- My mom has been a bit of a basket case all day today, and I can't really understand why. She hasn't eaten anything at all since breakfast, as far as I can tell, and she's been shutting herself up in her room half the night without saying a word. Then...when I finally DO see her, her eyes are all red and swollen like she's been crying. It's both frustrating and scary at the same time. I don't have the faintest idea of what has been making her feel so low these days, but it doesn't seem to be going away. I wonder if she just misses Dad? But, geez, if that's all it is, she can just CALL him, and he'll totally CAVE when he hears that she misses him living with us! I mean, he's GOTTA come back eventually, right? Maybe that will fix this moronic situation once and for all, and we can get back to being a normal family. Just pick up the phone, sit down at the kitchen table, and TALK! I'd be happy to leave the house for a few hours if it'll help. Whatever they need. Just as long as they get over this weirdness and make an attempt to figure things out. Yeah...it seemed SO obvious to me, but I wasn't quite sure how to bring that up to her. Not yet, anyway.
I must have walked past her room a hundred times tonight, but I was too scared to knock and ask what was wrong. The fact of the matter is, I don't think I really know how to 'cheer somebody up'? Well...I mean, if Sam was ever feeling down, I'd just push him down on the grass and tell him to change his tampon while smacking him repeatedly in the face until he started laughing and flipped me over to wrestle until we were too tired to go on. Then of course, there was kissing Jimmy LaPlane on the mouth. That made HIM awfully happy. Um...right. Somehow, I don't think either one of those particular tactics are going to work with my mom. Especially the wrestling. Besides, she's bigger than me. And MEANER! Chances are that I'll land flat on my back with her making a total bitch out of me! So I'll have to find another way. I left her alone tonight, but I think I should definitely say something tomorrow. I want her to feel better. I really do.
I had some pretty strange thoughts about AJ tonight. I mean...despite the fact that I wanted to be officially 'done' with that whole relationship, something about it made me feel...'sad'. At least, I THINK that's what it was that I was feeling. I don't know. Yesterday, I was sure that I could just walk away and save myself the agony of even thinking about him again. But...now there's this strange confusion left over. And I have to ask myself if I'm completely sure if I know what walking away from AJ really MEANS. It means no more kisses, no more 'I love yous', no more handfuls of his sweet ass, no more 69's on the bedroom floor, no more naked cuddling, no more orgasms period. And, going by how long it took me to find a boy like AJ to even CONSIDER making me his boyfriend...that particular 'drought' might go on for a looooong time. I mean....I had a boyfriend. An actual, real life, BOYFRIEND! And he was cute too! He wanted love, and sex, and kisses, and rendezvous in the middle of the night...he was amazing. And now? Now...I'm honestly considering being 'alone' again. Going back to jacking off in my room all by myself, drooling over untouchable straight boys like Jamie Cross and Brandon, and pretending to be heterosexual again with no outlet for the real me whatsoever. Nobody to let me be myself and just....exist without thinking. You know?
Sighhh....what am I doing? Am I even doing this right?
I know it seemed really backwards, but if I had to choose between being 'used' and being 'alone'...I'd prefer being 'used'. Hell, I'd prefer ANYTHING over being alone again. Anything.
Maybe AJ and I just need to 'separate' for a while. Like my parents did. Maybe things will be better when we spend some more time apart. Who knows? He was a sweetheart at one time, after all. I'm sure that didn't just vanish into thin air. Maybe I'll save the 'break up' for later. That's just one bridge I don't wanna burn.
I called Brandon today. I don't know why. I didn't really have anything to talk to him about. But I thought about him, and I had this uncontrollable desire to hear his voice again. I felt a bit ashamed, as though I had cheated on him by spending time with AJ. I felt like my body had been 'tainted' by our love making, and that it wasn't really worthy of Brandon's attention anymore. I can't explain it...but it sucked. Big time.
And yet, when Brandon picked up the phone and found out it was me on the other end of the line, his cheerful response was just....it was great, you know? It really elevated my mood beyond what I even thought was possible considering the day I've had. He has this really cute way of sorta 'half laughing' and 'half talking' when he teases me. It's so....beautiful. He has the kind of expressive voice that allows you to totally imagine everything that he's doing while he's on the other end of the phone. I swear, I can mentally see his smile. I can practically smell the personal teen fragrance on his shirt. And sometimes...he'll stop talking for a second or two, and there will be this 'silence'. You know? Just....this brief little pause, where he's thinking of something else to say. And it drives me crazy, because those few seconds...like...'connect' us on some deeper level somehow. I know, it sounds stupid. But it's true. Brandon has some really great silences. Every one of them is like a kiss on the cheek to me. And I'd DIE for a kiss on the cheek from Brandon. I really would.
We talked for almost three hours tonight, and then he had to go to bed. I was kinda tired myself, but I hardly wanted to say goodbye. It almost hurt to hang up the phone. But I suppose I'll see him tomorrow, right? So what's the big deal? Here I am, sitting on my bed, hugging a pillow and writing my fantasies down in this book instead of trying to go out and tell Brandon how I feel. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I should just leave him a note or something. Maybe it'll get him curious about me. I could try dropping a few hints to let him know that I'm gay, and maybe he'll ask me out. And if he's NOT gay, which is probably the case, then I can always say that he misinterpreted what I was saying...or something. Whatever, I'll play it safe for now. I just hope I can be a better boyfriend to him than I was to AJ and Joanna. I'd better not screw this up.
