"Billy Chase #76"
- My dad just called a couple of minutes ago...
That's probably why I'm back in here, locked away in my room and writing in this book. I half expected my mom to come knocking on my door, wanting to 'chit chat' about the horribly damaged existence I've been living since my own father decided to go find himself some better life that doesn't include us anymore. But, to my surprise, she didn't bother. In fact, I think she went to her room and shut the door too. Who knows....maybe that's who I inherited the habit from.
Anyway, my dad wanted to talk to me. He wanted to know if I was 'ok' with all of this. Psh! Ok with WHAT? With him abandoning us and expecting me to embrace some other lady like my stable life never existed??? I don't think so.
My mom was going to pass me the phone, and I told her flat out that I didn't wanna talk to him. So she talks into the receiver, and she's like, "Actually...I think Billy stepped out with one of his friends..."
But I didn't need her to lie for me, like I didn't know what I was saying. I knew exactly what I was saying! And I didn't give a shit if he knew about it. I shouted into the other room, knowing that my dad could hear me in the background, "Don't tell him I'm out with my friends! I'm right here! I just don't wanna talk to him!" And my mom shushes me, but I know he heard me, and I'm glad. He SHOULD know that I'm pissed at him. When I even THINK about how much he's hurting my mom by doing this, it makes me sick. Not only that, but it makes me think about Sam and Joanna all over again, and how little they cared whether or not it ripped my fucking heart out if they snuck around with each other behind my back. This situation is no different. And if Sam isn't going to care, then I'm certainly going to make sure that my dad does. I WANT him to be hurt! I want him to FEEL it! I want him to know that it's not ok to hurt people for his own gratification. So to hell with him. He made his choice, let him deal with it.
It looks like I just got an email from Lee. Hold on a sec.
Ok...it says that he hopes I'm alright, and he apologizes for bringing up Sam the last time we talked. He's like, "So don't be pouty with me, ok? Cause you'll make me pouty too, and it doesn't match my outfit." With a little blushing smiley face thingie behind it. Sighhh...Arrrgh!!!! I don't know how he can contain so much 'cuteness' in such a slim little frame. Anyway, he's inviting me over to hang out with him and Jimmy this Friday for more movies. I guess they're gonna make it like this weekly thing from now on. I'd love to hang out, but instead, I'm gonna write him back and tell him 'maybe'. I should probably talk to Jimmy first, just in case he doesn't want me interrupting his 'snuggle time' on the couch with Lee. God, I wonder what he feels like when you hug him? Lee is really trim and tall, but he's not all hard bodied or hiding any abs of steel under his shirt. He's actually kinda soft and spongy in the middle, but in that really hot 'boy next door' kinda way, you know? I've felt it a couple of times before, mostly because we would crowd into the elevator together whenever we went to the mall, and Lee would be mashed right up against me. I wonder what it would be like to actually be able to put my head on his chest though, and hug him around that soft middle, inhaling that sweet scent of his. Sometimes Lee wears this sweet smelling 'body spray' stuff, and it's really faint, but it's sooooo sexy on him, you know? Once you catch a little whiff of it, mixed with his naturally awesome body scent...it's like...WOW. But that's beside the point, I'll ask Jimmy if it's ok if I hang out with them, and then I'll give Lee a definite answer tomorrow.
I went back to gym class today, hoping that Kyle's stupid little rumor would have dissolved into nothing by now and he'd get bored and leave it alone. After all, he didn't have either me OR Bobby to push around yesterday. So I was sure that the rest of the locker room would have moved on to something else entirely by now. So much for THAT theory!
If anything, today was even worse. I guess Bobby Jinette got called into his guidance counselor's office yesterday, and got busted for missing so many gym classes. Not only was he going absent, but his grade was suffering pretty badly. So he was pretty much forced to come back and participate today, whether he liked it or not. I guess having both me and Bobby in the locker room at the same time, undressing in front of each other, was too much for Kyle to resist. So the name calling got worse, and his voice got louder, and even though this all started out being about Bobby staring at Kyle's 'package'...it had suddenly been pushed off on me too. Now Kyle was basically telling everybody that we were 'lovers' in secret. How in the hell did I get INTO this??? And why can't Kyle just fucking let it go before he screws around and actually 'outs' me by mistake?
What's even MORE disturbing, is the fact that I don't think Bobby had any idea that I stuck up for him when Kyle mentioned 'banning' him from gym class. He gave me the most....I dunno...astonished look when he found out. Like...like he just couldn't 'believe' that I would do something so amazing for his benefit. And then it was like, he blushed and got a really nervous look on his face. He could barely look me in the eye It was almost as if he saw me as this entirely different person all of the sudden and didn't know how to handle it. So yeah...that was weird.
Bobby did talk to me after class. He caught up to me in the hallway, and I just wanted him to go away. I mean, it's bad enough that Kyle is teasing us like we're 'sex buddies' or something. The last thing I need is for other people to see us in the halls together. I told him, "It's not really a good idea for us to be seen together. It's only gonna make them tease us even more."
And he's like, "I know. I just...I didn't know...about what you did. I mean, you stood up for me?"
I'm like, "All I said was that they should leave you alone. That's all. I mean...it wasn't fair for them to treat you like that, you know?"
But Bobby was still acting all proud and happy and stuff. He shrugged his shoulders and was like, "Yeah, but still...that was really cool of you. So....um...thanks, Billy." He was following me in the hall, and smiling a bit. He said, "You know...I always kinda thought you hated me."
And I DID! Well, not really, I just...he had his hands on my Brandon. I HAD to feel something! But I can't really say that it was 'hate'....not by a long shot. So, I said, "I don't hate you, Bobby."
