- I'm not really going to get into it, but right now...I just want to state that it has now been FOUR days, and AJ still doesn't seem to care that I'm not talking to him. He's not even REMOTELY worried about the fact that I might be fucking pissed at him! Don't worry, I'm not going to rant and rave about it again. I just..........whatever.
Anyway, I kinda remembered what Jimmy said to me on the phone last night. You know, about Stacy liking me. Now, I'm definitely NOT looking for a girlfriend! I'm really not. But...it's weird...I hear that somebody likes me or thinks that I'm hot, and it makes me feel funny. I get curious as to why and I can't stop thinking about it. I don't think there's anything much to like. I mean...I'm just being honest when I say that I'm not all that cute. Not cute enough to have girls falling all over me like they do. At least, I don't think so. She makes me wonder what she sees when she looks at me. Is she like, all infatuated and spacey and stuff? Over ME? Whatever it is, I was curious enough to look for it when I saw Stacy at school today. She walked past me, looked me in the eyes for maybe a brief second while I stood there looking stupid...and then totally pretended not to notice me at all. Sigh...girls. How the hell did mankind 'decode' women to the point of ever being able to populate this planet? Who knows, maybe Jimmy got it wrong. Or maybe Jimmy meant another Stacy altogether. That's what I thought at first But when I looked back behind me, she was totally checking me out. HONEST! I blushed really badly and kinda walked around a corner so she wouldn't see me, and I got extremely nervous inside again. I don't know why that always scares me so much...having people stare at me. It always did, even when I was little. It's like this forced vanity that they put on you. This spotlight. And everything you do feels wrong and awkward and you feel dumb just for being there. Well...whatever it is that makes Stacy think I'm such a cutie pie, I wish it worked on Brandon.
Yes, it's Brandon time again.
I asked him if he had a good time at Bobby Jinette's house yesterday, and he said he did. But that was it. I asked a few more questions, like 'what did you do?' and 'was his room cool?' and 'then what?'.....anything to get Brandon to give me some DETAILS for crying out loud. But you know what? It was just like that time they went to that concert together. Brandon just remained pretty tight lipped about the whole experience. It was like he didn't even want to discuss it with me. He'd shrug his shoulders a lot, like it was no big deal, and he'd try to change the subject a lot to make the conversation about me again. It was beyond frustrating. Because I knew that it could only mean one thing...he was hiding something Something about him and Bobby. Were they kissing? Or maybe full blown making out? Or WORSE? The more he dodged my questions, the more worried I got that the game was totally over and Bobby had officially beaten me to the punch. I knew I should have tried to jump Brandon's bones when I had the chance. Maybe it's not too late. I mean if Scott can just move in on MY boyfriend the way he did and not give a flying FUCK about the fact that we......
No....I'm not gonna talk about him.
So Brandon's escapades were pretty well hidden from me as far as our conversation was concerned. But that doesn't mean that I can't ask Bobby what happened. Which is exactly what I plan to do tomorrow. I'll get to the bottom of this. I don't understand why I need to know so badly...but....I won't be able to rest easy until I know for sure. I just...I have to know for my own peace of mind. Still...I really hope that nothing happened. NOTHING. If I can't cuddle up naked next to Brandon and kiss him for hours on end, I don't want any other boys doing it either.
Anyway, it's early, but the teacher already embarrassed the hell out of me in class for not having my homework today. Stupid fucking teachers. Do they have ANY idea how humiliating their asinine little comments are for us??? Like I don't have enough to deal with. So I'm gonna make sure I finish everything up tonight. Besides, my dad is on the phone with my mom right now, and it'll give me a reason to just stay in my room for now. My Dad called and talked to me like everything was great. But the second he said, "Put your mother on the phone." I knew that the 'fun' was over. Right now, they're trying to be quiet and have a whispered 'argument' at the same time. It doesn't work. I can hear everything. I have to turn my CD payer up just to STOP from hearing it. Anyway, I think my mom is hurt about something, and I just don't wanna be involved in that mess right now. This situation was getting to be a lot more 'real' than I wanted it to be. I really can't wait until this is over.
So...goodnight. I'll write more tomorrow. I still haven't decided if I'm going to that party on Saturday, but right now, I'm leaning more towards 'no'. We'll see.
(By the way..fuck you, AJ!)