Alright, I'm going to bed now! I'll write more soon. Later.
- You know...when you have a friend that you've known for most of your life, and you still have to 'see' them on an almost daily basis, it's kinda hard to suddenly have them sucked out of your life. There's this big void left over that you never really fill up with anything else ever again. You just kinda....allow somebody else to distract you from the fact that it's there. It works about as well as stabbing someone in the hand with a screwdriver in order to take their mind off of their headache. This is my ongoing dilemma with Sam.
Today, while I usually try to avoid all kind of communication whatsoever, I actually had a somewhat civilized conversation with him. Well...civilized, considering the fact that I was trying hard not to hate his fucking guts. It was one of those awkward moments when we crossed paths in the hallway in between classes, and made eye contact. Am I still angry? Of course I'm still angry! I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him again after he snatched my girlfriend away from me. But...even though the emotion was still there and going strong...it took a real effort to display it these days. I mean, to actually come up with something nasty to say that I haven't already said, trying to shoot daggers at him with a look that I haven't already given him, it became a struggle. It takes energy to purposely hate someone...even when they totally deserve it. So, I guess, today, I decided to give it a break.
We didn't speak for long. And we CERTAINLY didn't mention Joanna. I was the first to say hi, but it was hard to look him in the eye without getting upset again. I don't even know why I did it. Maybe, I just felt that bottomless chasm growing larger and larger between us, to the point where our past friendship was almost stretched too thin to reach both sides any more. And I kinda missed having him on my side. I've seen some new video games come out at the local game store, I've seen commercials for movies that I wanted to see in the theaters, there were even a few funny commercials on TV, or episodes of Aqua Teen Hunger Force, that I wish I could enjoy. But...I needed Sam there to do that. I mean, how can I really laugh at something and not have someone close to me to discuss it with. I'm sure I could 'train' Jimmy or Brandon or somebody else to appreciate the same things...but it still wouldn't be as genuine. Sam and I put a lot of time into building what we had. I really hate him for tearing it down so quickly without a decent reason.
Anyway, Sam was like, "Hey. So...I finally got my CD burner fixed. It doesn't screw up like it did before. Not as much."
And I'm like, "That's good. I hope it works better."
And he says, "Yeah. And it's faster too." And there was this long silence, where things got a little uncomfortable between us. But I guess that's to be expected considering that we haven't really said this much to each other in weeks. It was weird, talking to such a familiar face and yet feeling like he was a total stranger all over again. Luckily for me, the talk wasn't really going 'easy' for him either. It made me wonder...does he miss me too?
So I asked him what he was doing these days, and Sam kinda shrugged and said, "Well, my mom's been teaching me to drive a little." Which made me smile. But it was an accident, I swear. I guess it was just an automatic reaction or whatever.
"Really? No way..." I said.
"Yep. She's been letting me practice a little bit in the parking lot of the old MegaMart. It's harder than I thought. But it's fun." He told me. I had forgotten how soothing it could be to just hear his voice. Something about it just felt like 'home'.
Then....the bell rang. It sorta shattered the illusion that things between us were....'ok'. They weren't. And they probably never will be again. "Well, I've gotta go." I told him. And he just nodded.
"Ok, well...see ya." He said, and gave me a wave as he walked off to his class. I can't tell if that tiny connection really had any impact on either one of us at all. But in a way, it was slightly relaxing to not have to carry that giant bag of rage on my back, if only for a few minutes.
I didn't really get a chance to spend any time at all with Brandon today. But that was kinda relaxing too. It's easier to be myself around him when I'm on the phone. Having to look him in those pretty eyes of his just floors me every time, and it hurts in the center of my stomach just to have him smile at me. On the phone, I get a little bit of distance. Some shade from his glowing aura of perfection. If I ever build up the nerve to actually try to approach the subject of us being...you know...'together'...it'll probably be over the phone.
Oh, and I got an email from Jimmy tonight. He said, "OH MAN!!! I just wrote to LEE!!! I shouldn't have sent that email! Are you sure it's ok?" To which he added, "Ps- I am SO nervous!!! What if he thinks I'm a doofus? Please write back! TONIGHT if you can!"
Hehehe, Jimmy worries too much. I know he hasn't had the most amazing history with social interactions and all...but he's actually a really nice guy when you get to know him. Besides, Lee is one of those naturally lovable people that gets along with, like, 98% of all the people he's ever met. And the remaining 2% are just jealous of his ability to do so. So I made sure to write Jimmy back to let him know that it was ok. I think it's cool that they might talk online a few times. As long as Jimmy doesn't let himself get too infatuated with him. Lee is straight after all. And I would hate for Jimmy to have to go through the same things with Lee as I do with Brandon. Or Sam for that matter. Ah well, it'll be fine. And it might help to keep his mind off of me for a while too.
Now if I can just get Stacy to talk to Lee too, I'd be completely free! Hehehe!
Ok, I'm going to bed. I'll write more soon. Later.