- He DITCHED me!!! I can't believe that Brandon totally fucking stood me up today! I kept asking him all day through school if he was still coming over today, I mentioned it every chance that I GOT! And he basically tried to avoid the topic as much as possible, but even when I forced him to answer me, he like....nodded. Nodding your head means 'yes'! Am I right? Or am I wrong, here? Sighhhh...God...NOBODY ELSE IN THE WORLD CAN MAKE MY BLOOD BOIL LIKE BRANDON CAN!!!
And you wanna know what the worst part is? I didn't even know how to 'feel' about it. Every time I could feel myself getting mad, I instantly forgave him. Every time I felt hurt, I thought about his smile and it made me feel better again. I just...I don't know what the fuck to expect with him! And every time I try to figure it out, something completely obliterates my only chance to understand it. No matter what he does to tick me off...it's like he can do no wrong. Is it possible to love somebody too much? I mean, the boy could set my damn HOUSE on fire, and all I could do is stare dreamily at his pretty eyes and tell him how sexy they looked with the flames of my garage reflected in them. That isn't sane. Not by a long shot. I don't think he could do anything at all to make me angry at him. 'Frustrated' maybe...but never angry. Shit...he's even cute when he's pissing me off! I need professional help.
I spent most of the night wondering if I should call him to ask him what the hell happened, or if I should wait for him to call me first to apologize. It kept me pacing until it was too late for me to call his house and demand an answer. I didn't do anything wrong, did I? Why won't he tell me? Why won't he talk to me? Aw shit..there goes that feeling again. It's like...being scared, you know? But it hurts. Right there in the center of your chest. You can feel it every time you breathe. As though the inflation of your lungs was constantly brushing past that sensation and aggravating it even more. It just feels so 'empty' sometimes. And all I want is...is...I want Brandon to feel this emptiness too, so we can fill it up together. You know? It feels so backwards, just trying to write this feeling down. It seems pointless to even try to define it. But if I don't at least try to find a suitable description, I'm afraid this void in the pit of my stomach is going to eat me alive.
I've been watching Brandon from afar since the beginning of the school year, and I've always thought that he was beautiful. But I never once expected that his very existence would torture me this way.
Anyway, I suppose any developments in that area are going to have to wait yet another day. Nothing I can do about it now.
In gym class, Bobby Jinette was being teased a little bit more than usual It was just a few guys, Kyle and two of his friends. I don't get what it is about some people who just can't let something like that go. But it's impossible to stop it now. As long as Kyle gets a bit of attention from everybody else by pushing Bobby around, he's gonna keep that parade going for as long as he possibly can. We were playing baseball today, and Kyle kept wiggling his butt directly at Bobby and calling him names, and all Bobby wanted was to be left alone, you know? He wasn't hurting anybody. He was just trying to ignore him. Well, at one point, Kyle purposely kicked dirt on him and laughed. Then his friends laughed. And humiliation is like a death sentence in high school. It's like the shame of it lasts forever. So Bobby got mad and cursed at him, and Kyle walked up to him to push him back against the fence. As soon as Bobby pushed him back and tried to walk away, Kyle tripped him and sent him falling down to the ground. Then he kicked all kinds of dirt all over him and called him "Queer". It was hard to watch. Nobody stood up for him. Not even me. Why didn't I stand up for him?
Things are getting worse here. The teasing and laughter was already starting to get bad, but now things were getting violent. It was like Kyle and his goons had to up the ante just to make sure he knew that he was 'beneath' the rest of us. I can't stand to see Bobby get hurt anymore. If they mess with him again, I'm gonna help him. This is just getting ridiculous now. He can't help being GAY for crying out loud! Hell, they don't even KNOW if he's gay or not! Kyle's a complete jerk! He should be HAPPY that anybody would wanna stare at his ugly ass anyway! He's not even cute enough to warrant a crush, so who cares?
What else? Oh...I saw Simon in the halls today. Didn't say much, but he smiled at me though. I'm not sure that I know what that means. Maybe he's not mad at me any more. It seems like it was so long ago that he came over to my house and I made that....'mistake'. It's like I can still feel his sweet little body squirming and wiggling underneath me. I'm kinda glad that nothing happened though, now that I look back at it. It would have been freaky and weird. But Simon is still majorly cute when he wants to be though. Especially when he smiles.
I've gotta go. This feeling is making me kinda crazy. Why didn't you come over today, Brandon? You can make this never-ending pain stop if you would just TELL me how you feel. Oh, please don't break my heart, dude. I don't think I could take that. I'm outta here. More to come later.
-Billy (Missing Brandon. Loving Brandon. Missing loving Brandon.)