- Dammit! Hang up the phone already! I'm not calling him. Why should I call AJ first??? Huh? HE'S the asshole in all this! In fact, I should call him and tell him that. I should call and tell him flat out that it's over between us. I'm not some stupid little kid that he can just push around like this. I'm not some desperate geek who needs his sex and affection, and has to resort to begging for it over the phone. It's been almost, like, a WEEK since he's even bothered to talk to me. WHY??? To hell with him!
Arrrgh! This fucking SUCKS! Because a part of me just wants to tell him to fuck off, a part of me wants to ask what's wrong, make sure this isn't some stupid mistake, and get him to love me again, and a part of me wants to FIGHT for my fucking boyfriend and make him see that Scott isn't HALF the man that I am! But...all of those options, unfortunately, depend on me caving in and calling him on the phone before he calls me. They're based on me being a weakling, a pushover, a gullible little toddler who is going to end up reinforcing his every idea that I'm absolutely nothing without him, and therefore he can treat me however he wants to treat me. That's all I ever do. Kick me in the stomach, and I come back for more. Kick me again, and I come back for more. Sighhh....
You know what? This is stupid. I should just call AJ. Just call him up and get this over with so at least I'll know for sure that he's done with me. Come on, Billy. Quit being a damn 'baby' about it and just call him. Even if he tells me to fuck off and he never wants to see me again, at least I'll know. It's better than just having some fucking empty *HOLE* in my existence where I spend years wondering where I went wrong and how I fucked things up so badly that he could just 'cut me off' this way. How....fucking...HEARTLESS...do you have to be to just 'stop' talking to somebody? What the hell is that? I thought he CARED about me! At least he did at ONE point! So what's with this fucking 'dismissal' all of a sudden???
Ok...this is just getting to be a problem. I love AJ, I really do, but the clock is ticking here. I'll wait a bit longer. JUST a little bit longer, though. Until Saturday. No...Sunday.
Ok...well...I'll give him until next Friday....but that's IT! I swear! He's gonna wonder what the hell happened to me by then, I'm sure of it. So..yeah...next Friday. That's the day. After that, forget it. So...so there.
Ok, three big things happened today. Unfortunately, none of them involve me winning the lottery and buying myself a hot blond boy-slave to service me for the next ten years of my life. But they're still pretty cool.
One, I saw Justin today in the gym locker room, and naturally...my mind went straight to thoughts of him and his adventure this past weekend. He had been talking about finally getting a chance to screw his girlfriend and having it all set and ready to go. And something about that just made him...'desireable' to me. I never thought about him like that before, but thinking of somebody having sex...it just...I don't know...makes you them seem passionate. Weird. To be honest, as he was undressing to put on his gym shorts, I got some serious wood going in my boxers. I couldn't help it. Thank God nobody else saw it. I tried my best to see something, like...something 'hot', you know? First of all, his chest is really flat, and he has these suckable pecs that have like a couple of little freckles on them. It's very sexy. Well, I think so anyway. And his stomach is really smooth and creamy too. So that part was cool. But he wouldn't turn around for me to see what he was packing in front. I mean, I couldn't just walk up and peek over his shoulder. I was trying to be kinda 'sneaky' about it. But he was turned in such a way that it blocked everything from my view. Grrrrr! And he still wears tighty whitey underwear briefs. So it would have been, like, right there in my FACE if I had gotten a chance to get into position. I even called his name out to ask him what time it was...hoping that he'd turn around and show me the goods. But he just sorta craned his neck around and answered me over his shoulder while still facing the lockers. Sighhh...we need mirrors in that gym locker room. I DID notice that he has a really nice ass though. Not as nice as Brandon's...but nice. I'd love to squeeze it and push my face against it while hugging his thighs from behind. Mmmm...that would be hot. Hehehe, not that I have ANY feelings for Justin whatsoever. If anything, I doubt we could even manage to be friends, much less a sex-couple. But looking at his body, his butt especially, I can totally see him having sex with a girl. TOTALLY. She's gonna love having him on top of her I know I would.
Incident number two, I gave Bobby Jinette the sort of subtle interrogation that my mom gave me when I went to my dad's apartment for the first time. I must have picked up some pointers somewhere along the way. So I'm all like, "Hey Bobby. What's up dude?"
