- The frustration ensues. Just as I think things might be looking up and getting better overall, I start to look at what that really means. And that just causes....sighhh....'complications'.
You see, AJ finally called me back. I mean...he called me FIRST! Without me badgering him to do it, or apologizing to him for not talking to him for so long. And that means that he's thinking about me! His sweetheart. His 'tasty boy'. He wants me to be back in his life again. Right? Otherwise he wouldn't have bothered to call me. Of course, that leads to all kinds of ridiculous ideas...like maybe he thought I wasn't talking to him any more, or he thinks I'm mad at him and just wants to patch things up, or he's sorry about being with Scott and wants to beg for forgiveness It could be anything. And I hate being so uncontrollably forgiving when it comes to a REALLY cute boy who wants to have sex every time I'm near him, but I was more than willing to give in to the most convenient scenario possible. He misses me. Whatever it took to make me feel right about running right back into his arms and having him tell me that he loved me again...I'd do. Just to hear it. Just one more time. Sighhhh....I started to think back to the time he first talked me in the mall, and how he was so cute when he first asked me out. GOD, that was SO cool! I never felt so awesome! Everything was so cool when we snuck out to eat lunch together that afternoon, and the first time I kissed him in that bathroom in the park??? Wow! He was everything to me at one time, and I just really wanted to feel that close to somebody again. It beats being confused, helpless, and nervous, all the time. Sure as hell beats being alone. Loving AJ was so much...simpler in so many ways. He was there, and he was ready. It didn't take any sleuthing or conversational tricks to get him out of his clothes. I didn't have to guess and stress and 'figure him out'. Not only that, but he gave me a feeling of total accomplishment when he was with me. I mean, THINK about it...I scored an extremely HOT gay boyfriend all on my own at age 14...and he LOVED me. How many people can say that, huh? I should be...I dunno...grateful or something.
Anyway, he's been on my mind all day, and I made a decision. I'm gonna fuck this up. I'm gonna call him back. Not tonight, but SOON! I need my sexy boy back. I want him. I want to suck him SO hard, you have no idea! Shit...I can't wait to be snuggled up against him naked again. His ass was sooooo perfect. Damn, I didn't even realize how much I missed him until he was on his way back into my life. I just can't wait to feel wanted by him again. Or wanted by ANYBODY for that matter.
We had this dorky assembly in school today, where this wacky 'Officer Smiley' type got on stage and tried to teach us about being 'safe'. Which might have been somewhat entertaining in the 5th grade, for the simple fact that it got us out of class. But today, all I could think about was how much of a waste of time it was. Sure...be 'safe'. If you ask me, it's the 'safe' ones who get it the worst. Accidents happen. What's he gonna tell us? Don't stand in front of that truck speeding towards you at 80 miles an hour on a Tuesday afternoon? The thing about these safety lessons is that they always act like people WANT to drink poison, or get mugged, or get raped, or get AIDS, or get struck by lightning for that matter! I've come to understand that there's a very thin line between using common sense, and trying to avoid the unavoidable. I'd feel safer if the officer had used the time to teach us how to defend against a ten man NINJA ATTACK, then how to avoid getting assaulted by a stranger. At least THEN I could have learned a valuable skill to use or 'abuse' at my discretion.
Anyway, I guess I'm just bitter because I saw Sam as all the students were entering the auditorium. At first he didn't say anything, and tried to pretend like he didn't see me. But then he actually gave me an awkward wave, and said "Hi" to me. Can you believe him? Arrrgh! But you wanna know the really AWFUL part? I kinda...sorta...missed him. I'll be damned if I ever tell HIM that! Because, as far as I'm concerned, we're DONE! Forever! But...dammit...he still plays tricks on my emotions just by being there. Not just because he's cute...but because we have this strange lifelong 'history' between us. When you're that close to somebody for that long, it's hard to just shake them off of your shoulder and pretend that none of it ever happened. To erase him from my life would be like erasing my own childhood. So he was STUCK! Right where I wanted him least, but needed him most. Fuck him for putting me in such an odd position.
