- Ok...ok...I just got done 'touching myself' again, but I PROMISE, that's the last time I'll do it tonight! I swear! I think I'm at number five right now. Or is it six? Um...lemme see...I did it once in bed this morning, and once before I went out with Jimmy, and then once when I came home...that's three. Then once during that commercial break on MTV, but that was just a 'quickie'. Hmmm...I guess that counts. Oh, and twice in a row sometime before dinner. And then just now. Whoah...wait...that's SEVEN! Ok, I'll stop! I'm turning into a total PERVERT here! No more chronic masturbation habits! They'll have to put me in a 'strait jacket' if I keep this up!
So...can you tell that my little experience with Brandon yesterday has left me a bit...excited lately? Geez, I know that it sounds silly and gay, but...I STILL feel like I wanna cry! Every time Brandon crosses my mind, my whole body gets overwhelmed with this rush of adrenaline that practically makes me so weak in the knees that I have to lean against a wall just to keep from falling over. I have literally been smiling for hours on end, and my cheeks hurt from it. I didn't even know I HAD this many muscles in my face until this happened. I don't know what to do right now. But if this all powerful feeling is just a 'hint' of what true love is gonna feel like...I don't think my body is going to be able to handle it. Right now I feel like I'm shaking myself to pieces. It's like...it's hard to breathe, and yet Brandon's love allows me to live without air All I need to do is adjust my body to the new sensation. You know? God..this is soooo blissfully confusing. How could ANYBODY live without this feeling???
I wanted to call him. I thought about it almost every minute of the day. I kept thinking that I'd look like a total dork if I called him on the phone after he just spent the afternoon at my house yesterday. I didn't want to 'cling' to him or scare him off. But the feeling was WAY too strong to hide this time, and I ended up calling him on the phone anyway. The conversation didn't last long. I kept squirming around on the floor, just feeling this constant electric current running through me with every tingle of his cute voice. And when he giggled...God, his giggle is sexy...I just wiggled my way down to roll back and forth on the floor helplessly. Just trying to keep myself still long enough to keep my heart from beating so loud. I was afraid he'd be able to hear it over the phone!
Oh wait...I forgot, I jacked off REALLY hard after I hung up the phone with Brandon. So I guess that makes eight, huh? Sighhh...I'm a total 'palm junkie', aren't I? I know it. I've gotta be.
Anyway, I tried not to be awkward, but as he was talking, I stuck my tongue out, and licked the receiver of the phone. What THAT was supposed to do, I have no idea! But I did it anyway. And it turned me on even more. Ohhh why did he have to be so cute? How in the hell am I going to react in school on Monday when he walks over to say hello and I turn into a big ol' quivering mound of queer jello right in front of him? Huh? I've really gotta learn to get a hold on this.
Anyway, my big lovey dovey crush on Brandon aside, something else major happened today. Evidently, Jimmy and Lee have been talking more and more online since I first got them together last week, right? Well, this MORNING, Lee sees that Jimmy is online early, and decided to strike up a short conversation. As it turns out, Lee is going to the mall today, but since Joanna and Sam weren't going, and Ted wasn't going, he asked Jimmy if he wanted to go with him. I mean, the two of them have crossed paths before, and there were occasions where they were in the same place at the same time, but they had never really 'met' before. In fact, I doubt Lee would have been able to pick Jimmy out of a police line-up if he tried. But Lee was all like, "I hate to go to the mall all by myself, but they've got this 'Special Edition' DVD coming out today that I just HAVE to have! So why don't you come with me?"
Naturally, having Lee ask Jimmy this question was like Armageddon on his emotions. So Jimmy actually calls ME....of all people...and BEGS me to come with them! I mean, he was almost in 'tears' from the sound of it, you know? I literally had to calm him down a bit just to understand what the fuck he was talking about. Jimmy said, "I don't know, Billy! What if he can tell right away that I'm gay! Oh God, what if he finds out how much I LIKE him???"
And I tell him, "Dude, just relax! Go! Lee is a really cool guy to hang out with. You'll have fun." But Jimmy was too scared to go by himself. Especially since it would just be the two of them.
The only reason I agreed to go was because Jimmy sounded so sad. He said, "I don't want anybody from our school to see us together, and automatically assume that he's....you know...gay like me. That wouldn't be fair to Lee. God, what if they said something and it humiliated him or something?" I pointed out that he hung out with me all the time, people knew Jimmy was gay, and that turned out ok. Nobody assumed that I was gay....um....at least, I don't think hey did. But he reminded me, "That was when we were alone, Billy, or when my other 'girl' friends were around This is different. I'll look like....his boyfriend or something." I didn't say anything at first, but from the way Jimmy almost mumbled that last part, I could tell that such an amazing fantasy would completely send him into orbit if only it could be true. Hehehe, so...whatever. I told him I'd go.
Lee didn't mind me being there. Then again, why would he? It wasn't a big secret or anything. Not where HE was concerned anyway. If anything, he was happy to see me, and the two of us ate in the food court while waiting for Jimmy to show up. And when he DID...the look on his face was just priceless. I think Lee was a LOT hotter in person than Jimmy remembered, and a webcam pic doesn't really do him much justice at all. When Lee got up and gave Jimmy an affectionate hug and a smile, I watched as Jimmy nearly floated right out of his shoes. Awww, puppy love at its best.
