- Ok...as much as I hate to fess up to it...I am EXTREMELY fucking horny right now! Today has been nearly IMPOSSIBLE to get through! I've been touching and adjusting myself damn near every ten minutes, and it just keeps getting stiff on me. All through school, with or without a book to hide it, hands in or out of my pockets. I can't get it to stop. Even when I'm limp it feels like it's tingling...just WAITING for a light breeze to brush past it so it can start up all over again. Sighhh..I really miss AJ. He's the reason why this is so bad right now. Ok, well...'MISS' is a strong word, I think. I mean...maybe I do, and maybe I don't. But whichever one it is, I really need some damn SEX right now, and he's the only person that I know is a guaranteed orgasm every time I see him. Does that make me a 'user'...I hope not. I don't mean to be. It's just...arrgh...I thought about him more than anybody today, and I really REALLY want him on top of me right now. I want to kiss and suck and..at this point, I'd even let him enter me again. I just....I NEED him to touch me right now. Hold me, lick me, and make me feel wanted and sexy. Reading what I'm writing down in here, it sounds pretty twisted to think of him first, I know. But...dammit, it's not like that. Not really. I just don't know how to say it right, I guess. Despite all the things that AJ did to make me feel miserable, my body aches for him all day long. Even though I usually have my cast of wet dream fantasies constantly spinning around in my head...AJ is the only one that I know from an actual 'experience'. I know how he tastes, and how he moves, and how he moans when I'm doing something right. God...I'm getting SO turned on right now just writing about him.
I know that I'm going to regret doing this. But...maybe I'll call him this weekend and see if he wants to get together for a while. Just for a little bit. An hour or two. I mean, after THAT, I'll be done with it all and I won't give him ANY more sex until he starts meeting me halfway on this relationship! But, I just wanna feel him up against me, and I know he'll say yes if I ask him to. I'm his 'tasty boy', and if nothing else...he enjoys making love to me over and over again. That's something I can count on.
Anyway, I went to school today and kinda saw Jamie Cross over by the big library. It crossed my mind a million times to go over and maybe try to say hello. I mean, I've never really felt like I had the opportunity to engage in an 'open' conversation with him before. So I paced back and forth a bit, and I was kinda watching him from a distance out of the corner of my eye. He knows my name and all. So it shouldn't be too weird if I just rush by really fast and squeak a timid little greeting without stopping, right? Then I started thinking, "What if he rejects me?" Like...what if I say hello, and he sneers at me, wondering why I would even bother working up the nerve to speak to him when I'm so obviously much lower on the social scale than he is. Awww...I mean...just LOOK at him! He's drop dead gorgeous, he majorly popular, his body is like...perfection. What chance do I have of standing next to him and actually being able to control myself? Not much. I promise you that. ESPECIALLY on a horny day like today. So, yeah, you guessed it. I chickened out. It's no biggie though. I'm used to being a terrified little gutless rat when it comes to the likes of him.
I also kinda think that things might be getting better with Simon. We haven't spoken a word to one another since the whole 'dumping me as a friend' thing, and I kinda didn't expect our companionship to ever come back from that. But today when he looked at me, and I looked back, he didn't seem to hate me as much as he did before. It was just something that I got from the look on his face, that's all. I didn't say anything, but I sorta nodded my head a little bit, and he seemed ok with that. We're still not talking, and it still hurts. But I guess I can safely say that we are now resting at an official 'truce' if nothing else, for now.
I talked to Brandon at lunch today, which seemed like it was more fun for me than it was for him. I don't know, he seemed kinda distant and unfocused, and I really just wanted a bit more of his attention than I was getting. He DID pick up when I talked to him about Corey Parker's party tomorrow though. I didn't think Brandon would really be that interested, since I've only seen him at one party before in my life. He's usually much too quiet for that kinda thing. But he perked up a bit, and it was...cute. (Big surprise, me thinking that something Brandon was doing was cute. Psh!) So I asked him if maybe he wanted to go, and he was like, "I dunno....maybe. Maybe I'll meet you up there or something." He was kinda shy when he said it though, and I didn't know if he really meant it or if he was just blowing me off. But...if there's a chance that he'll be there..maybe I should give this 'party' thing some more serious thought. He didn't make any promises, but like I said, he was being spacey today.
Other than that, school was a monotonous sack of boredom that made me extremely happy that the weekend was finally here at last. I swear, every teacher that I had today was in a bad mood for one reason or another. I think they all get PMS at the same time or something. The men too. I practically ran screaming from the building when it was time for the last bell to ring.
I got another email from Lee tonight, and this time...he was trying to be all cute and was making jokes and stuff. As though he could just slide back into my life where he was before and not have to deal with the situation that stopped me from talking to him in the first place. But tonight, instead of ignoring him like I was before, I actually answered back and said, "I'm not laughing." I didn't say anything more than that. I mean...the nerve. It was insulting that he would try to make a 'joke' around me when I'm going to have to spend the rest of my life hurting over this. Anyway, he wrote back and said that he wanted to talk. But I told him, "Forget it."
So Lee is like, "Why?" With his little pouty emoticon thingy again, acting like he cared.
So I say, "WHY??? You totally betrayed me, dude! That's SO not cool!"
And he's all like, "How so???" Can you BELIEVE that?
I told him, "You know damn well what you did! You should have told me what was going on! I don't even know why I'm talking to you right now!"
And he writes back, "C'mon, Billy! I couldn't tell you! I didn't even want to be around them when they were doing that stuff. And I knew it was kinda fucked up. But it's not like I wanted you to get hurt."
So I'm like, "Whatever."
And he says, "Joanna would have hated me forever."