"No?" He asked.
"Of course not." And he gave me a really big smile and just kinda said 'bye' and turned the corner without any warning at all. That was it. I don't know what happened here or why, but I hope he didn't take that to mean that I like him or something. I don't. Bobby's cute, but he's sort of my sworn enemy for a bunch of reasons that...I can't quite explain. But I know it's true though.
Ok, so this has been a confusing day. I think I'm going to write to Lee and then finish this stupid extra credit assignment for Science. I'll write more later, though. Promise.
- SHIT!!! I really screwed up today! I mean I REALLY screwed up today! Fuck me!
I don't know if I'm really even gonna be able to stay long. My mom is pretty pissed at me, and it's safe to say that I'm grounded for the next week. Maybe more. Arrrgh, why did I have to hit Kyle in the face?
I was going to gym class today, and Bobby Jinette was kinda 'waiting' in the hallway on the way to the locker room. And when he saw me coming, he stood up and walked over to meet me. He was all...'smiley' and shit. He gave me a wave, and said hello. I told him that I was on my way to the gym, but he was steadily trying to cut me off. He stood in front of me and was like, "You know that Kyle is just gonna make fun of us again. Why even go?" Does Bobby even realize that Kyle's teasing wasn't directed at US until I made the STUPID mistake of defending his wandering eyes among a giant group of straight high school boys? I wouldn't even be IN this mess if it wasn't for him. I asked him what he suggested we do. And you know what Bobby said to me? He said, "Maybe we can just ditch...you know...together?" What the fuck does THAT mean? Together??? We're not doing ANYTHING together! That's just insane. He was all, "Let's just get out of here. We can go out and grab a burger or something and just hang out for a while." And THEN he adds..."We can talk, you know? We never really talked before."
There's a REASON that we never talked before. We're not friends! Never were. Hellooooo? Like I said...I don't *HATE* him...I just...he's just...I mean....NO! *NO*! Ok? No...I'm not going to get all 'chummy' and start hanging out with Bobby Jinette! I refuse! It's just not gonna happen! What's next? Me and him end up kissing in the girl's bathroom? Hell no! Cute or otherwise, there is no 'Me and Bobby' situation happening here between us. My common sense just won't allow it.
So, I tell him, "Dude, that's just crazy. We can't dodge Kyle forever. And we can't flunk out of gym class either." Bobby looked a bit disappointed, but tried not to let it show too much. So I said, "Come on, it won't be that bad. Eventually Kyle and his dumbass friends will get tired of the same old joke and it'll all blow over. We just can't let him know that it gets to us." I don't know if I comforted Bobby or not, but it was enough to get him to follow me to the locker room to change for gym.
Looking back on it...I kinda wish I had taken Bobby's advice.
Kyle just pushed everything too far today. He was really giving us a hard time when he saw us walking into the locker room at the same time. The first words out of his mouth were, "Hide your dicks, you guys! The fudgepackers are here! Hahaha!" And he said, "So were you guys having sex some place private just now, or were you just making out? Hey, check Bobby's underwear, he looks like a 'bottom bitch' if I ever saw one!" He had gotten a lot nastier since that first day, and now it was getting serious. It wasn't really something that you could ignore anymore. And since there wasn't a single boy in that room that would stand up for us, ESPECIALLY after they saw what happened when *I* stood up for Bobby, we became the targets of the most vicious witch hunt in freshman locker room history.
And just as I was taking my pants off and getting ready to put my gym shorts on, Kyle went too far. He saw me in nothing but my boxers, and Bobby just had on a t-shirt and 'tighty whitie' briefs...and he was like, "Go get him, Billy! I know you want a piece of that juicy ass!" So Kyle pushed me! He pushed me really hard, and he pressed me up against Bobby and the lockers. He was forcing us to squeeze up against each other while Bobby was facing the other way, and Kyle was pushing my hips forward so that I was pressed hard against Bobby's soft butt. Kyle was laughing and having a ball watching me try to struggle and get away from him. Then he pushed my head forward, saying, "Go on, Billy! Kiss him! Kiss your boyfriend!" And that was it! I think I just snapped at that point, and I pushed myself away from Bobby as hard as I could.
Then, without even thinking, I spun around to see Kyle's stupid smiling face...and with one swing, I hit him right in the fucking mouth! I literally knocked him down with one punch, and didn't even know that I had done it really until I saw his lips bleeding. I think everybody in the locker room just kinda froze. Hell...even *I* froze. I haven't been in an actual fist fight since I was, like, 9 years old! I wasn't quite sure if I should hit him again, or if I should be thankful that I got a lucky shot in before he could stop me. I was thinking that I should probably run before him and his friends beat the living shit out me, but luckily everybody broke it up after the first punch.
Soooo....after an extended visit to the Principal's office, and a call home to my mother...I'm suspended for one day, and grounded for a week. Well...one week so FAR. I don't think my mom is really done punishing me yet No video games, no television, no phone, no computer, nothing. In fact, if I let on that writing in this book gives me any joy whatsoever, chances are she'll take this away from me too. So I'm gonna finish this up and hide it under the bed before I get caught.
Ps- Just TWO things before I go. One...I hate to admit it, I mean, I REALLY hate to admit it...but Bobby Jinette has the softest, most squeezable, most deliciously round ass that I've ever been pushed up against! I'm SERIOUS! With nothing but two layers of thin fabric between us, I felt myself slip right in the middle of his cleft, and it like...'grabbed' me. I'm ashamed to say that it was...nice. And two...the only things that could possibly feel better than having Bobby's bubbled cheeks crushed up against my semi....was hitting Kyle right in his smug little face! I don't regret it at all. THAT felt good!