You know what? I barely remember doing it last night, but before I went to bed, I read over what I wrote again, and I kinda...um...wrote Brandon's name in this book. Well...I've been writing his name in this book since the very beginning....but this time I kinda...did it by mistake. I just kinda doodled it in there all pretty, and hardly meant for it to be intentional. I did everything but draw a little heart over it. Is that, like, a really girly thing to do? I hope that doesn't mean that I'm obsessing too much. Sighhhh...just looking at it is making me feel all wiggly inside. It's kinda how I felt for Sam a few years ago when I had that big crush on him and was too scared to try and figure out what to do with that feeling. But...this is different. I mean...it's similar, but...I dunno. He just makes me feel so damn 'upside down' sometimes.
So anyway, when I saw Brandon today, I made an effort to talk to him a bit more than I did yesterday. Just to sorta find a 'balance' between us again. It didn't really work. In fact, I think things got a bit worse. He was being cool and kinda quiet, like usual. It was a very cool conversation. He said he had a lot of fun at the party and all, and I told him that I was glad that he showed up, the party was awesome, blah blah blah. We giggled about a few things we remembered from that night for a moment or two, and that's when he opened his soda. Then, he asked me about Jimmy. "So...you guys, like....came together?"
And I was like..."Umm...yeah. And with a couple of friends of his." I didn't really like that. It was just the way he said 'together'....you know..like...'together'. And Brandon nodded, and there was, like, this 'pause', you know?
And he asked me, "Is he still gay?" Which is a really weird question when you think about it. What does that even mean, anyway? Like they found a CURE? I just kinda nodded my head, not knowing what that had to do with anything. And he's like, "Ah...ok. Well...hey. That's cool." Cool? That Jimmy's still gay? Or that I went to the party with him? Or..what the hell is he talking about? There Brandon goes, confusing me again. "It's cool that he came out about it, right? I mean...cause it doesn't make much difference. I mean, I don't have a problem with it." There it is. There's that feeling again, where everything about him starts to glow and draw me in with this irresistible pull on my heart. Where I think...that MAYBE, just MAYBE, he might be into me. Or at least into 'boys', which increases my chances considerably from the dead zero chance I had before. It's that invisible 'something' he has that keeps me dreaming about him all the damn time. "I mean...if you were gay, I wouldn't care. Like....if I were gay, you and me would still be tight, right?" WOW...that was too much for me to handle all at once. I felt like my whole body was having an orgasm on the inside. You see...it's times like this, when I'm looking at his long lashes and super cute face, feeling that feeling, watching his smooth sweet lips move in front of me, smelling that awesome unique 'Brandon aroma' on his light sweater, and seeing the shape of his suckable thighs in his jeans...that I wish we were alone.
Arrrgh! If we were just...ALONE...this would be, like, the PERFECT opportunity to tell him I'm gay! This would be the golden moment, where I could lean in and maybe kiss him on the cheek...and tell him how awesome I always thought he was, from the first day I ever saw him. And how I think he's one of the most beautiful, most amazing boys ever. And how I never said anything because it seemed so pointless before. But now? RIGHT NOW? Shit...I'd SO take a chance right now at jumping his bones and fucking him CRAZY! If we were alone, that is.
Even if he said no, even if he said HELL no, I wouldn't be able to stop myself. I'd kiss him right on the lips, and hold it for as long as I could before he pushed me away. I'd get down on my knees and beg if I had to. Damn, did I mention that I totally 'love' him in that sweater?
"I'm just speaking hypothetically, though." Brandon said, and I realized that I had probably just been sitting there staring at his sweater instead of answering his question. And just like that, the golden moment was fucking GONE! I tried to sit up straight and get it back again by saying...
"No! Yeah...I know exactly what you mean. Like...it would be cool. If you were. I mean...if you were gay. Not that you...are. Just...I wouldn't care. Well, I'd care...because I like you...but....I mean...it wouldn't...like...matter or anything." Arrrrgh! My mouth just kept moving, and inside my mind was screaming, 'SHUT UP, SHUT UP, SHUT UP!!!!' But no matter what I did to inspire more talk about it, I couldn't catch the moment again. And just when I was thinking of something positive and clever to say, he kinda changed the subject to something else. And it would have been awkward to try to get the conversation back on...you know...'gay' stuff. So...yeah....I royally fucked that up. So much for opportunity knocking.
I think...I think I'm gonna try to get Brandon to come over to my house sometime. When nobody is home, and we can just...sit on the bed, and just..talk. I just really wanna talk to him and maybe see if he says something, or does something, or just...gives me SOME kind of hint that he's available in some way. I just...I wanna know if I could...if we could...oh wow, how awesome would THAT be?
