- Well, Simon came over. Stayed a while, played some video games...then he...'left'. Sighhhh....he left. I don't fucking get it! What did I do wrong? Maybe I showered too much, who knows? I know what it was...this STUPID shirt! I wore blue today. I should have worn red like I planned to! STUPID! Red is the color of love, EVERYBODY knows that! Red would have brought out my light brown eyes and contrasted my blond hair perfectly. I'd know that if I was more 'gay' and had my styles right. There's some random hetero gene in me somewhere that keeps me from knowing how to dress sometimes. Ugh! I can't believe I screwed this up and let him get away from me today.
So he comes over to my house with me right after school, right? And by the time I get to the back door, I'm shaking like crazy becuse I'm thinking, 'omigod, this is it! We're gonna totally have sex now!' So I started getting all nervous and stupid, and I'm just sure he noticed. I'll just bet you he friggin' noticed. That's why he didn't try anything with me today. He looked so damn cute when he came over too. I kept trying to move closer to him while we were playing video games, but even when I was touching his leg with my own, he didn't budge an inch. It felt good though, just to touch him a little bit. I really just wanted to lean over and kiss him on the lips! You know, kinda by surprise? I was sooo close, and he smelled so good, and he was concentrating so hard on the video game that he wouldn't have even noticed me doing it until it was too late for him to pull away. I wanted to push my tongue in his mouth and just hump him all over! But...I just couldn't. Arrrgh! I am SUCH a fucking chicken! I'll just bet he was waiting for me to make the first move today and I screwed it up. I'll just bet you that was what happened. If I had worked up the guts to kiss him, I would have gotten some, and I'd be sitting here writing down how incredibly exciting and sexy and mindblowing my afternoon orgie was with a cute blond boy from school. Instead, I'm just sitting here with my bottom lip stuck out and pouting to myself about how I fucked it up by being a complete COWARD! Sometimes I really hate myself.
It's just not fair, you know? I mean...HE could have made the first move too! I don't know why *I* have to be the one with all the gusto. I even tried wrestling around with him a little bit when it was time for him to go. I guess I kinda panicked when he got up to put his shoes back on. I didn't want him to leave without me at least putting my mouth on him somewhere nasty. So I just kinda...tackled him on the bed and started fooling around with him. I was hoping that rolling around a little would get his attention, and maybe make him hard. But...sigh...he just laughed at me. Like we were just 'playing around' or something. Then he says, "Billy, really...I've gotta go." But he's still smiling up at me, and I'm on top of him, and I don't want to let him go, and...after a few minutes I got up and had to let him go anyway. I should have kissed him while I was on top of him. Just like in that damn "New Kid" story online! Stupid story! Shit just doesn't happen like that. Not to ME, anyway.
I am going to be kicking myself about this for a long long time to come. I took all of those showers for nothing. I saved SPERM for that boy! Now I'm TWICE as horny as before and I'm still a virgin.
I'm going to go lay on my bed and hump the sheets or something pathetic like that until I get some relief. He was RIGHT here, and I screwed it up. Life is just a big old bowl of shit sometimes.
- Didn't even really feel like writing yesterday. It would have just been another rant about the other day anyway. I saw Simon in school yesterday and today, kinda hoping that he'd be a little 'friendlier' to me after rolling around and stuff. But he wasn't. It was the same old Simon. He said he had a good time though, so I suppose that's a plus. Not MUCH of a plus, but a plus nonetheless. Who knows, maybe he's just really shy. I suppose I could try again sometime next week when he can come over again. We'll see. But somehow I doubt he'll ever want to come visit again with me acting like such a doofus all the time. God, I suck.
Well, Sam has been doing a little more snooping around on my behalf about the girl who likes me, and it seems that it is definitely NOT Celia. Even though she said that she thought I was "really hot", when he asked. That's a direct quote, by the way. Well, at least that's what Sam told me, and it made me blush, but I'm flattered. To be honest, I think she likes me anyway. But I guess she's not the girl directly in question. So the search continues. The bad thing is...I didn't think about the consequences of actually finding out who it is. I mean, as soon as Sam or somebody else tells me who it is...I'm gonna have to, like, make a decision right there on the spot. I'm either going to have to say 'yes, I'll date you', and let everyone keep thinking I'm straight. Or, I'm going to have to say 'no, I'm sorry', and crush her into the cement floor. And possibly have people wonder if I'm NOT straight.
