- Yawwwwn! Damn, I'm tired right now! You wanna know something really fucked up? I stayed up until almost 2 in the morning last night, trying to finish that STUPID history assignment...FINALLY got it done...and I was so groggy when I woke up, that I left the fucking thing on my desktop this morning!!! I mean it! I guess my mind was just fucking worn out from drilling about 75 years worth of history into my head in one night. Naturally, I didn't even know that I had forgotten it until my teacher asked for it. And NATURALLY, he thought it was complete bullshit that I had just left it at home. Fucking teachers...they NEVER budge an inch on mistakes like that. Sighhh...anyway, he's all like, "Well, Mr. Chase...without a paper, I'll have to give you a zero then." As though I give a shit. I DID the homework, I just happened to not have it with me. Geez! He could let me turn it in tomorrow or something. He's just being a hard ass because he has the authority to do so. It's SO not fair!
Anyway, that aside, today was a slightly odd day. I saw Sam in the halls again, and we sorta said hello, but that was it. It was only in passing. You have no idea how weird it feels to walk past your former best friend, as well as one of your very first crushes, and see them as just this sorta 'familiar face' in the hallway and nothing more. I mean...I guess I shouldn't complain. We were being 'civil' to one another after all. But while our behavior was friendly, it wasn't like we were actually friends anymore. Maybe something had changed. Maybe some rip in time and space has switched my best friend with someone else who doesn't know me as well. Who knows what it was? But it's driven us even further apart than before. And what scares me most is the fact that it didn't hurt as much anymore. That anger, that betrayal, that sadness...even though it was pointed directly at him, it was keeping me 'connected' to him somehow. But now? Without that anger, we were content to go on with the rest of our lives apart from one another. And it was something that I never once saw coming. Never. Yeah...it hurts to miss someone...but it hurts even more to miss missing them. If that makes any sense.
Oh, I almost forgot! Bobby Jinette evidently got caught checking out Kyle Paxon in the gym locker room today! Ouch...I guess he wasn't as 'careful' with those wandering eyes of his as he thought he was. I was there for the whole thing, and Kyle had this really disgusted look on his face. I know Bobby must have been scared, because he was blushing hard enough to almost turn purple. And Kyle was like, "What the fuck are you looking at?" And Bobby pretended not to hear him at first, but Kyle pushed him from behind and he fell up against the lockers. "Are you some kinda faggot, or what???" Bobby totally denied it, and just wanted to get dressed, but I could tell that he was just terrified. His hands were shaking so bad that he could hardly pull his zipper down to get undressed. Kyle just kept making fun of him though. He wouldn't let it go. And he would switch from laughing with some of the other guys, to angrily raising his fist up to make Bobby flinch. It was humiliating for us all, you know? I know that Bobby is...well...he's not an 'enemy' of mine, but he's definitely a 'rival' of sorts. At least where Brandon was concerned. But...I kinda felt bad for him. Kyle kept shoving him, and when Bobby took his pants off, Kyle yanked his boxers down to his ankles and pushed him over. Bobby had his underwear around his ankles and fell to the side on the floor, pretty much putting his 'everything' on display for the rest of us. It was a pretty mean thing to do.
I hate to admit it, but I looked. I drank in every detail. Bobby's cute, so sue me. Anyway, I thought he'd be a little...um...'bigger' than he was in the package department, but it was still really nice. And his ass is REALLY hot! Round and bubbly, with little dimples in the sides, and a really pale tan line and stuff. It was sooooo smooth, it looked like you could slide a finger across its slick surface with NO friction at all. But, despite the fact that Bobby was exceptionally cute naked, that's really is beside the point.
Anyway, Kyle finally finished getting dressed and went out to the gym, taking his giggling friends with him. The rest of us just kinda kept our heads down and tried not to look Bobby in the eye. It was embarrassing to see him so humiliated. But, just before I left the locker room, I remembered that I forgot to take my watch off. So I went back to put it in my locker, and I could see Bobby crying a little bit. He leaned his forehead against the locker, and was pounding it lightly with his fist, sniffling a bit. And when he saw me, he turned his back to me and faced the wall. He wiped his watery eyes and took a deep breath to keep from producing any more tears. I tried to say something....you know...comforting. But the second I opened my mouth, Bobby just said, "Forget it. I'm alright." And he left.
I don't think I've ever had a sympathetic moment for Bobby Jinette before Not a day in my life. Hell, he was more popular than I was, usually. Has been since the 6th grade. But looking at him now, knowing what I know..I guess he was in the same position that I was. I remember what it was like. To want SOOO badly to look, but being so scared of getting caught. Being so excited, but feeling so wrong about it. It just...it wasn't cool for Bobby to have to go through that alone. It's not cool for anybody to have to go through that alone.
I have to be honest, I wanted to just comfort him and let him know that it would be ok. That I understood how he felt. Maybe even...maybe even let him know that I felt it too. But...that's just not realistic, is it? I'm not going to 'out' myself to Bobby Jinette, that's just not going to happen. I guess it's alright though. Bobby just ran out to the gym and acted like the whole thing never happened. He put on a brave face and walked right out there with the rest of us. Had it been me...I would have probably been too damn scared to be around anybody until I was sure that Kyle wasn't going to spread the info to everybody that I was a 'queer', just for kicks. I suppose Bobby just has a different way of dealing with this kinda bullshit than I do.
