- Do you know what my Dad gave me when he stopped by the house this afternoon? An address, a phone number, and a house key. Let me just write that out again on this page, because it just doesn't seem fucking real to me right now. An address.....a phone number....and a fucking house key. Like...to another apartment that wasn't our house. Evidently he's subletting this one bedroom place somewhere just outside of the neighborhood, and now that he's a bit 'settled in', he wanted me to know the 'details'. Why would I want to know any 'details'? Why would I want to go up to some building that's NOT home...and ask for my own DAD? Screw that. He's just...he's being weird. He'll be home soon. A few weeks, a month at the most, and my parents will be happy again. They just have to be! I just wish that they didn't have to go through all of these stupid theatrics to solve a simple ass problem. Just STOP fighting! How hard can it be? I swear, when I get to be older, I'm never going to let the little things get to me. I swear, the whole "grown up" world is so mixed up and petty....I'd just as well stay a kid forever.
Anyway....Jimmy came back to school today. And I'll be honest...it REALLY worried me to even THINK about what it would be like for him to come back to class and sit in his old seat again. What he did was just....a horrible nightmare for the rest of us. Something we really couldn't just...overlook, in the overall scheme of things. So, to see him in the flesh again in those hallways was like seeing Freddy Krueger at the local burger joint. I was hoping that the other kids would take it sorta 'easy' on him. I half expected the others to start in on him right away. Writing homophobic shit on his locker, laughing and pointing at him, or beating him up in the gym locker room. But....surprisingly....everybody seemed to be happy to see him again. EVERYBODY. Even the teachers. Nobody really drew any attention to what happened, but they seemed generally overwhelmed to see him in school again. I don't know if this put me at ease, or if it angered me to the point of wanting to scream. I mean, is THIS what it takes? Someone has to feel SO hurt, SO low, SO unbelievably unwanted and unloved...that they'd rather fucking *DIE* than live through that misery and pointless TORTURE for one more day? Is THAT what it takes to be treated like a human being by your supposed 'peers'? You have to make a SUICIDE attempt to get people to hear your screams, or to see your tears, or to realize how badly they've been treating you with all of the fucked up things that they say to him? What kind of fucked up world is this? All morning, I sat back and watched how mature and courteous everybody suddenly got when it came to dealing with Jimmy. Suddenly, everybody wants to be friendly and cheerful. All of a sudden they want to pat him on the back and say nice things and apologize for treating him so badly. Well...what would have happened if he hadn't survived it? Huh? What then? Would they have come to the funeral and been all, "Ohhh, Jimmy...I didn't know. I'm so sorry I teased you." It would have been too fucking LATE for that, now wouldn't it? After all the pushing and shoving and laughing at him and bullshit...with everybody else just standing by and letting it fucking HAPPEN right in front of them...Jimmy should be spitting in their faces and watching them stand there and take it while pretending to be cordial and polite. I would be.
But...something else happened instead. I talked to Jimmy in the hall right after class, and he was a bit....'surprised'. I thought it was stupid for him to be freaked out by me approaching him in the hallway. I had been to his house, I had been talking to him on the phone, I came to visit him repeatedly in the hospital. But for some odd reason, he was under the impression that things would go back to 'normal' once we were back in school, and that I wouldn't 'need' him any more. That's exactly how he said it. "Go back to normal." That's when it hit me....I wasn't any better than the other assholes, was I? I mean, before he started acting strange, before he was on the edge of killing himself, I never paid Jimmy LaPlane any attention either. I never talked to him. I never hung out with him. If I went out with friends, I never invited him along. So what exactly makes me better than anybody else in this damn place? Nothing. Because, just like them, I didn't decide to care until it was almost too late. And here Jimmy was, with this giant heartfelt crush on me, thinking about how much he liked me and how I just let the rest of the world walk all over him. I probably hurt him more than most. It was a humble moment indeed, making that realization. I hope I didn't contribute too much to making his whole life so....you know....'dark'. Somehow, some way, I hope our new friendship makes up for it. Even if only a little bit.
