- Ok....so something amazing happened today! Brandon, the boy I've suddenly become so attached to, the prettiest boy in school, the guy that I've been seriously drooling over since I finally allowed myself to notice him...he came over today! AGAIN! What the hell is going ON here? I mean, did I win the freaking 'lottery' all of the sudden, or what? I saw him in school, and it's weird because I see him in a totally different light now, you know? It's like...this entirely different spotlight has been turned on his every move, and it's the most emotionally mind bending experience of my life. So talking to him the way I used to before he became the center of my universe has become slightly...'difficult'. Somehow I manage to keep things 'normal' between us with a few jittery giggles and a goofy smile as I nod and agree with every word he says to me, but it's hard not to swoon whenever he's near me. Do you know that Brandon sometimes shrugs just one shoulder when you ask him a question? Not to say that he doesn't know the answer. I mean, he does it even while he's answering your question. It's just this...really cute habit of his, I guess. Like all of his other cute habits. Geez, I'm starting to sound silly, aren't I? Well, it was just something I noticed, so...whatever. It's no big deal.
Anyway, I was talking to him at lunch today, and pretending to not be COMPLETELY head over heels for him, and he makes the mistake of mentioning the dreaded name of "Bobby Jinette"! Arrrgh! You know, every time I think I'm done with his meddling, he pops right back up with some new way to take some of Brandon's attention away from me again. Why can't he just...I dunno...disappear or something? Now I know how most 'Bond Villains' feel when James Bond keeps showing up to wreck their plans! Even after dropping him in the pool of fucking sharks!
So....this time Bobby asked Brandon to help him organize a fundraiser for the community center at the edge of the neighborhood. Brandon mentioned that he was going over there on Thursday to work out some details and all I don't know what came over me, so I sorta 'panicked'. Out of nowhere, I asked him if he wanted to come over to my house again to just have some fun. And he said YES! Yeah...he actually said YES! He even looked happy about it! Which means he wants to come over. And which means that he had fun last time. I don't think I've ever been more pleasantly surprised in my life. his was unbelievably awesome!
So...he kinda comes over, and we talk, and we laugh, and I REALLY want him, but I don't know what to say to get him...you know...naked. I swear, it was WORSE than the thing I had for Simon! It was all I could think about. Usually, despite the fact that I think he's beyond gorgeous, I can control my thoughts around Brandon and not make too much of an ass of myself I mean, there was a time when him being straight was enough to keep my affections at bay. But not any more. I can't say why. Something in me just 'broke' all of a sudden, and now I can't stop thinking about him. And the nicer he is to me, the more outrageously attracted I become towards him. It's an insane circle that I can't seem to break, even when all of my common sense and better judgment is working against me. It's funny...MOST gay boys would pretend that 'unavailable' means 'uninteresting' when it came to boys like this. But I can't do that. Why hold it all in and pretend that I'm not going wild every time he gets close to me? I don't care if I NEVER get him on top of me, at least I'm honest! And straight or not, I'm going to be dreaming about that sweet piece of ass until I turn to dust!
So...writing all of that out, you would have thought that something big happened, right? Nope. Nothing. Just more of the same as we did it on Friday. Some giggles, some cheap feels here and there, a lot of teen boy conversation, and me nodding with a goofy grin. That's pretty much it. I've GOT to get better at this sorta thing!
Ooh, but one funny thing that happened, was that Jimmy called while Brandon was over! Hehehe! When I picked up the phone, Jimmy was already to play mind games again and flirt a little bit. Then I had to tell him, "Actually, I've got some company over right now."
And Jimmy goes, "Who is it? Anybody I know?"
And I'm like, "It's Brandon."
And HE'S like, "NO WAY!!! Shut up! He's not over there right now!"
And I told him, "No, I'm serious! He's here right now." All the time, Brandon's in the room with me, and he looks up at me while I'm talking about him. And it looks like he's getting a little bit shy because of it. Omigod, it was so CUTE! He wasn't scared really. Just slightly uncomfortable because he didn't know who I was talking to. It changed his demeanor to this cuddly, bashful, 'bunny rabbit' kinda thing, and it was so SEXY to me, you know? Sighhh....he's awesome in the most subtle ways. Anyway, so Jimmy totally doesn't believe me, and I say, "Do you wanna talk to him?"
I hand the phone to Brandon, and he says hello, and I can literally hear Jimmy giggling out of control on the other end of the phone. They don't even talk for more than a few seconds before Brandon hands me back the phone and says, "I think he wants to talk to you."
So I take the phone back, and Jimmy screams, "OMIGOD!!! He's in your HOUSE??? How did you get him to come to your house?" And I told him that it just sorta happened. So he says, "Well let his cute ass just 'sorta happen' his way over to MY house then!" Then he asked me, "Did he try to kiss you or anything?"
I instinctually turned my back on Brandon and whispered, "SHUT UP!!!" But I started to, like....laugh. It was like this weird flirtatious laugh that was a bit embarrassing, but kinda hot at the same time. I don't know, the thought of Brandon trying to find ways to kiss me made me nervous.
