- Ok, you know something...I'm NOT a fucking idiot! I have never BEEN an idiot! And I refuse to be one now. Not for ANYBODY! Especially somebody who's obviously trying his fucking BEST to really hurt me! I don't understand this at ALL! I don't get why he would want to cut my fucking heart out like this....but as angry as I am, I can't stop it from hurting. It hurts so BAD!
I called AJ this morning, and I was totally going to go over there and apologize for everything today! EVERYTHING!!! I was actually going to 'give' myself to him all the way again, KNOWING how much it hurt me...JUST so he could be happy and love me again! But he's all, "I can't hang out today. I'm busy. Besides, I don't really feel like going out anywhere." So I figure I can swing by and just spend some time with him, you know? I asked if he would mind. Then he's like, "Oh...I don't really want any company either. Sorry. It's just a 'bad day'. Maybe later, ok?" Ok, I get it. He's not in the mood, right? Everybody is entitled to a 'bad day' every now and then. So, it kinda sucked, because I really wanted to talk to him about things before they lingered too long on the negative side, you know? But I said it was cool, and told him that I still would love to see him sometime soon. He seemed fine with that.
Anyway, my dad came to pick me up at the house today, because he wanted to spend some time with me, which was friggin' weird. Because he NEVER just wants to 'spend time' with me. 'Spend time' doing what? If he wanted to see me he could just walk into my room and open the door. 'Spending time' is something we do with Gramma on holidays. We 'spend time' visiting Uncle Roscoe in prison to keep him from being lonely. But me and my dad? We shouldn't have to 'spend time' with each other. We should have all the 'time spending' we need. But...that weirdness aside...he was set on showing me where his new apartment was. We didn't go inside, we just kinda drove past it. He says he wants me to 'visit' tomorrow. Visit? Why I would want to 'visit' my own father is beyond me, but I kinda agreed to it because it seemed like it meant a lot to him. I wish he would get tired of this dumb game and move home already. This is just getting plain silly now.
So, as we're coming back from the apartment, and we're going to get something to eat...who do I see outside waiting for the bus? AJ...and he's got that 'Scott' boy with him. AGAIN!!! This is the SECOND time he's completely ditched me to be with him, and when I looked at them, they were holding hands! Right there on the street corner where ANYBODY could see them! I mean...what the FUCK is going on here? Is he fucking cheating on me now??? I ducked a bit in my seat so they wouldn't see me, but I doubt they would have anyway. I saw AJ smile at him, but not like in that friendly way that I've seen before. This was like that flirtatious kinda smile that he gives me when I risk my neck trying to race over to his house in the middle of the night so we can have sex. I know that smile! He's NOT fooling anybody! I can't believe he totally lied to me just to go spend time with somebody else. I can't believe he didn't tell me. And after all the son of a bitch has put me through in the last two weeks alone...I can't believe it HURTS this much! CHRIST....it's like having a tow truck pierce your heart with that big metal hook and dragging you down the street at top speed, where your only means of bearing the pain is to go limp and hope that it'll be over soon. I swear, it hurt so much that I could hardly breathe.
Needless to say, I couldn't really tell my dad what was wrong since passing them at the bus stop snatched the breath from my existence. I couldn't tell him why I had absolutely nothing much to say about anything the entire way home. I couldn't tell him why I was on the verge of tears so painful that I was practically fighting heaves in my stomach just to keep them at bay. But when he dropped me off, he gave me a hug and told me that everything would be ok, and that he and I would get through this in time. Sure...he was thinking about the separation, and I was thinking of my heart being torn in two by someone I thought really cared about me...but something about that statement comforted me. For a short moment, it made me feel like he was...actually 'on my side' in all this. It was almost as if my mind had twisted his words around to say, "It's ok for you to be gay, and I'm sorry you got your heart broken, son. It'll be alright." I don't know what it was, but the floodgates opened up immediately, and my eyes ran over with tears. I hugged him so tight and just let it all out It was only for a minute or two, but it felt like forever. It felt soooo good, you have no idea. I'm sure he thought that reaction was a bit excessive for someone who just drove past an apartment, but he didn't ask if anything else was wrong. He just rubbed my back in small circles, and gave me a chance to let out some of that suffocating pain as I cried into the comfortable fabric of his shirt. I don't think I've ever felt more secure than I did at that moment. It was a fake affection considering the circumstances, sure. And if my dad REALLY knew what I was crying about, he probably wouldn't wanna touch me at all. But for now, I didn't care. I'll take it. I just needed someone to hold me right then, you know? Somebody who was...stronger than I was at that moment. And he was...you know....'there'.
