- I think I'm literally about to CRY right now! And for all the right reasons, believe me! That pressure has been building up in the back of my throat, you know...like when you're really choked up over a movie or something, and it feels like I wanna just burst out and start sobbing! But I can't stop smiling long enough for the actual tears to come to my eyes! It's like that! Hehehe, is that weird or what?
Listen to this...Brandon came over to my house today. He sat down right here where I'm laying on my bed right now. And...sighhhh....it was just one of the best afternoons of my life. He just left about five minutes ago, but I had to write this in here now while I remember EVERY little detail. Every curve, and every touch, and every smile. I can even remember the exact smell of his breath. Because he bought some warm gummy bears on the way over here, and his breath was so sweet and candy-ish, you know? Anyway, so he saw me at lunch today in school, and he was being even more shy than usual. I know that I'm always going on and on about how cute he is, but when he gives his shoulders that little bashful shrug, and he kinda hides his eyes or his smile from me, that awesome light blush on his face...GOD, it drives me SOOOOO crazy! It's like falling in love a hundred times all at once! It's scary, because I'm always thinking that he MUST know what's up. I mean, sometimes, the feelings I have for him these days are so damn strong that I CAN'T be hiding them all that well from him. I'm sure my face, and my cracking voice, and my eyes, and my...'everything', just gives it away. I feel so awkward that I can barely stand when I'm around him, and I seriously HATE myself for fidgeting so much, but I can't really control it. I try to consciously stop myself from wiggling around like a fish on land, but the second I take my mind off of that effort, my hands come to life again and I start flopping around all clumsy and crazy again. I'm a total malfunction when it comes to that boy.
Anyway, at lunch, Brandon tells me that he's glad we're going to get to hang out today. And then, he's like, "So....is your mom gonna be home?"
And I told him, "Nah, not until a bit later. How come?"
But he doesn't really tell me. Naturally, this gets my senses all blazing again, and I get nervous and excited. But this time, I'm thinking that I'm going to totally JUMP on the moment if he does ANYTHING even remotely gay today! The last couple of times, he caught me by surprise, and the opportunity vanished before I had a chance to take advantage of it. But not today. I really REALLY wanted to be his boyfriend! GOD, DO I WANT TO BE HIS BOYFRIEND!!! So I'm waiting, ready and alert, listening to every word that he says to me so that I can pick out any hidden signals or anything. But he just kinda teases me a little bit here and there. Never once just coming out and giving me some sort of homoerotic clue or anything. Even when I bring up his sexy legs and try to get him to joke about it...he just blushed even harder. I guess he was too shy to indulge me at lunch time. But I wasn't going to give up. Not today.
Oh, that kinda reminds me...I know for a fact that Bobby Jinette showed up at school today. I saw him just this morning between first and second period in the hallway. But when it came to gym class, he wasn't there. He just ditched it. Which, to my knowledge, he's never done before. Not for any class, but certainly not gym. Nobody in the locker room really said anything about it, but I noticed that he was gone. I guess Kyle's teasing and threats had scared him off or something. I don't know why, but I kept looking for him to suddenly pop in to gym class late or something. He never did. I can't say why that bothers me so much. We're barely acquaintances, if that. Still...I don't know what I would have done if I had gotten caught and nearly outed like that. So I guess a part of me is running away with him.
Anyway...back to my pretty boy....
So Brandon and I stop by the mini mart on the way home to pick up some snacks and a couple of Gatorades. I was going to get some chips or something, but then I thought, "Shit...what if Brandon wants to kiss me or something? I don't want my mouth tasting like chewed up Doritos and ass!" Not to mention that I didn't want little chunks and crumbs to get stuck in my teeth or anything. That would totally kill the mood! So when I saw him pick up some gummy bears, I thought, "Perfect! Junky, sweet, and no crumbs!" Of course, I wasn't sure that Brandon WAS gonna kiss me today, but I had to be prepared just in case. You never get more than one chance at a first kiss with someone, you know? And I was gonna be nervous enough as it was. So, yeah...gummy bears.
We got to my house, and the first thing I did was double check to make sure that my mom was definitely out of the house. I remember one time when she came home early, and I was in such a hurry to get home and jack off that I practically started stripping off my clothes the second that I walked in the back door. I can only imagine what I looked like when my mom came walking around the corner and saw me standing in the hall half naked with a boner pushing my boxers out into an almost perfect triangle. Yes...very 'hard' to explain, indeed.
So, the house is empty, and Brandon sits on my bed, and his eyes are just..they're so gorgeous when they look at you. So I have to sit down because I'm getting hard just looking at him, and getting that wiggly feeling in the middle of my stomach. And then we just...spent some time together, you know? We talked, we played a few games, he looked through some of my old gamers magazines...it got to be so comfortable that I kinda forgot that I was on a mission here. So I tried to focus again, and I took a chance. I said, "I'm, like, glad that you came over here today, Brandon. I really like you too." I'm basically setting the trap for him to fall into. Hoping that he'll take the bait, and then we'll start making out and rolling around on my bed while I'm gripping that fine round ass of his And then...we're just 90 seconds away from getting naked! I felt like I was totally ready for it!
