- WOW!!! Holy shit! Ok...let me start off by saying that I truly believe that I have experienced a divine moment today from the Heavens themselves!!! Ok? I mean it! It was like...a TOTAL 'sign' or something! And I don't have any idea of what to do about it! Or if I can do anything at ALL! I'm just, like...spinning in circles right now!
Ok, so...I see Brandon right before lunch, and we were gonna walk down to the cafeteria together and eat like we always do, right? No big deal. But you know what he did today? He's all like, "I don't really feel like eating in the cafeteria today. It's way too nice outside."
And at first, that seemed like a weird comment that came totally out of nowhere. So I'm like, "What?"
And HE says, "Why don't we go and eat outside someplace? We can enjoy some of the sunshine and get away from all this noise. Just you and me."
So I say, "Sure." But of course, I'd follow Brandon pretty much anywhere he asked me to go.
So we get our lunch, and we carry it out to the grass on the East end of the school, where it's just sorta....'me and him', you know? Just like he said. It was soooo awesome to be separated from everybody else for a while. He was really cute in everything he did today. And, I mean, he's ALWAYS cute, but I wasn't really mentally undressing him today like I usually do. Today we were just kinda being friendly. Well...we were joking around about how nice it was outside, and I told him I should have been wearing shorts today. Then he says...I swear to God..."Oh, trying to show off your sexy legs, huh?"
I didn't take the comment SERIOUSLY, mind you...but it was cute to hear him say it. So I said, "Nah, I would rather take my shirt off and show off my sexy chest instead. Hehehe!"
And HE says, "Or you could just go completely naked, and lay out on the grass where everybody can lust after you." And he smiled when he said it, but it wasn't like, his usual, talk-laugh teasing type of thing. He kinda blushed a little bit, and his voice was a bit softer, and he didn't look at me at all. It felt...you know...flirtatious. I told him that I was a bit too 'ugly' to go that far, but he told me, "You're not ugly. I know a couple of people who I'm sure would pay to see you naked."
So I'm like, "WHO???"
And he says, "Never mind who. Just...some people." And he has the most beautiful grin in the world when he's being all shy and cuddly. I LOVE it! I kept pressing him for info, and he's like, "Just...don't sell yourself short, K? You're not ugly. There are plenty of people that want you."
Again, I'm not really THINKING like I should have been! Because I'm so used to keeping my emotions hidden from Brandon that I don't really know what to do with them when they spontaneously 'show up' on the surface. I made up a fun little gay lisp, and said, "Do YOU want me, sweetheart?"
And he acted kinda gay too, and he pushed me a little with a limp wrist and said, "You know I do, baby. I'm just waiting for you to tell me where and when." And we giggled a bit, and then, he said, "I love being around you, Billy." But he didn't have the funny gay voice this time. I wasn't sure if he was serious or not. But he added, "Seriously. I want us to spend some more time together. You know...just to...'hang out', or whatever."
And that's when I started to get a little bit nervous. But in that really playful kinda way, you know? Not to mention that I stiffened up pretty damn quick. Not from sexual stimulation or any dirty thoughts. I SWEAR! I think it was just this...flood of emotion that gushed out of me all at once, and it made my boner stand at full attention in like 2 seconds. And I asked him..."Really? Um...how come?" Which is a DUMB ASS question, considering that I should have just taken the damn blessing and kept my mouth shut! But, I didn't know what else to say.
And that's when Brandon says, "Because I like you, Billy." And he was sorta sheepish when he said it, biting his bottom lip and all. He started looking down at the ground, and pulling up a few blades of grass on the lawn. He only took a couple of small glances up at me, and giggled when he did. "I do. You're...you're cool." So I TOTALLY didn't know how to answer him, and I just kinda...sat there. Giggling with him for a few seconds like an idiot. I think I was blushing soooo hard when he told me that! Oh God...Brandon is truly working his way into being the most wonderful boy I've ever known. And gay or not...I think I'm falling more and more in love with him every second of the day. It's like I can't stop it now. And everything else becomes a blur.
We sorta made arrangements to hang out at my house this Friday. And I don't know why...but it felt kinda like a 'date' or something. I mean, the plans were much more serious this time...but not. Arrgh! I don't know, I might just be acting stupid again. And love, it blinds you from EVERYTHING logical! But...there is a part of me that wants him SO badly that it makes even the most impossible stroke of luck seem achievable. And it's constantly pushing me in Brandon's direction, no matter how much my brain tries to resist for fear of getting really hurt here. I mean...if Brandon turns out to not want me that way...how am I ever going to look him in the face again? How am I going to be close to him, talk to him, eat lunch with him...without aching inside like some wounded seal stretched out on land?
I guess that's just something I'll have to deal with when I get the chance. Or the courage. But...so help me, God...if you're playing another mean joke on me, I'm never going to church again! Believe me.
I think erotic images of Brandon kinda filled my head for the rest of the day. My emotions have been feeling so GOOEY since lunchtime! Half of me wants to believe that this is my chance to get him over here and lick every single inch of his sexually potent naked body! And the other half wants me to just snap out of this stupid dream before I end up doing something wrong that I can't take back! What happens if this ends up like the Simon situation, huh? Did ya think of THAT, genius? Without Simon, Jimmy being in love with me, and no more hanging out with Sam or Joanna...I don't wanna piss Brandon off too! I mean, shit...I'd be all alone! Totally! I've really gotta play this careful.
