- Okay, you know what? Sometimes...life just isn't fucking fair. You know that? I just...I've got SO much in my head right now, and I can't seem to straighten it out for the life of me. But it's just not FAIR! I know that much!
I'm not EVEN going to get into the late night phone call I got from Jimmy a few minutes ago! Not yet! But that, above everything else, is probably the WORST part of my day! Grrr!
Ok, so I saw Bobby Jinette in the halls earlier today, right? And I guess that Kyle and his idiot friends have been joyfully spreading rumors around school about him, because he wasn't hanging around his usual group of friends. Bobby always had his own little tight knit clique of friends, and a big grin on his face. But not today. In fact, even though nobody said anything, you could practically hear their 'minds' whispering about him as he walked down the hall. They don't even know what the hell they're talking about! Whatever. But I KNOW that I saw him earlier, and when it came to gym class...he wasn't there. AGAIN! He's actually gonna FAIL gym if he misses two more classes! I mean...what the hell???
Anyway, I hear Kyle laughing in the locker room, saying that Bobby is officially 'banned' from gym class now. That he basically was gonna hurt him if he ever came back. I couldn't understand it. Why the hell would he wanna beat up on Bobby Jinette? He's no big brawler. He's like a slim little artsy type of kid. It's not cool to threaten him like that for no good reason. Well...even though Bobby wasn't there, I figured that it wasn't right for them to treat him the way they were treating him. And nobody else had the guts to say anything. So I did. I was like, "Why don't you just leave him alone?" That was ALL I said! You would think that SOMEBODY in a locker room full of supposed 'men' would back me up. But I got absolutely NO assistance whatsoever!
Kyle looks at me like, "What?"
And I'm like, "Just leave him alone. He's not messing with you. Forget about it, already."
And Kyle TOTALLY turns on me! He's like, "Oh, I see! Bobby must be your boyfriend, right? Have you guys been running around after school, kissing in secret or something?"
I told him to shut up, but his friends just chimed in and they teamed up against me. Saying stuff like, 'Well why are you taking up for him?' and 'Are you a faggot too?' and stuff like that. I just turned back to my locker and tried to get dressed and get out of that locker room as fast as possible...but despite what your parents may tell you when you're little, the concept of 'ignore him, and he'll go away' is quite possibly the STUPIDEST method of protection known to man!
They kept teasing me in Bobby's absence, and a couple of the other boys around me even laughed with them! Especially when Kyle said, "I knew Billy was too pretty to be straight! Look at him! He's a total WOMAN!" What the heck was I supposed to do? I mean, I was trying to stand up for another potential 'homosexual' in a locker room full of half naked hetero teenage boys. Did I REALLY expect to get any sort of sympathy in a place like this? High school is basically a 'prison' full of immature inmates who would gladly SHANK you in the cafeteria lunch line before being seen as weak in front of the rest of these cattle. So while I was able to avoid any kind of aggression on Kyle's part, I think I might have just adopted some of Bobby's social conflict. And all I was trying to do was keep them from chasing him out of gym class everyday! Sighhh...when am I just gonna learn to keep my mouth shut?
THEN...I see this girl, Janet, who works for the yearbook committee, taking a big lovey dovey picture of Sam and Joanna out in the courtyard today! He was holding her close, and she was laughing while he kissed her on the cheek. It was like..this really happy...really satisfied photo opportunity that Janet just had to take advantage of. She was all like, "Awww...you guys are so cute together. Let me take some more!" And I saw this out of the second floor window of my computer class. So, I couldn't really avoid watching it, you know? I hate to see them so happy, I really do. I can't believe that heartless bitch stole my Sam away from me Or...he stole her away from me....whichever one it was. It's getting hard to remember who I was angrier with. Now that I didn't wanna see either one of them anymore, it's like they were everywhere. Everywhere I looked, there they were, like a bad nightmare. Words can't express how much I despise being held captive in such close vicinity to their disgusting relationship.
AND....I see Brandon at lunch today as always, hoping that somehow his pretty smile and gorgeous eyes would bring me a few moments of joy. No such luck there either. I don't GET it! We were doing so great! I mean..things were actually growing between us, you know? So what the fuck happened? I tried to get his sweet and cute mood back, but he seemed even more distant than usual today. Even when I said, "I still think about you, all the time..." he just kinda shrugged it off. The LAST few times, it got him to return the sentiment. But today he just wasn't going to budge. I was thinking about inviting him back over to my house on Sunday so we could hang out some more...but if he's gonna act like some kinda JERK, then forget it. I'd rather stay home alone.
