- Arrgghh! My dad just called the house, and he talked to my mom for like an hour. It sounded like a very 'restrained' conversation. You know what I mean? One of those talks that they try to keep quiet for 'my' sake. I was in the living room, my mom was in the kitchen, and she kept lowering her voice and sometimes even whispering while walking back around the corner where I couldn't hear what she was saying. And I HATE that! What the hell could be so private that he can talk to her about it and not me? Whatever. I just hope this stupid 'game' is almost over with. We're basically turning into a 'sitcom family' at this point. I'm beginning to forget what it was even like, seeing him everyday.
Anyway, he finally decided that I was worth talking to, and my mom handed me the phone. It seems that he wants me to come over and go out to lunch with him on Saturday. Which is pretty much going to spoil my weekend entirely. I didn't have any real plans for Saturday, but I'm pretty sure that they didn't involve going to some random steakhouse and putting on my best table manners for my dad. Besides, spending time with him always makes my mom act all 'weird' for like a day and a half. It's like I betrayed her by fraternizing with the 'enemy'. And she tries to hide the fact that she's weird about it, which only makes it all the more obvious. And I'm stuck in this stupid limbo between parents where I'd rather just shut them BOTH out and spend some time alone.
Ah well...whatever. Despite the interruption in my cherished Saturday afternoon...today was a total 10. I just....I'm feeling SO strange about this Brandon situation, but it just keeps getting better and better by the minute. I saw him at lunch today, and just like I said before, I totally melted. One hundred percent, grade A, queer jello! But it was ok, because I guess he was in one of his really shy moods or something. Which, when I do it...is quirky and dumb. But when HE does it, it's totally adorable! Anyway, we were sitting at the table in the cafeteria, and at first it was a little awkward. I have to admit, since what happened on Friday after school...I wasn't exactly sure where everything 'fit' for us now. I felt like...like...we had suddenly outgrown whatever it was that we had before as friends. Something had elevated beyond small talk and video games. I couldn't tell what it was, but I definitely felt it, and I think he did too. Because he seemed just as nervous to speak as I was.
It took half of our lunch period to really warm up to each other enough to really talk about anything important. And even then it was all about school and tests and TV shows. But I really wanted more from him today. I was shaking and timid, sure. I was completely in his hands, and that vulnerability scared me. But if I didn't at least try to approach that level of sweetness that we shared on Friday...it would be like saying it never happened. I didn't want that. It DID happen. He LIKED me. He said so. And I LIKE that he likes me! I want him to like me. I want him to like me more than anything in the world.
So I kept looking over his shoulder at the clock, hoping to work up the courage to say something before our lunch time was over. Dammit, just ONCE I wish Brandon could make this easier on me! Anyway, with just five minutes left to go...I looked him in the eyes, and smiled a bit. I mean...I just kinda stared. I meant to say something, but that...that beauty just struck me like a bolt of lightning and I was speechless for the first few seconds or so. When he saw me looking, he smiled back, and then looked down at his tray. And I saw him blush. Like a really cute blush. And he giggled to himself and looked up at me again. Awww, it was so cute. It's times like this that I wish I could just stand up, lean over this table and kiss him on the lips until we were both breathless. It almost hurt for me to have to hold that physical contact back from him.
I couldn't believe that I had actually gotten the guts to say it, but I told him, "I thought about you yesterday." And I think I blushed, because he smiled when he saw it.
And he said, "Really? I thought about you too."
I could hear my pulse in my ears, I was soooo nervous. But after he just left it there for a few seconds, I said, "I just didn't wanna call, because I didn't want to seem like I was being...well...I didn't wanna freak you out. You know?"
And he gave me that cute little shrug, and said, "You wouldn't freak me out, Billy. I like it when you call me." By now we were both breathing kinda hard, and Brandon kept looking around. Like...to see if anybody else was listening, you know? I could feel this pressure in my chest, and it wouldn't go away. It was like trying to hold one of those floatation devices underwater with your hands. It keeps trying to float back to the surface, but as long as you keep pushing it down, it stays submerged. This conversation felt the exact same way. So afraid that it would suddenly pop back up to 'normality' if I didn't keep pushing it deeper. Feeling that pressure on my arms. Working to keep it steady as it tried to slip out of my grasp one way or the other. "Billy...?" He asked, and I preparing myself for whatever was next. I was trying soooo hard. Just hold it down, Billy. Hold it down. Don't be afraid. Then he says, "I feel...um...I mean..." He stalled and he stumbled, and I held my breath the whole time. And the bell rang. Our lunch period was over. And he's like, "...I've gotta go, ok?"
And I'm like, "Don't go."
But he's like, "I'm sorry. I'll...we'll talk some more later."
And I stood up and was fidgeting and breathing hard, and my heart was pounding so hard that you could see my shirt quaking with every pulse. And in some kind of desperate last minute attempt to keep his attention, I said, "Do you wanna hang out today after school? Can you come over? I wanna..I wanna talk to you, ok?"
And he gave me some look that I couldn't really explain if I tried. But he shook his head and said, "I've got to finish my English paper by Wednesday, and I haven't even started it yet."