So, I sent him ONE last email to say, "Well, I guess it's MY turn to hate you forever now. Goodbye." And that was it. I signed off and left it at that. He didn't write back, even though I checked my mail three more times tonight to make sure. I guess that was that. I got what I had to say off of my chest, and I probably should have said something sooner. But...for some STUPID emotional reason...I have a feeling that it hurt ME more to say that stuff to Lee than it hurt him to hear it. I don't know...whatever. Maybe it's better this way.
Despite that bit of ugliness, Jimmy LaPlane called me tonight and really made me smile. Maybe he was just in a giddy mood or something, but it really was cool, in a strange way. He reminded me about the party tomorrow and asked if I was still going. I still wasn't sure if I even wanted to go..but Jimmy really wanted me to accompany him and his friends, and now Brandon might be going too. So...maybe this is a sign that I should, like, 'make an appearance' or something. Jimmy was practically hustling me into going, not even giving me the chance to THINK about saying no. And when I told him that Brandon might go, and he was definitely happy to hear that. In fact, Jimmy said, "Awesome! Now I've got another super hot boy to stare at besides just you." Hehehe! It was so easy for him to make me blush over the phone. So anyway, we're talking and talking, right? And Jimmy got quiet for a minute and says, "Soooo.....Stacy is going with us too. She kinda.....wants to know...if you're bringing anybody, or anything."
And I told him, "Nope. Just going with you guys."
"Oh..." He said, and it sounded kinda disappointed. "But...you don't WANT a date, right? Because I think she kinda...wants to ask, so..." He trailed off, and I guess I didn't come back with an answer fast enough for him to feel at ease. "Anyway, forget it. I shouldn't have asked."
"Shouldn't have asked what?" I said.
And he's like, "Nothing. Never mind." Then he asks me, "Do you like her? Stacy, I mean? It's cool if you do. You can tell me. I don't mind."
I really REALLY didn't know how to answer that question at all. So I just sorta said, "I don't think so. I don't know. I don't know her that well." Was that an open enough answer? I hope so.
So Jimmy goes, "Oh. Ok. Well...she's going, so...just so ya know." He seemed a little bit happier with the answer I gave him. I don't think he's over his crush on me at all. I can easily tell. "She's not all that great anyway. She talks a lot. And she can be really vain sometimes too. Trying to be all pretty and stuff."
I giggled, and said, "Dude...are you 'gossiping' with me right now?" He laughed at me when I said it, and I made it worse when I asked him, "Are you trying to 'girl talk' to me? Is that what this is?"
"Hahaha! I'm sorry! It's TRUE though. I just figured I'd tell you." He giggled uncontrollably, and then after a slight pause he said, "She has a pimple on her ass, you know?"
"Aww, Jimmy! Gross! Don't tell me shit like that!" We both laughed out loud, and I'm like, "Dude...that's SO wrong!"
And he says, "It's true, she told me! But don't tell her I said anything. She'll hurt us both." So I asked him why he was telling me all this, and he came right out and said, "Because...I'm jealous. It's not fair for her to get you. I wanna be your date instead." I kinda giggled, but he didn't laugh as loud at that statement. So I asked him if he was serious, and he said, "Yeah. Sorta." And then he said, "I SO wanna kiss you, Billy."
I'm like, "You already DID kiss me!"
And he's all, "But I wanna kiss you again someday. Last time was all fast and I didn't get a chance to...you know...'enjoy' it." And I asked what more he could want, and he grinned evilly into the phone with a dirty thought, which made us both snicker to ourselves for a moment. Then he said, "Seriously though...you're a good kisser."
And I said, "Really? I wouldn't know."
But he was starting to sigh and fidget around a bit on his end of the phone. "Well, I would. And you're definitely a good kisser, Billy." His voice got kinda quiet and raspy, and for some reason it made me nervous. Like..that 'good' kinda nervous, you know? Then he goes, "I wanna, like...French with you for a while. You know...like...really make out, and lay down and stuff?" He was trembling now, and I was trembling too. And just hearing his voice made me REALLY hard over the phone! I think it was just all this stuff with me not getting any from AJ or whatever, but Jimmy was really making me hot at that particular moment, and instead of trying to shy away from it and spare him the hurt feelings...I let him keep talking.
So he was, like, talking about kissing me on the neck, and how good it would feel, and how long he had been dreaming about me. And the whole time, I'm like, "Uh huh....yeah....really?" I wasn't, like, encouraging him, I don't think. But I didn't really make any attempts to stop him either.
And whenever I giggled a little bit from one of his whispered comments, he would sigh again, and say, "I mean it." Or "I'm serious." And then he'd ask, "Do you believe me?" And I told him I did, and then his breathing got funny, and I think he might have been...like...touching himself or something. And I got really REALLY nervous all of a sudden and decided to stop while I was ahead.
So I'm like, "Dude, I've gotta go. But call me, like, an hour before you guys leave for the party. Ok?"
And he said, "Do you really have to go? Can you stay on for like...five more minutes." But I told him I couldn't, and he just told me, "Ok. Well, I'll see you tomorrow, k?" I told him that would be cool. And then he said, "I love you, Billy, k?" But I couldn't really tell if that was like a friendly 'I love ya buddy' type of thing, or if he actually meant, 'I love you'. So I kinda panicked and told him goodbye and hung up.
So now that I'm going to bed, I have to worry about whether or not I'm going to be able to see him tomorrow and not freak out about what just happened. Arrrgh! How do I even get INTO these situations, anyway? Jimmy's sweet, but he's not really in love with me, is he? I hope not. That would ruin everything between us. I'm glad I didn't come out to him. It would have made things MUCH more difficult. I guess I'll just have to wait and see what happens tomorrow, won't I? Wish me luck.