It was just weird I suppose. I spent the rest of the night tonight in my room. I just don't want to talk to anybody right now. There is no deeper pain on this planet than the one that exists with the thought of someone you love being with someone else. Wanting to give everything that you appreciate and honor and WORSHIP about that person to some other asshole. It digs in deep, until every nerve in your body is on fire and you can't even find the strength to cry about it anymore. I just sat on my bedroom floor and picked at the carpeting, with tears flooded up in my watery eyes that refused to fall. If only I had just let him fuck me. If only I hadn't been such a baby.
My memories only made things hurt worse. AJ was sooooo sweet that day when he first talked to me in the arcade. Just looking at him with his friends and stuff...he was the first boy to ever kiss me. The first boy to ever do ANYTHING to me. And now he's just gonna....go off and...'give' it away to this 'Scott' guy? Why? What did I do wrong? What makes me so lame and unlovable that AJ doesn't want his 'tasty boy' anymore? I just wish that I had never fallen in love with him in the first place. That's all. I feel like an idiot.
Oh...almost forgot. Lee wrote me an email to ask if I was mad at him. It was short, and had a little frowny faced emoticon after the question mark It was the kind of adorable display that would usually make me melt for the sole reason that I knew Lee's cute face was behind it. He just makes everything seem alive with little to no effort somehow. But tonight? Tonight I wasn't in the mood. And it only succeeded in reminding me of how much it sucks to have been dumped twice in the last two weeks. So I just erased the email and forgot about it. He knows how often I check my email though, and he later wrote back to say that we should talk. "Even if you just wanna yell at me for a while. It's ok. I just want to talk, ok?" Is what he said.
Well...he certainly left me an open avenue to blame him for everything that happened and totally bitch him out for not telling me and all. But honestly...I didn't really have the strength for that either. I'd rather just go to bed and sleep for a few months until my heart feels whole again. I've done all the talking I needed to do right here in this book.
G'night. I don't wanna write anymore.
- When you agree to do something with your parents past the age of 11...it's almost NEVER something that you won't secretly regret later. This was definitely one of those situations. I got up this morning, had some breakfast, and my Dad called bright and early so we could spend the day together. NOT something I was really looking forward to. Between being tired and being heartbroken, I'm surprised I was even able to get out of bed this morning. So, he asked me to come over and he told me he'd be here in a half hour to come pick me up. Not only was HE acting strange, but the second I hung up the phone, my mom turned into a freakazoid too. Nothing in this house feels 'real' anymore. Nothing feels stable. It's like I'm expecting the whole house to shift any second and have the furniture all go sliding out through the front windows or something. Still, for the sake of not having to 'talk' about it with either one of them, I kept my game face on and just went along peacefully without the use of handcuffs.
Seeing my dad's apartment was, in a word....'creepy'. I didn't exactly know how to respond to what I was seeing. I mean, first of all, the apartment was really small, and it was STILL half empty. And all of the furniture that WAS there, was all stuff that I had seen before. Grown up with. But...not. It was rearranged differently, and in a different household altogether. It was like there was this big piece of our house missing, and this bullshit apartment belonged to the heartless fucking burglar that swiped it from us. It felt 'uncomfortable' from the get go. It didn't even seem like it should fit in here. It was hard to keep from visibly wrinkling up my nose about the change.
Anyway, my dad tried to have this great 'buddy-buddy' type of male bonding afternoon with me, with ordered pizza and root beer and TV. But I just wasn't into it. I tried, and it wasn't hard to fake an interest, but this whole thing was so artificial. This wasn't my dad. This wasn't the relationship that we had. If he wanted this day to seem 'normal' to me, he should have set up a Playstation in the bedroom and let me play quietly by myself while he watched the football game in the living room. I dunno...it just didn't fit. Just like the furniture.
