Feel free to stop by the Shack website this JUNE 19th for the website's big 10th ANNIVERSARY Celebration! We've got a HOT Summer planned...believe me! There won't be anything like it! Seezya soon!
- You know something...having Jimmy come home from the hospital today seems to be exactly what I needed to inspire a smile this weekend. I mean, I know that I was worried about it before, but just seeing him in his own room again, grinning from ear to ear over being able to have access to his stuff again...it truly lifted my heart. You know? Seriously. He actually seemed....happy.
I went over there early today, and he already had these little small French bread pizzas cooked up for me as a snack when I got there. I only saw his mom for a quick moment, which....I'm actually kinda thankful for. Since all of this happened, she always gives me this weird look when she sees me. You know, like this....strange pathetic look, like she's about to cry or something because I'm hanging out with her son. I'm not doing it out of charity or anything. I'm just being a friend. I happen to LIKE Jimmy a whole lot. I just never noticed his 'good' side before because it was always shrouded in this antisocial fog of weirdness that made it nearly impossible to know anything about him other than the fact that I had classes with him. And that other people thought he was kinda weird. He didn't really 'push' anybody away or anything...he just kinda gave the impression that we weren't to talk to him by keeping to himself all the time. That's all. But once Jimmy opens himself up to you a bit..he's, like, this totally different person. Someone that you can really appreciate and be close to. Someone who is just happy to be in your company, and doesn't mind letting you know that. There's a special allure involved with someone so genuine with his feelings, you know?
Anyway, he showed me the scars on his wrist from the razor blade he used to....well....'you know'. The bandages were off, and his wrists still seemed kinda pale, with some dry wrinkled skin flaking off around where he cut himself. I didn't wanna look at first, but he pretty much made me do it. I guess he was hoping that the anxiety over never mentioning the incident ever again would keep us from being as close as we could be. At least, that's how he put it. So...I looked at it. They were pretty much healed up and all by now, but you could still see the definite red lines drawn across the skin. They were so.....unreal. Like cuts in raw meat. I had never seen anything like it before. I didn't want to be rude, but he told me not to be afraid of talking about it if I wanted to. Jimmy even let me touch the scars and everything. To be honest, it really DID relieve some of that built up stress over not looking. I didn't even know the knot was there in my stomach until his openness caused it to loosen up a bit. It helped. So I'm glad he was being so cool about it.
I think I stayed there for about three hours or so, until his mom finished making dinner. She asked me if I wanted to stay, but...I'm always weird about eating at somebody else's house. I don't know why. I'm wacky like that. But it feels kinda like I'm imposing, you know? So I took that as my cue to leave. But I told Jimmy to call me some time soon. He grinned really big and he high fived me on the way out. It feels soooo GOOD to have him back home again. I hope that things are better for him this time around. MUCH better.
Oh! I had a short conversation online with Lee today. Sighhhh....he's still unnaturally cute in everything that he does! You know? I really do miss seeing his adorable antics on a regular basis. But...with Joanna and Sam dating now, I've kinda been exiled from the rest of my friends. Lee included. I doubt we'll have a chance to hang out anytime soon. Have you ever had one of those friends that you really like and care about, you have fun with them and make each other laugh...but that 'relationship' only seems to exist in the presence of other people? It's like...totally dependent on the dynamic of an entire group hanging out, and without the rest of the gang, it seems to fizzle out somehow. Alone in a room, just me and Lee, I doubt we'd have as much to talk about. Maybe it's just me making things up in my head again. But as much as I wish he and I could be the best of friends, there's just some kind of 'flare' missing between us when Joanna and Ted aren't around. And that means...I might have lost another potentially great friend because of this stupid 'soap opera'.
And...again....that's SO not fair.