So I said, "How about Wednesday then? Please?" And he caved in and said MAYBE! Of course, that's not a 'yes', but it's not a 'no' either. So...I don't know if that actually counts as progress or not. I hope it does. Because I honestly have never felt like this towards anybody before, and I have NO idea what the hell I'm doing here! I mean, there were so many things that I loved about Sam, but we were so close as friends that it was easy to cover it up. And with Simon, it was just this strong attraction that made me want him all the time. AJ was just this available piece of 'candy' that was offered to a starving man, and I jumped on the opportunity. And Jamie Cross...well...I still think I'm going to be hopelessly in love with that boy until the day they bury me in the dirt. But I'm surprised that I haven't mentioned him in such a long time. Funny how the biggest crush in your life can suddenly just 'fade away' when you're focused on other things. Weird. Anyway, Brandon is something so new to me. I hope I'm doing this right. I don't really have a manual for this sort of thing. I'm going to go eat dinner. I'm sure my mom is going to 'question' me about what my dad and I are going to do this weekend. So I'll just try to get through it and just talk about something else. Lunch with Dad is hardly a cloak and dagger operation. Not that it'll stop her from treating it like one.
Wish me luck! See ya later!
- Just as Sam was beginning to seem 'human' in my eyes again, just as I was starting to actually miss the son of a bitch, he turns right around and becomes evil incarnate again. What's his PROBLEM anyway? You know what he did to me today, he kissed Joanna right in front of me! RIGHT IN FRONT OF ME!!! I was in the cafeteria, and Brandon couldn't make it to lunch today because he was finishing an art project for Mrs. Dempsey. So I was sitting there, all by myself, and Sam walks in, holding hands with her and sitting at my old table. It was disgusting. Everybody already knows that they're dating. So what? Who even cares anymore? He even looked up once or twice, so I know he saw me sitting there. I should have just left, but I didn't. And then...just as I glanced over at them again...he kissed her right on the lips! I almost wanted to stomp over there and dump my tray of food all over both of them! Who fucking CARES???? I don't care! It doesn't even hurt anymore. Not in the least. So fuck you both. I'm just glad that I found out what kind of people they really were before I depended on them for something important.
It just bugs me, you know? It's like he's showing off just because he can How would he like it if somebody else came along and did that to HIM? Huh? What then? Would he be all heartbroken and hurt about it? Who would he go crying to then? Because he's certainly not welcome at MY house. I know it's a pretty awful thing to wish a bad day on anybody, but I seriously hope that relationship falls the fuck apart. I hope the whole damn affair comes crashing down and burning around the both of them. It would be nice to know that they got a taste of the suffering that I had to go through when they cheated on me. Whatever. Why am I even writing about this anyway? I'm done with those two.
I see that AJ tried calling me again tonight, but I didn't answer. I didn't need the temptation, to be honest. Just seeing his number on my caller ID is enough to get me hard as a rock. Because I know that I can go over there and have sex with him anytime that I want to. I know that I can get totally naked with a super hot blond teenage boy, and have him do things to me that will make my body shiver for hours afterwards. I know it. All I'd have to do is pick up that phone....and let him use me again Or...maybe I could just 'use' him. But...as hot as he is, as passionate and mind-blowing as the sex was, it wasn't really all that appealing to me anymore. Does that make me crazy, or what? That feeling...that really COOL feeling inside....it just...it doesn't last! When you're just with somebody for the sex...you quickly realize just how 'short' sex is. It's like ten minutes at the most. Then you rest, and you do it again. Then you rest, and you do it again. And it always feels good, but it never changes. There's nowhere left for that emotion to go. It just repeats itself over and over again. And it gets easy. It gets....boring.
But not with Brandon. He confuses me, and frustrates me, and sometimes he drives me NUTS because he won't fucking tell me what he wants!!! And yet, just being totally lost when it comes to predicting what he'll do next..it's like the most comforting feeling in the world. Just feeling those tiny little building blocks coming together and creating a larger picture a little more each day...it's like...magic. Yeah...it's crazy, and it's hurtful, and some days it's like I wanna give it all up and try for someone a bit more in my league...but I wouldn't trade my love for Brandon for anything in the world. I swear, I wouldn't be able to breathe anymore without it. And that makes it even scarier than it already is.
I also got an email from Jimmy tonight, but I was kinda expecting Brandon to call me. So I didn't want to get involved with anything else, you know? But Brandon never called, and Jimmy was probably going to tell me the obvious. He's falling in love with Lee. I can tell. There's no stopping it now. And Lee isn't even aware of it. I mean, everybody loves Lee, so he's used to the stares and the giggles and the attention. To the point where he's become desensitized to it. I don't think he knows how crazy Jimmy is about him. Hell, he doesn't even know that Jimmy is gay! If he had any idea how much time Jimmy and I spent slobbering over him and his tight body and his cute little grin...he'd probably run top speed in the other direction just to get away from us. I guess the thing that worries me most is Jimmy getting his feelings hurt. He can be really delicate about certain things, and he's only been out of the hospital for, like, two months. What if he tries to hurt himself again when Lee tells him he's straight? What if...what if he's not lucky enough to come through it this time?
I wish there was some way that I could slow down this runaway crush of his and just get him to think straight. I'm sure he'd tell me that he wasn't in love if I asked him. But he is. And the longer he tries to hide it, the worse it's gonna get. I've gotta think of a way to help him out of this.
Anyway, Brandon's coming over tomorrow. So I've gotta clean up my room a little bit. I can't wait. I think he's gonna tell me he loves me! I do! And if he doesn't, I'm gonna break his fingers until he at least lets me suck him off! Hehehe!