- Okay....did I just make a big mistake? I just...I don't know why I did this again, but it felt DAMN good, believe me! So it's not like I feel really 'guilty' or anything. I'm just a bit, well, confused.
First of all, it's, like, almost 3 AM right now, but I can't really sleep Besides, I've gone this long without missing a single day of writing in this journal, and I don't wanna break my streak. Anyway, to make a long story short...I 'kinda' went over to see AJ tonight. I KNOW, I KNOW...that's SUCH a fucking bad idea!!!! But...he called me today while I was at home, and I saw his number on the caller ID....and I sorta picked it up. I was gonna call him today anyway, but he beat me to it, and this is the THIRD time he tried to contact me, you know? So he must have really wanted to talk to me, right? I said "Hello?" And he sounded like he was really happy to get a hold of me at last. It was kinda...cute. Does that make me the world's biggest sucker, falling for AJ's charms again after all the bullshit that he put me through in the short time that I've known him? Maybe it does, I don't know. But you should have heard him on the phone. Omigod, he sounded so HOT!!! I was like...squirming in my chair when I finally heard his voice again. He knows how much I love his mellow voice when he talks all low and sexy like that.
Anyway, we didn't really talk for all that long. Just some small talk and and a giggle or two, and then he's all, "Hey! What are you doing tonight?"
He asked so fast that I didn't even have a chance to really think. So I automatically said, "Nothing." Not really considering what his next question would undoubtedly be.
"You wanna come over?"
I'm like, "Right now?"
And he says, "NO, silly. Like after my mom goes to sleep. Can you sneak out for a little bit." I told him that I wasn't sure that I could do it tonight. I told him that I shouldn't. I think I even said 'no' at one point. But he kept asking, and his voice was getting cuter and cuter, until he was almost whining into the phone, and it was driving me CRAZY! I should have asked him about Scott, or just yelled at him for not calling for so long, or maybe tell him that if I 'DID' come over, it wouldn't be for what he was planning. But....awwww....my damn head is SO screwed up when it comes to him! Or ANY cute boy for that matter! All I could think about was sex. Just hearing his lips move on the other side of that phone was making me rock hard, and my body instantly came alive with the memory of what it was like to be cuddled up naked next to somebody that I really had an attraction for. To feel like kissing another boy, and actually being able to do it on a whim without worrying about whether or not they're going to give you a black eye an a bloody lip for it. That level of comfort and just...sighhh...tasting those candy sweet kisses of his...I WANTED him! As mad as I was before, as much as I was worried that he'd just ditch me all over again, I just couldn't shake the idea of having his warm mouth and tongue on me again. So...he sorta 'convinced' me to do it.
I didn't know what to DO, ok??? It's not like I really PLANNED to go over there tonight! It just sorta happened. It's NOT my fault! He just...he knows what buttons to press to get me all anxious. I get all weak and stupid and end up doing almost anything he tells me to do. I can't help it. He's too beautiful to really say no to. I told him I'd be there, and I crept my way out of the house sometime after midnight. I KNOW I'm going to get in deep shit for doing this one day, but as I've already established, I wasn't necessarily thinking clearly. I rode my bike over to AJ's house and he let me in. The SECOND he saw me, his eyes popped open wide and he smiled at me.
He was like, "DAMN you look good! I forgot you were so FINE, Billy!" And before I could say anything else, he walked up to me and put his strong hands on my waist. Everything was so....automatic, you know? When he touched me, my body just kinda reacted all on its own. My arms went up to his shoulders, he leaned forward, my head tilted to the side, and we started making out like crazy. Do you know how long it's been since I kissed ANYBODY??? Since I loving sucked on another boy's tongue while he grinded our erections together? It felt sooooo good to be back in business again! I was so hard that I could feel it in my stomach, and when he reached down to grab my ass, I started pushing into him hard and our tongues went crazy, and...well, I gave in. Like...totally. I guess I didn't have anywhere near as much restraint as I thought I did. I just wanted somebody to love me so badly. Someone to look at me, and touch me, and kiss me, and hold me like AJ does. Someone who will make me feel good. Because, in all honesty, feeling like you're one of the ONLY gay boys on the planet is hard sometimes. And for those few short moments, when AJ's lips are pressed against mine and he tells me how much he wants to be with me....all that fear, and that confusion, and that hopelessness, that I feel on a daily basis is suddenly gone. And I feel like maybe I can be happy just being...'me'. Weird, huh?
Anyway, we thought we heard something in the hall, but I guess it was nothing. So he whispered for me to get undressed, and he went over to lock his bedroom door. Then he got completely naked, and I TOTALLY melted! He was all hard and sticking out, and his sweet ass is soooo gorgeous! It's perfect! And I watched as he put on a CD and let it play sorta low. Just loud enough to keep us from being heard, but quiet enough to not wake his mom up so she came to investigate. I took off my clothes, and the whole time I'm thinking, "NO! Don't do this! Can't you see what he's doing? He's just using you!" But as I sat there looking at him, and feeling my heartbeat pounding away, my mouth salivating over that thick tube of meat that I couldn't WAIT to slide into my mouth again for the first time in weeks...I got to thinking that maybe I was using him too. I mean, when I really thought about it, what was I doing there? We certainly weren't going to 'talk' at 1 AM on a Wednesday night before school. It's not like I had intentions of straightening anything out between us through a deep and meaningful conversation while his mom was asleep in the other room. No. I went over there to get laid. And I got exactly what I wanted. So, while I may feel a bit 'slutty' about it now, at the time, I was all for it. So who am I to complain?
