- Well...I think that I made a HUGE mistake, asking Sam to back off of the 'mystery girl' search! I think I actually made things WORSE, if that's even possible. We were at the Hill yesterday, playing around as usual, and I tried my best to simply dismiss him from the task of digging up more info by making it look like I didn't care. Well, it seems that he took that lack of interest to mean that I was getting depressed over not knowing who it was, and was giving up. Now he's SUPER determined, and he's going to be working TWICE as hard to find out! Ack! I just want him to STOP! I don't want a girlfriend! Please, please, PLEASE, don't make me get one! I want a BOY!!! Maybe I should send him looking for one of those instead. Just my luck, he'd come back with the gym teacher.
Anyway, aside from the frustration of digging myself deeper into the wrong hole (Hehehe, you know, I didn't even MEAN it that way! But it looks funny!) with the girl situation...something else happened yesterday that I wasn't really prepared for. I mean, it happened to come over me all of a sudden and it wouldn't leave. It was like 'stuck' there, like it had been there all the time. Sam and I were just sitting on top of the slide, talking and laughing and having a good time, and he paid me a complement or two to make me feel better about finding the girl who likes me. It was something like, "Dude, girls think you're extremely cute. You know they do. hey probably just don't know how to tell you yet." Then, all of a sudden, I looked over at him and saw this really beautiful stranger sitting in front of me. Seriously, it was like....love express or something! And it made me...well....'want' him, you know? Ugh! I know, I know...he's more like my brother than anything else, and I shouldn't be thinking stuff like that about my best bud. But...it was like this golden moment where he just became the cutest boy alive to me. His blond hair was just right, his big brown eyes were just right, his lips, and his smile, and his teeth, and his shoulders...I swear, it was like meeting some hot teen celebrity for the first time. I didn't know what to do with myself, so I just kinda got quiet for a few minutes. It sounds crazy, and God forbid if he were to ever READ this thing, but it's one hundred true. His cheeks, his slim fingers, his clothes, his body language, his chest, his legs, his sneakers...everything seemed to come together in JUST the right combination yesterday, for no reason at all. And I couldn't shake the feeling that I wanted to hold him.
My heart and mind agreed for once and said, "Yes Billy...this is the boy. This is the one you want, right here. And you already have everything in common, so why look anywhere else." I don't know, maybe it was just temporary insanity or something. I spent the rest of the afternoon just being completely taken aback by him, and wondering what it would be like to kiss him, just once. The scary thing is that Sam did NOTHING at all to encourage it. It just sort of happened. Weird.
But today...when I woke up this morning and saw him at school...it was gone. Vanished into thin air just as quickly as it appeared. Maybe it was just some wild hormonal infatuation that was only meant to last for a single afternoon. Existing in that deep dark place in our minds where 'one-night stands', 'adultery', and 'prison shower love', make total sense and don't become regrets until after the acts have already been committed. I'm going to chalk that up to a teenage horn-dog thing and assume that it won't be back.
Oh yeah, I heard that somebody flushed Jimmy LaPlane's history report in the boy's bathroom after lunch. Some people actually saw him walk out of the stall with the soaking wet homework in his hands. He actually tried to turn it in for 'credit' after drying it out on the radiator. Hehehe, I'll never understand why people pick on him so much. I guess he just became one of those 'targets' in high school from day one, you know? Once you're a target, it takes a full blown miracle to get away from the mark of it. I don't know if Jimmy is that much of a fighter. But who knows? Maybe he'll be a millionaire one day, and we'll all end up working for him. I'm sure that stranger things have happened.
As for the rest of the day, nothing spectacular happened. Nothing that I really noticed. My head was too mixed up in what happened with Sam, so I guess that everything else got pushed to the bottom of my special attention list. Hope I didn't miss anything important.
I've gotta run, but I'll definitely stop skipping days from now on. It makes me forgetful about stuff that I wanna remember. And I wanna remember everything.