He smelled good today, and his hair was like...perfect. And Sam's eyes had this awesome way of glimmering when the lights caught them at just the right angle. He was wearing the same shirt that he wore our first day at high school together. I remember, because his pen leaked a bit onto his sleeve, and the faded mark was still kinda there. We promised that we'd stick together all through high school, and all through college, and be best friends until we were both fat and old and gray...and whoever died first...the other one would have to show up at the funeral 'naked'. Hahaha! God, I can't believe that I remember that.
Anyway...looking at him now, saying 'Hi' to me as though I'd forget, as though he could slide by and let all of this drama just 'fade away'...I found myself trapped again. I wanted to hate his stinking guts...but I didn't. I wanted to forgive him with all my heart and start over again fresh..but I didn't do that either. And since I had to choose an emotion to display for him in a short amount of time...I chose hate. I just rolled my eyes, and walked past him without saying a word. Sorry...but I'm just not through punishing him yet.
I could try to be a bit more civil about this. But just seeing his face is a constant reminder of everything that went wrong. It's a reminder of the girlfriend that I was never there for, and the friend that I couldn't keep from stabbing me in the back. All I see is them kissing and laughing at me while I'm going on and on about how wonderful they are. I wasted so much trust...damn, it hurts. Well, I hope she's enjoying all the special 'attention' she's getting now that Big Bad Billy isn't around to hurt her feelings and make her feel like total shit 24 hours a day any more. I hope she has someone to 'hold her hand' every second of the day, since she can't BARE to be an independent person for longer than the blink of an eye. Have no fear...Super Duper Sam is here to save the day. Kiss, Kiss, Kiss...Hug, hug, hug! I can't bare to be without you sweetie pie! I'll call you five times every single day! I'll talk to you for five whole hours each time! I'll give up my whole life for you and never care about anybody else ever again! Because you're the only person who will ever exist for me ever again. Oh, Joanna, kiss me again! It's been ten seconds since I've given you my FULL attention! I wouldn't want you to fucking up and LEAVE ME FOR SOMEBODY ELSE the second my FUCKING head was turned!!! Grrr! God forbid, somebody cute came along and offered you a kiss! After all, what WE had together means absolutely fucking NOTHING to you once I let go of your fucking hand, sweetheart!!!
That Sam....it must be nice....being sooooo much better than me at fucking everything. Well, if he's so damn special, he doesn't NEED a best friend anymore. They deserve each other.
Anyway, I'm just upsetting myself again. The point is, I kinda miss having Sam around, I miss talking to him, I miss having him talk to me, I miss joking around and hearing him laugh out loud until that cute little 'snort' of his comes out...usually making us laugh ten times harder. But I can't bring myself to excuse what he did. And honestly...I don't think I ever will. So he can keep his 'Hi' to himself from now on.
In happier, although equally frustrating, news...I ate lunch with Brandon again today, and tried to talk to him some more. I'm not exactly sure how to go about doing it, but I wanted to 'feel him out' some more and see if he gave me that hidden little 'gay vibe' again. It was like a drug for me, those tiny hints and clues that led me to believe that he just might be interested in me. I always needed another fix. Always trying to get him to say something or do something effeminate, so I could submit it to memory and dream about it later. Today, however, I wasn't so successful at it. I was seriously hoping that Brandon would bring up the gay conversation again, but no such luck. I couldn't even STEER him in that direction. Not that it wasn't for lack of trying. I talked about him and me, I talked about other guys, I asked about Bobby Jinette, I even brought up Jimmy a couple of times. But he just kept eating and drinking and pretty much dodging my questions with that cute shoulder shrug thing that he does. He wouldn't cooperate! But hopefully he'll be much more open to suggestion once we're alone at my house tomorrow. Wow...what am I going to do if he kisses me? I'm gonna have to practice on my pillow or something before I go to bed. I might wanna practice humping too, just in case I wanna make it super 'sexy' for him, you know? This is gonna be AWESOME!
I kinda figured that I'd have about two and a half hours before my mom got home from work. That's enough to get him naked at least three times, right? Or maybe...we'll do it, and he can just 'stay' naked. Hehehe, I bet his body is beyond gorgeous. He's so delicious with clothes ON! Naked he's probably....mmmmmm....I don't even wanna think about it! Hahaha! Wow...if things go right, I may never have to call AJ again. Serves him right for not calling me earlier.