My dad is still gone from yesterday, and I wasn't really expecting the extended absence this time around. Actually, I was kinda expecting him to drop by for dinner tonight. I wondered, briefly, if I should ask my mom what had happened to him tonight...but I decided to keep my mouth shut instead. Mom didn't look like she was in the mood to answer any questions about him at all. She was in the living room, watching television with a glass of wine, and the bottle sitting next to her by the arm of the couch. That usually only happens when she's slightly stressed out, or when she's extremely angry. Or both. Tonight....I'm thinking it was both. So I stayed in my room for most of the night and stayed quiet. No need to go causing any ruckus. I'd get double the standard annoyed response tonight if I did. Now is not the time to test the waters on that front.
That's it for now. Oh...except that Brandon called tonight. At least...I think he did. I picked up the phone to say hello, and all I heard was a click. I wouldn't have even known that it was his phone if it wasn't for my caller ID. But I don't think it was him. It was late. Besides....he wouldn't wanna call me. It was probably some kinda mistake where he meant to dial somebody else. But it gave me a slight thrill to think that he might wanna talk to me before bed. Hehehe, that would be so cute.
Anyway, gotta run. Later.
- You know what I fucking HATE right now??? Public displays of affection! Ok...maybe not 'affection' so much, but just overdoing the whole lovey dovey mess until it gets to be invasive and rude to everybody who has to LOOK at that garbage! I mean, what the fuck? I went to school today, and I saw Sam and Joanna all 'smoochy smoochy' in the hallway today. Kissing all sloppy and making a spectacle out of themselves. Like anybody CARES how in 'looovvve' they are! They're just fucking showing off to the other kids! What for? So you got somebody to press their drooling, disease filled, pie hole against your own. So what? Sam probably still has microscopic bits of Cheetos and beef jerky stuck in his teeth from last week! What's sexy about THAT? If I'm lucky, Joanna will choke on one of those micro-chunks and throw up in his mouth! That'll teach him! You know, I don't even know why I bother to look any more. It doesn't even concern me at this point. It's done with. Over.
But....ARRRGHHHH!!!! I just can't fucking stop myself from imagining the two of them together all the time! Kissing and rolling around and being all sweet on each other. I'll just bet that they've done more than just making out. I'll just bet. Joanna's probably sucked him off by now. I remember how much Sam used to talk about it when we were on the Hill. How it would feel, and how he'd love to have a girl do that to him. And the whole time, I was trembling and sweating, because I thought that he was maybe giving me a 'hint' that he wanted me as much as I wanted him. No such luck. Now I see that he really DID want a 'girl' to do it, and not his best friend. Whatever. I'm slightly hurt that she'd get to...you know...'taste' him first. And make him feel good. And see the look in his eyes when he tells her that she's the one and only love of his life for making him feel sooooo sexy. But as long as I stay angry with them, that pain can't really touch me. It's really the only shield that I have when I think about it. At least for now, until I find someone of my own to love me just as much.
Why do I say that, knowing that I have a boyfriend in AJ? Because I tried calling him three times today, and he didn't pick up until the last time And even then he sounded kind of annoyed with me for even causing his phone to ring. Needless to say, it was a brief conversation. There were no 'I love you's' or kisses or anything this time around. Just me trying to make conversation, and him trying to tactfully end it as quickly and painlessly as he could. Normally, I'd just be hurt and let him go, but not this time. I had to lower my voice so my mom wouldn't hear, but I came right out and asked him, "Is this because I didn't let you fuck me on Saturday?" And he just sorta grunted. He didn't even answer me right away.
Then he's all like, "I don't know what the big deal is. You let me do it before, and it was fine. Now you're just being a baby about it." And I told him that the 'big deal' was that it HURT me! Every time he did it! And we should be able to find some kind of middle ground somewhere where we could agree. But he didn't seem to really care. I don't know...I mean...I know that couples are supposed to fight from time to time. But this didn't feel like an argument, you know? It was more like...'do it my way, or I don't love you anymore'. And that just sucks. By the time we hung up, I didn't know what to think anymore. Or what to FEEL for that matter. AJ used to be so cute and so cool and just.....sweet. What happened to him being sweet? I don't know what he wants me to do. Maybe I'm being stupid. Maybe relationships are about give and take...and I should compromise with him on this a bit more. I don't wanna lose him. He's my virgin experience, after all. We're supposed to be together.