Which brings me to another small revelation that I had today. I saw Simon sitting by himself in the library this morning, and when I walked past him, he sorta gave me a look. It wasn't an angry look, or anything specifically nasty. If anything, it was kinda sad. It was like...I could see my own absence in his life, and it sucked. I always figured that Simon had other friends, that he'd be mad at me and eventually move on with other kids, only to forget that I even existed in the long run. But maybe...maybe he missed me. And I didn't take an interest in any more. Strange. It made me wonder...is it because he basically proved to me that he'd never want to have sex with me? Is that why I pushed him out of my mind? Is that why I keep him at arms length? There was a time when I thought about how cute he was, and how badly I wanted to get in his pants. And when I was 'targeting' him for some offbeat sexual interlude...I wanted to hang out with him every day of the week. But since he kinda 'rejected' me, I stepped back from the idea of expecting anything much from him at all. And when he got mad at me for not being a good enough friend...I pushed him away even further. So....am I doing the same thing to him that AJ was doing to me with the anal sex? Am I basically telling Simon, "Love me the way that *I* want you to love me or we're finished?" I don't want to be an asshole about it, but I think that, deep down, I was using my friendship as a bargaining chip to get him into bed. I was making it clear that he can either fuck me or leave me alone. And it's just not fair to put any demands on how somebody loves you. Either you have faith in their feelings of friendship, or you don't. And if you don't....then the only friends you'll ever have are the ones who you bully into it. Who needs that? I don't.
I probably should have talked to him about it today, but to be honest, I felt bad. So I just kinda nodded at him to let him know....well...I don't know what I wanted him to know. But I didn't want him to think that I was mad at him anymore. I hope he got that hint in the few seconds it took for me to pass him in the library.
That's pretty much my day in a nutshell. Oh, except that I got another email from Lee tonight, but I didn't answer. I don't know...I just couldn't do it. A part of me is still really hurt by his unintentional betrayal, and I don't want to talk to him if I can't trust him to be honest with me about something as serious as my girlfriend cheating on me behind my fucking back with my best friend. Besides, I still have the need to punish somebody for this whole fiasco. And since Sam and Joanna don't seem to give a fuck about me any more, Lee is the next available candidate to get tossed into the mud pit. There are moments when I miss him and his sweet smile...but for now, I think it's best to not talk to him about much of anything. Anything at all.
I've gotta run, but I'll write more tomorrow. Later.
- You know, Jamie Cross wore the 'perfect' button down shirt today. It was brand new, and deep red with a glaring white t-shirt underneath it. Plus he was wearing this little silver chain around his neck, and it hung over the white t-shirt in SUCH a cute way. Seeing a light blond haired boy in a new, deep red, shirt is like...magic. It's like the perfect color to make them radiate whatever raw sexual energy they possess in buckets. He was gorgeous. Sighhh...Jamie is always gorgeous. It's gotta be the most hopeless pursuit on Earth, me trying to get him to actually notice me. I'm an IDIOT for continuously fantasizing about him kissing me, holding me, and making sweet, SWEET, love to me in slow motion while I whisper his name again and again in his ear. I wish my heart would wise up already and stop with the meaningless flood of 'love juices' that enter my bloodstream every time he's anywhere near me. I wonder if I'll still be in love with him ten years from now. Like...if I'll harbor this uncontrollable feeling of love for him in my heart forever. I'd hate to think that I couldn't find a 'complete' happiness with anyone else simply because I couldn't get rid of the emotions surrounding the most unapologetically beautiful boy in the history of high school. I've really gotta beat this addiction one day. It's really beginning to make me look stupid.
