- Whoah....you are not gonna believe this! I mean, you are totally NOT gonna believe this! Guess who was sitting right HERE where I'm laying my head right now as I write this??? BRANDON!!! NO BULLSHIT!!! Can you believe it??? It was a complete surprise to me when he asked to come over today, but I sure as hell wasn't gonna say NO! I saw him at school, and we were talking, and I told him about that video game that I was playing, "Oddworld", and I told him I'd let him borrow it if he wanted to play it. What else could I say? He was looking SO damn cute today!!! Prettier than ever! It was hard for me to keep my hands off of him when he was nearby!
Anyway, when I said I'd let him borrow the game, it was actually HIM that said, "Well...maybe I can just come over to your house after school and check it out." And he was SO adorable when he said it, I melted right there! It was like...all shy and cute! Brandon is so cool, I swear. That comment alone almost made me forget completely about the whole Bobby Jinette fiasco. At least for a few minutes.
So he came over here today, and I took him straight to my room. All I could think about was ravaging him right here while I had him 'trapped'. I was staring at him the whole time. He's so.....CUTE!!! Looking at his sweet little lips from the side is so erotic. I wanna kiss him so bad that it hurts. He even has cute thumbs. I know, because I looked at his hands too. I just.....sighhh.....I can't believe that he was sitting right here on my bed. Right here next to my pillows. You know, if I lay my head down right where his spongy sweet ass was, I swear that I can still feel its warmth underneath my cheek. Damn, he drives me nuts! I imagine just laying my face right in the middle of his bouncy little ass, and licking it all over while he tries hard not to squirm under me. I'm sorry....but just having him here made me really horny today. I hate to say it..but sometimes it really feels like I'm SO in love with him. Like...in LOVE, in love! And it feels good.
While he was here, Brandon and I just talked about a ton of stuff. Nothing big, but it was an extremely comfortable conversation. I don't think speaking comes as naturally to me with any other person on the planet as it does with Brandon. We didn't even play the game he came over to play. Instead we played something else for a while, and got so wrapped up in each other that we kinda dropped the whole 'game' thing and just sat there talking. He'd tell me a story about when he was little, and I'd tell him about me and the boy scouts, then he'd tell me about being in the mountains with his grandparents, and I'd tell him about being on the farm with mine. It was awesome. We learned a lot about each other today. And he smiles a lot when he talks to me. Ohhhhh.....if he were gay, I'd be SWOONING. Actually, to be honest, I think I am anyway. And that sucks, because I'm not stupid enough to make a go for it. Still....when I look at him, I feel like I leave my body entirely, and it's awesome. He's a total dream.
AJ actually called while Brandon was in my bedroom, and I didn't really want to leave the room. That can be so rude, you know? Besides, I didn't want him to think that I was keeping any big secrets. So I kinda had to talk 'carefully' around him while AJ asked me about this weekend. He said he couldn't wait until he saw me again, and that he loved me, and he wanted to feel himself inside me so bad that he was hard right then just thinking about it. There's really no careful way to say, "I don't think I want you to fuck me anymore." over the phone with somebody else in the room listening. So I kinda had to keep my mouth shut and say 'yeah'. I made the decision to talk to him about the nature of our...um...'relationship'. But not while Brandon was here. That's NOT chickening out! It's an honest reason to take it easy on the whole 'gay sex' issue. So I cautiously made plans to see AJ this weekend, and I guess I'll just have to have this conversation with him face to face. That's gonna be hard. I really hate to see that pouty look on his face. And I know he's gonna try to talk me into it anyway. And I'll give in. I ALWAYS give in. I'll just have to stand strong this time, that's all. Damn....AJ is gorgeous though! God, give me strength.
The funny thing is, I was on the phone for a bit too long, and Brandon started making funny faces at me while I was on the phone! Hahaha! Awww, he's so damn sweet! He seriously had me giggling, and I could hardly talk the whole time he was doing it. So I took that as a sign and got off the phone shortly after. Brandon....he's special to me.
He stayed over my house until about 7:30 and then he had to go. I didn't want him to leave. I kinda wish he lived closer so that he could come over all the time. I suppose that's just wishful thinking. But it's incredibly STRONG wishful thinking. You know....where you come up with a fantasy so perfect, that the idea lasts for days on end with no problem? Yeah, it was kinda like that. I miss him already. I wish he'd come back.
Shit, gotta go. Mom's calling me to dinner. I'll write more later.
- This day has been one fucking disaster after another. Sometimes I wish I hadn't woken up at all. Or at least had stayed in bed until it was time to go to sleep again. I truly feel like shit right now, thanks to the events of this afternoon. But I'll get to that in a moment.
My Dad just left five minutes ago to spend the night somewhere else tonight. I didn't even get a hint as to where 'else' that might be, but it wasn't here with me and Mom. And that made that creepy crawly feeling return to my stomach with a vengeance tonight. He left right after dinner, practically 30 seconds after he took his plate to the sink and pushed his chair in. Not only that, but I saw a few more things of his missing from the house. Meaning that 'silent negotiations' were still underway. As I was sitting there at dinner, I began to notice how little Mom and Dad talk anymore. It was weird...suddenly, everything that you ever took for granted about your parents becomes the most important and life altering details of your existence. You never really appreciate someone until a rather large chunk of them is missing from your life. If you ask me, enough is enough. This joke is going a bit far to be considered even remotely comfortable anymore. So....I hope they get their acts together and just make up already before I start having panic attacks at school.
