- You know...I probably should have called AJ back right away. Like...the second I saw his number on my machine. I should have picked up the phone right then and there and straightened everything out. We could have kissed and made up by now, and I could have had that sweet luscious boner of his sliding in and out of my mouth right now instead of pushing my hips into the side of the bed like a dork. As you can probably guess, this was one of those days when I woke up especially horny. I don't know why. But you know, it's like being on ecstasy (Or so I would imagine)...where everything just tingles and your mind is locked into some strange perverted hyper drive that won't go away until you masturbate like 20 times in a row. I swear, I must have broken some kind of local record for semen release today. Anyway, I went out to the store with my mom for about 20 minutes this morning to pick up some extra stuff for dinner tonight...and when I got back, AJ had left me a message! I mean, he didn't just call and hang up this time! He left me an actual message! That was like..holy shit! You know? As soon as I heard his voice, I turned down the volume on the answering machine so my mom wouldn't hear. Just in case he said anything 'incriminating' or 'suspicious' in his message. I certainly wasn't ready to start answering any of my mom's questions about him. Not yet anyway.

So, I'm listening to the message, and AJ's all like, "Hey, Billy. It's been a while. I haven't heard from you. Just wanna see what's up? Give me a call, ok?" But I couldn't tell if he was being 'safe' because he was on my answering machine, or if he was trying to pretend that the last few weeks hadn't happened and didn't care all that much. It was hard to decode what he was thinking from what little he said, but one thing was clear...he remembered ME. He called ME. So somehow, some way, that's GOTTA be a good thing. The thing is...instead of doing the smart thing and jumping at the chance to be reacquainted with my extremely sexy boyfriend for a long day of passionate dirty sex...I laid back on my bed and let my mind get the best of me. How stupid is that?

It's like...I WANTED to call him. I really did! But now that he called first and left me a message, I began to hesitate. It's like I got this proud little stubborn streak in me, and it made me wanna investigate ways for me to play this out for the best results. I mean, I could really benefit from this if I played my cards right. What if I just...didn't call him back right away? What if I made him 'sweat' a little bit first? Give him a taste of his own medicine so he can see how it feels to be abandoned and forgotten about. He must know by now that I'm upset with him, and I hope it's driving him crazy. And I don't feel the least bit guilty about it, because I already feel 'used' for my affections as it is. So I didn't call him back. Not today. Let's see how he feels about possibly losing out on his precious little tasty boy.

Of course, that doesn't help me out with my severe horniness problem...but I'll worry about that later.

However...I DID think about calling Brandon tonight. And for some reason, the idea terrified me. I couldn't find the courage to even approach the phone, much less dial Brandon's number. I couldn't even FORCE myself to do it. My emotions were getting all clogged up at once, and they made my hands shake so badly that I couldn't even operate them anymore. After having him come over to the house and being able to just...'touch him'...sighhhhh....everything's changed! You know? And it wasn't really, like, this super sexual contact or anything, but it was slightly more intimate than the way I'm usually able to touch him at school. So it was like a whole new WORLD for me! To be able to lay side by side with him on my bed, have him sit in my room, or eat a snack at my kitchen table...that's the best gift I've ever received. It's so much more elevated than trying to keep my voice to a low whisper in the middle of the high school library. Not only that, but even though he was still kinda cute and shy while he was here, he was a lot more comfortable too. It seemed like he was warming up to me on a whole different level. And I just...I can't imagine what would happen if we ever got to the point where I could just 'stare' at him, you know? If I could just look into his eyes without shame, and feel cool about letting my eyes show how I feel about him. I mean..wow, that would be so amazing.

But...I'm getting off track. So I wanted to call him, but I had no idea what to say to him. I couldn't even think of a convincing lie to make it seem like I had a reason to call at all. I just felt like I wanted to hear his voice, you know? The scary thing is, I wasn't sure what hearing his voice was going to do to me. So I kept my mouth shut. I'll just wait until Monday to talk to him again. That's all. Besides, I don't wanna seem desperate. That would be weird.