And he's all, "Nothing." But I notice he's still really kinda happy. So, I figure I'll start there, and I ask him what's going on to make him so happy. And he says, "Nothing. I just had some good luck lately, that's all"
So I'm thinking, "AHA!!! You son of a bitch! You fucked my Brandon!" But I tried to keep it cool. So I say, "Did you and Brandon have 'fun' yesterday?"
And he's all like, "Yep! Tons!" And he fucking giggled at me! What the hell was THAT about! I almost wanted to HIT him! But he didn't finish, he just kinda left it at that and kept smiling. Which both angered and depressed me at the same time. To be completely honest, it crossed my mind that giving him a black eye would make him a little less attractive for about a week, and I could have Brandon all to myself. But that's not really sane thinking. So I let it go. ANYWAY...I'm feeling all sad and alone, when I see Brandon in the library, and he wants me to sit next to him. And he asks me how things are going with me and Sam. Which is weird, because him and Sam don't necessarily...um...'get along', you know? But I tell him that I don't wanna talk to Sam anymore. I'm done.
And Brandon says, I kid you not, "Well, you've got me. You know, if you need a friend. Or something." And those were his exact words. 'Or something'. You hear that? 'Or SOMETHING'. And I swear on everything Holy....I had a quick flash of that..um...what do you call it? That thing that lets you know when people are gay like you? Well, yeah, THAT thing...it went off BIG TIME! Just for a second, but it was so strong that it nearly knocked me out of my chair.
So I'm thinking..."WHOAH!!! OMIGOD!!! HE'S GAY! HE'S REALLY GAY!!!" But then again, I'm ALSO thinking, "Oh no! He's gay, but he's been humping with Bobby when nobody else is around!" But THEN I started thinking, "What if he's gay, and used to like Bobby, but NOW he likes me instead?" So...I don't know what any of this means, but I feel like I've been crushed under a tidal wave of emotions all at once. I'm telling you, I practically danced my way home today! I SO wanted to call him tonight and talk for a while to see if I could get that little alarm thingy to go off again, but I got scared. In a good way this time, though! I'm SO excited! So much, in fact....that I'm kinda thinking of inviting him to Corey Parker's party this Saturday! Do you think he'll say yes? Omigod, I hope he says yes! It's not a date or anything, but we'll be...like...'together'. It's perfect. Maybe he'll kiss me! Ohhhh, I'd totally MELT if he kissed me! Hehehe! Ok, and the THIRD incredible thing that happened to me today? And this one is a bit of a shocker. Jamie Cross knows my NAME! I had to stare at that sentence for a bit, because it's so....strange to see! At the very end of school today, I was rushing through the hall to get out of that place, and I accidentally bumped into him by mistake. And Jamie Cross says to me, "Sorry, Billy. My fault, man." WHAAAAAAT????? 'Sorry, BILLY'! Not, 'sorry, stupid little freshman pig that I wouldn't spit on or push out of the way of a moving car'....but he said 'Billy'! That's ME! That's MY name! Why in the hell does Jamie Cross (the most magnificent specimen of teen boy blond hotness) know my name??? Not HOW does he know it, but WHY does he know it? I mean, I nearly fainted when he said that and patted me lightly on the shoulder. In all the time that I've been loving and lusting and DREAMING about Jamie's fucking hot wet gorgeous BONER sliding in and out of my mouth while I practically sucked the fillings out of my own teeth....I don't think he ever ONCE spoke my name out loud before! At least not to me! I totally had to put my backpack in front of myself to hide my stiffy from him when he said that. I don't even remember if I said anything back to him. He kinda just said it and then kept walking. As though that moment hadn't greatly impacted the rest of my natural life on planet Earth. I'm still breathless. I've been kicking my feet off of the edge of this bed all night long. Every time I think about his lips forming the word 'Billy', I get hard again. I've already jacked off like FOUR times today! Of course, one of those was about Brandon...but the other three...all Jamie. Sigh....he makes me SO crazy!
So, all bullshit aside, even though AJ is still a major jerk...I had a good day! Justin's cute, Brandon's still the prettiest, sweetest, and most amazing boy ever, and the hottest boy in school knows my name. This is one of the entries I'm gonna be GLAD to look back on someday! Maybe after Jamie and I are living together on a remote island somewhere. Somewhere without clothes. Where all we have to eat and live off of is each other's semen. Hahaha! That would be so hot!
Gotta run before anything in my life suddenly goes sour! I kinda wanna keep this entry the way it is. See ya later!