We kissed and rolled around for a while, his legs wrapped around mine, my arms intertwined with his. His neck was soooo yummy. God, he's adorable! And he rolled over on top of me to kiss me for a long time, and he let me just grab two handfuls of his ass and just...'hold' them. Hold and squeeze and massage them while he was on top of me. He makes me SO horny! Then, he smiled at me, and spun around to lift a leg over my head and he sank that luscious boner of his into my mouth where I sucked him as hard as I could. It felt like it had been an eternity since I tasted that awesome flavor of teenage dick, and I suckled at it like it was the last warm popsicle on Earth. Then I felt my own stiffness get completely surrounded by this really wet, really warm, sensation...and my knees turned to jelly. I could feel him bobbing up and down on it, and his tongue was sooooo smooth and slippery, I couldn't hold it in for long. Before I knew it...'splash'! I just couldn't hold it back, and he sucked down every drop. I was twitching for a full minute afterwards! I swear!
I got kinda worried that he might want to stick it in me again, and I was shaking a little bit because I was sure that I was gonna let him do it if he asked me. But thankfully he didn't. He just kept humping himself into my face, and I squeezed his ass cheeks really hard, holding him tight against my face. Mmmmmm...I loved the scent of him. His balls and that really soft wrinkled skin was resting on my upper lip and nostrils, and I inhaled one hundred percent pure 'AJ' with every breath. His thighs were on either side of my face, and I could feel their warmth on my cheeks. His smell was so arousing, and my mouth was watering from him tasting so damn good. I wanted it to last forever.
Then, he pushed in pretty deep, and it almost felt like I was gonna gag, but I didn't. It was a weird feeling. Because I don't think I had ever had anything that far back in my mouth before, but it didn't hurt at all. I could tell that he was in my throat, and it felt 'full'. Like it was kinda hard to swallow. But when I did swallow some saliva, AJ moaned kinda loud, and I almost thought it would wake up his mom. He couldn't hold out much longer after that, and before I knew it, he was pulsing and pumping that warm juice right into my throat. It was kinda cool, you know? Feeling that thick vein in his dick as it 'thumped' over and over again against my tongue.
Anyway, he spun back around until we were both facing the same way, and we kissed for a while and just laid on top of his covers while we rubbed our bodies together. It was a good experience. THIS was the kind of tender display that made me fall so madly in love with AJ in the first place. Especially when he smiled and said, "Did you miss me, baby?" Awwwwwwwwww....he called me 'baby'.
I told him that I definitely did miss him. And that nagging urge to bring up Scott and the weeks that had passed since he had called me last...they disappeared. I wanted to say something originally. But I just...I felt good. My whole body was tingling and everything felt perfect. I was here with AJ, we had just finished making love, and he was grinning at me with those pretty lips and beautiful eyes...I didn't wanna spoil it, you know? I wanted to have everything stay just like it was at that moment Sweet. And comfortable. And awesome.
Then, after like a half hour of just laying there and kissing, I noticed that it was getting late, and we were both getting sleepy anyways. The LAST thing I wanted to do was fall asleep naked next to AJ in his bed. Then his mom comes in and gives us hell, and my mom realizes I'm missing and SHE panics! And the only way for me to explain where I was is to mention AJ, which she doesn't know about yet, and then a chain reaction begins that I can't stop. Slowly spiraling downward until she finds out that her son is a homo and she sends me off to live with a circus of traveling sideshow freaks. That's NOT something I'm looking forward to!
I got dressed while he laid on the bed naked and watched me. He was getting hard again, so as soon as I put my shoes on, I got down on my knees and pushed him back on the mattress as I sucked on him some more. He was still kinda sticky from the first time he came in my mouth, and had some 'flavor' left over from his orgasm. But that just made it more delicious to me. I liked having his fingers in my hair while I sucked him. It makes my head and ears all tingly and ticklish. I kept going until he burst again, but it was just a little bit this time. And I had to go. But you know what he says to me? He says, "Billy? You know, my mom has a convention to go to in Milwaukee this Friday, and she's not driving back until Saturday night. So....the only rule is that I can't have any parties. But if you wanna come over on Friday, you can spend the night." I have to admit, the idea was quite possibly the SEXIEST thing that I had ever heard before in my life! Spend the night??? Wow! That's like...so 'adult'! We'd be alone. We could moan and groan and walk around naked and never have to worry about even locking the door. THAT would be awesome! It would be like being MARRIED or something! He completely won me over with that suggestion, and I told him I'd definitely be there! And then he kissed me long and deep, and let me leave.
