- I can't stay too long, because I've gotta jump in the shower and find my way out to AJ's house. I have to admit...I'm a little 'shaky' right now I mean...I'm actually going to spend the night with another boy. That's like...whoah! That's just, like, beyond everything that I ever even expected from him at this point. Spending the night. Like, going over, and kissing him, and making dinner, and having lots of sex in an actual bed, as many times as we want, with no one else around. And then sleeping together. Showering together. Even waking up next to each other. What is THAT going to feel like? That's like being a real couple or something! Can you imagine? Me...Billy Chase...somebody's husband! Hehehe! I like that idea!
I kinda made up my mind to not let this weekend pass me by without at least asking him if he would let me put it in his ass. I really REALLY want to see what it's like to fuck somebody. I really do! I'm jumping around and trembling just thinking about it. I read this story online, and they made it sound like it was soooo warm and tight and awesome! Like it was the most awesome feeling on Earth! If I beg him enough, I bet you he'll let me do it! I know he will! I can't wait to feel that tight hold gripping me!
Anyway, let me get on with my entry...
I had a bit of craziness today shortly after lunch. Which, thankfully, turned out to not be so bad, but it terrified me nonetheless. See, I saw Stacy in the hall, and I know that she 'kinda' likes me, but I'm not supposed to know that. I was a few minutes early for class, because it's right down the hall from my locker. So I said hello, and she made small small talk for a minute or two. Then...do you know what she did? Get this! Stacy comes RIGHT OUT and asks me if I'm GAY!!! What the hell??? I literally swallowed a fresh piece of gum when she said that! I could have choked to death! I think it's just in every boy's human instinct to instantly shout out, "HELL NO!"...which is exactly what I did.
But then she asks me, "Does Jimmy know that?" Which confused me a bit, as I didn't know what the hell that had to do with her asking me such an invasive question about my sexuality.
So I'm like, "Yeah. Jimmy knows that."
"Did you come right out and tell him?" She says.
And I say, "No, not really. I didn't really have to."
But SHE says, "Well, Jimmy kinda told us that he thinks you might be gay, but you're just hiding out. And he really likes you a lot, Billy, so it's not like he's going to SAY anything to you. He talks about you ALL the time, and he thinks you're like...the cutest boy ever created. So...I mean...you might want to tell him that you're 'unavailable' of something." Then she adds, "So he can move on. And so you can move on too. I mean, like, you never know, you might wanna get a 'girlfriend' or something eventually." She said it just like that. What the hell did she have to throw THAT in for? So NOW I'm not sure if she's telling me the truth, or if she just said that because she likes me and Jimmy has put me on the 'hands off' list with his friends, or if she's telling me the truth because she likes me and Jimmy has put me on the 'hands off' list with his friends. Anyway, I hardly knew what to say. And I blushed, and she kinda leaned up against her locker and smiled. And she's like, "Awww...Billy, don't blush. Hehehe, you are SO cute when you blush."
And like a dork, I tell her, "I have to go to class." And I kinda run away. What kind of disturbing ass comment was that to make to a guy on his way to class? Is she completely MENTAL or what? Nearly messed up the rest of my afternoon, thinking about that.
Shit, I've gotta get in the shower and get out of here before I miss my bus. I'm ready. I already told my mom that I was spending a night at a friend's house, I've got a change of clothes, and AJ is hard, dripping, and waiting for me to join him. Let me see...anything else? Not that I can think of. Ok, off I go. To live in 'sin' for the next 24 hours, hehehe! Wish me luck! I think this weekend is going to be awesome!!!
Was last night everything that I expected it to be? I dunno. Maybe it was But...I don't feel good about it. I mean...what's wrong with me? I thought that last night was going to be one of those amazing experiences that I was going to remember for the rest of my life. You know...the kind of sudden leap in experimental evolution that takes you to the 'next level' somehow and actually let's you feel adult for a little while. I thought that maybe this weekend would cement some kind of 'deal' between us that would...I dunno...strengthen our relationship or something. Arrrgh! That looks stupid! That's not what I mean.
Who KNOWS what I'm thinking right now? I just...I wanted last night to be something magical, and it just...wasn't. You know?