Sighhhh....I don't know. He'll come around eventually, I guess. And we'll end up being more in love than ever. We've just gotta....get over this rough patch. That's all.
I did get a somewhat comforting break in all this, however. Right before lunch time, I saw Brandon in the hall, and he had the sweetest little blush on his face. Anyway, I think I kinda dumped my problems on him all at once, which I usually HATE doing! Most times, people just go on and on and on about how fucked up their life is, until you just wanna club them over the fucking head with something heavy and run away before they regain consciousness. But something about Brandon lended itself to that kind of unwarranted punishment, and I spilled my guts about seeing Sam and Joanna kissing, and how I had no ideas about what to do for friends now that they were all wrapped up in this 'scandal' together. When you lose somebody you love, especially when it's in such a public way, it's hard to talk to somebody who knows what happened. It's a strange paranoia that makes you feel like they're laughing at you behind your back while you talk to them, or shaking their heads at how utterly pathetic you were when you were in love. And now it's all over, and you feel embarrassed. And stupid. And depressed too. It was kinda like that. The only reason that Brandon didn't fall into that category was because he never wanted to know much about me and Joanna to begin with. So I let it all out at once. I had nobody to go to the mall with, or to go to parties with....shit...I didn't even have anywhere to sit for lunch anymore. I couldn't skip every lunch period from now til forever.
Well, Brandon, being the awesome sweetheart that he always is, says, "You know..if you want...you could always....um...sit with me. I mean, I'd be happy to sit with you at lunch, Billy." Which came as a complete shock to me at the time, because Brandon almost never eats in the cafeteria with the rest of us. Almost NEVER! So...yeah, that came as a totally awesome surprise. And I'll be damned if I turn down the offer.
However, for some unnaturally cosmic reason...we had the most awkward time trying to talk to one another the whole lunch period. I don't think anything like this has happened to us since we sorta became 'friends', and it was so strange to have to deal with it all of a sudden. It was like he reverted to that quiet, pretty, super shy little boy that I first laid eyes on all those months ago. I tried to make things normal again between us, and just get him to smile a bit, but it didn't really work. I forced a few phrases out of him every now and then...but that was it. He's being moody and 'different' again, and I just don't get it. But what's worse, I don't think I was any more comfortable than he was. I was just...quiet. And every word that I could possibly have to say to him got 'zapped' before it ever left my mouth. I'd TRY...but then I'd look at him, and every part of Brandon is totally cute, you know...so I'd lose my nerve and go back to being silent. It was an odd phenomenon...suddenly feeling uncomfortable in my own skin around him.
Anyway, I'm gonna go. Stuff to do, homework to struggle through. But I'll write more tomorrow. I always do.
- I found out something pretty hurtful tonight. It really bugs me something awful, and I can't seem to let it go. I was talking to Lee tonight online, and after a while he says, "Can I ask you something?" Which usually means that I should brace myself for something extremely personal when it comes to Lee. He almost never has a problem with just saying whatever is on his mind, so having him ask me that was a bit of an unsettling moment I told him it was cool, and he asked me, "How are you doing? I mean...with the whole Joanna and Sam situation?" At first I was really touched that he would be concerned about my side in all this. He seemed to be the ONLY one who gave a shit about 'my' feelings once they were hooked up together. So I told him what was going on and how I felt, and it helped a lot to be able to talk about it with someone who really cared. You know? He even got me to smile a few times with his witty little remarks and all. But...as the conversation went on for a few minutes, something became clear to me. Lee evidently knew what was going on way before I did.
