blond hair, and he looked like he had dressed up a little better than the normal jeans and pullover t-shirt. He smelled good from his morning shower too, and his lips just seemed to have this ruby red glow to them. He never dressed up for ME. But...you know...whatever.
NO! NOT whatever! How could he hurt me like this! I loved him like a brother! I loved him like MORE than a brother! Why does he have to like girls so damn much anyway? What do they have that I don't have? A few extra lumps? I can shove socks under my shirt if he wants it that bad? I can suck a dick, I've got a warm hole for him to thrust into, I know how to kiss with tongue! And plus....PLUS....once we're done having sex, we can go play video games or race our bikes or something FUN! What's he going to do with HER? Go shopping for clothes and junk jewelry at the mall? Play with Barbie dolls? Whatever! There's nothing that she can do that I can't do just as well if not better! So why does he want her so much? I just don't get it.
Anyway, I just wanted him to stop talking. Besides, we were right out front, and people were eavesdropping, because I think they were expecting me to, like...'hit' him or something. I've already suffered enough embarrassment over this, so I just tried to move past him while he was babbling about how everything 'just happened'. Come ON! It 'just happened'??? After all of our years of close friendship, that's the best excuse that Sam can give me? It DIDN'T just happen! He saw her, she saw him, they liked each other, they thought about kissing for a long time, and when I wasn't looking...they went through with it. There were a lot of steps involved, and eventually...there was just ONE big betrayal when they executed the whole plan. So I don't wanna hear it. Let HER be his best friend from now on. I hope she can throw a baseball and ride a skateboard as well as I can.
The news was already out, and I heard about it at least once in every class today. Melissa was especially 'comforting' about it. She's telling me how sorry she is about the bad news, and just keeps on asking me if I'm alright. Of COURSE I'm alright!!! I just wish everybody would stop fucking ASKING me that! Do they WANT something to be wrong with me? I'm fine! It's not like me and Joanna had kids and an estate to split up. Sam and I played a game, I obviously lost, it is what it is. I don't care. Anyway...just before class starts, you know what Melissa does? She puts her hands on both of my shoulders, leans in, and kisses me on the cheek. Then she gives me her phone number and tells me to call her if I ever wanna talk. She's all..."She doesn't know how special you are. She lost out big time, not wanting to be with you, Billy." I mean...what am I supposed to make of that? Am I going to have to go through this all over again with another girl? Now that the floodgates have opened, I can't close them again. God help me. Maybe THIS time, Brandon can steal my girlfriend away from me. That would be just as much of a kick in the stomach as having Sam doing it. Hey, I've got an idea! Maybe today, while my dad's away, I can come home to find Jamie Cross, stark naked, bending my MOM over the arm of the couch! How's THAT for a heart crushing defeat? I mean if the angels are having so much fun ruining my life, they might as well go for broke.
Speaking of cruel jokes, I came into the cafeteria, and see Joanna and Sam at one end of the cafeteria, and Brandon and Bobby Jinette at the other end. So I opted to eat outside. There's nowhere else for me to go. 75% of my entire social circle are involved with (or somehow affiliated) with my ex-best friend and my ex-girlfriend. So how am I supposed to interact with anybody anymore? I dunno...maybe I should just stop whining and start my whole academic career all over from scratch someplace else. It seems like the best motion to make right now.
Of course, I could have eaten with Brandon and Bobby Jinette...but I really didn't feel like being a third wheel in that whole dynamic between them. They seemed awfully smiley and cozy over there from the looks of things, and I didn't like that. I think I might have lost another battle without even knowing it. I wasn't even paying attention to how much Brandon meant to me until Bobby started drooling over him too. I was just looking at them...laughing and all. And at one point, I SWEAR that I saw Brandon blush! I SWEAR....I SAW it! This sucks! This sucks soooo much! You know what? I'm starting to think that maybe something did happen that night when Brandon and Bobby went out to that concert. They probably just weren't telling me. Probably wanted to keep it all 'sexy' and 'secretive' between them. Sighhhhh....it must be heaven, kissing Brandon's lips. Or...whatever other parts of him Bobby's been kissing. Sure, I was jealous, hurt, even ANGRY...but it aroused me to think about it. To think of them hiding away in a room where no one could see them, and just getting undressed together to make love together. I wish....I wish it was me Brandon wanted. Yeah.......me.
Ok, I'm depressing myself now. Gotta stop that.
AJ called tonight, but I didn't wanna answer the phone. He didn't leave a message either. I don't know why I didn't pick up. Was it because I was upset? Was it homework? Was I busy? Or was it just that the allure of his sexual advances has worn off since yesterday? I think it was that last one, because today, all I can think about is trying to enjoy whatever soft kisses and romantic licks we can share before he decides to brutally bend me over and hurt me again. Seriously...I'm starting to think that this is going to be a problem between us if I don't tell him something soon. I really don't want to go over there and get...'violated', you know? EVERYTHING else is awesome! The kissing, the rolling around, the sucking, the 69's....everything! I LOVE AJ! I want to feel his naked body against me and spend time just looking at his smile. But...he always wants more than I'm willing to give him. And that's not gonna change until I say something. Maybe I will. Maybe tomorrow. That's it, I'll do it tomorrow.
I'm going to bed. Today was a pretty 'sucky' day. So...like....later.