I also made the big mistake of talking to AJ on the phone tonight. But it WASN'T my fault! Honestly! I thought it might be Brandon on the phone, because we didn't get much of a chance to talk today like we usually do. He actually told me once that he misses talking to me when we don't eat lunch together. Awww, isn't he the most adorable boy EVER??? Anyway, imagine my surprise, and disappointment, when I found out that it was AJ on the phone instead.
It wasn't...it wasn't ALL bad. It's just...I should be getting away from him. Not talking to him on the phone. Not like this. At first he's asking me if I wanted to come over tonight for a bit, and I'm like "No. I've got too much homework to do to come over tonight." Which is a lie. Because I doubt that any school on the Earth will ever be able to give me enough homework to make me NOT want to have sex with a cute teenage boy! But I remembered just how 'dirty' it felt the last few times, and I just don't wanna feel like that anymore.
But....sighhhh....AJ's soooo cute when he whimpers, you know? And he kept me on the phone for a while. He was like, "Why not??? Come on, baby. Come over for a little bit. Just fifteen minutes, and then you can go." And I told him I couldn't. And he's like, "You know what? I've been thinking about your sweet, delicious, ass all day, Billy. I want it. You hear me, honey? I want it soooo bad. Mmmmmm...I wanna lick it tonight. I wanna put my tongue inside you."
And I gulped for a second, and asked, "Uhh...what?"
And AJ said, "I wanna eat you, Billy. I wanna eat you so DEEP. I saw it on this website, and all I could think about was how much hotter your ass looked than the guy in the picture. All sweet and hairless and soooo tight. I wanna eat you out until you SCREAM! I've been aching for it all day."
I'm like, "Really....???"
"Oh GOD, yeah! I wanna mash my FACE in it, baby. I need it soooo bad. Can't you come over for just a little bit?"
God DAMN! Will power or not, I was so fucking HARD when he said that, that he almost got me to go! He wanted to lick me out??? Back THERE? Really??? I didn't even think average people really DID that stuff! I thought it was, like, a 'porn stars only' activity! I was shivering at this point, but trying to keep my common sense working for as long as humanly possible. "I'm...I'm sorry, AJ. I can't. I'll get in trouble." I told him, but he kept moaning this REALLY sexy moan into the phone, and then he gave me that cute little whimper again. It kinda made me smile. I was weak in the legs and had to slide off of my bed so I could sit on the floor. I looked over my shoulder to make sure that the door to my bedroom was completely closed so my Mom wouldn't hear, and I felt myself start to blush a little bit.
Then AJ's like, "Are you still there, Billy?"
And I giggled a bit, and this sensation ran through me as I bit my bottom lip to keep from smiling any more than I already was. "Umm...yeah." I grinned softly.
And he whimpered again, and said, "I love you soooo much, Billy. I can't stop thinking about you." And then he's like, "Do you think about me?"
And I shrugged a bit, and I was like, "Yeah...sometimes."
So he says, "Well...why don't you come over, then? And we can get naked..and I can lick you alllll over. It's like I can taste you right now. I'm gonna make it so good for you tonight, baby. I'm really horny. I wanna do 'everything' with you tonight."
"I..I can't..." I told him, my voice getting extremely weak. Almost squeaking from the pressure my rapidly beating, fully inflated, heart was putting against my windpipe from the inside. Then I heard him whine in this almost desperate plea for me to join him. "AJ...come on...don't..." I said, but he must have REALLY wanted me tonight. And even though my mind and body was telling me to stay put, my erection was already half way out the door and trying to hitch a ride to his house!
"Billy...you know want to. I need you, ok? I wanna feel you tangled up with me tonight. Please?"
And I'm like, "I can't."
And he's like, "Why not?"
And I'm like, "I just CAN'T, ok?"
"WHY NOT???" I could hear this growing....frustration in his voice, and it was just what I needed to remember what the many reasons were for me to not go over there anymore. No matter what he was promising, I knew it would just be me acting as an advanced form of him jacking off, while he used me to relieve some tension. "Billy, just come over. I'm gonna leave the back door open for you, and I'll be in my room. Just sneak in so my mom won't hear you, ok?"
I just flat out told him, "No, AJ. I'm not coming over."
And he's like, "Sigh...dammit, just come over. I'm gonna take a shower so I can be all sweet and lovely for you, baby."
And that's when I said, "I'm NOT your baby, and I'm not coming over. So forget it. Good night." And I hung up the phone. Yeah....I hung up the phone. And...I feel like I just jumped out of a plane after purposely cutting giant holes in my parachute.
There was this sinking feeling in my gut that didn't want to believe that I had thrown away the only boy I've ever had sex with. The only boy I might ever have sex with again. I was trembling inside, but it felt kinda good to get rid of him. Kinda scary too...but mostly good.
I did it. I told him no. And he didn't call back. I...I turned down sex. I turned down the chance to get eaten out by another gay teenage boy? A CUTE one too! Am I the stupidest kid on the whole fucking planet or what? I can't even IMAGINE what that would feel like! My God! I'm going to...go take care of those thoughts right now! Ohhhh....a tongue...in there....WOW! I'll write more later! I can't even sit still anymore! Later!