- There's a certain piece inside of all of us that I think is constantly crying out for attention, and when we don't get it, it can really sting pretty deep. I guess that's what I'm feeling right now concerning AJ. It's been two days so far, and I doubt he'd call me this late. So this will basically make THREE days since he's talked to me, and he can't even bother to call my house. Not to explain what happened with Scott, not to invite me over for sex, not even to say hello. But you know what's worse? I actually still feel hurt by all of this. I mean, I get angry, sure. But more than anything, I just wanna forget about him like he obviously forgot about me...and I can't. In fact, the more I try to hate him enough to write him off and not care anymore, the more my heart yearns to be close to him again. I actually shed TEARS over the on of a bitch tonight, and it's the worst feeling in the world to know that he wouldn't do the same for me. He probably doesn't even fucking care. Great...here I go again. I'm gonna use up a half box of Kleenex if I don't stop being a sucker about all this. Anyway, it doesn't do me any good to write about him, so I'll just ignore the hurt and move on.
Something really weird happened earlier on today. There's this boy, Justin, in my English class...and I overheard him talking to some of his friends right outside of the classroom. Evidently, he and his new girlfriend were going to be 'doing the deed' this weekend, and he was going to finally get rid of the whole virgin persona forever. He was trying to be all laid back and cool about it, but when I think about it...he must have been terrified. Well, at least I was. Just a little bit. Everything felt really great, but to this day, I still don't know if I did everything right. I guess when someone is wrapping their lips around your privates for the first time, it's a bit hard to think of a textbook way to pleasure them in return. To be honest, I remember how it all felt, but I can barely remember how it happened. How it started, how it ended, how it went in between. If it wasn't for me writing it in this book, that memory might have gotten forever lost in the recesses of my mixed up teenage mind. I don't know why Justin would be in such a rush to get rid of the virgin bug anyway. The way he was talking about it, it was like fearfully swatting a giant tarantula spider off of his shoulder. Nobody wants to be a virgin at 14. But, now that it's gone, I kinda wish that I could do it all over for the first time again. Without being so freaked out and childish about the whole thing. Without having anything hurt or feel strange. And certainly with someone BESIDES AJ, so I can actually say that I'm proud of the experience.
And there I go.....thinking of him again.
Anyway, what struck me as being really odd, was the fact that this particular conversation seemed to make Justin so....'hot' to me. Is that weird? He's far from being ugly, of course, but I never really thought about him in that way before. And yet, somehow, the thought of Justin being naked and smooth and grinding on top of his girlfriend in those initial moments of passionate lovemaking...it forced this unshakably sexy vision of him to imbed itself in my mind. I couldn't stop thinking about it. I almost wish that I could watch. Maybe even 'participate'. Geez, I swear, this book is one day going to be used to show a group of therapists my slow and steady decent into madness. I can't be totally sane, writing stuff like this.
Seeing Brandon today was a weird experience. Another product of a mixed up mental image, formed by a random comment that may or may NOT be true. Once you think that a cute boy you know might be gay like you are...you look for it in everything he does. Everything he says. It's impossible not to. It's like your mind builds this entire second life for him that you never knew existed before. You start looking for him to say something or do something that'll give you the evidence you need to call him out And that makes things awkward. Because Brandon has always had a tendency to walk that fine line between 'innocently androgynous heterosexual teenager'.....and 'possibly frightened homosexual hottie' with ease. Which makes it difficult to figure out WHAT the hell is going on most times. Every time I get a hint that says he's gay, he totally flips on me and makes me doubt the idea that anyone so perfect could be so...readily 'available' to someone like me. It just doesn't make sense. Well, I mean, there's AJ. But that was a once in a lifetime lottery ticket, finding a boy my age who's cool and sweet and extremely cute and gay. It doesn't happen often, I'm sure.
(Sighhhh....stop fucking THINKING about him, Billy!!! ARRRGHHHH!!!)
But chances are, that kind of a find isn't a normal occurrence. Still, with Brandon, I wonder sometimes.