Melissa is still being excruciatingly nice to me since the break up between me and Joanna. To the point where I almost want to avoid her when I see her coming. She keeps saying that she wants me to call, or come over, or to just hang out. I mean, I KNOW Melissa, and she's majorly cool in a lot of different ways. But I can't say that we've ever really been friends before. It's kind of a shock to the system to suddenly start 'hanging out' with someone that you only know...um...'casually'. You know? (Well....Jimmy LaPlane was a special case)That's not to say that we can't be friends outside of school or anything. But it'll take more than a day or two to suddenly become bosom buddies. Besides, I've been a bit apprehensive when it comes to Melissa's sudden interest in me. Especially after her reaction to the kiss I gave her on her birthday, and her chasing me around since Joanna's been out of the picture, I wonder if I'm setting myself up for another trip down 'gay guy with a girlfriend' alley. Sighhh...screw it. I should be happy that I'm free to date guys now, right? Right? Yeah....I should be happy.
Jimmy was being a bit quiet today, and I think it's starting to freak him out a little bit to have people know about his sexual preference. They haven't said anything BAD about it, at least not YET. But I think the stares and whispers, even though they're done politely, are starting to make him a bit paranoid about the whole thing. And yet, I almost envy him a little bit. Because he's....you know....'free'. No more pretending, no more secrets, no more suffocating thoughts over who's watching him or who might find out. Shit, he might even find himself a steady 'boyfriend' because of all this exposure. You know, now that the closeted boys 'know' they have a shot with him. If he can make it through this period of adjustment, I think he's actually gonna feel a lot better. So, I hope it works out for him. He needs to finally find his place. Hell...we both do.
Whoah...I just had the most AWESOME idea!!! What if...and this is just a random thought here...what if I could make it so Jimmy starts dating Bobby Jinette?!?! Oh SHIT! That would solve a LOT of problems! For Bobby, for Jimmy, and for ME! Not only would it keep Bobby's hands off of my Brandon and keep his attention focused elsewhere, but Jimmy would have himself a boyfriend! He'd be happy, life would get better, his crush on me would fade, and they both get to live happily ever after! Aw dude, that's fucking PERFECT! Almost too perfect! But I'm definitely gonna work on it. I can't believe I thought of this! I've gotta start planning some course of action to pull this off! The wheels are turning! Ten points for Billy's brain!
I miss AJ, but I didn't dare call him today. Maybe it was a sudden bout of horny teenage thoughts. Maybe it's the fact that he hasn't thought to call me since I talked to him last. And maybe it's because...deep down inside....I'm kinda thinking about letting him fuck me again, if for no other reason than to get him to smile and say sweet things to me like he used to. But whatever it was, I began to really miss what we had, and when I get the courage, I'm gonna call him back and apologize. I want to see him. I want to kiss those sweet lips of his and just have him hold me again. I know that sounds pretty psychotic after some of the stuff that I wrote about him over the last two weeks. But...without AJ, I don't have anybody to kiss and cuddle with. Like...nobody. He's the only gay boy in the WORLD to me except for Jimmy. If I lost him now, I'd be all alone again. And it's SO hard being alone after you've been in love. It's like, TWICE as hard to wake up in the morning. TWICE as hard knowing that there's nothing better to do than wait until you're ready to go back to sleep again.
I've gotta go. Dinner time. Life seems to be hanging in some kind of eternal limbo right now. I never know where my emotions are gonna take me when it comes to days like this. But tomorrow should be better though. I'm going to Jimmy's after school, so that should be the perfect time to see if I can get him together with Bobby. Wish me luck!
- Okay Billy.....you've gotta BREATHE! Hehehehe! OMIGOD! I don't know why I'm SO excited right now, but I've got the weirdest little tingle in my chest right now, and I can't get rid of it. Anyway, you know I went to Jimmy's house today after school, right? Well...we were in his room talking about this and that, and he was telling me how spooked he is that everybody is being so nice to him. He says that it's like a whole new world for him these days. Which...I mean...I was angry about before, but since it made Jimmy smile to have them be nice to him for a change, I guess I couldn't be happier for him. It doesn't mean that it's right. It just means that it worked. It sounds really awful to say that, but it's the truth. The honest truth. I just hope that other kids can find a better way to get that kind of attention. Because there's a BILLION other ways to do it. BETTER ways. I'll just say that, for NOW, I'm glad that Jimmy is getting a bit of a break from the henpecked social order of the high school 'elite'. It may not last forever, but it might last long enough to give Jimmy the confidence he needs to not let it bother him as much as it did before. It can be a lonely fight...trying to prove yourself to selfish masses who hardly ever care.