Anyway, that's it for now. I wish you could actually hear me whining desperately through the words that I've written out with this pen. Because I REALLY REALLY want Brandon to be my boyfriend! I really do. I just don't know how to make it happen. The thing with AJ was so simple He practically did all the work. But Brandon doesn't seem to be that brave. And I'm not either. Sighhh...so we're stuck at a 'checkmate' for now But I'll figure something out. Promise.
- Hahaha! Oh man! Get this! Jimmy just called me about twenty minutes ago, and he says that he wrote to Lee again. The thing is, Lee happened to be online this time, which Jimmy was dreading beyond belief. Jimmy waited purposely until late to even send a short email to AVOID that kind of terrifyingly 'instant' response. Well...anyway, Lee evidently got the email, read it, and wrote back to say hello. That's just like Lee though, he's one of the friendliest guys on the planet, you know? I think Jimmy was scared to write back, and even MORE scared not to write back. So he said 'hi' back, and they exchanged IM info...and the next thing you know, they're like...chatting! For over an hour and a half!
Dude, Jimmy was overjoyed! When he called and told me what happened, he could barely contain himself. He was seriously out of breath. He's like, "Billy...Lee is SOOOOO SWEET! Everything he does is cute! And that was just from chatting! He made me laugh out loud *SO* many times! He's awesome!"
And I'm like, "I TOLD you he was cool! Aren't you glad that you wrote to him?"
He said, "HELL YES!!! Billy, don't tell him I said anything though, ok? I don't want him to think I'm a freak or anything."
"Why would he think you're a freak for having a good time talking to him?" I asked.
And Jimmy's all, "Because I think I seriously just fell in love right there on the spot! Hehehe!" I kinda wanted to remind him that Lee was straight, but Jimmy jumped in with, "He sent me a picture tonight! It's SO cute! He was in front of his webcam, and he had his shirt all the way unbuttoned...I could see his chest!" And Jimmy literally squealed as I heard him roll backwards on his bed, to kick his feet up in the air a few times. He sounded like a completely different person to me at that moment. There was no penetrating that mood, not even with the truth. So...I figured that I might as well leave him with a little bit of happiness, you know? I let him revel in the feeling of being undeniably attracted to someone...outrageously beautiful.
Besides, I have to admit, I was kinda jealous that Lee never sent ME any webcam pics. Certainly none with his shirt open. Just hearing Jimmy giggle uncontrollably, blushing and squirming as his emotions got the best of him...reminded me of just how attractive Lee really was. I don't mean 'cute', or 'sexy', or just 'good looking', either. I mean...he's all of THOSE things too...but with Lee...it's something more than that. He's such a personable and magnetic teenager to be around. Out of all the kids we know or go to school with, he seems to be one of the chosen few who knows exactly who he is and what his place is in the world. All the maturity and wit of an adult, and yet all of the playfulness and innocent charm of a teen. Wrap that up in a slim and trim package with a glorious smile and eyes that shine bright enough to make you melt into a puddle right where you stand....and he's more than worthy of ANYBODY'S crush! So I guess I can't blame Jimmy for being wrapped up in him so quickly. He's gorgeous. Now that I think about it, I should send him an email tomorrow to see if I can get a little bit of that Lee magic myself. Hehehe!
Jimmy and I talked for twenty minutes, and then he said that he was gonna send Lee an email to say g'night. He was so excited, I loved it. It was cute. I hope him and Lee get along great.
Oh...AJ left me a message to call him tonight. I made sure to erase it. But that decision didn't come without some hesitation. I mean...even though I definitely want to end it with him...this is the first time that I've had to really confront that issue since I made the decision. I didn't exactly 'tell' him that I didn't want to see him anymore. I just kinda figured that..I'd stop calling him until he just sorta...went away. He'll get the hint eventually, right? There's no reason to just 'dump' him and have him yell at me and leave us both feeling like shit.
Ok...that looks even WORSE when I write it down, much less sit here and think it. Ok, so maybe I'll have to make an effort to pick up the phone and let him know that it's over. Just...not today. Later.
He probably just wants to have sex anyway. Sighhh....so much of AJ's sex was sooooo good. But I'm NOT going to allow that to make me weak. I promise not to let him trap me again. I'm writing it down. So if I screw up, this admission is going to be sitting here staring me RIGHT in the face. No more AJ! Not for ANY reason!
In other news, I ate lunch outside with Brandon again today. It was actually a bit chilly this time around, but I asked him to come out with me anyway, hoping that we could share another 'moment', or whatever. But as usual...all of the moments we share that I could consider 'special'...they happen so damn fast that they're over and done with before I get a chance to really know what the hell is going on. And every attempt I make to look for those moments ahead of time, seem to fail miserably. I guess you just can't force these things to happen when it's convenient for you to notice. Which sucks, big time. But we had a nice time together anyway. He's my favorite little 'pretty boy' regardless.
I've got to stop writing in here and finish that dumb history outline for class tomorrow. Which I suppose is important. But to be honest, I get more out of writing in this journal for ten minutes a day than I do with three or four hours of monotonous homework. Ah well...no use complaining. I'll write more soon. Later.