I didn't really stay that long. I didn't hop up and leave too soon, because I thought it might hurt his feelings. But I wasn't necessarily 'enjoying' myself there, so I didn't put up much of a fight when he asked if I was ready to go home. He told me that I can come by anytime that I wanted to, but I didn't let that register too deeply into my mind. Because that implies an extended stay for him away from home. And something tells me that I'm just not ready to deal with that just yet. I probably shouldn't even be writing it here in this book. But...you know....whatever.
When I got home, my mom totally gave me a subtle interrogation about what we did today and what we talked about. Call me crazy, but I didn't want to have that conversation with her. I don't know if it was because I didn't want her to know, or if it was because it made me feel like I was spying on my dad and reporting back to....the 'enemy' or something. It's hard to put into words. But I can tell you that I had spent the entire day uncomfortable at his house. I didn't need to feel it at home too.
It's times like this that I really miss Sam. He would have known what to say to me to cheer me up at times like this. Or at least put things in a better perspective. And even when I didn't tell him things, it felt good to know that there was someone out there that knew me just as well, if not better, than I knew myself. It was a comfort having a best friend. And as much as I tried to deny it, it aches to have him be so far away from my reach right now. I HATE that feeling!!! Because I know that, deep down, that means that he won. He got the girl, he got away with the crime, and he got to make me feel like shit in the process. He lost nothing. But what did I lose? A boyfriend, a girlfriend, my best friend, Lee, and possibly the stability of my parent's marriage. How is that even REMOTELY fair? If God has some kind of spectacular hero's trial or a plan for me to grow stronger from all this...I hope he reveals the prize before I end up throwing myself off of the highest downtown roof that I can gain access to.
I thought about calling Brandon...but.....what would I say? My mind has been recently twisted up over the idea of him possibly liking boys. Talking to him would be tense and awkward at best. I doubt I'd be able to concentrate on anything but how cute he sounded, or how awesome his laugh is, or how fucking DELICIOUS he would look naked. I can't even write about him in this book without breaking a sweat these days. Besides...I really didn't wanna suddenly burst out into any woes and problems of mine unannounced. You know? I can't just call him up with the sole purpose of begging for him to listen to me whine for an hour and a half about how much my life sucks. Then again...he might be one of the only people who understands He might actually not mind listening.
But I'll save that bold crusade for another day. Not tonight.
I am NOT calling AJ, that's for sure! And look desperate? Fuck that. I hope he's at home right now thinking about what he did. Thinking about how much Scott isn't HALF the boyfriend that I am, and how much he misses me instead of trying to run around with some sissy boy fling that he met on the internet. It's not like I have a super big ego or anything, but I treated AJ pretty damn good when we were together. He ALWAYS told me how cute I was, and I ALWAYS made him laugh and smile when we were together. And there was no competition at ALL when it came to us having sweet moments full of kissing and cuddling and just being...in love. You know? If Scott thinks he can swish his faggy little butt around and replace all that with a few grins and a bat of his lashes...he's wrong. I'd like to think that I meant more to AJ than that. He was my first, after all.
Then again, there's also another part of me that wonders if I'm making another mistake. If maybe they really ARE just friends, and I'm creating this whole thing in my mind again like I did last time they were together. I just didn't want to believe one way or the other until I was absolutely sure. For now, I'll just wait for AJ to call me back like he promised...and I'll yell at him about it then. I'll let him know that I don't like being lied to, and if he was 'hanging out' with Scott, then he could have just TOLD me instead of sneaking out behind my back. I'll put my foot down, and when he apologizes we'll be on equal terms again. At least..I hope we will. Only time will tell, I guess.
So...my weekend has, pretty much, been a total disaster. And the only thing I have to look forward to tomorrow is...more school. Wonderful. That's like taking a hungry, dehydrated, man out of the blazing hot desert....and then tossing him into shark infested waters with a steak tied around his neck. If it's not one bad thing, it's another. Whatever. I'm still holding out for that one day when I'll look back on all this and laugh.
Then again, somehow...I don't see that happening in the near future. So the game continues. Wish me luck.