Geez, after all of the staring and the ogling and the mental molestation that I toss in Jamie Cross' direction, I can't IMAGINE what it would be like if he were to just say 'no' to me and walk away. It would MURDER me inside!!! What if I do that to someone else? What if she ends up really hating me for it in the end? Great. Just great. As though I don't have ENOUGH to feel bad about, now I've got this on my shoulders too.
Now I don't know if I want to know who this girl is or not. If I break this girl's heart, it'll follow me for a long long time! Like...THREE WEEKS or something! I'll be wearing this big 'heartbreaker' stigma on my forehead until somebody else decides to give it another shot.
And who knows WHEN that'll be?
Shit! I just thought of something! What if I break her heart, get labelled as 'that asshole who tears people's feelings to shreds', and Simon gets wind of it? What if that makes him even MORE scared to try anything with me? He'd give up on me, and go sleep with somebody else! ARRGH! Ok! I've gotta think of something quick. My mission for the next seven days...I've got to get Simon back over here and get him to at least kiss me on the lips and suck on my tongue before I find out who that girl is that likes me. Then, at least he'll know I'm ok, and we can be boyfriends for a while or something. Everything I have is riding on this! I've gotta go. I'm going to give Simon a call or something tonight before he goes to bed. I'll butter him up a little, and make him want to spend more time over here so I can get him naked. Then, I'll make my move.
More on that in my next entry! Later!
- So far, so good. No word on the girl yet. Although Melissa did tell me that she loves my hair. And proceeded to run her fingers through it for most of study hall. You have no idea how good that feels! Hehehe! Even if she IS only a girl! I think I'm developing a fetish for being petted for long periods of time. Very cool. Anyway, I am pretty sure that it's not her. She's the touchy feely type, but she's that way with everybody. I guess she's just a very affectionate person. Anyway, just a friend. Not even that really...more like 'someone I can hold a conversation with in a classroom'. So the mystery woman is still in hiding, and that means that I still have time to talk Simon into coming over again. I don't know what I'm going to do different this time, but I'm seriously considering just saying 'fuck it' and sticking my tongue in his ass the second he walks his cute little butt through my bedroom door. I'd like to THINK that I had that kind of courage, but somehow I doubt it. Maybe I'll develop it all of the sudden right before he walks out again. I seem to get a lot more confidence when lost in the fog of a panic. Funny how that works.
Moving away from the pressure of that situation... I saw Brandon today. But not in the library as usual. To be honest, he looked completely different without the high school library as his 'backdrop'. Weird. Anyway, I saw him outside of school this morning before classes started. He was riding up on his bike and chaining it to the bike rack as I walked by. He's even 'prettier' in direct sunlight, you know that? It's some strange aura that simply doesn't exist when illuminated with the dreary artificial lighting of the school hallways. I hate to say it, but I think I caught myself staring at him. Geez, Billy...first Jamie, then Simon, now Brandon too? Am I turning into a major slut, or what? It wasn't really in a dreamy, 'I'd love to slam that', kinda way. I just...I think it's cute when I see him like this. As someone that exists outside of my perspective of who he is. It made him more human somehow, and not just another wet dream in the flesh.
As I walked passed him, I wondered if I should say hello or anything. But I didn't think he'd really respond. If anything, he'd be wondering why this kid, who he hardly knew at all, was talking to him in the first place. So I kept walking.
The strange thing is...as soon as he saw me, he said, "Hey, Billy. What's up?" No smile or anything, no big hugs or a lick of his lips. Just a simple greeting with a slight wave. I didn't even expect THAT much, and he WAS super cute, so I guess it was justified when I blushed a little bit during my response. I wave back, and kinda mumbled a hello, but I don't even know if e heard it or not. It didn't go any further than that, but it made me smile to know that he noticed me. Like....actually NOTICED me! I kinda went to the library later on to see if he'd be there, but he was walking out as I was walking in. And this time he didn't say anything at all. Even though I was taking a breath so I could speak first. So much for investing my time and effort into THAT little endeavor. No biggie though, he's still an extremely 'pretty' boy whether he likes it or not. Hehehe! So he'll just have to deal with it if I stare at him for too long.
Anyway, I'm off. I'm going to meet Sam at the Hill and try to subliminally talk him out of getting any deeper into this whole mystery girl hunt. I can't just come right out and say "Don't ask around anymore", but I don't want him to find out just yet either. I need a few more days to wear Simon down first. Wish me luck, oh wise journal of mine. Seeya later!