I got a rather entertaining call from Jimmy LaPlane tonight, who was particularly giddy today. I swear, out of all the years that I've known him, I've never heard him laugh this much. It's liberating to hear him sound so free. So, somewhere in the middle of our conversation, he comes right out and asks me, "Billy, how big how are you?" WHAAAAT??? When I say 'big'...he's talking about...you know. What the hell would make him ask me that? I think it made him giggle to hear silence on the phone, because he knew that he had completely caught me off guard. "Are you blushing, Billy? Omigod that's so cute! I wish I could see it!"

And I'm like, "SEE it???"

And he laughs again and says, "Your BLUSH! I wish I could see your BLUSH! Hehehe!" But then he says, "Well...I kinda wanna see that other thing too, sweetie."

Naturally, I'm like, "Forget it."

But he says, "Not a chance." And I tried talking to him like a normal person, but he brought it back up a few minutes later. He's all like, "So, you're not gonna tell me?"

And I'm like 'No', but I think he was serious about wanting to know. I tried to tell him that I didn't know, but he says, "Don't pull that on me! EVERY guy knows!" Ok...which is true, I guess. Because I've used a ruler once or twice. But ONLY because I was checking to see if it was getting bigger, that's ALL. That's not perverted. I'm just...taking an active interest in my adolescent development. "Come on, Billy. I'm not gonna tell anybody."

"Why do you wanna know?" I asked with a blush.

"Because."

"That's not an answer."

Then he slips in, "I love you." As if THAT'S a decent reason! "Please?" He says, and I give up.

So I tell him, "I'm six and a half inches. Are you happy now?" And I'm kind of embarrassed, but I heard him gasp on the phone, and then he kinda yelped a little bit to himself. Which I thought was weird. So I asked him what was wrong.

Jimmy's like, "Damn...you're...big!" I think it was HIM who was blushing this time.

So I'm like, "I am?" Because I never really thought of myself as being all that...monsterous. But according to Jimmy, I'm porn star size compared to what he was imagining I'd be.

And then he's like, "That's sooooo HOT! Billy, you have NO idea how sexy that is!" And I giggled a little bit out of lack of any other feasible reaction to the compliment. I just...I wanted to stop TALKING about it already! And then Jimmy says, "Can I see it? Please? You can come over on Monday."

To which I flatly told him, "Hell no! Hehehe!" But somehow I don't think he'll be giving up that easy.

Anyway, I made sure to hurry him off of the phone before he took advantage of my horny mindset and actually got me to make him an offer. I have to admit, though...the second I got off of the phone with him, I kinda...sorta...took a peek at it. Yeah, ok, so I took a nice long look at it. So what? You know, maybe it is kinda big. I like it. It's mine. Yeah, Billy...Mr. Big Cock! That's me. Hehehe! Wow...I wonder how big Brandon's is? Am I bigger than AJ? I don't remember. I'll have to compare next time I get him naked. He got a lot of it in his mouth, I remember that much. But it wasn't like the whole thing, I don't think. I'm gonna measure again. Maybe it grew some more. I'll do it in the morning. It's bigger in the morning. I'll write more later.

- Billy

- Ok, I think it's still 6 1/2 inches even. I THINK! Am I measuring right? Do you measure from the top or the bottom? Do you stop at the pubes, or the balls? Or BEHIND the balls? If that's the case, then I'm even BIGGER! Cool! Wait...that's dumb. I'm cheating at measuring my own penis? How ridiculous is that?

Anyway, today was a rather strange day, to say the least. My mom reminded me that my dad wanted to see me again, which is the strangest activity on the planet. Believe me. It's like visiting a stranger in prison. Not to mention the fact that I can easily pick up on the growing tension that's going on in this little 'arrangement' of theirs. I mean, I'm not an idiot. I can see the look on my mom's face when she tells me he wants to see me. Even though my dad had moved out and things were still weird between them, I was beginning to write the whole experience off as some kind of surreal joke that would be over as soon as they both came to their senses. But my mom was...sad, you know? I mean, it was like she didn't want me to go. And when I DID go, it was like my Dad didn't want me to come back. So, no matter what I did, I was always pleasing one parent and upsetting the other. I just...I didn't want to be in the middle of this mess any more. How long do these stupid separations LAST anyway? Shouldn't they have kissed and made up by now? I've gotta BIRTHDAY coming up! I hope they get it together before then.