So Brandon and I made small talk at best. But the more I think about kissing him, the harder it gets to breathe around him. I mean...the feeling is like...REALLY strong! Have you ever stared at the lips of someone you wanted to kiss really bad before? They seem so soft and wet and...they move so erotically with every word that they say. At one point, Brandon licked his lips briefly, and I felt like I was having an orgasm just standing there in front of him. Damn Jimmy for putting these stupid ideas in my head. I feel like my heart is starting to put him in the same category as Jamie Cross now. That silent, untouchable, conquest that any teenage boy would go nuts just 'trying' to achieve. I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing. One one hand...I feel like I want to be around Brandon more than ever. But on the other hand, the idea of him and I being 'friends'...and nothing more...is starting to fade so far into the background, that what we share on a daily basis is beginning to seem..well...pointless. I hate to say that, but it's true. I don't WANT to be his 'pal'! It fucking hurts to not have 'more' of him. And the last thing I want to do is treat Brandon the way I treated Simon. So...maybe I should just back off for now, and let this little crush of mine pass over me before I royally screw things up forever.
That's all for now. I'll write more tomorrow. Later.
- I got another email from Lee tonight. And he put the saddest little pout faced emoticon on it. Even worse than before. Grrr...I can't even deny that he's cute when I'm MAD at him. Basically, he just asked, "So you're not even gonna talk to me now?" Like I said before, I was kinda glad that I had someone to still punish emotionally for everything, since Sam and Joanna stopped caring. But it sucked doing it.
Yuck....'Sam and Joanna'. I can't believe that I have to say their names 'together' when I speak about them now. It's like this stupid pseudo-name for the couple, like...'Benifer' or 'Bradgelina'. I don't even wanna think about what they're doing with each other these days. But they've been dating 'officially' for three weeks now. In high school, that's like...having a friggin' fiance. And they're still supposedly very happy together. But...I still wonder if they're 'doing it' every day after school. I mean, Justin has only been dating his girlfriend for two and a HALF weeks, and they're gonna 'do it' this weekend. So.....I guess it's safe to say that Joanna isn't a virgin anymore. And....neither is my Sam. Sighhhh....I really wish it could have been me. For either one of them. I would have made it really special for either one of them. It hurts so much to think that they could share something like that without me. Since we're not talking, I didn't even get to hear Sam talk about it afterwards I always had this fantasy that Sam and I would somehow end up together as boyfriends...and live happily ever after. Weird, right? I remember once, in the 6th grade, when I was determined to make a move on him one night when he slept over at my house. And I had to keep leaving the room because I couldn't stop shaking. Damn....he looked so adorable that night. Just a t-shirt and his boxers. He was so cute that I chickened out completely. It was intimidating, you know? Now...now I just wish I had that night back. So that I could have been his first time out. So that he could have been mine as opposed to being her's. I suppose that ship has already sailed for the Joanna Islands, huh?
Well, getting back to Lee, I didn't answer again. He knows I'm mad at him, I don't know why I need to clarify why. The only problem is that it seems much harder to STAY mad at Lee than I thought it would be. But that's probably due to the fact that I still harbor the goofiest infatuation for him, and even though I don't plan to ever do anything about it, I can't seem to shake it off of me. Whatever. He can suffer for a little while. At least for as long as I had to suffer not knowing that my girlfriend was cheating on me behind my back while he fucking stood back and fucking watched the whole FUCKING thing crumble without telling me!!! If nothing else, he could have at least kept me from looking like a goddamn idiot in front of the whole damn school! I don't think things can ever be the same between us again. Ever. Because deep down...that thought is always going to be right there in the back of my mind, asking me how he could do that to me.
Ooh, cool story! I saw Bobby Jinette in the gym locker room, and he seemed awfully 'jolly' today. Not for any particular reason that I could see, but there was an unmistakable grin on his lips. So I asked him what was up, and he's all like, "Nothing. I'm just in an awesome mood today. That's all." He was bouncing around and practically giggling in my face. I didn't understand it at ALL. At least, not until later.