You know what? I've gotta go to bed and think about this some more. I'm literally squirming in my chair at this point. What if I get the chance to KISS him? What if he kisses ME??? Omigod...his lips look so soft and awesome! When I even think of his tongue and mine...like 'touching'..I get shivers inside. I think if he were to get on top of me and hump me more than twice, I'd lose it all over the place! He's too cute for that. I might lose it just from kissing alone. Hehehe, I can't believe I'm even WRITING this! But...I feel really warm and fuzzy inside right now, and I can't sit still. I hope he comes over. God, PLEASE just grant me this ONE wish and let Brandon come over. Or even better, make him be my boyfriend. I would totally DIE if he was my boyfriend! Somebody I could kiss whenever I wanted, and cuddle with on the couch, and hold his hand when we had some privacy. And sex stuff too, but...it's hard to think about that because it seems like he would be....way too much for me to handle sex wise. I'd faint by the time he got his shirt off. Hehehe! He's so damn 'pretty'!
Okaaaayy...I'm actually giggling to myself now, and that's a bit too 'faggy' even for me. So I'm gonna stop writing before I get even worse. G'night!
- Billy (NOT writing Brandon's name down this time! Promise!)
- Ok...God evidently has a pretty AWFUL sense of humor! Frankly, I don't get it at all! I don't even know what to think right now! First of all...let me just say that I was pretty sure that I didn't have a shot at being together with ANYBODY yesterday. Sure, I write stuff in this book and feel all giddy and sweet...but it's just 'fluff stuff', you know? I mean, I hardly ever think anything is going to just suddenly HAPPEN the way I write it. It just wouldn't be realistic at all for me to go through life believing in something that's obviously too good to be true. And yet...today, I had these incidents with not one, not two, but THREE different boys! WHAT??? Whatever I wished for last night, I think I turned the juice up a little bit too high.
First, let me just say that Brandon was stressing out in the library today because he thinks he's getting a zit on his cheek. A zit...like, ONE. His whole face is completely flawless and cute and beyond beautiful..but he was, like, self conscious as hell about it, and kept talking about all the stuff he was going to try to do to stop it before it got there. With Oxy pads, and washing his face after gym, and I think he mentioned 'baking soda' at one point. Hahaha! What the hell is THAT supposed to do? He even got bottled water instead of soda today for lunch. The strange thing is, with all of that subtle panic...he never once came off as being vain. Not even for a second. In fact, it made him even more adorable than usual to see him try to smile as if it didn't really worry him all that much when I knew it did. Awww....he's sooooo CUTE! I can't stand it!
Anyway...so we're talking, right? And I'm extremely nervous because I'm trying to hold a conversation with him, but I'm getting more and more turned on by the second. There was just something extra attractive about him today. I totally chickened out in the library, and I chickened out at the lunch table, but while we were walking back to class after lunch...I got the nerve to actually ask him over to my house! I DID it! I was shaking soooo bad when I asked him, but once it was out...it was like a ton of bricks had been lifted off of my shoulders. I just sorta mumbled, "Well...maybe, if you want, we can hang out sometime at my house." I'll be honest, I was so nervous that I was kinda hoping that he didn't hear me. But he did. And he says...
"Sure. That would be great." Did you hear that? 'That would be great'! 'GREAT', he said! And he already had my phone number, so he said he would call, and maybe we could do something this weekend. But, my mom would be home for sure on Saturday and Sunday, which totally defeats the purpose of us getting to spend some time alone. Even if she left the house for a while, I couldn't be sure for how long, and if things went 'right'..Brandon and I would need some time to...whatever. Hehehe! So, anyway, I asked if he wanted to come over after school on Friday instead. And he said YES! So...Brandon and I are going to be alone, at my house, this Friday! That's like...the day after tomorrow! Ahhhhhhhh!!!! What the hell am I going to do with myself until then? GEEZ, this is making me crazy!
Then...'incident' number two.
Well...considering that this second boy is a freak occurrence, I'll just save him for last. So....moving on to incident number 3, which just ended about a half hour ago.
Jimmy called me tonight. I haven't really spoken to him a whole lot since the party on Saturday, but our schedules are pretty different since he's been back. When we do actually pass each other in the halls, I'm usually with one of my friends or he's with one of his. So our 'talk time' has been sort of limited the last few weeks. He had a blast on Saturday though, and I could hear the cheerful grin in his voice. I don't think I've ever seen Jimmy LaPlane so happy. It's one of those things that makes me wonder exactly how this whole 'coming out of the closet' thing might do me some good if I ever found the guts to tell somebody. I'm seriously thinking about telling Jimmy, but him...um...'liking' me so much kinda complicates that idea. I mean, I like him too. He's really cool, and we have fun together. But I don't think I could avoid hurting him if I said, "Guess what? I'm gay too! But I just wanna be friends with you...and find somebody else." Yeah...that would be a pretty heartless thing to do to somebody.