So anyway, I went to see him, and it was...um...boring. I'm sorry to even write that here, but it's the truth. Dad's BORING! Jesus, he's boring! I mean, Mom is no 'rock star', not by any means...but my dad can be a real snooze sometimes. I just wanted to get out of that apartment and..I dunno...watch a bird build a nest in a tree or something. Which is EQUALLY boring, but at least it serves some kind of constructive purpose. I guess I've always been kinda closer to my mom since I was little, and it became more and more evident as I grew older. It never really mattered when they were together, because there WAS no 'Mom' AND 'Dad'...they were just 'parents'. You know? A team. A solid familiar entity of vague rules and regulations. But now? Now they're split right down the middle..and Mom kinda 'stands out' a bit more. It was as if someone suddenly told you, "Instead of seeing Simon and Garfunkle together, you have to choose between TWO concerts. You can either see one or the other, that's the deal from here on out." Together, it's ok. But separate? I mean, come on....who wants to see 'Garfunkle'?

So I spent another weird day trying to pretend like I was having fun, while my dad tried to pretend that he was hip enough to relate to his teenage son...and basically we wasted a great deal of time together. But I suppose a piece of me misses him enough to make it worth the trip. I just wish things were back to normal again so I didn't have to put extra thought into this anymore. It's getting to be...exhausting.

My mom told me that Sam actually came by the house today. Knocked on the back door and everything. But I was glad that I missed him. If for no other reason than to prove to him that I can just as easily 'move on' with the rest my life as he can. My mom didn't even know that we were not getting along at the moment, but how would she? It's not something I really felt like talking about. I don't know why he had the nerve to knock on my door, or how he was able to think about me with Joanna needing every third second of his life devoted entirely to her and nobody else...but somehow, he found the guts to try to talk to me. Whatever. Maybe later. For right now, I've got better stuff on my mind.

I talked to Jimmy again today. I should have expected him to call me right back after last night's conversation. I wish I could call Brandon up as easily as Jimmy picks up the phone to call me. He's got a lot more courage than I do. Anyway, even though his first words on the phone were, "Can I see it now?" I was able to deflect that particular conversation by asking him if he wrote an email to Lee yet. "NO!!!" He said, almost shocked at the idea.

So I asked him, "Why NOT? I TOLD you he was cool! Write to him!"

I swear, I could hear Jimmy squirm on the other side of the phone. "Does...does he know I'm gay? I mean, I'm gonna be SO humiliated if he knows I'm gay!" And I asked him why, but he was just like, "BECAUSE...he's cute! I mean, HE knows he's cute! And if he figures out that I'm gay, then he'll know why I, all of a sudden, wanted to talk to him out of the blue."

So I told him, "Don't worry about it. I doubt he knows about you, and it probably wouldn't matter if he did. Besides, he doesn't even GO to our school. He goes to some private school uptown somewhere."

Jimmy gasped out loud, hehehe, it was kinda cute. "Ooooh...Lee in a snug, navy blue, school uniform? Oh my GOD that's so hot!" He said. "I want him so bad!"

"Hehehe, so TALK to him already!" I told him. And he's like, whatever. But I said, "I mean it, he's really friendly and he's always looking for more people to chit chat with. Just talk to him. You'll get a kick out of it." It was like pulling teeth trying to convince him to agree, but he sorta mumbled that he would do it. I can't wait. I wanna see what happens. Lee would love Jimmy, he's fun. He's not gay, but he would definitely be cool to Jimmy. And give him a few choice thrills too, I'm sure. Speaking of which, I kinda want him myself.

Great....now Jimmy's got ME thinking about him in a navy blue school uniform. Sighhh...man, that WOULD be cute!

Ok, I'm going to bed now before I start touching myself and thinking about Lee getting spanked with a ruler! Mmmmm! Hehehe! Later.

(Love you Brandon! Just thought I'd throw that in there! Sorry!)

-Billy