Anyway, we walked around the mall for a while, and Jimmy remained pretty quiet, but Lee always made it a point to keep everybody around him 'involved in the moment'. So whenever Jimmy retreated into some comfortable cocoon away from our conversation, Lee would do something cute and bubbly to bring him right back out of it. I think Jimmy liked the effort he put in I also think he was surprised that someone as cool as Lee would work so hard to pay him so much attention. If he wasn't head over heels in love with Lee before, I'm sure he was by the time we left that mall today. And to be honest...that kinda worries me.
Gay guy crushes on straight guys? NEVER a pretty picture. Never a happy ending, either. And I don't think Jimmy needs that right now. Not after all he's been through.
Not that Lee isn't a TOTAL hottie in every possible way! I'd go after him myself if I thought I had a chance! Hehehe! But...I'm beginning to wonder if I should, like....'tell him', or something. You know...that Jimmy is gay. Just so he can maybe...turn that irresistible charm thing down a little bit around him. A gay teenager falling in love with Lee is about as inevitable as the sun rise for anyone that actually spends any amount of time with him. So maybe he'd be aware enough to keep a certain distance from Jimmy's heart, you know? Then again...I really don't want to interfere and accidentally screw anything up for them either. I mean, maybe it's just none of my business. Lee will figure things out soon enough, and I'm sure he'll be ok about letting him down easy. I just...sighhh...I don't want Jimmy to get hurt again.
Alright, I think I'm gonna end this here. I hope I can get to sleep without jacking off again. Which will be pretty hard to do with Brandon swimming around in my bloodstream every ten seconds. Wish me luck!
- Yeah...ok...I jacked off again last night before sleep. So what? But ONLY two more times!!! (and once this morning) But that's IT! I'm done now! Cross my heart and hope to die. I'm gonna ween myself off of this bad habit if it kills me.
Anyway, I don't have much to say today, except that being 'haunted' by your past is just as inescapable as they say it is. I rode my bike out to Melissa's house today, because she desperately needed my copy of "Lord Of The Flies" so she could finish reading the next chapter for school tomorrow. She left hers at school, and there's no way to get it back on the weekend. That building is like Fort Knox once the kids leave. Anyway, she wanted me to stay for a bit (For WHAT, you know?), but I told her I had to get back. So I was gone from home all of twenty five minutes, if even THAT long. And when I opened the door, Sam was standing in my kitchen!
Listen, I know what I wrote in this book about the last few times that Sam and I ran into one another...and yeah, a part of me really DOES miss him...but I don't remember giving him permission to just 'come over' and stand in the middle of my kitchen whenever he feels like it. I mean, my nostalgic connection to my 'former' best friend doesn't change the fact that he stole my fucking girlfriend, did 'God knows what' with her, and kept it a secret from me for WEEKS before having the guts to tell me that they were working together to break my heart forever!
My mom was actually feeding him freshly baked cookies right out of the oven, and he smiled at me. He's all like, "Hey, Billy. You've gotta have some of these cookies, they're awesome!" WHAT??? Is he fucking crazy? Just seeing him there was like an old photograph or something of a life that I didn't live anymore. I seriously wanted to grab him by the collar and shake some sense into him.
I don't think my mom was ever really aware of the fact that we weren't speaking anymore. She loved Sam. Adored him, even. So having him drop by and eat cookies while waiting for me to come home was a pretty normal routine for her. But I had to fight just to keep from slugging him in the stomach at that point. I gritted my teeth, and said, "Can I talk to you outside for a second?" And he followed me out to the back yard. I'm like, "What the fuck do you think you're doing???"
And he's like, "What? What did I do?"
And I tell him, "Don't play games with me! Do you really think that I'm just gonna fucking forget what you did to hurt me? EVER??? Did you honestly think that it would all just be 'ok' someday if you waited it out long enough?" I couldn't believe him.
Sam says, "I thought that maybe we could talk, is all. After the other day in the hall, I thought maybe we could sit down and work a few things out."
So I ask him, flat out, "Are you still with Joanna?" He didn't answer me at first, and I asked again, "Are you two still kissing and making out behind my back?" He didn't answer that time either, but his eyes kinda dropped a bit. I took that as a yes. "Then get out of my house. And don't come back. I don't want you here. There's nothing to work out. You selfishly took advantage of me, and you broke my fucking heart, and I really don't see a need to ever trust you with anything ever again. So go on...get out!" He pouted a bit, almost looking at me angrily, and I shouted, "GET OUT!!!" So he left. The NERVE of some people!
I go back in the house, and my mom wants to know why I kicked Sam out of the house, and I didn't want to explain it to her, but she got the basic idea that we weren't on speaking terms at the moment. She gave me the typical 'sometimes friends have disagreements' speech, and tried to assure me that everything would be ok eventually. I could have wasted time telling her that this wasn't going to be patched up anytime soon. But that was just going to make her work harder to convince me otherwise. The way she's been fighting on and off with Dad, she should understand that better than anybody.
That was about it. I thought about calling Brandon again today, but three days in a row was definitely going to be too much! That was pushing it. So I didn't. I also tried to send a few messages to Jimmy online, but he seemed distracted. He was chatting with Lee at the time. You know, it's weird, but I think I actually felt a pinch of jealousy. It's true. And I couldn't tell if I was jealous of Jimmy for getting so much of Lee's attention, or jealous of Lee for suddenly becoming the brightest star shining in Jimmy's eyes. But...you know...whatever. That's just some weird emotional thing, I guess.
Okie doke...school tomorrow. I suppose I should force myself to get some sleep. I'll write more soon. Later.