So I go to lunch with Brandon, and HE tells me that Bobby invited him to go over to his house after school today!!! I mean...what the FUCK??? I thought I gave Bobby the CRYSTAL clear message that my Brandon was 'HANDS OFF'?!?! I thought he got the hint. And now he's asking Brandon over to his house behind my back? What is his fucking malfunction anyway? Why can't he paw and scrape at the feet of some other teenage hunk? They've got nice asses and luscious boners to suck on! Why Brandon? And what's worse...why did he agree to even GO??? This is bad. This is really bad. If Brandon is gay, and Bobby is obviously gay, then what happens if they find out about each other? Maybe it'll be just like the thing with Justin. Once you think of someone being an actual sexual person...they automatically tap into some hidden part of you that just makes them beautiful. Even if only for a few minutes. Shit...if they're alone today, and that happens, then Bobby is going to come into school tomorrow with an even BIGGER smile on his face than before. And I'll miss Brandon's first time too. Awwww....this was a real sucker punch in the fucking nuts coming from Bobby Jinette. And I don't even have enough time to come up with a counter maneuver. Very smart, Bobby. Very smart indeed. I hope he realizes that this is war now.
Speaking of war, on a short side note, AJ still hasn't called. And I think my heart is starting to harden up enough where I can keep it from ripping me apart inside like it was before. At least for now. It feels like my feelings finally have a bit of a defense from whatever game it is that he's playing with me. Albeit a very weak defense. Hopefully it helps until he calls me again.
I got a chance to talk to Jimmy tonight. Which he was really happy about. Even after all this time, he still feels kinda honored that THE 'Billy Chase' would bless him with a personal phone call. Can you imagine? I didn't know that I was such a...celebrity in his world. People have been treating him better at school, and he's made some good friends that don't mind that he's gay. All of them girls, of course, but he's gotten himself a little group of femme fatales to hear him out whenever he's feeling down. Naturally...I love Jimmy like a brother, and I'm glad that things are going great for him. But I'm also a little...I dunno...I guess 'jealous' is the word I'm looking for. I mean, he's not...hurting anymore. He still treats me like the greatest thing since sliced bread, but there was a time when I was like, the only shining star in his life. And now I wonder if his new friends will soon be taking my place in his life. He likes me, but he won't really 'need' me anymore. And that's when folks start getting distant and moving away from you to do their own thing. It's too bad. Because I was really beginning to like Jimmy a lot. He's my very first kiss after all.
Anyway, we talked for a bit, and he told me about this major party that's going on at Corey Parker's house this Saturday. He sounded really excited about it all, and said that pretty much everybody was invited to show up. It sounds like it would be an awesome time, and I know Corey well enough to ask him if I could come without him having any issues about it. There's just one big problem...if I go, I'd pretty much have to go by myself I never really went to a party by myself before. I ALWAYS had people to go with. And if not a small group of other kids, it was always me and Sam, the dynamic duo, showing up side by side. People kind of expected it. But since I never know what to expect of Brandon these days, Sam and I aren't speaking, and Joanna and Lee are kind of on my current shitlist...I'm sorta left out in the cold this time around. Not to mention the fact that I don't wanna go if it means seeing any of them there all hugged up and cozy together. "Dude, why don't you roll with us? It'll be fun." Jimmy said. "Sit next to Stacy! She thinks you are SO fucking hot! She probably would have jumped you by now if I didn't claim you for myself." He giggled.
That kinda woke me up. "Wait...you tell other people that you like me?" I asked him, and I swear you could hear him blushing through the phone.
"Well....yeah. I don't mind." He says, being all shy and quiet about it. "YOU don't mind....do you?"
And I'm like, "NO! I don't mind. It's just....I didn't know. That's all." Which he liked. So I guess there are a group of girls that know how he feels about me, which is kinda cool. But so help me...I'll KILL him if he tells anybody that I let him kiss me on the mouth!
Anyway, I didn't say 'yes' to the party invite, but I didn't say 'no' either. I left it open with a nonchalant 'maybe', and that seemed to be good enough for Jimmy. We hung up shortly after that. I don't know...maybe I should go. If I don't show up, won't it look like I'm purposely trying to avoid everybody? Like I'm all broken up over the break up or something? I should go. I'm going. I'll have a good time, and if they show up, I'll just ignore them. Whatever it takes to appear ok in the eyes of the masses.
I'm getting sleepy, so I'm going to bed now. I had homework, but I'm just going to tell my teacher that I left it at home. I don't have the brain power to tackle that shit right now. If I get up early enough, maybe I'll take a shot at rushing through it in the morning. For now....I'm due for some zzz's. Later.