I mean....Joanna had been TALKING to him about it. Asking his opinion. Looking for answers. She was seeing Sam behind my fucking back, having feelings for my best friend, lying to me with every breath she could muster....and Lee knew about it. So the next question is easy. Why didn't he tell me? Why didn't he warn me? How could he just..sit there and let me get HURT like this? I mean...what the FUCK? I was losing my girlfriend, and he just sat there and let it happen without taking my side. Or recognizing that I even HAD a side! That...that just really hurt. And I couldn't talk to him for much longer after that. I just signed off in a hurry and didn't even say goodbye. I felt betrayed. I really did. To me...knowing about this whole thing and not telling me about it, makes him an accomplice. How many times had he been lying to me whenever I mentioned her name? Or Sam's name for that matter? How many times did he smile in my face, knowing that I was about to get my heart ripped in half? Shit...that's pretty damn foul. And now, as cute and as fun as Lee has always been to me...I have to consider whether or not I want him in my life either. I have to decide whether or not I can still talk to him after he helped them stab me in the back. He is, after all...in league with the 'enemy'. I never thought Lee would hurt ME to protect them. Never.
I called AJ again, hoping that he might have calmed down a little bit and might be up for talking about things. Or maybe just talking in general so we could put all that nastiness behind us and move on. But he said he couldn't talk. He had his music up really loud in the background, and I could barely hear him. I barely had a chance to tell him that I wanted to talk before he said that he'd have to call me back later. You know...I nearly offered myself to him again. Seriously. I almost did it. I thought...maybe another late night visit to his house would make him realize why he loved me in the first place. I thought that maybe I could show him that I was willing to be adult about this and meet him halfway if I let him inside me again, just for a little bit. Anything to keep him in my life. Anything to make him happy enough to want me again. But he seemed to be in a big rush to get me off of the phone. So the conversation was pretty pointless. But at least he answered on the first ring this time. It's an improvement, if only a tiny one.
Something also became clear to me today. Sam doesn't talk to me anymore. I mean, he hasn't talked to me in a while...but that was only because I wouldn't LET him. Things seem to have changed lately. Now that he's got Joanna, and now that everybody knows about them, that tension between us has transformed into something entirely different. It's not this friction that sparks up every time we see each other in the halls anymore, but it's not like it's faded away into the shadows either. It seems to be present in some kind of weird limbo in between, and that bothered me. His guilt about what he did appeared to be half way gone. And why wouldn't it be? He won. He's got the prize right there cuddled up under his right arm. So I guess my ignoring him or being mad at him isn't really much of a punishment anymore, is it? Well THAT sucks! Because I'm not finished making him feel like shit yet! But I don't know how to do that without having him care about my emotions. And Joanna seems to be completely unaware of a reason to feel guilty at all. So...do I not 'fit' into this fucked up puzzle any more? Have I been squeezed out of the game? I'll figure out a way to get back at both of them. I really will.
Anyway, sorry that this is short, but I told Brandon that I'd call him tonight. And I'm still trying to get back that easy vibe that he and I used to have until this week's sad attempt at being 'lunch buddies'. I don't know what I did to screw everything up between us...unless of course, Bobby Jinette has something to do with this weirdness. Who knows? But I hope to get to the bottom of it and soon, before Brandon and I drift apart for good.
Oh, and Jimmy's coming back to school tomorrow. That should be...well...interesting. Wow....actually...that's gonna be pretty hard for him, isn't it? What will the rest of the school think when they see him again? They know he was in the hospital. They know he tried to kill himself. They know he's GAY! I don't know how they're gonna react, but if Jimmy ever needed someone to stand at his side, now would be the time. I just hope nothing goes wrong. They weren't exactly 'nice' to him before. I don't know why things would change now that they have specific reasons to target him for teasing and ridicule. What if something happens to make him feel really bad again? What if he.....you know...'tries' again?
I don't even wanna think about it. I'll just have to be there for him when it counts. That's all. I'll be there. Promise. G'night.