Basically, as soon as I walked through the front door, AJ started kissing me and helping me out of my clothes. But I kinda expected that. He said he wanted to have sex in the living room, because we'd never done it in there before. So he stripped off all of my clothes and kissed me and...at FIRST, it felt really GOOD! Everything AJ does to me sexually feels good..except for that 'one' thing. Which I'll get into later. So we have sex in the living room, and we had sex in the bathroom, and we had sex in his kitchen, and then we went in his mom's room because she has a bigger bed in there, and we had sex in there too. But...and I never thought that I'd say this...I kinda got tired of having sex all the time. Well...I mean, it still felt awesome, because AJ is so good at it. But when he had his orgasm and I had mine, we just sorta laid there together...and I kept trying to think of something to say to him. It was weird. Everything that I said was like...'small talk'. The kinda conversation you have with a teacher when you see them somewhere outside of school with your parents around, and they're trying to be...you know...normal. The simple fact is, when I look at AJ now, he's still just as cute as he ever was. And when he's naked and laying on his stomach on top of the sheets with that really cute, bubbled, ass of his sticking up in the air...he's EXTREMELY hot! Beyond a shadow of a doubt, one of the most beautiful boys I've ever seen! But...I just....I didn't want him. Does that sound bonkers or what? I'm laying there next to him, my body still trembling from the awesome orgasm he gave me, and I just didn't feel anything for him. I've gotta be some kinda stupid moron to not be down on my knees and thanking God almighty for the opportunity to have a boy like this just spit in my direction, much less ask me to spend the night at his house having hours and hours of passionate SEX with him while his mom is out of town! And yet, when the inevitable request came for him to kiss me on the lips, smile, and whisper, "I wanna fuck you soooo bad that it hurts. Will you let me? Hmmm? Roll over on your tummy for me, baby." I didn't even feel like I was really a part of this relationship at all. It felt like I wasn't even there. When he pushed forward slightly and entered me from behind...it hurt. It always hurts. And all the whispers and whimpers and kisses on the back of my neck and ears couldn't make that pain go away. I didn't even exist. I just wanted to clench up and get him off fast so that it would be over with quickly.
That was pretty much how the rest of the evening went. We did make a frozen pizza, and drained a 2 liter of Pepsi. Then watched some TV. Then more sex. AJ's hands were all over me. Every ten minutes he wanted to kiss me or touch me or something. And even when I started getting sore, my boner would get hard anyway, and once it got all stiff and achy, all I wanted was for him to suck on it and make it go down again. But a couple of times, I closed my eyes, and pretended that it was Brandon touching me, or kissing me, or tightening his soft lips around my shaft and letting his tongue drive me wild with the way it slides around underneath the soft side. Now THAT was cool! But AJ kept ruining it by saying something, and it would pull me right out of the fantasy, you know? Maybe I'm being silly, but I don't think I really wanna 'know' him anymore. This isn't special any more. It isn't 'unique'. This doesn't make my heart race the way it used to. It's just the same old moans and groans and the same old warm wet holes to fill. It was...dare I even say it? BORING!!! Seriously. And when I really thought about it, not a single one of these bed creaking sex sessions had the personal impact of Brandon's smile. I mean...I could have 'sex' with anybody. I could have sex with Jimmy, or Joanna, or Bobby Jinette....and I doubt that it would be any different than...whatever this is that AJ and I were involved in right now. But something about Brandon moved me to a whole other level without laying a single hand on me. And I suddenly realized that I preferred that to everything else. Even when the other stuff felt good.
When we went to bed that night, he kissed me hard and long, and lifted my legs on his shoulders, and he slowly fucked me again. It was a little bit easier on me that time, because he wasn't pounding away at it like before. But I've officially made up my mind that I am NOT into being somebody's bottom. Not ever. Not the first time, not this time, and not any of the times in between. I can feel him kissing me, and I can feel his weight on me, and I can feel him hitting that little 'button' or whatever inside me...but it still just doesn't do it for me. The only pleasure I get out of it is seeing AJ enjoy it so much. But since he refuses to let me do him in return, I don't even get THAT much of a kick out of it. Sighhh...he's just selfish.
When I went to sleep that night, I felt used. Sick. Almost raped. I didn't even want him to touch me while I was sleeping. I seriously just wanted to take an hour long shower and wash his 'stickiness' off of me. I just...I wanted to go home.
When I woke up the next morning, AJ's head was under the covers, and he was giving me one of the BEST blowjobs of my LIFE! If you've never been waken up with somebody's lips and tongue sucking softly at your morning hardon, I HIGHLY recommend it! It'll blow your mind! Anyway, I shot a huge load this morning, and then he kinda straddled my face, and started pushing it into my mouth really fast. In and out, in and out, and I didn't like it. I seriously just...I'm 'done' with this whole thing. Right after he exploded and I swallowed it down (Not that I had much choice in the matter), I told him that I had to be home early. So I left. And the whole way home...I could still feel him all over me. I could still taste him It was YUCKY! I never in my life thought that there could be a downside to having sex with a gorgeous teenage boy. But I guess you live and learn.
I haven't told him yet, and maybe I won't have to, but it's safe to say that AJ and I...are pretty much over. I just...I don't wanna see him again For the first time since I met him...AJ...that cutie in the mall...my very FIRST boyfriend...I feel like I'm better than this. I can't settle for what looks good this time. I want more. BRANDON is more. And as much as I hate to even think it...AJ just isn't for me. I only wish I could have figured that out before now.
Anyway, I think I'm gonna brush my teeth again. And maybe take another shower before bed. I hope I'm not making the biggest mistake of my life by throwing this fish back in the ocean. I'm really grateful to have had him in my life for a while. I hope fate doesn't take this as the rejection of a generous favor. Because I'm gonna need a full blown miracle to get close to the boy of my dreams.
I've gotta go. Later.
-Billy (Alone again)