- Well...it's on again. I talked to Simon, and asked him if he'd like to come over to my house, and he said he'd love to. So at least I know I have another shot. I don't wanna keep inviting him over and over again, because he'll get suspicious eventually. I've gotta really try something big this next time. I won't be able to keep making excuses for us to be alone for much longer. The timing seems right though this time, so I might get lucky afterall. I think he really wanted to come over too, I could see it in his eyes. This could be it. If I wear the right clothes, say the right things, make all the right moves...we'll be together. I get hard just thinking about him sometimes. And you know, I hate to say it, but I think that I might have ruined anything else for us except for being boyfriends at this point. In MY mind anyway. It sounds like such a shitty thing to say, but it's true. It's like I traded in a budding friendship for a chance at hot sex, and I can't help it. It's all I see when I look at him, it's all I think about when I'm talking to him. He's become this huge fantasy to me, which means that the rest of reality has to pretty much melt away for it to make any sense. I thought that maybe it would be easy to have it both ways. I guess not. The problem is, I don't know whether I'd miss the friendship at all if we became boyfriends. And yet, to try to be friends with him WITHOUT the promise of candy kisses and mindblowing sex seems...I dunno...a bit useless now.
Ouch! That sounds MUCH worse than I expected it to. What I mean is...I don't know if I could keep being 'just friends' with him after looking at him this way. I want to feel him close to me, I want to taste him and nuzzle my nose into the curve of his neck and lick him between his thighs and stuff. I don't want to hold back and stare at him from a distance anymore, wishing that I could be with him. It's not worth the agony. Besides, I'm rubbing myself 'raw' down there everyday afterschool. I've gotta stop jacking off while I still have some skin left!
Sigh...does this make me a bad person? Simon was always so cool with me. I remember when we used to just talk about comic books and games and stuff without there being any tension, or whatever. But now all I do is worry about when I can get him over to my house and 'do' him before he has the chance to say no. I wonder just how much something like this is going to change things between us in the end.
In contrast to that, however, there's Jamie Cross...who I only caught a few glimpses of today in passing. See, he's untouchable. Untouchable in every sense of the word as far as I'm concerned. He's SUPPOSED to be untouchable! But, that's almost MORE comforting than having him within my physical reach. I mean, I think about him all the time and dream of the two of us just holding hands...he's everything that I could ever want. And he's HOT! I'd love to be noble and say that his 'molten lava' hottie rating on the beauty charts wasn't a part of my obsession with him, but let's be honest here...being THAT damn lickable in every spot visible to the human eye (and many that aren't), doesn't hurt!
Still...deep down, I think that I realize that I'll never actually be able to GET him. That's a part of what allows me to love him so openly and freely and give myself over to the emotion so completely. I know I don't have the guts to talk to him, and I know he's not gay, and I know I'm not going to just walk up and grab his ass with a smile one day after Biology. So that makes it easy, risk free. Now that I look at it, that sounds SO backwards! To long for someone that you know you can't have, so you use that as fuel to long for him even more. Weird. Anyway, the point is, I WANT Jamie Cross to be my soul mate for life, but I equate that with meeting God in person. I mean, I want it, I dream of it, I hope that it happens someday...but if it were to ever really happen...I'd be so lost that I wouldn't know what to do with the opportunity. I imagine myself exploding right then and there, and that wouldn't make the best lasting impression, I'm sure.
In other news, I failed a math test earlier today. It wasn't all that hard, I mean, looking at it right now it seems pretty easy. I can see the mistakes I made on the equations and wondered exactly what the hell I was thinking. But you know what? I just...I wasn't in the mood to take a test today. Hehehe, yeah. THAT would have been a MARVELOUS excuse! "Sorry, but I really don't feel like it today, can't we do this tomorrow?" Still, I don't think they have any kind of real procedure for us when we're dealing with anything other than textbooks and chalkboards. In fact, it's at times like this that I wonder if there's anything even remotely human about their teaching methods at all. Somedays, I feel like an individual, like a human being with thoughts and feelings and...occassionally...mood swings. But other days? I feel like a piece of 'product'. You know, like those mass manufactured parcels sitting on a conveyor belt? Thirty kids at a time, shuffled to one part of the factory, where the English teacher stamps us with a marking, then they shuffle us to the next area where the math teacher adds some glue before shuffling us off to gym class where we see a spark as they weld on another piece. This goes on and on, from one set of kids to another, until they 'distribute' us out to the public at the end of the day. But there's no humanity in it. Sometimes I feel as though asking a question would somehow disrupt the flow of the conveyor belt entirely and cause a blockage in the well oiled machine. I'm just product, another hunk of junk that won't survive unless every teacher adds their specific piece to my structure. I guess this was one of those days, when I didn't see the need to stand out. It's a weird feeling. Anyway, I'm just being silly and moody and weird, so I'm going to stop this here before I get all spacey. Later.