So.....ummm....yeah. I think me and AJ are kinda back together now. I THINK! I dunno, I just wanna see what it's like to spend the night with somebody. And have LOTS of sex and kiss and eat together and just....'be'. I think that's gonna be SO awesome!
Anyway, I've been writing this for a while, and I have to get up in a few hours so...more to come later. I can't wait for this weekend! It's gonna be magic!
- Ok, this has been a strange development, but today, when I first saw Brandon in the library...I felt...'guilty' about last night. Would that sound totally backwards to anybody but me? I wonder. I don't know what it was, but the second he looked up at me and smiled, I felt that super warm feeling in my chest. And it began to spread, and heat up, and just..give me this wiggly sensation all over my body. And then...something weird happened. I started thinking about how sweet Brandon has been to me, and how cool he makes me feel inside, and I kinda...I dunno...I kinda felt grateful for being close enough to him to experience that level of joy in my heart. Arrrgh! I really can't put it into words and say it like I want to say it. But it's like....I feel as though I want to give him TWICE as much love as he brings to my life with the simplest of gestures. You know? A smile, a touch, a giggle...they all just keep my every footstep soaring high above ground, making me feel more than human with every breath that I take in his presence. And for some odd reason, everything that I've ever been scared to tell him comes rushing to the surface so fast that every thought in my head gets awkward and silly and trips up even in the easiest,/i> of social interactions. Why does my entire existence get so damn CLUMSY around him, anyway??? He's JUST another pretty boy, right? Hell, I've probably mentioned 20 boys just like him in this book alone over the last few months. And he's not even the cutest one among them! And AJ is actually giving me a piece of ass on TOP of being gorgeous! And I know Sam much better than I could ever hope to know Brandon! And Jamie Cross is like...so hot I'm expecting him to burst into FLAMES any second from the burden of it! So....so WHY does Brandon get this sudden high ranking in an order reserved for the supernaturally gorgeous? Huh? Beats the hell out of me. All I know is that whenever I bump into him, the idea of him being my favorite boy goes without question. I never have to second guess a single feeling in my heart, and it's SCARY! Because that means that I have to be open and vulnerable in a way that I can't even control if I ever hope to be close to him like I want to be. Sighhh...a teenager's life is anything but easy.
Anyway, there he was, being all...'cute' and 'dopey' in the most adorable way imaginable...and I start feeling bad. I start thinking of the time I spent with AJ, and wishing that I had spent it with Brandon instead. Even if it meant being 'friends' and not having any sex at all. It would have...meant more to me, you know? With all of AJ's sexy movements and sensual whispers in my ear, with his smooth warm skin and mind-blowing kisses...they just didn't equal five minutes worth of dreamy conversation with my 'pretty boy'. Even though AJ makes me CRAZY with the way he just grabs a hold of me without saying a word and makes me feel his hunger with every grope and whimper he can muster..it's just not the same. And....I kinda prefer Brandon's frustrating 'challenge' over AJ's acceptance. Does that sound stupid? It does when I read it in this book. Sighhh...whatever. I'll figure things out sooner or later.
Brandon had that fundraiser thing with Bobby Jinette today, and I kinda promised myself that I wouldn't get jealous or be weird about it this morning. But...dammit...it got to me anyway. So I rode my bike out to the community center and said hello. I mean, I actually pretended like I had forgotten that Bobby and Brandon were going to be out there! I felt like an idiot, because they KNEW that I knew about it. Especially since Brandon and I had just talked about it in the cafeteria at lunch today. Mindless infatuations can seriously cause you to embarrass yourself in the most 'interesting' ways sometimes. The two of them were behind a counter together, smiling, and having fun, and just....existing without me. I HATED that! I just....awwww, I don't WANT him to find out that he can easily be happy without me. If that happens, then I become...'less important'. It sounds selfish, but...Brandon is SUCH a fucking sweetheart. The second he realizes that he can have his pick of anybody he wants on this planet...he'll forget all about me. I know he will. Love Billy for a little while, and then toss him aside like yesterday's garbage once he discovers that he really does have something special to offer somebody else. Whatever. I guess I'm obsessing again. All I know is that I ended up staying at that stupid fundraiser thing, standing in ONE place while straddling my bike, until it was almost over with. I wasted all afternoon there. I just couldn't leave them alone with one another. I COULDN'T, you understand??? Am I crazy or what?
The hardest thing to take was that Bobby wasn't threatened by my presence at ALL! He was just as calm and witty as always. Why is he so much better at this than I am? Why is everyone on EARTH so much fucking better at relationships than I am?!?!?!?!? What the FUCK do I have to do? Take lessons?
Ok, I'm getting frustrated again. And besides, nothing else really happened today worth mentioning. Not that I know of. I guess I'll write more tomorrow when I've got more to say. I'm going to bed. I'm already half asleep anyway after my activities last night. To hell with Bobby and Brandon. I'll show them. I'm going to have more sex this weekend than the whores on the Vegas strip, and it's gonna be damn good too! I'm sure Bobby is still stuck on virgin territory anyway. So let's see him try to please Brandon the way I can. Psh!
Over and out!