I was NOT ready for it!
Brandon smiled at me in the sexiest way, and he's like, "I'm glad too. I've been wanting to come over for a few days now, actually. Because...you know...we've been friends for a while now. And I just...I wanted to talk to you about a few things."
You know...in my mind...I imagined that this would be the happiest moment of my life. And that these would be the most magical words that Brandon could ever tell me. But...as much as I wanted it, wished for it, PRAYED for it...when he began to talk to me like that, I fucking FROZE!!! I mean...it was like, this incredible moment in my life...and I suddenly felt COMPLETELY unprepared for it! I have been bitching and moaning about this for God knows HOW long, and now that things were actually in motion, it turned out to be the most terrifying event in human history! He had something to tell me??? 'Something'??? Something like WHAT??? Oh God! Oh GOD!!! Brandon's beautiful eyes were looking right at me, and they were kinda sparkly and shiny, and his lips were all moist and pink, and his voice was just a little raspy and soft...it was like he reached this level of sexual potency that smothered the very breath out of me all at once. And I just started to panic uncontrollably! I couldn't move my body an inch, but everything inside of me was going haywire. I just...I never thought...holy shit..I'm TOTALLY not ready for this!
I was seriously trembling, and I couldn't look at him, I couldn't breathe, my palms got sweaty...everything just got thrown into complete and total chaos. I couldn't even SPEAK! I was just hoping that Brandon would be able to do this all on his own, because I was helpless to help him through it. My mouth was partially open, and I'm like, "Uh huh..." Nodding my head a bit to let him know that I was listening.
So he says, "I just...I feel like I can tell you things. I feel so close to you, Billy. And I kinda like that, because you're...like...'important' to me. You know what I mean?"
And I'm like, "Uh huh...." It seemed like Brandon was not exactly sure what he was saying, or how he wanted to say it. But the longer it took him to figure it out, the better. Because I had no idea what I was gonna say if he told me...'gulp'...that he loved me. Omigod...I wish I had practiced this or something!!! I'd postpone this conversation until next week if I wasn't so scared that I'd never get Brandon to talk to me like this ever again.
So...Brandon says, "I just wanna be close to you. I mean, I want you to think of me. Like...when I'm not...around..or whatever."
"Uh huh..." I said again. "I mean...I DO! I do think about you...sometimes."
"You do? Well...cool. Because...sometimes I wonder about that. You know? Like, when we talk on the phone and stuff."
I'm literally about to suffocate at this moment, because my heart is beating so hard that it's almost taking all of the remaining breath that I have left. And I was so deep in love with him at that moment, I felt like I would literally DIE from it! "Me too. I....I think about you a lot. I always did." I said. And just when I think I'm going to get more, Brandon gets nervous, and he kinda...'jumps ship' on me!
It's like, he slid down to the floor off of my bed, and picked up one of my video game controllers and turned the TV on. It was like having my bungee cord cut in mid fall! He says, "Cool. I just wanted you to know, so..." And he pauses, and keeps his head turned away from me, and changes the subject! "...You wanna play another round or two? I've gotta go pretty soon." WHAT THE HELL DO I DO??? I mean, I wasn't ready for him to tell me...but I wasn't ready for him NOT to tell me after coming that far!
Like a DUMBASS, I heard myself say, "Sure. I'll play." What the fuck did I say THAT for??? I don't wanna play a fucking video game!!! I wanna make out with the prettiest boy in school, and grab his juicy ass while we let the taste of gummy bears linger in our mouths!!! Arrrrghhh!!! Somehow, he just got more and more bashful, until he had pushed that beautiful moment completely out of the way, and then he let his smile come back little by little. And we were...um...back to 'normal' again. But my heart was exhausted from working so hard the last few minutes, so I could still hardly catch my breath.
Anyway, he just left before I started writing this, and my mom will be home soon. So...my question is, did I, like, get anywhere today, or not? I don't know what that proves or doesn't prove, but today...Brandon basically showed....INTEREST!!! And this isn't some weird misinterpreted signal brought on by a bad case of wishful thinking. This was REAL! And something about that makes me feel so good inside that I can hardly contain it right now! It's like my emotions are bubbling over and I'm gonna blast off like a ROCKET any second!!! That's why I want to cry right now! I wanna cry, I wanna laugh, I wanna jump up and down on the bed and scream my head off until I burn up all of this infinite energy that I've got inside! And yet, I'm so numb from the utter joy of it that I can't bare to do anything but giggle to myself like a ticklish toddler.
I've really gotta get rid of this feeling before my mom gets home. Otherwise, she's gonna have me committed.
Oooh! Just thinking of what Brandon SAID to me....it gives me the tingles! I've gotta go...do....something! I don't know what that 'something' is just yet...but I can't sit still right now. I think I'm going out for a walk or something. Yeah...that's it. I'm going out for a walk. Later.