- I was hoping to get a better answer than "I'm sorry..." from Brandon today. Something like, "I was kidnapped by alien terrorists and anally probed on planet 'Boner' for the evening." (Which is actually kinda sexy when I think about it) But nooooo...all I get is a lousy, "I'm sorry." Which I think hurt more than anything else. I mean...I thought he wanted to spend the afternoon with me. I thought I was doing everything right this time. I know that I usually run, top speed, from the idea of being this close to a cute boy for longer than a few awkward seconds. A month ago, the idea of having someone so...so 'pretty' thinking about me would have terrified me. It's like, how can I possibly live up to the expectations of someone who could have their pick of anybody they choose, you know? I'd be this total disappointment to him, and when he dumped my sorry ass, I'd know it was because I deserved it. But THIS time..THIS time, I'm actually making a go for his heart. I mean, I'm giving him every opportunity, right? Isn't that how it's supposed to go? I say 'come over', he says 'great'. I say 'I think about you', he says 'I think about you too'. And then he's supposed to confess his true feelings of love. I say the same. He asks if he can kiss me, and I let him, and from there it's all hot sex and wedding cake! Right??? So...sigh...what am I doing wrong?
I should have twisted the truth out of him to see why he didn't come over Why he stood me up. Why he didn't even call to apologize last night. But he seemed...genuinely sorry. I mean, you should have seen the look in his eyes. It was really just...grrr...it was CUTE, ok? His voice got this adorable little whine in it, and his eyebrows kinda wrinkled up, and his big hazel eyes just made me...melt inside. So...I guess I kinda let him off easy. For NOW!!! But I want my kiss dammit! I want my big fantasy moment of rolling around naked with the boy I love more than anything! Geez! If it had been AJ we would have been thoroughly 'introduced' five times over by now.
Oh, Bobby ditched class again today. He's gonna seriously get himself in trouble if he let's Kyle and his friends chase him out of gym class every day. I meant what I said, next time, I'm gonna help him. I will. I don't know how, but I'll figure out something.
I saw Jimmy a bit earlier today, and he had this weird look on his face. I mean...kinda sad, actually. I asked him what was up, and it was exactly what I was afraid of. Jimmy is seriously falling in love with Lee. Like..all the way. He says, "I just don't know what to do, Billy. I can't stop it. I'm trying hard NOT to feel this way! But every time he talks to me or writes me an email or wants to chat...it's like my heart overflows and I can't help myself anymore. And now he wants me to come over tomorrow and watch movies with him...and I know that's just gonna make things worse. Billy, what am I supposed to do?"
I didn't know what to tell him. What was I gonna say to that? I just kinda gave him this dorky pat on the shoulder and told him that it would be alright. What the hell does that even MEAN? 'Oh sure, Jimmy...everything will be just fine. You can live without a heart can't you?' I didn't know how to help him. And love isn't known for being merciful when it comes to impossible odds of you getting the prize. I just hope...Jimmy can ride this thing out until it's over without getting too hurt by it. Then again...I don't even know if that's possible. At this point in my life, it's speculation at best. So...I figured I should do something.
I felt REALLY guilty about it at first, because I didn't wanna interfere at all. But I guess it was kinda important. Especially since Jimmy was so hurt and all. So I got online and chatted with Lee for a bit tonight. It started off normal enough, and he was being cute and lovable as always, but I knew I had to tell him. I typed in, "So...I hear you and Jimmy might be hanging out tomorrow."
And he's all like, "Yep! Just loafing around the house and watching a video or something. You wanna come by? The more the merrier."
And I told him, "Nah, I can't make it tomorrow. My dad is making me do 'quality time' stuff on Saturday, and he's probably gonna start early."
Lee's like, "Bummer. Oh well, maybe next time."
I'm not sure how long it took me to be subtle about it, or what confusing train of thought I followed to get there, but I finally came right out and asked Lee, "Umm...you know Jimmy's gay right?" I felt SO bad doing it! I mean, it's not fair for me to 'out' my friend to his secret crush! I swear, I really felt like garbage once I hit that send button!
But then...Lee comes back and says, "Yeah. Why?" WHAT?!?!?! He KNOWS???
I'm like, "You DO???"
And he's like, "Hehehe, yeah! Joanna told me last MONTH at Corey's party!"
At first, it was a sigh of relief. But then it got even more twisted, because I wasn't quite sure why Lee was so...'cool' with it. Well, I mean, I expected him to be COOL with it, but...I don't know. So I said, "Good. I thought maybe you didn't know....about that."
And then there was a pause, and Lee says, "Oh man! Jimmy doesn't know that I know? Aw shit, that sucks. I hope he isn't afraid to tell me or anything." I think him being gay was the LEAST of his confessions when it came to Lee. But I had already stuck my nose far enough in his business. "Don't worry, Billy. I'll let him know tomorrow. K?" And I begged him not to tell Jimmy that I said anything, and he promised. "I won't."
Could Lee be any more perfect? Geez! I kinda wish I had told him I was gay first. Maybe he would have been just as cool with me. It's not going to stop Jimmy from being in love with him. Hell, even I'm in love with him! But at least getting that little detail out in the open will help to work things out, I'm sure. Sighhh...Lee is all of those wonderful things, and mature on top of it. I'd be lying if I said I didn't wish to be him for JUST a few days. It must be awesome.
Anyway, I've gotta run. See ya soon!