Anyway, that's just the beginning of my problems today. Sighhh...remember when I said that I'd stand firm with AJ and tell him to stop trying to stick his dick in me every time I come over? Well...I tried it today. Actually, I DID it. But now I don't know how I feel about it. I'm so mixed up right now.
As usual, I rode my bike over to AJ's house, his mom was gone for the afternoon, and he was 'in the mood'. The second I walked into the door, he started tongue kissing me hard and grabbing handfuls of my ass, practically lifting me off of the floor. It was so...I don't know...lustful, you know? Almost dirty, the way he did it. Then he smiled and took me by the hand to lead me to his bedroom. Same old thing as always. NOT that it didn't feel good, because it DID! We got undressed, we made out and rolled around naked on his cool clean sheets, he even sucked on my nipples for a long time, which felt really awesome. But it didn't really last, and the whole time, all I could think about was what I was gonna tell him when he made a move on invading me again. I didn't know how I was gonna phrase it, or how he was gonna react, but I needed to tell him the truth, and it worried me. While we were fooling around, I was kinda hoping to suck him or jack him off beyond the point of no return and make him cum fast so he wouldn't try to shove it in me again, but he kept stopping me. He'd push my hand away and start kissing me again, or he'd roll me over on my back and grind into me a bit harder while holding my arms down. Then came the inevitable question..."You know what I wanna do to you, baby?" I asked him 'what', and he said, "I wanna slide all of me into your tight warm asshole again. I wanna feel you clutching my cock like you did the other night, Billy. You ready? Hmmm? You ready, fuck-boy?"
It was now or never, so I...kinda....told him 'no'. I know, I know! I was being STUPID, but I just wanted to skip that part this time around. Just this ONCE! I think that's reasonable enough, you know? I said, "Actually...I just wanna be here with you for a while. Do we have to go through with all that other stuff?" I was trying to avoid his begging, but he kept avoiding the issue entirely. Telling me that I was so cute and to stop kidding around, trying to roll me over on my stomach anyway, as though I wasn't dead serious. Finally, I got a bit fed up and told him, "I MEAN it, AJ. C'mon, quit it." So he stopped and gave me a weird look. I was like, "Listen, I really love you, ok? But I don't wanna do that today. We can do anything else that you wanna do, just not 'that'."
He was like, "Why not?"
And I'm like, "Because it hurts, ok? It hurts a lot. I just...I want us to have fun tonight without that. Ok?"
He kinda blew his hair up with a frustrated breath and said, "Fine. Fuck it then." So he swiveled around and we started to 69 for a bit, which I really liked. I mean, it's like...my favorite, you know? But he started sucking me really hard, and then he pushed his finger inside me without warning me first. He was wiggling it around kinda hard and it made me wince and gasp a little bit. He was, like, ruining the 'pleasure' part of this whole encounter again. At least for me.
I hated to do it, but I had to take my mouth off of him and say, "Umm...no fingers either, k? Just for today?" No answer. He just stopped sucking for a second and left his finger in me. "Please?" I asked again, and he pulled it out. I could tell he was mad, and he kept sucking me, but I think he was pouting a little bit too, because it wasn't as passionate as it was before. We kept it up for a while, and I started to get into it again. I came first, feeling the pleasure of exploding without the agony of having him stretch me open back there. But AJ hadn't exploded yet. So I swung my legs back and just concentrated on him for a while. I like sucking AJ, and I like servicing him like I was being graded on it. But when I looked up into his eyes, he was just sorta staring at the ceiling. He just....he was so not into it. Not at all. It was like he was bored with me or something. It took him a long time to finally cum, even when I tried my best to make it REALLY good for him. I even made sure to swallow as much as I could and lick up what was leftover when it was over....but I don't think it mattered to him. He still seemed a bit angry to me. I don't know WHY! I was trying my hardest! I just like doing....'gentle' stuff with him better. That's all. Is that so BAD? I'm not always into a rough 'bang-away-at-the-barrier' fuck fest. I just...I wanna be 'held' by somebody, you know? Comforted. Kissed. Made to feel....beautiful. Geez, that's really gay, isn't it? Sorry. But it's how I feel.
I tried to explain that I still loved him and that I just miss the days when we would talk and smile and kinda giggle at one another. I miss that cute boy that I snuck away from my friends for so that we could have lunch across the parking lot. Where did THAT boy go? We didn't talk about it for very long though. He was busy getting dressed, and I said that I was sorry over and over again. You know what his reply was? "Whatever. Don't worry about it, Billy. I'll see you later, I guess." Then he just kinda slammed the door on me when I left. Not hard, but it was enough to let me know that he was upset at me for being such a pussy. (Or for NOT being a pussy, as the case may be) I just....I feel so awful. I mean....I'm screwing up again aren't I? Shit. I don't GET it! I had a good time! Why can't he just have a good time with me? It's my first boyfriend and I'm completely wrecking things! I've gotta find a way to fix this up. I've gotta make it better. At least I told him the truth about how I felt. So...um...yeah. That worked brilliantly. Sighhhhh.....
Anyway, this has just been a physically and emotionally draining day. I just want it to end. I talked to Jimmy briefly on the phone tonight, and he said he's coming home from the hospital tomorrow. So I told him I'd stop by. Geez, sooooo much has happened since he's been locked away in that place. I'll definitely drop in and give him a holler when I wake up tomorrow.