"Billy Chase #75"
- It's like having a wild ferret doing back flips inside of your stomach. That's just what it felt like. The idea that my dad could be...with some other woman...I mean, what am I supposed to do with these horrible thoughts like that in my head. FIRST of all, it's downright disgusting that he would be dating anybody! And second of all, he's MARRIED! To my MOM, no less! Isn't that, like...ILLEGAL or something??? Isn't it in the BIBLE somewhere that you can't DO that??? What the fuck is he DOING running around with some random lady on the side? What could he possibly be thinking? I think I feel sick.
The moment I opened my eyes this morning, all I could think about was the look on his face when this lady came to the table. 'Robin'...that was her name. Robin. I looked at my dad, and it was like he was expecting me to just suddenly...I dunno...give him a high five or something. Or maybe he was just hoping that I'd instantly 'accept' this woman as anything less than a filthy whore trying to break up my family. He might have even just been hoping that I wouldn't be so hurt that I'd never want to speak to him again. Well, the way I feel right now...he failed on all accounts. He really had a lot of nerve parading some strange woman around in front of me. My parents were supposed to be SEPARATED!!! NOT DIVORCED!!! That's what they *TOLD* me! Those were their exact words to me. "NO divorce!" So NOW what the fuck am I supposed to believe? That this little 'extended vacation' is going to suddenly come to an end, and he'll tell this 'Robin' lady to hit the road so he can come home? Or, hey...I've got an idea! Maybe Dad can come home, and Robin can move into the fucking garage so Dad can have BOTH, huh? That sounds logical, doesn't it?
I can't believe he did this to us. He ruined everything. He completely destroyed the plan. What's gonna happen when Mom finds out about this? Oh God...this is gonna rip her heart out. How am I going to see how hurt she is and ever look that man in the face ever again. I was about ready to jam a fork in my eye when Joanna broke my fucking heart! And we weren't nearly as involved as my parents were. But now Robin is just another 'Sam', swooping in on a vulnerable opportunity to take someone else that I love away from me. The harder I try to avoid thinking about it, the harder it drills its way into my waking reality. And that's when I start feeling like shit all over again. Sighhh...this is SO not happening right now.
My Mom keeps asking me how things went with my dad yesterday, and I keep dodging the questions with vague answers. But every time I'm in the same room with her, she seems like she wants to 'talk' about it. And the LAST thing I wanna do is talk about it. It got to the point where I basically just locked myself in my room all night and avoided her altogether This is all my dad's fault, it's HIS mess, let HIM tell her what he did. I'm not going to be the bearer of bad news. Not for something this serious.
I've really got to stop thinking about this. That wild ferret in my stomach just won't sit still. And the motion seems to be keeping me jittery and nervous all damn day. I can't shake the feeling. It's like this subtle fear that won't go away. The kinda fear you would feel if you were on death row, one week before execution. Where you feel every single tick of the clock as time gives way to the inevitable end of everything you know. That's what this felt like...the end of everything.
While hiding out in my room, I got online, and got a rather cheerful message from Lee tonight. I guess he was looking to chat with somebody for a bit, and I felt too depressed to really indulge him at first. But the boy really is irresistible. And when he sent me a webcam pic of his adorable little 'pound puppy pouty face'...I had no choice but to agree to it. I made sure to save the pic too. He's so damn cute...geez.
We kinda traded a few jokes back and forth, but it was mostly fake on my end. I mean...I was so hurt that I could feel it in my heart, but trying to smile and laugh with Lee for a while kept the sadness from swallowing me whole for a while. I just remember a few tears on my face, and dripping down my cheeks, while I'm making Lee laugh with strange little comments here and there. It was an odd balance, having my mind working so hard to be 'happy' while my emotions were working twice as hard to make me unhappy. But....somehow, it helped.
But Lee got a bit more serious after a few exchanged giggles. And there was a pause between his messages. He said, "You know, I don't wanna get in the middle of this or anything...but Sam really misses you, ya know?"
As though bringing HIM up was gonna make me feel any better. I told him, "Whatever. Can we talk about something else?"
But he was just like, "I mean it. He's been feeling worse and worse about it every day. He said he came to your house last weekend, and you kicked him out. I think you really hurt his feelings, dude."
"So WHAT?" I told him. "He stole my damn girlfriend! He was practically screwing her behind my back, he parades the fact they're still close around me every chance that he gets! Did he give a fuck if MY feelings were hurt THEN? No! He just went after what he wanted and to hell with me if I'm hurt about it."
But he's all like, "Dude, they really are happy together. I mean..you're kinda asking him to leave his girlfriend. I mean, that's harsh. I don't think he really wanted to hurt you like that."
And I said, "He doesn't get to HAVE both! Bottom line! He's selfish for even thinking that he could."
So Lee pauses for a sec, and then he's like, "You know, Sam had a big fight with his mom last weekend. That's why he came over to your house. I guess you two usually hang out when stuff like that happens."