By the way, that doesn't mean I'm not gonna call AJ. Because I AM. Just...not yet.
Anyway, I've gotta run. Homework. I'll write more later. G'night.
- Ok....ok...so, I'm still trying to catch my breath here! Well...it's Friday, and you know what that means! BRANDON was here! He was sitting in this very spot where I'm writing this! Oh my God...I'm SO turned on right now that I can hardly sit still. I've rolled over on my back TWICE to just stop and...think, and....reflect.....sighhhh. And that's just since I've started this paragraph! Omigod, I seriously don't now what to do with myself right now. I mean...I'm just so...what's the word I'm looking for? I'm FLOATING, right now! I've totally made up my mind! Brandon is the cutest boy EVER! I mean...I think he's even knocked Jamie Cross out of the top spot right now! Do you have ANY idea how powerful a statement that is coming from me? I've been madly in love with Jamie Cross for, like, FOREVER! And here comes this quiet, shy, outrageously beautiful, boy...and 'poof'! It's like Jamie's spell on me is broken. (Ummm....sort of...)
What's strange is that we didn't really even DO anything today. Not really. It's just....he was HERE, you know? He got to see my room. I got to talk to him alone. I got to look at him without worrying about somebody in the library seeing me going all goofy over him. I got to laugh with him and everything. Omigod, it was GREAT! I feel soooo....I can't even DESCRIBE it! It's like nothing I've ever felt before. I feel like a rocket getting ready to soar into the sky and BLOW UP or something! My heartbeat hasn't been the same since he left.
So, the school bell rings, and he wants to walk with me so he won't get lost or mixed up with my address or anything. I wish I had a picture of him to put in this book. He was so dreamy today that it nearly took my breath away. And he was in a really good mood, so he kept giggling here and there. His laugh was sooooo hot when he was trying to hold it back. You wouldn't think that a laugh could get you hard...but his did. I could barely walk by the time we got home.
Anyway, I asked him if he wanted a snack, and we had these little french bread pizza things in the freezer, so we put them in the oven and let 'em bake for a while. Did you know that he likes his french bread pizza slightly burned on the edges? Just like I like mine! Damn, he's awesome! So, we wait in the kitchen for a while, and we're talking, and I'm trying SO hard not to stare, but I can't help it. I don't think that I've ever been hotter for Brandon than I was today. Just....having him in my house, with nobody around...I could have just jumped his bones, and nobody would know. And don't think that it didn't cross my mind, either! So, the timer goes off, I grab a few sodas, and we sit at the table to eat. I can't believe that I was actually watching him chew! AHHHH!!!! I know..that's such a 'psychotic' thing to do. But the bread was all crunchy, and I watched him bite down, and crunch, and then lick the remaining crumbs from his sweet pink lips. Wow. And it was so cute the way he would kinda fan his mouth when the cheese was too hot. With a little smile, and his hair in his eyes, and his long fingers trying to cool the heated mozzarella in vain. God, he's like...beautiful.
Anyway, so I'm trying to talk to him about gay stuff again. Sort of an introduction to the foreplay that I was hoping would lead to him to kissing me full on the mouth with his tongue in my throat. And all of the underhanded tricks that I had mentally been practicing to get him to confess to me, seemed to bounce right off of him. So I wrapped up the tin foil and told him he could just take his soda in my room and stuff. Maybe being in a room with a big BED in it would make him horny. Right?
Well...I DON'T KNOW!!! I wasn't thinking straight at the time! (Pun intended)
All I could think of was 'gay, gay, gay'! Get him to say it! Get him to think it! Get him to DO IT! So, I'm driving myself crazy, looking into his eyes extra hard, hoping to relay some kind of hidden signal. But it kinda started to make things awkward. And I think he could tell. I was nervous, and probably talking too much. Grrr! Why do I always TALK so much when I panic? Anyway, I didn't wanna lose him, so I turned on Cartoon Network to sorta loosen things up. Then I'm thinking, 'Great, NOW he's distracted'. I was wasting a large chunk of time being 'friendly'. I needed to make a move. By my calculations, Brandon was supposed to be naked by now, and coming down from his first orgasm already. Allowing for ten minutes of breathless kissing, heavy petting, and dry humping, of course. We weren't going to be able to have as much sex as I wanted if my mom was this close to coming home. But I didn't know how to speed things up without just...ripping his clothes off, putting my mouth on him, and praying that he wouldn't tell me to stop before I finished. I was literally at the point where I wondered if I could offer him some money to see if he'd let me suck him off.