"Listen, you call me back and tell me EVERYTHING that happens when he leaves, ok?" Jimmy tells me, and I agree. Unfortunately, there wasn't much to tell. We played some video games, drank some green sugar flavored drink from the fridge, and he left. It was all 'friendly' like. But I can't help but treat every moment spent at his side as some kind of grand preamble to something much greater. It feels like this is all 'going' somewhere, and it's a strange feeling. Because it puts me right in the middle, between being too scared to push things, and being too anxious to exhibit any kind of patience in seeing how things will turn out in the end.
I licked my pillow when he left! Hehehe, damn I'm a weirdo! But I'm serious! He laid his cheek on it, and when he left, the second I shut the front door, I ran back to my room and could still feel his warmth on the bed. By the time I was finished French kissing my pillow and grinding into the mattress, I was ready to EXPLODE! Orgasms thinking about Brandon are SO damn cool! Better than any other!
I didn't call Jimmy back, and I hope that he doesn't take that to mean that I'm blowing him off. It's just...well...I don't know. I guess my time with Brandon is, like...mine. You know? I almost didn't want to share it with anybody else. Call me selfish, but I wanted every last drop of this afternoon to stay with me forever. Nobody else could possibly appreciate this experience more than me. Not ever. Hehehe! I like this whole 'love' thing.
Did ANYTHING else of importance happen today? Nope! I barely passed a few tests, had Melissa run her hands through my blond hair again (which she LOVES to do!), my mom made meatloaf. How is any of that supposed to even register when I spent a few hours alone with Brandon? It doesn't. So why don't I just let it go and stop writing before I gush anymore.
I feel SO good inside! This is weird! I want to 'study' this warm feeling some more and see what I can find out about it. Because I don't think I know what to do with the sensation it's giving me. Sighhh...I'll write more later. I wanna just lay back and...'think' for a while. Yeah...just think. Later.
- I kinda expected to see Satan himself in a mink coat and ski mask before I saw the day that I could walk past Jamie Cross in the hallway and not tremble in his presence. So I think that today marks a special milestone in the life that is Billy Chase. It's amazing how you can love someone your whole life...and I'm talking...MY WHOLE *LIFE*...and then have it one day go into remission like it was never there. I'm not saying that Jamie Cross isn't still the hottest blond muffin to ever grace any high school on the planet Earth in the last few billion years of its existence! Because he IS! But when he passed me in the hall today in front of the chem lab, and he smiled and said hello....I actually said hello back to him. Just like that. "Hi!" Nothing more. I mean...just trying to pronounce that two letter word at an audible level before would have taken two miracles and a natural disaster for me to accomplish! But today it was so easy. Jamie was just...like...a 'person'. Yeoww! Bite my tongue! It doesn't even feel right to write that down. But somewhere, deep down, it feels like the truth, you know? I don't think it hit me until a full minute and a half later. And THEN of course, I nearly broke down into a series of seizures while gasping for breath. But...for a few seconds today, I was actually able to feel like I was on a somewhat even plane with THE Jamie Cross! And that was a level that I never thought I'd reach. Brandon's smile must be made of magic.
Speaking of my baby...I didn't get to see much of him today. I mean, a little before school, and once in class. But we couldn't really talk. He skipped lunch to finish up some work in the computer lab, and while I would have loved to have joined him...he had a bunch of stuff to finish before last period. So I didn't wanna disturb him or anything. I guess he needed a little bit of space to work. He's an intelligent guy, you know? When he's trying to focus, he doesn't need me hanging around. But as soon as he finishes...I wanna talk to him some more. Just to 'talk'. Just to hear his voice, and see his smile, and...
Ok, I'm being all girly and dumb again. Enough of Brandon. I should be trying to write something slightly more eventful.
Which brings me to Sam. He rang my doorbell today. I was home, but when I started to come around the corner to see who it was, and caught a glimpse of Sam's blond hair in the window, I moved back around the wall. I don't know why he was there, or why he needed to be anywhere near me. But there he was...ringing the doorbell and knocking on the door. I pretended not to be home, and I don't think he saw me looking around the corner. So after a minute or two, he gave up and left. Why is he doing this? What could he POSSIBLY have to talk to me about? How 'happy' he is with my girlfriend? How 'not-gay' he is? How it's all MY fault for not spending more time with Joanna that allowed him to slide in and take my place? I mean, what the hell could he have to say to me that's so important? I'm not gonna fall for it. If I let him in, he'll try to smile or bring up some good old times that we shared together, or maybe get me to chuckle a bit here and there. And that let's him off the hook. There is NO getting off the hook this time! Not for something like this! What kind of friendship could we have if I can't TRUST him? He uses Joanna to HURT me every chance he gets! It's as if he brings her up or makes sure to display her in front of other people in order to 'show off'. Like...'Na na...I got this beautiful girl to talk to me, and all of her friends, and you got NOTHING!' Whatever. I don't care. Stay out of my life. You got what you needed, and you broke my heart in the process. Now live with it.
Shit...my mom is raising a big stink about the garbage. It's RAINING outside! Why is the garbage so important that it can't wait until tomorrow morning? Grrr! Mom's are so damn SILLY about certain things! Anyway, I'm outta here! I don't need the overly dramatic tone of my mother's voice today. I'll write more soon.
By the way...I've decided, I'm going to call AJ tomorrow. I don't know what I'm going to say or how I'm going to say it, but whatever happens...I'm calling. Wish me luck.