Anyway...that's not why I'm excited! While we were talking, I thought about my plan to set Jimmy up with Bobby Jinette and getting him out of my hair. And Jimmy brings up Brandon out of nowhere. And I told him that Brandon and I were kinda, like, friends. You know? I even told him about Brandon coming over to my house and everything. Jimmy was so AMAZED! He says, "Whoah! Are you SERIOUS??? Oh wow...I think Brandon is SO damn cute!!! I really do!" He SAID that to me! And I so badly wanted to jump in and agree with him. I wanted to sit back on his bed, and talk about 'boys' with Jimmy and how badly we'd love to see them naked while giggling like a bunch of 10 year old girls playing truth or dare. It would totally ROCK to be able to tell him that I was gay too and be able to talk about this stuff with someone...um...'real'. (No offense to you, of course, oh journal of mine)
So...I bring up Bobby as a part of my wicked plan. I ask him, "You know who I bet would be perfect for you? Bobby Jinette." And Jimmy kinda wrinkled up his forehead a bit.
"Bobby who?" He said. I did my best to try and describe him, and he just said, "Hmmm....I don't think I know him. Maybe I'd know him if I saw him." I told him what classes I had with him, and I think a light bulb flickered on in Jimmy's head. "OHHH!!! I know who you're talking about! Yeah, he's cool! He's pretty cute too! But I don't think he likes boys."
So I say, "How do you know? He might."
But Jimmy shook his head and said, "I don't think so. Bobby's too outgoing to be gay at this age." He grinned.
Now check THIS out! I'm all like, "Well, it's not like Brandon is gay. And you like HIM."
And JIMMY says, "Oh please! Come on! Brandon is SO gay! He's gotta be!" Now....by this time, I'm already breathing hard and nervous, because I can't believe what he just SAID to me! That's just like...unbelievable. So I'm totally denying the whole idea, and Jimmy says, "Dude...trust me. Brandon is gay. He's hiding it like a champ, but I can tell." I ask him how he knows, and Jimmy asks me, "Has Brandon EVER had a girlfriend? I mean...like...EVER?" Which doesn't mean anything. A lot of guys don't have girlfriends their freshman year of high school, it doesn't make them gay. And hell, *I* had a girlfriend, and I'm gay! Then Jimmy says, "He's shy, he's quiet, he's secretive about just about everything concerning his private life, he's a good student, a nice dresser, and when Cindy Mullen asked him to take her to the beach...he made up an excuse about having to go to the dentist that day." Geez....and Cindy has the biggest boobs in the 9th grade! The idea of a hetero-boy turning down an opportunity to see her in a bathing suit DID seem pretty damn farfetched. So, Jimmy is putting all of these crazy ideas into my head, and I'm actually starting to believe him! I mean...what if Brandon really IS gay? What if Brandon is...'touchable'! I can't even IMAGINE this! I mean, I know that I wanted him, and I know that I didn't want anybody else to have him, and I know that being with him would be a total PARADISE for me for the rest of my fucking natural life....but I never actually considered the possibility of it actually HAPPENING before! I mean...I don't think my heart could handle it if Brandon loved me back. Or...'LIKED' me back. Whatever.
So, I thought back to every word Brandon spoke to me today at the lunch table, wondering if he was giving away some hidden signals or something. I DO remember him saying that he wish he had some more 'meat' in his sandwich at one point.....but I don't think he meant that as a metaphor for hot gay sex or anything. Who knows? Brandon can be kinda hard to 'read' sometimes. Shit...I've really gotta explore this concept a bit more closely!
I've gotta go! I'm really too damn excited to write right now! I'm just..I'm literally SHAKING over this!!! I can't wait to see him again! I've gotta ask him some questions....or...or get him to confess or something! Just to see what he says. Wow...Brandon.....gay. What a world it would be if he was!