God...I just wrote that in my diary! I need therapy.
Man....if only you could have seen him. He was soooo cute. His lips never looked so pink, so soft, so wet. I laid out on my bed, and was wiggling my way next to him. Then, when I asked if he wanted to join me, he looked away from the cartoons, and said, "Ok. Sure." And he kicked off his shoes. Brandon has the prettiest sock feet that I've ever seen. Every inch of him is incredible, you know that? Anyway, we're both laying on my bed on our stomachs, facing the TV, and I'm going crazy because I can feel his body heat right next to me. I couldn't quite sneak my way over without him feeling me moving. I didn't want another incident to happen like it did with Simon, so I was playing it careful. Still, I couldn't stop myself from touching him. And when the commercial came on, I rolled over with my back on his back, playing around. And he giggled, and said, "Hehehe! Are you comfortable?" And I said that I was. But in all honesty...I was freaking out. My butt was right on top of his, and I had never felt his butt before. It was right underneath me, soft as a down feather pillow, but then his cheeks shrank and hardened a bit, and I could kinda feel him flex it. Omigod, his ass muscles lifted me up a little bit, and then I felt them get all soft and 'smooshy' again. I couldn't BREATHE! I was so hard that I couldn't even MOVE below the waist!
He rolled me off of him, and then tried to get me to turn over. But I made sure that I was on my stomach and holding on for dear life. Because if he had turned me over, my boner would have hit him right in the face! Hehehe! Anyway, the excitement was kinda short lived, and the commercials were over, so we went back to watching TV. It happened a few more times, but I was always too damn hard to really let him touch me back. I dunno....maybe I should have let him 'see' me boned up, you know? I was soooo close. How in the hell did I get this to work with AJ anyway?
Anyway, I was kinda sad when he had to leave. But he had to be home in time for dinner. And my mom was coming home soon anyway. No time for even a hot blowjob by that time. But he said he had an awesome time, and I told him that he was ALWAYS welcome! I said it just like that. "You are ALWAYS welcome, Brandon!" God...I wanted to kiss him so bad at the door that my TEETH hurt! But he seemed kinda nervous, and I was definitely terrified of him at this point....but in a weird and addictive kinda way. And then he left. But the few hours that he was here...were like...the BEST few hours of my life! Jesus, I think I'm in love! I mean, like..in LOVE love! No...this is BIGGER than love! This is total obsession right now! I'm just...my emotions are all over the place right now. I can barely write this.
After he left, you know what I did? I actually pulled my pants off, and got under the covers of my bed, and I jacked off SO HARD! Hehehe! It was like...I pulled the blankets up over my face, right where he was laying, and that warmth, that scent, that 'presence' of Brandon was still on that spot. I was literally licking and sucking the sheets, I kid you not. I could smell him all around me, and the heat from the blankets over my head made his scent spread even further. It was like I could TASTE him! And while I was totally immersed in his awesome aroma, I came the biggest load of my LIFE! I swear, it was better than my first time with AJ! It was like....one of the all time great masturbations of my life! I'll be telling my grandkids about that one someday! Whoooo! I couldn't even WALK for five minutes after I was finished. Of course...um...I'll have to wash these sheets myself so my mom won't see. But...yeah..
Brandon...I love you. I mean it...I think I really really REALLY *REALLY* love you!!!! I just have no idea what to do about it now!
Gotta go, I think I just heard my mom's bedroom door close, which means she's going to bed. I've gotta sneak these sheets into the laundry machine soon before she gets a chance to see them in the morning. I'll write more later. See ya!
I LOVE YOU BRANDON!!! ::KISS::