Anyway, his main concern seemed to be somebody else entirely. Hehehehe! He's talking to me about the party, and then, out of nowhere, he's like..."By the way, was that your friend, Lee, that you told me about at the party? The one hanging out with Joanna and Sam?" Arrgh! I still hate for people to refer to them as a 'couple' like that.
I say, "I think so. Which one do you mean?"
And Jimmy goes, "You know....the really cute one." And I swear, I could hear him blush on the phone.
So, as a friend, it's my duty to tease him. I'm all like, "Ooooooh...Jimmy has another crush on his hands."
And he's all, "I can't help it! Dude, I am SO boy crazy! It's ridiculous! But Lee is like....oh my gosh...he's soooooo adorable!" Then he stopped and said, "Um..hehehe, but you're still my favorite, Billy. Promise."
I figured it best to keep his mind off of me for the time being. So I said, "He's a sweetheart too, you know? He's cool." And a little whimper came from Jimmy's side of the phone. I asked him, "Do you wanna talk to him? I can give you his email and IM info if you want."
I think that freaked Jimmy out a little bit. Because he was all like, "NO!!! What are you talking about???" But I told him he wouldn't mind, and Jimmy said, "Omigod...shut up! I can't just write to him. He doesn't even know me!"
So I said, "Trust me, Jimmy, you have nothing to worry about. He's really friendly. Just tell him you know me."
He didn't say anything for a second, but when I whispered Jimmy's name to tease him back into paying attention, he giggled. "Wait...I'm thinking." He says. "Um...he's not..like...gay or anything, is he? I mean...probably not. Right?"
And I tell him, "So? So what? Maybe you'll convert him to the pink side." (Which would actually be really awesome, because then we could both have a shot at him!)
And he whimpered a little bit more, and then he says, "Ok...give it to me I'm NOT gonna write him though!"
And I'm like, "Then why would I give it to you, doofus?" And he says he doesn't know. So I tell him, "Relax. Just send him an email, say you're a friend of mine, and that I thought you two might like to talk. That's all you have to do. Seriously, he's the coolest kid in the world. He'll make you laugh too, you'll love him." And then I added, "And once you get your foot in the door you can work on getting him to sit on your face naked!" That made Jimmy laugh out loud so hard that I think he nearly rolled off of his bed. I tell you, I don't think I've ever heard Jimmy's laugh sound so 'genuine' before. It gave me a good feeling inside.
So, we talked for a bit longer, and I made him promise to write to Lee before he was ready to hang up. But Jimmy, as always, made sure to tell me, "You know, Lee is really hot and all...but you're always gonna be my very favorite boy crush ever though. I mean, you know that, right?" And I kinda blushed and said thanks, and he asked, "Do you believe me?"
And I'm like, "Yeah. I believe you."
"Good. Because you are." He said.
And I told him, "I better be." Hoping that he would just kinda giggle a bit and hang up.
So, as we were saying goodnight, he says, "I love you, Billy. K?"
Which gives me that weird tingly feeling inside to hear him say that. It really does. And I'm just like, "Ok."
Then he says, "I want you."
And I said, "OK!!! Hehehe! G'night, Jimmy!" And he laughed a little too, but at least I got him off the phone before he started down that road again.
So, that's two boys for the price of one. Not bad for a closeted gay boy, huh?
Well...when I came home from school today...there weren't any messages on the answering machine...but the caller ID was flashing. And when I checked the number....it was AJ's. I must have stared at that number for five whole minutes. I mean...he called. He actually CALLED me. And, like a dumbass...I missed it! He just...he thought about me, and he called. I still don't know what to think about that. A part of me is almost offended that he had the nerve to contact me after he had basically turned his back on me entirely and didn't bother to ever look back. But...there's another part of me that is almost completely blown away by this emotional burst of relief that he still thinks about me. Making me wonder if maybe there WAS some kind of connection between us at some point, and maybe he cares for me after all. Not to mention, the remaining parts of me are all so sexually attracted to AJ's screamingly fine body and gorgeous face and mouthwatering privates, that I just want to ride over there on my bike right now and let him have me any way he wants me! Just so long as I get my 'sex' back! God, it feels like it's been soooo long! And with the 'stimulation' I've been getting since I last did it with AJ, I'm about ready to explode.
I don't know what to do as of yet. But I can honestly say that it wouldn't feel at all degrading to call him back and set up a time for us to get together for a quick orgasm or two. Maybe even twenty. Just thinking about being with him again puts memories of the taste of him in my mouth. I'd give anything to put my tongue on him again. I really would.
Anyway, this day has given me plenty to think about. But no matter what happens, I'm gonna end up with my finger in SOMEBODY'S ass by the end of the fucking week! This I vow!
I'll write more later. My mom's calling.