"That's not my fault." I told him. And I meant it. SURE I was there for him when I thought I could trust him! But if he's just gonna stab me in the back, lie to me, and ruin my relationships, then why the hell would I want him around? Whatever. I guess Lee dropped it after that. We didn't talk for much longer, and he made up some reason about having to go afterwards. He's not gonna convince me to let Sam guilt trip me into being friends again. Life's hard, get used to it. Shit, it was a lesson I learned from HIM.
Anyway, I'm going to bed. I did think about asking Lee about this whole 'caressing' issue with Jimmy LaPlane, but once he started in on Sam, it kinda slipped my mind. Besides, every time I think about it...it kinda makes me angry. I dunno, I just envy Jimmy for being able to cuddle with him, you know? If I knew that Lee was THAT friggin' cool, I would have asked him to share a shower with me the first day that I met him. Ahhh, what am I doing? I suppose this is Jimmy's moment to experience some affection and joy. So why should I worry? I'm still jealous though.
Gotta run. But I'll write more soon.
- School isn't necessarily the most inspirational place in the world when you're dealing with bad emotions. It doesn't nurture the kind of feelings that truly guide your actions from day to day. It's all notebooks and pencils, pop quizzes and numbers. So excuse me if I didn't feel any comfort in going today. But we DO have a three day weekend coming up next Monday, so it'll at least be a bit of a break from the monotony of it all.
There was ONE thing that disturbed me though! Somebody in my 3rd period class was talking to me...and jokingly mentioned that I was having a 'secret affair' with Bobby Jinette! Do you hear me? THIRD PERIOD!!! That's NOT my gym class! That's not even anywhere CLOSE to my gym class! And you know what that means? That means that there is a rumor circulating OUTSIDE of my gym class! And that's fucking DANGEROUS!
Of course, this guy was just joking and playing around. In fact, he didn't really believe it at all. But the fact that someone who wasn't in my class had even HEARD about what had happened, means that somebody *told* him. That's how this stuff always spreads like wildfire, and I CAN'T have that happen! I can't! Why not? Well, let's look at the facts, shall we?
1) I'm supposedly this cute teenage boy that the girls all love and invite to parties and stuff...but I'm still single. Except for my one and only girlfriend, who no longer talks to me.
2) Simon and I, who were pretty 'close' at one point, suddenly stopped hanging out for no explainable reason. And if wind of this gets back to him, he might think more about what happened at my house back when I tried to get him to have sex with me.
3) I don't play any sports. Which is like...the straight man's 'security blanket' when it comes to proving that he's not secretly craving big penis in the back of his mind.
4) I stuck up for Bobby Jinette...a suspected homosexual, and I've been seen hanging out with him and Brandon on more than one occasion.
5) Jimmy LaPlane, who everybody now knows is gay, is one of my very good friends, who I've been spending a lot of private time with lately. And...I showed up to Corey's party with him!
Arrrgh! I mean, this might all start off as a little playful teasing, but if anybody sits down and really puts all of these things together, I might find myself in some really deep shit! It just looks bad. I've GOT to kill this rumor before it even gets started! And fast!
I skipped lunch completely, instead going to the upstairs library. I thought that I was done hiding from Brandon, but I just really didn't think that I could handle having my attempts to be closer to him rejected today. With everything going on, I'd rather just imagine that he would have smiled and blushed and asked me if I 'thought about him' again. Yeah...I'll just fantasize and believe that he loves me and he'll tell me tomorrow. That's so much more comforting than trying to fight the tension in my arms and legs while stuttering and trying to catch his eye contact for as long as possible. I hope he's not mad at me or anything for not showing up.
Oh...and when I was going to gym today, I sorta caught a glimpse of Bobby Jinette going out of the side door of the school. It was quick, but I could tell that it was him, and he had his backpack and all with him. I suppose he was ditching as usual. But..knowing what was waiting for me in that locker room when I got there, I thought about ditching myself. I stood there, both paths in front of me. One path leads to a free period, and some time away from this dismal building. The other path led to more teasing, which would be brutal on me since Bobby wasn't there to bear the brunt of it, and the possibility that I'll give them a reason to spread this gay rumor even further than it's gone already. The choice was simple. I ditched. I walked out of the side door, and I went to the bookstore all the way over on Main street to kill time until my next class. I know, I know...I'll just take the zero for today. It won't be that bad. It's just ONE zero, after all! As long as I remember to intercept the phone call to my house from the school's computer, I should be fine.
I don't know, I just didn't need the harassment today. You know? Not today.
I've gotta go. My mom is practically pacing outside my bedroom. And soon, she'll be knocking on the door, wanting to 'talk' again. I'm gonna hide from her by jumping into the shower. There's no WAY that she can follow me in there. And by the time I come out, I can run to my room and jump into bed before she has the chance to interrogate me any further. Easy.
I'll write more later about how much life sucks. Trust me.