Ps- No word from Sam yet on the girl! I'm keeping my fingers crossed until she finds someone else!
- For the first time, I got the nerve to go over and talk to Brandon in the library today. Which I almost NEVER do, because he doesn't ever look like he wants to be 'bothered', you know?
Anyway, now that I've actually spoken to him a bit, I don't know what the big deal was. I think I just had it in the back of my mind that he'd be quick to roll his eyes and tell me to get lost. But he didn't. There were still sometimes when he'd pull a complete Jekyll and Hyde on me though. He could be open and friendly in the morning, and then see me later on in the day and hardly say anything at all. I guess since I caught him in the middle of the day this time, he was still pretty balanced before the change had fully taken control of him. Anyway, he welcomed me over to sit with him and we talked for the rest of the period. I was just going to engage in some small talk and then be quiet so that he could finish whatever it was he was working on, but he closed the book and we just kept on talking until time to go. It was great. And it wasn't until he had to actually stand up from the table, that erotically curved butt rising up to be at eye level, that I remembered who I was talking to here. Hehehe, I had almost forgotten that I was supposed to be staring. Sigh...am I supposed to be attracted to this many people at once? I tried thinking of being with Jamie, Brandon, and Simon, all at the same time when 'pleasuring' myself...but my mind couldn't keep all of the cast members together. Hehehe, you know, if you put too many people in your jack off fantasies, they get all warped and you have to postion everybody, and work out logistics...it's just too much of a hassle. It stops being erotic when you really have to think about the mechanics.
Ever since that day at the Hill, I've been keeping a close eye on my best friend Sam. I keep looking at him as thought the infatuation was going to magically jump out at me again. Almost like trying to see those 3-D images at the mall, they just appear out of nowhere, and just when you have a handle on them, they fade away and you have to work to get them back. Like that. I was a bit confused as to whether or not I even wanted it back, to be honest. It was weird seeing him like that and feeling it so strongly. But, there was an eerie comfort in it too. It's too much of a mindbender to really get into, but I'm always wondering if it's going to clobber me over the head one day and I'll be forced to jump him. I wonder what kissing him would actually be like. Hmmm...
Anyway, I justdon't know if I can expect that feeling to stay gone or not. Only time will tell, I s'pose.
Melissa has been getting extremely 'touchy feely' ever since I let her run her fingers through my hair a few days ago. I don't think she ever believed that I'd let her touch me for that long, but once she got a taste, she didn't want to stop. She loves my hair most of all, but she also likes to wrap her arms around me because she says I'm 'soft in the sides'. I certainly HOPE that she meant that as a complement. She's become fascinated with the hair though, and I have to tell you, it's the best feeling in the world. I feel like a giant cat or something, the way that she pets me, and my whole scalp tingles after a few minutes of the contact. Also...and don't tell the 'gay' side of me that I said this...but I sometimes get a hard on. And I don't mean once or twice, I mean EVERY time! Hehehe, maybe there's a certain part of my anatomy that doesn't really care as much about male and female sexuality as the rest of me does. But it feels good, it makes her feel good, it makes 'Mr. Winky' feel good...so I don't see any reason to ruin the fun of two (and a half) happy people. I can be straight for a few mnutes a day.
Ok, I'm going to clean up my room a bit to get ready for Simon to come over tomorrow. Things are going to be better this time, I just know it. I'll just approach him with an idea of me licking him wherever he tells me to, and we can take it from there. I mean, I'm assuming that he's a virgin too, right? He's GOTTA want some action just as badly as I do! Maybe I should try running my fingers through HIS hair a couple times. If it does to him anything even remotely similar to what it does to me...he'll be hard as a rock in seconds. And all little gay boys know that it's easier to negotiate some experimentation where a full blown stiffy is involved. Sigh...I just hope that I can think of something this time. Because I want him, I really do. I'm tired of being alone. So tired.