My heart is always reaching out for him, and I'm TRYING to get him to talk to me...but it's times like this that I wonder why I bother. Who knows? Maybe he's not gay after all.
Oh man...and the fucking FINAL straw??? Jimmy called me a few minutes ago, right? It's late, but his mom had already gone to bed and he wanted to talk to me in 'private' or whatever, and didn't think I'd be online. So he calls my house, and I guess him and Lee spent the whole evening together until like 10 o'clock or something before he came home. Jimmy was all super excited and all 'look at me'...blah blah blah...and I'm thinking, "What the fuck is HE so happy about?" Well...I guess Lee told Jimmy that he knew he was gay, and that it really didn't matter because they were good friends. And that he was sticking around, no matter what. Considering that all of Jimmy's friends are girls except for me, he was really overjoyed about the whole thing. They talked about it a lot, and Jimmy said that Lee was totally cool about EVERYTHING! He let him talk about boys, and crushes, and when he first found out that he was gay, and ALL of that. I don't know why that really hurts me so much...but it does. I mean, I was supremely JEALOUS! Here's this awesome wonderful boy, and Jimmy gets to 'talk' with him and joke with him and share all of those inner feelings that I never get to talk to ANYBODY about! I should probably be happy for Jimmy, but to be honest...I'm not.
And you know what's worse?????? Jimmy said that when they were watching the video, he leaned his head on Lee's shoulder, and Lee totally put his arm around him and just held him! Through the WHOLE MOVIE!!! What the hell is THAT about??? Why would Lee do something like THAT??? He's taken the whole 'I'm cool with you being gay' concept waaaay above and beyond what I would have thought possible. So Jimmy is lost in love and excited and talking about how this was the best day of his life. Since when did kissing ME get bumped down to number two?
I don't know what to think or feel about anything anymore. I just know that this whole day sucked. And all I have to look forward to is some boring lunch date with my dad tomorrow, and no Brandon on Sunday. Great. The only thing that could make this day any worse would be for a big flaming meteor to come flying through my bedroom window at hit me in the crotch at light speed! I think that would wrap this day up nicely, don't you?
Anyway, I'm gonna need my strength for my dad tomorrow. Otherwise, I'm probably gonna fall asleep at the table. So I'll write more later. See ya soon.
(Lee fucking SNUGGLED with a gay boy through an entire movie! I still can't believe it! Oh, that's *SO* unfair!)
- I'm actually....I'm....trembling as I write this.
I can't really tell if it's because I'm angry, or just plain scared.
I tried not to cry, but that became a useless pursuit over an hour ago. And now I'm sitting here....writing in this stupid book as though it's really gonna change anything.
Well...I went to lunch with my dad today. He took me to some dumb restaurant, steak house, type of place. And we sat down, and he kinda gave me a dorky smile, and I noticed that he was acting kinda weird. And then...sighhh...I can't believe I'm even talking about this. It's just making me feel sick.
Anyway, after about ten minutes...a lady joined us at the table. A 'lady'. I thought it was kinda strange at first. And then it just seemed weird that he would invite a co-worker (or whoever she was) to sit and eat with us while we were spending 'quality time' together. You know? But soon, as my mind started working things out, and the uncomfortable nature of her visit had settled in...I realized that this was wrong. This was ALL fucking wrong! They were there....like....together.
I just remember quietly keeping my eyes down on my dinner plate. I remember staring at gravy and mashed potatoes while this miscellaneous BITCH attempted to engage me in some level of friendly conversation. And I didn't look up from those potatoes. Not once. I felt my guts tighten up into a knot, and this extreme rush of fear just ran down my spine, into my shoes, and then back up again. Over and over again. For over an hour. And when the lunch was over, and I had 'politely' declined desert...all I could think about was getting away from them. All I could think about was running away, and trying to get back to my room where I could pretend that none of this ever happened. Obviously...it didn't work.
God...I'm dripping tears on the page now. I hope this is still legible tomorrow.
This hurts...you know? This really hurts. It feels like...like my father totally betrayed us. Both me AND Mom. Does this mean that it's really over? Does this mean....
Shit....I can't finish writing this.
I don't wanna think about this anymore.